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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

desperate dad, controlling ex

315 replies

Helplessdad · 14/07/2012 12:48

Split when dd was v young. Ex wife moved 300 miles away to live with parents while she got back on her feet. Several months later I also moved to be with my partner (currently pregnant) which unfortunately was I the opposite direction. Since then I have had as much contact as poss, every other weekend staying at hotels near dd plus a week here and there for holidays and Christmas.

I just can do it anymore. It's exhausting doing all the travelling and I can't afford petrol, hotel and eating out every other weekend.

I have suggested a new plan- 6 weeks no contact, but then a whole week with my girl up here so we can spend quality time and she can get to know her other family.

Ex has said no- it's not in the interests of our daughter, it's out of her routine, it's too long away from mum, etc etc. but how is it not in her interest of she gets to spend proper time with me?

Ex isn't budging and I don't know what to do. I just can't carry on like this. I'm broke and exhausted.

Aibu to try to take this to court?

OP posts:

MrGin · 14/07/2012 14:11

This is not AIBU you know ! This is a support forum for lone parents.

fDragon you're joking right ? I see derogitory and sexist comments about men on MN everyday that all go unchallenged.

MrGin · 14/07/2012 14:15

Ooops.... This is in aibu. < slaps self around head with a large fish >

apologies apologies, apologies. Judge away !!!

LRDtheFeministDragon · 14/07/2012 14:17

I challenge sexist comments when I see then, gin. It doesn't make it ok to make more, just because you see other people doing it, IMO.

KatherineKavanagh · 14/07/2012 14:20

mrgin you speak sense

Also, if this goes to court, the judge will deal with the facts as they stand. He will not be digging up the reasons for new partner/new pregnancy/why op moved

He will want to know why ex won't skype
He will want to know that op has a safe environment for dd in his home
He will be looking to find a way to build on the excellent effort op has already put in

FormerlyTitledUntidy · 14/07/2012 14:25

op do you pay child support?

attheendoftheday · 14/07/2012 14:27

18 months is too young to be away from her main carer for a week. I don't think your ex is being controlling or obstructive over this, she is looking after her daughter's interests.

Furthermore you're suggesting she will be cared for by someone who she doesn't know while you work. I can see why your ex would object to that too.

If only your ex had moved away then I would think she should help with transport and travel costs, but you moved away too, so I don't think she does.

So I think you still need to go to them. You can reduce costs by staying in a hostel rather than a hotel and cooking rather than eating out.

Being tired is a fact of being a parent. I imagine your ex is quite tired being a single parent, so probably best not to complain of your tiredness to her.

Huansagain · 14/07/2012 14:28

I don't think you should be allowed to move 100s of miles away from the other parent.

Sassybeast · 14/07/2012 14:29

With regards Skype, how many 18 month olds will happily sit in front of a computer and babble away ? Mum will be expected to sit with a wriggly toddler on her lap and encourage toddler to blow raspberries at daddy. Who will be safely ensconced in the home he has made with his new pregnant partner. This woman is human - not made of stone. If she doesn't feel that she wants to use Skype, then why should it be forced if the only outcome is a bored, wriggly toddler ? My kids are significantly older and hate Skype - it feels so unnatural to them to sit in front of a laptop whilst daddy grills them about what they've been up to and then get shuffy when they want to log off It works for some families, it doesn't for others and it is not a replacement for proper contact.

McHappyPants2012 · 14/07/2012 14:31

i will not have a webcam set up in my home and no judge could force me into having technology in my home that i didn't want.

the ex does have the right to privacy in her own home

kinkynagbag · 14/07/2012 14:32

are you going to pay for the nursery that she will miss then? becasue you still have to pay if they dont show up!

get a pair. YOU chose to move that 300 miles away. you could have said your current girlfriend no. i cant move in with you i have to live near my child to see her regulary. you chose to have a nother child who you also have to now consider.

Sassybeast · 14/07/2012 14:33

Mchappy pants - yes - I forgot to add that key point.

Sassybeast · 14/07/2012 14:34

Huansagain - thankfully the courts don't share your views and people are not imprisoned following the break up of a relationship.

