to sort of wish we'd not agreed to this holiday?

[RagamuffinAndFidget]

DH, me, our two boys, my Mum, my brother and his girlfriend are planning to spend a week in Cornwall right at the end of August/beginning of September. We found a lovely, pretty cheap, cottage, divided it by five (the boys are three and nearly one so won't take up much space!) and worked out how much we each needed to pay. We're also splitting the cost of the petrol for the three cars that are being taken and we all agreed to chip in £50 each (per adult, DH and I will add a little extra for our boys) for a 'food kitty' - not just for food shopping but to go towards a meal out/takeaway at some point during the week, and also for things like some beer and some wine for the grown ups to share! We'd all agreed on this and everyone seemed to think it was pretty fair.

But then DB's girlfriend calls me today and says she doesn't see why we all have to chip in £50 for food, etc. I explained what it was for and she said no way would she eat £50 worth of food in a week, so I said again that it wasn't just for food shopping but drinks and a meal out/takeaway as well. She said she doesn't want to do a proper food shop because that involves meal planning, which 'isn't what you want to do on holiday' but I've been to that part of Cornwall before and you either do a big shop at Tesco, which is miles away, or shop daily in the local Spar, which is twice as expensive! Plus, we have two small children who will definitely need proper meals each day so we can't really just wait and see what we feel like having.

She's put me in a bit of a bad mood about it all really. I thought we'd all agreed on an amount per adult but now she's saying she doesn't want to pay that much. AIBU to think she should really stick to what was agreed? And WWYD about it?

So surely fairer to all pay 20pp for basics, bread butter milk tea coffee cereals etc?

Then pay on a pp basis for treats and alcohol?

I am rigid about this issue tbh, being a family of 5 I would loathe for anyone so sub us or feel we weren't paying our way.

Or another idea is as she has expressed interest in a couple of communal meals i.e. bbq and DB cooking then could suggest that they pay for the night they cook and you cover the bbq costs.

I can see her mind set though I know pre DC I would have baulked at shopping for the week on the first day of the holiday and as a foodie ( sadly with DS less chance to do this now) I would have liked the opportunity to look at local butchers, delis and fishmongers. Plus in those days I could afford to have ethics so would have resented all my food money going to the evil empire of Tesco.

Yes smaller kitty for basics if they want to do it and just buy meals for yourselves. For shared costs i.e. fish and chips let them put their money in at the time rather than having a communal pot.

It's hardly worth arguing about £50. I actually think that would be way too little for a week with booze, takeaways etc. Instead of having a kitty, why not agree to keep a running record of what gets spent and then divide it up at the end? That way you can do a medium size shop and she can get extras. It'll probably work out around the same anyway.

Oh no, that would be like splitting a bill in a restaurant but where you're paying for 21 meals instead of one!

Can you imagine it? "On Tuesday I only had one slice of toast but you had two!"

OutragedAtThePriceOfFreddos:-

I'd think £10 per person would be fair, to cover things like bread, milk, tea bags, washing up liquid, toilet roll etc, but that includes the children too. So brother and GF would pay £20, op and her DH £40, and Mum £10.

That's £70. More than enough for the essentials and a few biscuits and sandwich stuff for a week. Then you could all eat and buy what you want for whenever you want on top of that.

Agree.

OP, the only group holiday where I've ended up arguing about food costs - out of too many to count - was with a couple who eat what I describe as 'rubbish'. They were desperate to be all in it together, jolly chats around the stove, etc, but evidently thought my standard of food was just an overpriced version of what they eat. Worst of it was, we all tried not to state the actual issue ... my snobbery versus their reverse snobbery - so the rows all seemed to be about the shopping, when it was really a basic incompatibility.

As you're feeding kids while the other couple are still in their "finer things in life" phase, I think you're making the same mistake as my budget friends. Ease up on your expectations. And make sure the £70 buy some ground coffee and Earl grey tea bags!

OP - you and your family really sound like you have overthought this holiday, big time. I feel stressed just reading about it.

Why oh why oh why is there a need to plan the whole holiday budget, the meals/takeaways/BBQ, and even the wierd petrol thing, BEFORE you've even got there.

Go with the flow FFS. I thought I was a control freak!

Forget about the nightmare petrol complexity. Put £20 each into the budget (incl DCs), but agree that it will probably need topping up for luxuries (ie. takeaways that don't involve the DCs). Forget about the whole meal planning and chill out. The whole point of holidays is to relax.

Is there a big difference in budget between you all? I assume your brother and his girlfriend are working and don't have children. Has your mum retired or is she working? Do you and your husband both work?

If there are great differences in income a shared holiday can be very difficult.

I agree with those who say you should have a kitty for basics but each buy what you want for other meals. If you decide on a takeaway then just pay for what you order.

Maybe your DB's gf is worried that she'll be expected to eat child friendly meals all week or wants to be able to eat when she wants not when your DC do.

Yes agree imperial.

