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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

desperate dad, controlling ex

315 replies

Helplessdad · 14/07/2012 12:48

Split when dd was v young. Ex wife moved 300 miles away to live with parents while she got back on her feet. Several months later I also moved to be with my partner (currently pregnant) which unfortunately was I the opposite direction. Since then I have had as much contact as poss, every other weekend staying at hotels near dd plus a week here and there for holidays and Christmas.

I just can do it anymore. It's exhausting doing all the travelling and I can't afford petrol, hotel and eating out every other weekend.

I have suggested a new plan- 6 weeks no contact, but then a whole week with my girl up here so we can spend quality time and she can get to know her other family.

Ex has said no- it's not in the interests of our daughter, it's out of her routine, it's too long away from mum, etc etc. but how is it not in her interest of she gets to spend proper time with me?

Ex isn't budging and I don't know what to do. I just can't carry on like this. I'm broke and exhausted.

Aibu to try to take this to court?

OP posts:

BalloonSlayer · 14/07/2012 13:31

x-posted with LadyBeagleEyes

FormerlyTitledUntidy · 14/07/2012 13:31

I really think you should have thought about this before moving in the opposite direction or getting someone else pregnant. It's a bit late in the day to say that it's your exes fault, when really you both moved, her understandably to be cnearer to family.

Sassybeast · 14/07/2012 13:32

Shellyboobs - and you conveniently fail to acknowledge that the OP then moved even further away to be with his new partner. Although the timescales suggest that new partner was on the scene very quickly after the break up.

LRDtheFeministDragon · 14/07/2012 13:32

I think it is unfair to say the DD should take higher priority over the OP's second child just because she was born first!

But the idea of a caravan or something like that is really good - or planning regular joint holidays if it is possible?

Btw, I don't think I would judge a man who moved 300 miles away if he were the primary carer and found it was the best solution. However hard that situation is, the person who is not taking care of the child daily has to fit around, don't they? It is only fair. I agree it does get complicated when someone cannot move - eg., if they can't move countries, or if they can't find a job nearby. But there is no way you couldn't get a job nearer than 300 miles away so I think though it is very hard for the OP, I would suggest he has a serious think about moving.

KatherineKavanagh · 14/07/2012 13:33

Why is she controlling?

And doesn't matter if he cheated or not. She is now cheating her child of a relationship with her father. And that goes against the children's act!

McHappyPants2012 · 14/07/2012 13:33

because contact arrangement have been made, and i don't think because he is having a new baby contact arrangement should change.

ChaoticismyLife · 14/07/2012 13:34

I think the OP needs to come back and explain why his ex needed to move and what obligations prevent his current dp from moving with him to be nearer his dd.

LRDtheFeministDragon · 14/07/2012 13:35

I wondered that too, KK (about the controlling bit) - is there more to this story?

I don't think it doesn't matter if he cheated, but he hasn't said so, so I'd assume not.

I don't think she is the one 'cheating' the child of a relationship - that seems really harsh to say since until recently the OP was able to go and visit.

OP, do you think she fully understands your issues with visiting? Or what does she think you should do?

Original poster

Helplessdad · 14/07/2012 13:35

Thanks for the support. Ex is bitter I think because she views the fact that I moved in with my partner rather than closer to them that I have chosen her over my daughter. It's not the case- I just want us all to be a family. She goes to nursary 2 days a week but I don't think it'll be that bad to miss a week here and there. My partner will be looking after her for a few days as I can't get that much time off work, but she'll be a mother soon too and I am her father and can choose her daily care just like my ex can while she's at work.

I just can't see why she's being so obstructive. Apparently it'll never stand up in court if I take it that far!

As for Skype, I've suggested it, but ex is unwilling so far

OP posts:

LRDtheFeministDragon · 14/07/2012 13:36

Well, she isn't really being obstructive, is she?

It's just not a very practical suggestion. Her not wanting to skype does sound off, though - that would annoy me.

Why can't you move closer, if you don't mind me asking?

LRDtheFeministDragon · 14/07/2012 13:38

I do think, also, that it is difficult to accept a child of that age going to be cared for by a woman your ex presumably doesn't know as well as she knows you, and who will just have had a newborn?

That is going to be a huge burden for your partner, and perhaps your ex is thinking back to what it was like with a new baby and feeling more nervous than you about how much attention - realistically - your partner will be able to give to your DD.

FormerlyTitledUntidy · 14/07/2012 13:38

but you have chosen to be nearer your dp than your dd...
why did you do that before thinking about the effect it would have on your and dd s relationship?

