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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

desperate dad, controlling ex

315 replies

Helplessdad · 14/07/2012 12:48

Split when dd was v young. Ex wife moved 300 miles away to live with parents while she got back on her feet. Several months later I also moved to be with my partner (currently pregnant) which unfortunately was I the opposite direction. Since then I have had as much contact as poss, every other weekend staying at hotels near dd plus a week here and there for holidays and Christmas.

I just can do it anymore. It's exhausting doing all the travelling and I can't afford petrol, hotel and eating out every other weekend.

I have suggested a new plan- 6 weeks no contact, but then a whole week with my girl up here so we can spend quality time and she can get to know her other family.

Ex has said no- it's not in the interests of our daughter, it's out of her routine, it's too long away from mum, etc etc. but how is it not in her interest of she gets to spend proper time with me?

Ex isn't budging and I don't know what to do. I just can't carry on like this. I'm broke and exhausted.

Aibu to try to take this to court?

OP posts:

gothicangel · 14/07/2012 13:09

if she is only 18months why not talk on skype or something, so she can see you?

LRDtheFeministDragon · 14/07/2012 13:10

worra - you can skype an 18 month old! Sure it's not the same, but we skyped with my niece since she was tiny and it was a great way of getting to see how she was and what she was doing.

Ithinkitsjustme · 14/07/2012 13:11

I'm guessing that by "no contact" the OP means no physical contact, rather than no phone calls/ skype etc.

With regards to the distance, it's not going to make a lot of difference whether it's 10 miles or 300 miles from her mother if the child isn't going to see her for a week, is it? I think that providing we are not talking about an infant ( and it doesn't sound that way for the OP) and that the weeks contact can be worked around school hoildays then it's pretty reasonable. I'm not sure that it would be fair to have a full week during half term holidays, but certainly during the longer holidays I can't see a reasonable opbjection. Court should be the last resort, but if all everything else has failed then you don't have a lot to lose.

Only possible alternatives I can think of, would be a campsite, rather than a hotel. There is also the issue of financial support, if you already pay financially then this should be taken into account, if you don't then you might have more of a struggle.

ChaoticismyLife · 14/07/2012 13:11

Ex wife moved 300 miles away to live with parents while she got back on her feet. Several months later I also moved to be with my partner (currently pregnant) which unfortunately was I the opposite direction.

So you've both moved in opposite directions, her to live with her parents, you because your partner can't move due to obligations?

Are those 'obligations' her children from a previous relationship which means she can't move because of their relationship with their dad?

Just trying to get a clearer picture.

TheChangerOfTheName · 14/07/2012 13:12

18 months old is too young to benefit from a six weeks off one week on relationship. At that age, routine and a regular, relatively frequent contact arrangement would be in the best interests of your daughter.

You, I hope, would want to do what's best for your daughter?

FormerlyTitledUntidy · 14/07/2012 13:12

the dd is only 18 months old

McHappyPants2012 · 14/07/2012 13:12

i think a week is a long time for a toddler to be away from his/her mum.

I don't know why you mentioned your DP being pregnant, that make no diffrence.

WorraLiberty · 14/07/2012 13:13

I suppose it's worth giving the Skype thing a try but I can imagine it's going to be a bit awkward for the ex to keep a wriggly baby on her lap so Daddy can make cooing noises at her

No LRD I don't think it's fair that she took the OP's DD 300 miles away from him, but then again as I said I would have fought tooth and nail to stop anyone taking my kids that far away.

Sassybeast · 14/07/2012 13:14

It's a ridiculous idea. 6 weeks is far to long for no contact - especially when Skpye, phonecalls etc won't be of any use at her age. 3 weeks is a more resonable time scale, but still not ideal and if I was you I'd be using some holiday time to have long weekends near her home, rather then drag her hundreds of miles for a week.
And she'll be starting nursery in no time at all.

Krumbum · 14/07/2012 13:14

Move nearer to your daughter.

LadyInDisguise · 14/07/2012 13:14

The Op said he already has his dd a week here and there for holidays and Christmas.
So she is already used to be with her dad for a week at the time.

I agree though that it should be spending week at your home rather in an hotel though. She needs to have some sort of 'anchor point' and knows that your home is also her home.

6 weeks wo seen her dad is a very very log time though when you are 18months old.
That's a system that could work for you but is the best for your dd?

And how are you going to work that one out when you also have a baby at home too?

LRDtheFeministDragon · 14/07/2012 13:16

But worra, if she needed her parents' support, it does seem a tough choice she had?

It is a very long way, though.

(Btw, when we skyped we used it more as an alternative to taking masses of video - they'd put the camera somewhere where we could see the whole room and we'd chat while she was crawling around. As an alternative to video it's quite good and cheap but yes, not going to get a hug from it!)

FormerlyTitledUntidy · 14/07/2012 13:16

I took that to mean he travelled up to be with his dd for a week or two, not that he took her off for a week?