But, op is only paying an extra 20 quid overall despite they are taking 2 kids, and they don't have to do any driving...

I would probably be pissed off at this tbh.

Yes, but the person who decided the budget is the one who's complaining now.

This has been a good reminder never to go on holiday with anyone!

Given that you arent going away for 6 or 7 weeks I would not be looking at the kitty discussions as written in tablets of stone just yet.

YABU to be getting in a mood about this.

Given that GF & DB have cars they probably dont see the driving out each day for food & drink as the big issue that you sees it as.

Also, are you going to be expecting everyone to eat at the same time? You might all fancy fish & chips for dinner but for some that will mean 5.30 and for others 8.30.

I do think that people without children should think long and hard before going on holiday with people with children. I know that in my pre DC days what you are planning would sound like a dreadful bore.

We are just back from holiday with fil and bil. We were there for longer and bought basics (bread, milk, cereal, butter). They did a top up shop and got a few things they wanted. We did our own thing for lunch and dinner as we have two DC. There was no kitty, but there was no way we spent anything like £200 on food. I agree you are over thinking it.

I really don't see why the kitty has to cover meals out and takeaways too. Surely you would all just get your cash out when you go to the chip shop on the first night and pay for what each of you has ordered?

I do really think, too, that you are underestimating the impact of the cost of the children's food. I know you say they don't eat a lot, but you will probably be buying different cereal for them, whole milk when others may have semi-skimmed etc. Plus paying for meals out from a kitty will favour you, as presumably you will order something for them if you're eating out, even if it's just a side or a snack!

The same goes for other things: you have said they won't take up much space, and I know they are sharing your room, but how about when they want to watch Peppa Pig or play noisy games when the others want to chill or watch a film? I have done group hols with and without kids too, so I can see it from both sides and I think you are minimising the impact kids have on a holiday.

I think the minimal kitty (ie for absolute household essentials) is the way to go, but definitely exclude any takeaways or meals out from the kitty. If you get those, just let everyone pay for their own.

The DB and his girlfriend are probably looking forward to a nice couple-y holiday with lovely meals out and fine wine. The kitty idea has very possibly alerted the girlfriend to the fact that they are actually going on someone else's family holiday.

I can't think of anything worse than being footloose and child-free and going on holiday with a family who have young children. Holidays that you have with young kids (planning food, doing a big shop, having a takeaway as a treat) are totally different from the holidays you have as a couple. YANBU to regret agreeing to this holiday, but YABU to want to dictate to everyone how the holiday will run. I think YA also BU not to have insisted on paying a more appropriate amount for the rental - a 3 year old and a 1 year old DO take up space and if they're sleeping in your room I imagine that means that you've got the biggest room etc.

I think you need to smooth this over by becoming a 'yes' person for the week and then learning the lesson from it that group holidays are hard work and require a LOT of compromise and preferably a very loose budget. We've been on holiday with friends who also have DCs and it only really works when everyone goes with the flow and isn't too concerned about doing anything specific or fussy about when/where to eat and how much everything costs. You will never get to have things your way on a group holiday. The best you can hope for is to not have a terrible time and to all still be speaking to each other at the end of it.

I think the cost of the accommodation should be split between the number of bedrooms you have. You pay according to how many bedrooms you use.

You can either - agree to cook for yourselves and your mum. Leave brother to sort himself out. OR each adult could be in charge of the food for one day. That way everyone gets a turn to cook for everyone and can make it as cheap or expensive as they want.

I agree that brother probably wants to enjoy some freedom on holiday - it's sad that this clashes with your families needs

I have never done a group holiday and probably never will, as I am as fussy as one can be. I don't even dare with skiing chalets, just in case I don't like the people/meals.

In this case, I am with the GF. I would be happy to have a small kitty for bread, butter, toilet roll, etc, but that's it. And to be honest, I would probably bring my own bread, as I hate most supermarket breads. You could even agree who is bringing what from home.

I wouldn't want my meals planned one week in advance, especially if those meals had to suit everyone's taste. My idea of hell!! We do family holidays and also one holiday per year with just DH and I. During the adult holiday, the last thing I want is a home cooked meal. I want to go out for lunch and dinner and do all the things I normally don't do throughout the year.

The GF is probably dreading this holiday now thinking that she's going to be forced to be home by 7 pm every day to have the "family meal"

I can't think of anything worse than having to plan all my meals for a week when I first arrive at my holiday destination. I am definitely in the GF camp on this. part of the enjoyment of a holiday for me, has always been the thought that I don't have to plan my meals in the same way as when we are at home. There have been so many times we have bought local specialties having seen them for sale at a stall or whatever, something we could not have bought in the local supermarket. Even when our DCs were young, not that we had many holidays, but we have always been more relaxed about food that you appear to be ( I am assuming there are no issues such as allergies etc, then it is a different case altogether).

