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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

desperate dad, controlling ex

315 replies

Helplessdad · 14/07/2012 12:48

Split when dd was v young. Ex wife moved 300 miles away to live with parents while she got back on her feet. Several months later I also moved to be with my partner (currently pregnant) which unfortunately was I the opposite direction. Since then I have had as much contact as poss, every other weekend staying at hotels near dd plus a week here and there for holidays and Christmas.

I just can do it anymore. It's exhausting doing all the travelling and I can't afford petrol, hotel and eating out every other weekend.

I have suggested a new plan- 6 weeks no contact, but then a whole week with my girl up here so we can spend quality time and she can get to know her other family.

Ex has said no- it's not in the interests of our daughter, it's out of her routine, it's too long away from mum, etc etc. but how is it not in her interest of she gets to spend proper time with me?

Ex isn't budging and I don't know what to do. I just can't carry on like this. I'm broke and exhausted.

Aibu to try to take this to court?

OP posts:
Nanny0gg · 15/07/2012 11:53

Well summed-up givemeaclue.

OP -
You cannot dump a toddler into a house with a woman she doesn't know, whose first priority will be her newborn, miles and miles away from the only home and family she knows.

What planet are you actually on?

All this is of your making. The last thing your Ex is, is controlling, and I don't see why you're 'desperate'. Should have thought of all this before life got so tangled, shouldn't you?

kirsty75005 · 15/07/2012 12:52

There is a thing in your arrangements that sticks out as being completely unworkable, and that's having your new partner care for the toddler as well as her newborn when she' on maternity leave.

This is very unfair on the toddler, your new partner and your ex-wife. Looking after a toddler as well as a newborn is extremely challenging when it's your toddler for whom you would happily walk through fire and you have already some experience of children. If you have no experience of children (I'm assuming this is your partners first pregnancy) and it isn't your child - after the first few times your new partner will hate your toddler. One week every 6 would be somewhat distressing to a small child if they were being looked after by their dad - being looked after by a tired, vulnerable stragner with (rightly) not very much time for them will be dreadful. And you can't expect your ex to hand over care of her child to a stranger whiom she has good reason to distrust.

A sine qua none of your plan would be that you must take time off when your child is with you. If that means taking eg. 5-4 days every 4 weeks (say) rather than a whole week every 6, so be it.

Scheherezade · 15/07/2012 12:54

You can't punish a man for cheating by removing access to his child. That punishes the child as well.

LadyBeagleEyes · 15/07/2012 12:55

I do hope OP's ex is on Mumsnet, and reading this.
If you are Mrs Ex, please post Smile

AKE2012 · 15/07/2012 12:56

I have read a lot of the comments but not all of them. And i have to say i hav no sympathy for the OP.

His child is only 18 months old and already he has moved in & gotten someone else pregnant. Now he is moaning coz the situation is not suitable to him or his new family.

If 300 miles is too far to move, wat is an acceptable distance?

I moved 150 miles wen my ex & i split. Does that mean im a selfish mother?

LRDtheFeministDragon · 15/07/2012 13:02

scheherezade - who is 'removing access', though? The OP has access. He is the one saying he can't manage the journey any more and wants a different kind of access plan. And the one he's come up with has multiple problems.

helenthemadex · 15/07/2012 13:05

scheherezade from what I have read the op has not said that the exw is removing access to his child, she has in fact said

ex has said no- it's not in the interests of our daughter, it's out of her routine, it's too long away from mum

it is the op who is saying " I just can't carry on like this. I'm broke and exhausted."

all of this is a consequence of his actions, and his ex is justified and absolutey correct in thinking of the interests of an 18month old baby, not that of her ex with a wandering cock who will be dumping the baby on ow

ChaoticismyLife · 15/07/2012 13:07

Scheherezade the OP has to find a way to have contact with his child that doesn't include making her travel a 600+ mile round journey. One that means he sees her more often than 6 weeks and doesn't, at this age, remove her from her primary carer and familiar surroundings, for too long.

This to me would mean making an attempt to move closer but the OP says this isn't possible because of his current partner but doesn't say why, which comes across as putting his partner before his child.

ChaoticismyLife · 15/07/2012 13:08

x posts.

TooImmatureTurtleDoves · 15/07/2012 13:11

I'll bet part of the problem is that the new gf/ow is complaining that she'll be spending every other weekend alone with her newborn if the current arrangement continues. Tough luck! When you take on a man with existing kids, you come second. Your children will have their dad 12 days out of 14. The OP's DD has 2. Even less sympathy if you knowingly started up a relationship with a married man.

