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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

desperate dad, controlling ex

315 replies

Helplessdad · 14/07/2012 12:48

Split when dd was v young. Ex wife moved 300 miles away to live with parents while she got back on her feet. Several months later I also moved to be with my partner (currently pregnant) which unfortunately was I the opposite direction. Since then I have had as much contact as poss, every other weekend staying at hotels near dd plus a week here and there for holidays and Christmas.

I just can do it anymore. It's exhausting doing all the travelling and I can't afford petrol, hotel and eating out every other weekend.

I have suggested a new plan- 6 weeks no contact, but then a whole week with my girl up here so we can spend quality time and she can get to know her other family.

Ex has said no- it's not in the interests of our daughter, it's out of her routine, it's too long away from mum, etc etc. but how is it not in her interest of she gets to spend proper time with me?

Ex isn't budging and I don't know what to do. I just can't carry on like this. I'm broke and exhausted.

Aibu to try to take this to court?

OP posts:
LRDtheFeministDragon · 14/07/2012 15:01

I don't in the least mean 'meh, don't worry, the state will finance it'! Hmm

There is no evidence to suggest the OP is relying on state support anyway.

I just think he is (sorry OP) burying his head in the sand re. the practicalities of the situation.

LadyBeagleEyes · 14/07/2012 15:02

Are you the OP Jumping?
And did I just see a bit of benefit bashing there too?

Moominsarescary · 14/07/2012 15:02

The ex should be driving 150 miles to drop off and pick up

ShhhhhGoBackToSleep · 14/07/2012 15:03

So you split up with the mother of your child, she moved back to live with her parents because she was struggling, you chose to move in the opposite direction with your new partner (of what, a few months?) and now can't be bothered to travel to see your daughter?

And your solution is that every 6 weeks an 18 month old stays with you for a whole week, away from her primary carer, misses nursery and her normal routines, and you won't actually even take the time off work so for several days of that time your new partner will be looking after her along with a newborn? SERIOUSLY??!!

You seriously need to rethink your priorities. This is not the best solution for your daughter, this is the most convenient solution for you.

sensuallettuce · 14/07/2012 15:04

Why should the ex be doing it?! Hmm

Because she doesn't do anything else?!

LadyBeagleEyes · 14/07/2012 15:06

I think that's about the gist of it Shhhhhh Smile.

whatinthewhatnow · 14/07/2012 15:08

yeah, I think shhhh summarised it pretty well there.

McHappyPants2012 · 14/07/2012 15:08

moomin, 18 month toddler is exchusting work so after doing all the childcare you also suggest she drives 150 miles

LRDtheFeministDragon · 14/07/2012 15:08

More to the point, not why should the ex do it, but why should an 18 month old travel over 300 miles every six weeks? I mean, surely, she is going to get absolutely knackered and stressed doing that?!

Moominsarescary · 14/07/2012 15:09

Doesn't matter what else she does, she should drive half the distance she moved, she chose to move that far why shouldn't she do half the driving?

He chose to move further away he should drive the extra but why should he do it all

McHappyPants2012 · 14/07/2012 15:16

well to me yes it does. after the weekend the OP travels back where he has 11-12 days to recover and chill out ect. the ex will have to travel back and still have to take care of the child after.

Moominsarescary · 14/07/2012 15:19

Or go to work

KatherineKavanagh · 14/07/2012 15:24

For those using 'routine' as an excuse....., the sooner the dd starts doing the week long stays, the sooner it will become routine and familiar to her. And of course, she will get to know her new step mum as well ( solving the problem hotheads where some one says she won't know her well enough to stay with her!)

Shullbit · 14/07/2012 15:25

Everyone asking why should the ex do half the journey, she does all the care etc yet telling the OP to get on with it, stop putting his own needs first and put his child first etc...surely that can be said for the mother?

If meeting half way meant my daughters needs to see her father were met, then I would make sure I did that. It isn't just down to the OP to put his DD's needs first, and the mother did move away first and moved the furthest away with the OP doing all the traveling himself from the start.

They are both the parent of this child, they should both work together to make sure her needs are met.