JumpingThroughHoops · 14/07/2012 14:36

Have you got joint parental responsibility?

Krumbum · 14/07/2012 14:36

Ok then the advice is move closer to your daughter and do a fair amount of care. Being a parent is not about visiting your child it's about doing day to day care, helping actually raise that child.
Lrd accidental pregnancys do happen! but twice so close together?

sensuallettuce · 14/07/2012 14:36

My OH does 635 miles twice every other weekend to collect his DC and bring them here.

DS2 has spent every other weekend with his dad since he was 3 months old.

Where is the problem exactly in you asking o have your DD every other weekend and going to collect her?

JumpingThroughHoops · 14/07/2012 14:40

The OP has stated he cannot afford to maintain his child plus petrol plus hotels plus eating out - as he detailed in his OP. Not everyone can tolerate that level of driving either - it is exhausting - and it eats into his time with his child

The fact the parents are apart should not mean absolute penury for the NRP.

Sassybeast · 14/07/2012 14:42

Yet he's able to afford another child ?

KatherineKavanagh · 14/07/2012 14:44

kinky no he didn't!! The ex did!

JumpingThroughHoops · 14/07/2012 14:45

What has that got to do with it?

I still want to know if he has joint parental responsibility - if so, I'd be up the courts in a flash. Far too many women think a child is their possession and make it bloody awkward for fathers to remain involved.

Relationship board is full of advisers with the mantra 'dont put him on the birth certificate and screw him over for every penny' .... thoroughly sickening.

sensuallettuce · 14/07/2012 14:46

Maybe he should've thought about that before he moved and got another women PG.

KatherineKavanagh · 14/07/2012 14:46

I think a lot of posters here have little idea of proper contact arrangements that take place all across the country on a weekly basis!!

He is the dad..... He is an equal parent

Equal

LRDtheFeministDragon · 14/07/2012 14:48

krum - I know, I just don't want to judge the OP on things we don't know. I am trying to be as gentle as possible because I do think, unfortunately, that he needs a wake-up call.

I don't know, OP, if this will help but here is how I understand things from your posts:

You and your ex, unfortunately, do not have a good relationship. You both feel hurt at the other and things are clearly quite raw. It sounds as if neither of you especially want to make life easy for the other partner. But you have been going to see your DD regularly and this has felt very hard because of the distance.

Your new partner is expecting a baby. You are of the opinion that she can care for a newborn and an 18-month-old baby at the same time, while you are out at work. I do not want to criticize but I would seriously question whether this is practical or fair?

You'd like your DD to travel a distance you yourself find hard, every six weeks. Again - I can completely understand why you want to see her, but I cannot see how this could work in practice. And, as has been pointed out, it could work out pretty expensive - there would be the costs of transport, probably an overnight stop in the middle, and paying for the nursery for the days she misses (not saying you'd necessarily cover all of this but obviously someone would have to).

I do think it is clearer and clearer that moving is the best option. I'm hoping maybe setting it out like this helps to show how it comes across - sometimes it can be useful to get an outside view.

Sassybeast · 14/07/2012 14:54

It's got everything to do with it ? If you can't fulfill your financial (and therefore practical and emotional) obligations to your child, whatever circumstances you find yourself in, don't have any more.
Not a popular view on MN I know.

JumpingThroughHoops · 14/07/2012 14:59

Well, I'm generally of the opinion if you cant afford it, dont have it (and I apply that to gadgets as well as babies) but the usual view on MN is 'meh, don't worry, the state will finance it here's a link to how much you can get in benefits - off you pop and fulfil your hormonal urges'.

The real issue with the OPs problem is the distance, as well as the financial implications. He cant hope to make a meaningful contribution to either family if all he is doing is filling Esso and Travelodges coffers.

Equal parenting comes first.

MrsBovary · 14/07/2012 15:01

I don't think your ex is being unreasonable or obstructive. The impracticalities of a week in every six, and whether this arrangement would be sustainable in the long term (school and so on), must be a concern for her.

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