Eggrules · 15/07/2012 13:18

Nursery fees have to be paid whether the child attends or not. Do you provide financial support?

By 'unfortunately' moving further away, you did choose your new life over your DD.

Your six weeks off and one week on plan is not in the best interests of your DD.

You are not suggesting to look after your own child and instead you want your pregnant partner to step in on your behalf. How would you feel, if teh situation was reversed?

You need to think of another arrangement.

Eggrules · 15/07/2012 13:22

Desperate dad, controlling ex or Selfish dad, protective ex

AKE2012 · 15/07/2012 13:24

I have gone back and read all the comments. Missed the bit about the affair. I could be the OPs ex if his child was older.

My exH had an affair, left me to be with her and within 2 months she was pregnant. I moved away from where we lived to be with my family (my ex knew this would happen as i always talked about moving there). Still he chose to have an affair and end our marriage. For years after he never kept up regular contact coz he didnt have the money(No his new partner was controlling and didnt trust him being away from her). And there is no way i would let some other woman look after my child as she doesnt even look after her own.

If u spoke to my ex he would give u a completely different story.

I think the OP is selfish and unreasonable. Yes he wants to see his child but to his own convience. He is not putting his child first. It is not practical to take a chid out of nursery and send it hundreds of miles away from its main carer.

PaythePiper · 15/07/2012 14:19

So, OP, can you clarify since there has been a lot of confusion about who moved where but I don't think you have ever said- your ex-wife moved 300 miles away from you and what presumably had been your marital home.

You then moved yourself to be with your new partner, a move you describe as unfortunate. Exactly how far was your move in the opposite direction? It sounds like we are talking more than a 300 mile trip for your child to your house, which is already far enough but I'd be interested to hear the specific distances involved since some of the geography here is your own making.

EmilieFloge · 15/07/2012 15:37

I don't think he is going to bother to post again because barely anyone can see his point of view. I really hope he understands what we are nearly all saying, and that it isn't from bitterness or spite, it's from an objective point of view - there have been a lot of men who have posted on here with similar,, but not identical, situations and they have been met with far more sympathy than this, purely on the basis that they have done nothing or very little to cause their own situation, and can see it from the child's interests.

The OP here really seems unable to do this.

washingonawednesday · 15/07/2012 15:50

Well im almost certain this is my ex / his ow. I've said till I'm blue in the face how I can suggest making these trips cheaper. He dosent want to know. Hes totally set that he's never staying here again and all the contact should be on his home turf now

Well sorry but that's totally wrong for our child and I'll be mogadored if the ow is looking after my child and her baby instead of him. I couldn't imagine doing it with a baby of my own and a toddler, both of whom I love equally, never mind with someone elses child.

He can piss right off. Made bad desision, followed by bad decision, compounded by further bad desisions and I do not have to take crap from him anymore- one of the significant benefits of divorce!!

AmberLeaf · 15/07/2012 16:14

Really washingonawednesday? Do you really think its your ex?

HildaOgden · 15/07/2012 16:14

Are you really his ex,washingonawednesday??

redrosette · 15/07/2012 16:21

haven't read entire thread but:

18 months is too young to be away from her primary carer - her mum.
OP and his DP should have moved closer to his DD not further away.
If his DP couldn't do that, then the fact he moved away shows he cares more for his DP than his DD and will likely be used against him in any court action.
Its unfair on the DP to look after a toddler and a newborn.
Money should be no object to having a relationship with his child.

What an asshole

washingonawednesday · 15/07/2012 16:41

Well switch the girl to a boy, add 100 mile move in his direction and dial up the arrogance by 10,000 and yup- I married that!

thebody · 15/07/2012 16:46

Washing, what a selfish self centred git, best rid of...

Socknickingpixie · 15/07/2012 16:52

washing I'm really hoping you are because if so that's priceless.

I get so fucked of with the all rp's are controling punishing bitches when in reality it's a very small amount of them. Sometimes there is a very good reason for not giving into every order from a nrp

bejeezus · 15/07/2012 17:13

Haha! @

I am skint and exhausted, and this can't continue

HahahahahaHAHAHAHaHaHahAhAhaaaaaa!

needaholidaynow · 15/07/2012 17:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ValentineBombshell · 15/07/2012 17:16

As I said upthread there has been a similar story on MN earlier in the year, same circs, but the ExP was offering him the use of her parents' summer rental but the pg OW didn't like that and think ILs didn't like doing him any favours. He was proposing 'a plan' along these lines.

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