desperate dad, controlling ex

[Helplessdad]

Split when dd was v young. Ex wife moved 300 miles away to live with parents while she got back on her feet. Several months later I also moved to be with my partner (currently pregnant) which unfortunately was I the opposite direction. Since then I have had as much contact as poss, every other weekend staying at hotels near dd plus a week here and there for holidays and Christmas.

I just can do it anymore. It's exhausting doing all the travelling and I can't afford petrol, hotel and eating out every other weekend.

I have suggested a new plan- 6 weeks no contact, but then a whole week with my girl up here so we can spend quality time and she can get to know her other family.

Ex has said no- it's not in the interests of our daughter, it's out of her routine, it's too long away from mum, etc etc. but how is it not in her interest of she gets to spend proper time with me?

Ex isn't budging and I don't know what to do. I just can't carry on like this. I'm broke and exhausted.

Aibu to try to take this to court?

Nope, no babysitters - only registered childcare chosen in conjunction with my DC's absent parent. And only if I am working.

I think that the reason OP and his ex split, and the circumstances surrounding that are very relevant here.

If he left his Ex to be with his current girlfriend (and to be fair the speed at which he moved away with current dp, and started making babies does suggest this) then his Ex was perfectly justified in moving near her main support network, and is perfectly justified in making the decisions r.e her daughter.

I can imagine also that if you have only been split from the father of your child for around a year, sending your baby off to be looked after by his new pregnant partner would be very hard to take.

It does sound a lot like the OP has done what is convenient for him, rather than his daughter. He has put his new partner before his existing child by choosing to move even further away.

Also agree that every six weeks for a week is unworkable.
Could you not compromise with a weekend every month OP?
Would Ex agree to that?

Please tell us why you and Ex split, because it does make a difference to whether YABU or not.

The OP already looks after his daughter for a week 'here and there', so it's not untested.

I think routine is important, but honestly, missing 2 days of nursery will not cause irreparable harm to her.

I think it's unfair to say that the OP should have moved closer and shouldn't be having a baby with his girlfriend. His ex has moved away, she could meet someone, have another baby and it wouldn't affect how often she sees her dd. Is he supposed to put his life on hold indefinitely?

I'm sure with the benefit of hindsight the OP and probably his ex would have planned things differently, but the situation is how it stands now.

The OP is looking for solutions to the problem, not a character assasination.

Or maybe posting in AIBU is a really bad idea. Relationships or Lone Parents would have been better.

OP are you going to come back and answer any questions? ie, what are the obligations that mean your current dp can't move?

I think he's probably not going to come back because the questions he's been asked are too uncomfortable.

im all for farther seeing their children. but imo he has doen every thing poss to make it harder to see the child and expects the ex to do all the work!!

i say go to court. get laughed out of it.. but hopfully you will be given at least one week end a month say fiday to sunday night.

or better yet move closer. seeing as you decided to move even further away to be with your girlfriend. its up to you.

That's the thing though kinky he won't get laughed out of court

If you break up when a child is very young and only see that child every other week end sorry but you don't get as much as a say in things as the main day to day carer does irrespective of how far away you live.
I know loads of people don't share that view but IMHO if you don't put in equal effort/ responsablity then you don't get equal rights

KK but he won't get one week in seven either!

Many do get awarded all school hols...it's not at all unusual

I just forgot to offer what may be a solution. How about one weekend fri eve to Sunday eve every 4 weeks or so Inc an extra day of it falls on a bank holiday and as she gets older and more used to your house and new family seeing if half terms can be included.

The childrens act states that no order should be issued if one is not needed, I.e court should be a last resort not just because one parent wants to force it or one parent won't toe the line with what the other wants to happen. If there are valid legit reasons for not wishing to go along with some things then address those issues or change to something that does not create issues,don't just stamp your feet and have a temper tantrum and that applys to both parents

kk do you really thing they would award some one who rarely sees their child all the schools hoildays? does the child really have to wait 4-5 years before a court makes him see the child.

he will get laughed out the court for wanting what he wants! one week
every 6 weeks. pah.

the court may ask for th emother to meet him half way. so he can take the child back to his for the weekend.

not ridiculing for having another child but he shoul dhave made sure he could raise his first child and see her and be a good dad before having another child.

kinky he does see the child regularly! What are you talking about?? I have been through court.... Saw a lot along the way too. He has been doing every other weekend which is considered the norm!!

yeah but now he wants to stop this.

I have a 22 month old and there is no way in hell I would allow him to be away from me for a week at a time. 6 weeks is a lifetime to him and you will effectively be a stranger. I can't believe you think this is OK at 18 months..

Hard as it is your daughters wellbeing is more important than your wellbeing and if you cant move closer you need to just live with the exhaustion. It is part of parenthood when they are tiny.

You should look at long term part time accommodation near her if hotel costs are mounting. There are rooms to rent for the weekends only, try air bnb or gumtree.

he wants to go to one week every 6 weeks.. up untill she goes to school then have all the half term?

Makes you wonder how forces families cope!!

no not at all. but the good ones dont complain bout having to go see them.

i was a militarty family. they are no way comaprable!

Helpless dad - your idea doesn't sound ideal to me. It's in your best interests, not your daughter's. Sorry to be blunt. Suppose once or twice you couldn't make that planned week, due to hctic schedules or similar. Before you know it, four months will go by, then six, then you lose contact. Tiny children don't settle well into chunks of time away from their primary carer. You would know that if you had full involvement with your daughter.

Why did you move 300 miles in the opposite direction? If you seriously wanted to be her dad you'd move towards her, not away from her, geographically. Sounds to me as though you are trying to distance yourself from your first family without guilt and trying to feel hard done by so you can think it's your ex being uncharitable. She's not. She's putting your child's interests first. You're putting your interests first.

Hotels are expensive, yes. So are nappies, formula, baby clothes that they grow out of every two weeks, calpol, nursery fees, books and toys. I don't need to go on. I think absent dads can forget how very costly the day to day expenses of child rearing are. Stop moaning.