Ithinkitsjustme · 14/07/2012 13:17

Having read the "inbetween" posts, I'll rewrite part of mine! 18 months is too young to be away from her mother for a week, but it sounds a reasonable arrangement as she gets older. You really need to keep that regular contact with her while she is so young. Can you find cheaper accomodation and transport for now. Often coaches and even train fares can be very reasonable if booked in advance. I've done a return from Bristol to London for under a £5 and a return from Bristol to Edinburgh for 6 people only cost us £57.

ChaoticismyLife · 14/07/2012 13:17

The OP said she moved in with her parents in order to get back on her feet. This could mean that she had no job, couldn't afford to rent somewhere (not everyone will take DSS) so didn't have much choice.

I personally would like a clearer picture of both circumstances before making a judgement on that.

Either way, 18 months is still a baby so the OP's dd will need more regular contact than every 6 weeks.

WorraLiberty · 14/07/2012 13:18

It depends on whether she really needed her parent's support of if it was just the easiest thing.

Either way, I don't think she put her DD's best interest before her own.

But I'm only basing that on the limited info from the OP....I suppose she could have been depressed or totally skint or something and so had no choice.

I don't know but what I do know is, putting a 300 mile distance between any baby and their parent should be a very last resort.

LRDtheFeministDragon · 14/07/2012 13:21

Sure, I see what you are saying worra. But I don't see why she shouldn't do the easiest thing, TBH? Maybe she expected he would move nearer too? I don't really understand why he hasn't as it seems the obvious thing to me. I mean, I can understand that there are areas of the country where it would be very hard to get a job, but there must be somewhere closer than 300 miles? And then he moved further away?

KatherineKavanagh · 14/07/2012 13:22

Op, if you take this to court now, by the time it's finalised your dd is likely to be well over 2 years. Which is more appropriate

I would

Carry in doing every other weekend for now.
Skype in-between
Once she is 2 (and your new dc has arrived)suggest it again to your ex
Of she says no, then off to court

whatinthewhatnow · 14/07/2012 13:22

I can see how difficult you are finding this OP. Sorry for some of the unhelpful responses on here.

You are in an almost impossible situation. Personally I would put seeing my child above any commitments that a new partner has, but I understand that would be hard to communicate to a pregnant dp.

She is still a baby and as such being away from her primary carer for a whole week would probably be very scary for her, and stressful for you, particulary if she hadn't seen you in 6 weeks. Children do best when there is regular, frequent contact in a predictable and reliable pattern. So what you are doing now is obviously great for her, but is becoming very hard for you to maintain financially.

Do bear in mind the enormous financial strain that many single mums face every day when weighing up how fair or unfair your situation is. Children are an expensive business.

On a practical level, could you cut costs in any way to maintain the visits?

Good luck, it's obvious you want to maintain a relationship with your DD and that's fantastic.

BarbarianMum · 14/07/2012 13:24

ShellyBoobs · 14/07/2012 13:26

I'm at the posters telling OP to 'man up' and 'get on with it'.

If OP was female and her ex had taken the child and moved 300 miles, people would be calling the ex every name under the sun.

LRDtheFeministDragon · 14/07/2012 13:26

YY, I think the pregnant DP makes a difference, of course. You'd bloody hope it would, wouldn't you?! He must be pretty busy. And it is very different from if the OP were a single person, who would have more flexibility to move around the country.

OP, what does your new partner feel? Would she be on board with a move or is this something she wouldn't want?

whatthewhatthebleep · 14/07/2012 13:28

it's all about priorities isn't it...your DD was your first priority and now she has to 'fit' with your new priorities...????

It needs to be looked at I'd think....

Priorities are difficult but your DD came first and tbh...My view is that it should stay that way.....she will always be your DD bottom line.....so maybe that will help you look at things this way....I also believe your ex needs to think about this too though...if she wants the best relationship for her DD with her DF...then that should be a priority to her too...

meeting half way...organising residence thats regular and familiar is really important....might you be able to invest in a small caravan which could be of benefit to all the family...this would half the travel and form a permanent residence where you have the family structure ability....then you could maintain as much contact as you wanted to...???

If you and family and maybe ex all chipped into purchase...it could be favourable to all and just a nice distance for short breaks and holidays and also provides a family structure for everyone to enjoy and relax in....

LadyBeagleEyes · 14/07/2012 13:29

Maybe she moved 300 miles away, because the OP cheated on her when she was pregnant or had a young baby, and she needed her family
That's the impression I'm getting, given the timescale.

BalloonSlayer · 14/07/2012 13:30

What does "get back on her feet" mean?

Financially? Emotionally?

Sounds like the OP's ex was in a pretty bad way when they broke up.

Moving to be near her parents sounds quite reasonable.

I have to confess that I have done all sorts of reading between the lines given the information on the OP, and constructed a story which is not favourable to the OP, so I am struggling to sympathise. I am probably totally wrong though.

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