McHappyPants2012 · 14/07/2012 13:41

She goes to nursary 2 days a week but I don't think it'll be that bad to miss a week here and there

words fail me, children needs routine and taking her out of her routine and disturbing nursey is not fair on her

Sassybeast · 14/07/2012 13:42

She's not being obstructive. For all of the reasons given on this thread, she does not believe this to be the best solution for your daughter. And if she is 'bitter' about you chosing your relationship with another woman over the one with your child, you will just have to work towards resolving some of that. And falling at the first hurdles when contact becomes a bit difficult will do nothing to reassure her that you ARE prioritising your little girl. And your ex is human - handing your baby over to another woman (who I am assuming played a part in the break up of your relationship) is painful, heart wrenching and almost beyond comprehension. You risk alienating her totally by pushing things and threatening court.
I really, really hope that you take some of the advice on this thread on board OP. It's depressing the number of times men come on here painting picures of psycho, controlling unreasonable exes. She is the mother of your baby and she's not able to let her go for a week at a time. Whoevers 'fault' the distance may be, you have the power to ease up a little and give her time to adjust to yet another change to their lives.

LadyBeagleEyes · 14/07/2012 13:43

So, did you leave your wife for your partner OP?
And how old was dd when you split up?

AmberLeaf · 14/07/2012 13:48

In light of his most recent post. OP you are both deluded and unreasonable.

When did you get with your current partner/when did you split with your daughters mum?

LRDtheFeministDragon · 14/07/2012 13:51

Btw, I don't understand how moving in with the partner was 'instead' of moving closer - why couldn't you and your new partner both have moved to somewhere closer? You're mentioning your job, and I assume from what you say about childcare arrangements that your new partner will be on maternity leave at least for a little time, so presumably you moved to a new job, is that right?

If so it is obviously incorrect of your ex to see it as a choice you made in favour of your new family, but it also begs the question why there wasn't any job you could find in the opposite direction!

MrGin · 14/07/2012 13:56

OP, I can see you're caught between a rock and a hard place. I don't think it's very helpful to judge either of you for moving in oppersite directions, or telling you to 'man up'.

You will as a man on this board get a massive amount of speculation and insinuation about your charactor and motivations that simply doesn't happen to women looking for support here. Happens every time.

You've put more effort into staying in your dd's life than some hapless men who live 3 minutes away do.

I'd also guess that your new dp isn't liking the idea of you heading off every other w/e when you have an infant with her.

Generally where distance is involved , longer but less frequent trips seem to be the rule of thumb. But 18 months is too young to start doing this, but in the long run I don't see why this shouldn't be the case. And if you meet resistance to this happening in the future court may be the best option although not in terms of good relations with your XW.

My dd is three and a half and it was only at about 2.5 , after regular stays at mine ( an hours journey ) that I felt she was ready for 5 nights at mine . Thankfully it passed off fine, but it was comforting to know I could get her back to mums if there was a problem.

I think it essential to find a way to continue direct contact even if it's once a month and build up to dd staying at yours. As long as dd is loved, comfortable and secure with you I don't see why she shouldn't be staying with you for extended w/e and longer by three years but you need to work up to it.

ThisLittleTeddyBear · 14/07/2012 13:56

I would love to have sympathy op, because I believe children deserve a relationship with both parents, and give and take is required to achieve that.

However, which ever way you look at it and whatever the circumstances of your break up or ex's move you chose, after only a couple of months, a new partner over your existing child and moved further away. Now, you have chosen (presumably) to start a family with this new partner which will put extra strain on your time and finances. Of course, you are entitled to do so, but it is up to you to bear the extra burden of your choices. 18 months is too young to be away from a primary carer for that long.

LRDtheFeministDragon · 14/07/2012 14:02

YY, MrGin is right it is a very hard situation to be in. I don't think slating other 'hapless men' helps, though! If a female poster had said that, she would have been shot down!

Krumbum · 14/07/2012 14:03

Move closer to your dd not further away! You obviously did choose your new partner over your dd. Why get someone else pregnant if you can't be a dad to your existing child?

hoops997 · 14/07/2012 14:05

OP I'm in this situation at the moment, my ex and I split when DS was 9 months, he lives over 500 miles from me because of his job, I wouldn't let him take him until he was 18 months, he takes him for a maximum of 2 weeks every few months. I keep a photo of ex in a frame that DS looks at every day, talks to him on the phone, now DS is 2.3 he runs to his daddy when he comes for him so it can work.

Your ex needs to consider this, your dd needs a relationship with her daddy and her siblings, it's very tough not seeing my DS when he goes to his dads but I get a break, he sees his extended family, sounds like your ex is being difficult for the sake of it

LadyBeagleEyes · 14/07/2012 14:05

A bit harsh krumbum but exactly what I was thinking.

LRDtheFeministDragon · 14/07/2012 14:08

People don't always plan pregnancies, to be fair. We don't know the details of the OP's situation with his new partner, or why he and his ex split up. It is just as possible that she cheated on him as that he cheated on her, or that they split up for some entirely different reason.

And he has been being a dad to his DD -he's asking what to do now he is finding the travel too much of a strain.

hoops997 · 14/07/2012 14:09

OP doesn't need judging, he can't change what has happened, sounds like he needs advice so take those judgey pants off

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