And I agree with those who think you are getting a good deal out of it. You say you are chipping in for her petrol - but from what you say, it sounds as though she is really only taking her car because your DB's car and your DM's car are going to be full with you, your DH, your DCs and all the luggage ( you mentioned she might have to drive 'all the way back to you afterwards with some of the luggage), so it sounds as though she wouldn't have needed to take her car if you were able to drive yourselves. therefore, the petrol you are 'chipping in for', is actually , at least partly, being used for your benefit. Quite different, IMO, from a food kitty. Why not just suggest they pay a lower amount into the kitty to cover the absolute basics, like tea, coffee, milk, toilet rolls etc, and then the rest of their food is for them to sort out in whatever way they choose.

I'm dying to know what OP thinks of all these posts putting a more impartial pov.
Hope you come back, Ragamuffin!

YABU.

In every area of the division of costs you end up the winner, it's not an equal division in any quarter.

Also I agree with the previous poster on the car issue, you say your mum doesn't want money for petrol, but there is no way you would all fit in her car with all your luggage.

DB and GF are doing a massive favour by driving you all there, and yes the GF would not be taking her car if you or your DH were driving there under your own steam.

The kitty for basics is a good idea, and I agree £10 a head with you paying £40 to include the children. Most people on holiday would want to shop locally and buy regional cheeses etc. and as GF is a foodie this is probably what she has in mind. The y will also want to eat out more than you and socialise in the evening. I think you will have a much better time if you give each other some space.

Concentrate on organising your holiday not theirs.

As others have said you will end up with the best room, and the DC will commandeer the living space so I think you really must realise that they are getting the rough end of the deal in all respects and you should pay more.

yanbu

I would hand this problem back to DB ' Hi DB, as you know we'd made a kitty arrnagement to cover food costs for the week. Not sure DB-GF is happy with this- do you want to sort out with her what she wants to do? Thanks'

He can then give her the option to join in with the kitty or not. If she doesn't want to, she sorts herself out.

YABU

If I have understood correctly then you are a family of 4 but would be paying the same as a family of 2 (plus £20 extra for food). Even though your children are sharing your bedroom, they will still use water, light, heating, power, space, create washing up and other things that cannot be quantified and it doesn't seem right that the others should be subsidising your children. That just isn't fair on the others and I would always pay for my children, especially as they would use some facilities even more than adults. Additionally you would be getting lifts wherever you decide to go, even though you will contribute towards petrol. I actually think you are getting a great deal with this holiday, and your DB and his girlfriend are not.

I also think going on holiday with 2 young children is completely different to going on holiday as a young couple. The two do not always mix. Eating earlier, being quiet after their bedtime, many things are different and it can cause resentment if one couple (it doesn't matter which) are expected to fit in with the routines as another.

I do hope you resolve your problems and all have a nice holiday, but even though you have tried to justify your position in you subsequent posts, I really do think you are getting a far better deal on this holiday than the others, even if that is unintentional. Good luck.

I've just realised that you're planning to have 5 adults, 2 children and 3 dogs in a 3 bedroom cottage! I hope it has huge living areas and a big garden...

They are doing quite a lot to facilitate your travel - driving you and luggage back to Surry, lifts while you are there - petrol isn't the only cost in driving, you know. And they will have your small children plus dog with dodgy stomach in their car?

In truth a child-free couple have the most to lose on holidaying en famille. they don't benefit from any possible child-care from MIL, they lose their freedom and spontanaity, their very long lie-ins - maybe she feels that being linked to a meal-planned regime is a step too far! Maybe they want to go and eat out in the pub etc, when you will be in babysitting.

Just talk to her - or your brother - calmly and find out what they would most like to do, and whether that suits you. Maybe suggest making each family responsible for a communal meal on certain nights and do it their own way?

They are doing quite a lot for you - you sound very aggrieved and negative about her with your comments about her food choices etc.

You need to relax and shrug and talk openly about what suits you all best, and look forward to the holiday instead of angsting about it. It's not as if this discussion is last minute.

YANBU. What you have agreed sounds like a good and fair way to manage things and when the week is over, if there's money left over, it's easy to split it up again. The first time I went on hols with a group, I arrived a bit later than the others and they had agreed a kitty before I got there. It was a bit more than the OP's amount and I thought it a bit high, but passed it over because I like and trust my friends and knew this was not some kind of money-making scheme. It covered all our food and a lot of nice wine; fresh bread and pastries etc every day; nice things from the local market etc; drinks for all of us when we went out for a drink etc. It was brilliant actually and made everything very simple - I was actually really grateful in the end that my friend managed it so well. There was even a bit left over, which went towards the shared costs at the end (electricity charges etc. for the week). I think your DB's GF is questioning this out of a fear that she's somehow being shortchanged. You may have to agree to whatever she wants, but it's just going to create extra hassle and a slightly awkward situation as regards people not digging into the food that's not 'theirs'.

Just realised there are going to be three dogs and six people in a three bedroomed cottage. I think this is going to bring it's own problems. Have you thought about this. Just wondering. And does the holiday company allow this?