Oh, and a journey so long is hardly going to disrupt a child that young. My 8 year old still sleeps for most of the journey, and my toddler for all of the journey. As soon as we hit the motorway, they pass out and it has never harmed them. Or maybe I shouldn't take them to visit family so far away so that they can have a relationship with them Hmm

KatherineKavanagh · 14/07/2012 15:25

Benefit bashers..... The op works. Not sure if the ex does

Shullbit · 14/07/2012 15:27

Where do you get the idea that OP has so long to recover, yet the ex won't?

After she drops her DD half way, won't she then get a week off herself? Hmm

LRDtheFeministDragon · 14/07/2012 15:30

KK - she does, he says the baby is at nursery while his ex goes out to work.

Scheherezade · 14/07/2012 15:43

OP there's no point posting for advice on MN, men will never get a fair hearing. Some of the replies (such as the first) are disgustingly sexist.

I don't see why she can't travel to bring the child to you.

All this "men are all evil fuck him" doesn't benefit the little girl who is missing out on time with a daddy who clearly loves her and wants to be a part of her life.

Childish, sexist, unrealistic and pathetic replies here. OP, you would have had much more sympathetic replies if you had pretended to be a woman.

Shullbit · 14/07/2012 15:46

Well said Schererezade.

Shullbit · 14/07/2012 15:48

Scheherezade even.

AmberLeaf · 14/07/2012 15:56

This is all pie in the sky bollocks anyway.

Before this little girl is 5 yrs old she will start school and the proposed 6 weeks/1 week routine will just not happen. She won't be allowed to miss one week in seven to make it all nice for her dad and his other family.

I'm all for children having equal access to both their parents but my sympathy wanes a bit when one parent starts putting new partners and subsequent children ahead of their obligations to children that they already have.

I agree that on MN there are often double standards towards men. In this case I think the OP is being judged fairly.

Has he confirmed yet whether or not he supports his daughter financially? And what was the timescale of their breakup and his new relationship?

McHappyPants2012 · 14/07/2012 16:02

Children do have a right to see there dads.

I believe it is in the best interest to the child if the mother has the energy to take care of her.

CouthyMow · 14/07/2012 16:02

On most counts, I agree with the OP - but 'missing a week here and there of Nursery...' NO. That will make it harder for her to settle, her MOTHER will still have to pay the bill even when their DD isn't there (Is the OP going to cover those costs?), and interfere with her routine at that age.

And there is no court in the land that will accept that you want your DD but aren't willing to take the holiday time off work! As your new partner does not have PR, your Ex is perfectly able to refuse that she cares for her (your) DD when you are not there. It is ACCESS to the FATHER, not his new partner.

And I HAVE taken that issue through court - and won.

I agree that moving 300 miles away was a bit unfair of your Ex, but you then had a straight choice - Move closer to her in order to have very good contact, which you chose not to do. Stay where you were, and manage to get reasonable contact - which you ALSO chose not to do. Or unimaginably, move even further away, making contact REALLY difficult. Which you DID choose to do.

If she had no money, or needed her family's support in order to go back to work (obviously with quite a tiny baby, and possibly not wanting to put her in Nursery when she had willing familiy members offering to help), and possibly while you were together intending to be a SAHM for a while longer, but was unable to once your relationship broke down, then moving to be closewr to family support is classed as reasonable in the court.

And WHY did your relationship break down? Because if it WAS through cheating, a judge will look far more favourably on her moving to be near her family for emotional support...

CouthyMow · 14/07/2012 16:07

My Ex's new partner has NO say in the upbringing of my DS1, that is between my Ex-H and I. He cheated on me with her when I had a tiny baby, and then left me to be with her. She took my Husband - no fucking way ON THIS EARTH is she taking my DS!

I have absolutely no problem with care that is shared 48-52 in my favour, that is what we have now, but my DS1 will NOT be left in the sole care of some unrelated woman rather than his father. EVER.

DS1 is MY son, and my Ex-H's son. NOT HERS.

Huansagain · 14/07/2012 16:14

CouthyMow- How do you police that?
And is it the same for you? Only you can look after your child, no babysitters?

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