To be upset about this and wonder what to do?

[whathasthecatdonenow]

I work with someone I considered a friend e.g. we go on nights out, I'm invited to her wedding etc. This morning she was working in a different room when someone phoned our communal phone for her. I went to get her, and overheard her slagging me off to a colleague from another department. She was using really foul language and insulting my appearance, saying I had no personality, was sexually frustrated, she wanted to smash my face in for breathing, she wished I'd just kill myself.

I just backed away down the corridor and burst into tears and have barely been able to hold it together for the rest of the day. I'm so upset and I don't know how to even be in the same room as her now. I'm contemplating just not going into work tomorrow. I suffer with depression and was having a relatively 'happy' period but as soon as I heard this I just wanted to hurt myself.

I know we all have a moan about people, I'm as guilty as the next person, but this just felt incredibly vicious. AIBU to be so upset as I assume she never meant for me to hear?

My apologies Exoticfruits, I read your post as agreeing with complexnumber.

Note to self: do not post when tired following many bad nights with DCs. Honest mistakes will be made, hackles will rise and you will end up feeling bad. . (I usually do read very accurately, btw, services as proofreader have often been used)

's ok though, I only reported complexnumber's post. First ever report, do I get a badge?

OP, thinking of you today.

Hope you are okay whathas.

Do not let this poisonous woman make you doubt yourself a minute longer. People may bitch but this is definitely nasty and totally over the top. If she is like this regularly no wonder she can't get many friends outside work to come to her Hen Night.

I would go with the sending a blank card mentioned earlier stating you won't be going to the wedding anymore. You could state the reason as being you overheard her conversation with X or wait to tell her why when she asks you.

If you for one moment can't face going into work because of this bitch and it starts affecting your work then you need to speak to your boss.

You are a worthwhile person doing a wonderful job.
I would speak to her as little as possible and try to swap desks. And i would make sure the biggest gossip in the place knows exactly what she said.

Don't be a victim. Hold your head up high.

After several years of ill health and a succession of sacrifices due to that ill health, I hit rock bottom. I felt tired and bitter about my life and I noticed that as these feelings of frustration and sadness grew my reactions to and attitudes towards others worsened. I was bitching to my husband about people for the first time in my life, about stupid things that didn't even matter. I felt worse about myself because of my attitude and it became a viscious circle.

Now I am feeling a bit better I realise that none of what I was saying was really about those people; it was all about how twisted up I felt inside and how much I disliked myself (I was a 'bit' depressed).

The reason I'm 'fessing up here is that I REALLY want you to believe that when people bitch it is a reflection of what they feel inside about themselves. It really is NOT about you. I never really believed that until I experienced it myself.

I must say that I am in no way trying to excuse these colleagues of yours, OP. Their comments were extreme to say the least and they (even if they do feel sad inside) have to take full responsibility for their actions, as we all do. I just really don't want you to take them to heart.

Feel proud of yourself that you, even though you suffer from depression, have kept a positive attitude towards others. I think you sound like a very lovely person. Be brave.

(Sorry for the looong post)

"I can't make myself nice. I don't know how."

I'm on the edge today anyway, but this actually made me cry. It makes me so sad that this vile woman has made you feel this way. You are worth a million of her. And then some.

I suspect she was trying to act the big I am in front of the male colleague and possibly trying to impress him. Ironic really since any decent man wouldn't touch someone like that with a barge pole. She's just a deeply insecure woman.

I wouldn't be able to be normal around her. I'm not confrontational but if she approached me all smiles, I'd say politely that I knew what she's said and then walk away.

I am so sorry that your friend/colleague has been so vile and the effect it has had on you. I suffer from low self esteem and anxiety so understand why you feel so hurt. I agree with the other posts, it is a reflection on her not you. Happy people dont come out with such disgusting comments, especially about friends. She sounds like she was trying to make herself look big in front of your male colleague, which was very wrong of her but it seems to me like she has big problems to feel the need to do that. You sound like a lovely person and you are much better off without her x

I've been thinking about this over night. I work in a school and if anyone said anything like it would be reported, and disciplinary would follow without question. It is wholly unprofessional, immature and unacceptable - even if said when pissed in the pub. The fact it happened on school premises during the working day make it beyond any realms of reasonable.

This is workplace bullying and as such it must be reported. You can use your grievance procedure to do it right.

Un MN-like hugs coming your way. You're a brave woman - massive hats off to you for going in today. Stay strong and nail the bitch.

Report this sorry excuse for a human being. Go as high as you can. Arm yourself with facts first. Who to report to first etc. Find out your rights. You and I both share the same problem. We allow others to define who we are. I have my Fatnher tio thank for that :(

She is a coward and all she hjas said is about how she feels inside not about you.

You're not to blame. It isn't your fault.

complex thinks she is perfect obviously!

She invited you to her wedding??????

Better distance yourself from her and find a new friend. No need to say or do anything else.

I hope you're OK OP, I've been thinking about this thread all day. I think you were incredibly strong to keep it together yesterday and to go back to work today, I'm not sure I could have done. I just want to reiterate what everyone else said, that this says nothing about you and everything about her. Sending out a second batch of invitations strongly suggests that she doesn't have many friends and it doesn't take much imagination to work out why! What kind of person speaks abo

I really hope you can find the strength to take this to your line manager/HR. It is incredibly unprofessional and there is no excuse for it. You might think she's the golden girl, but it might just be that some other people also know what she's really like.

Hope you've had an OK day and can have a nice weekend without thinking about it too much. Have you talked to your boyfriend about it?

The fact that the guy asked whom she was slagging off suggests to me that he might have seen you or knew you were there? Maybe to 'out' her? He was agreeing witrh her as he is leaving anyway and just wanted to let you know it was you she was slagging off. Unless you were in a position where it would have been impossible to spot you.

I think he asked because she ha probably been slagging loads of people off and he couldn't keep up! I'm sure he wouldn't have let op know as op says he ha some loyalty to the bitch

Her words reflect on her not you. Don't you dare believe that anything she says is based on reality!!

She said all this at work (not in the pub or her own home). It is really unprofessional

I agree - and that should be the focus of your complaint. Both of them have behaved appallingly and deserve to be disciplined. I also endorse the advice to inform your area union rep.

Hello everyone. May I once again say thank you for your support, I'm humbled that people have taken the time to offer such kind words for a stranger.

The issue is out in the open now. She came to find me as she was wondering why I wasn't in the staffroom. I told her that I'd heard what she thought of me and long story short, she cried, and said she was just upset with me because she'd been told off for not marking her books correctly and our line manager had compared our books to show her what to do.

She said she was stressed because of the wedding, and could we just forget it? I told her that I can't ever think about her in the same way knowing that she could even think that about me, let alone say it. She left the room and our line manager came to find me a bit later to say she was crying in the toilets. I told the LM that some unpleasant things had been said by her, and left it at that for now. LM talked about mediation, or raising a grievance, but I'm not sure I want to. She was my friend, I love her little boy, I don't want to be responsible for blighting her career.

I am relieved it is not my secret anymore.

Well done for facing up to her but what.a.load.of.bollocks
She's stressed because of her wedding and because you're a better marker than her? Er no, she was showing off, using cruelty to bond, belittling someone she thought wouldn't stand up to her and is now crying because she's been found out.
Did you actually re-iterate soem of the vile comments?

However, your decision not to take it further because of her 'career' (as it is) and her child is mature and definitively shows you to be the better person.

Do you feel any better or are you still feeling low?

someone she thought wouldn't stand up to her and is now crying because she's been found out

I agree - and her weak attempt to shut you up is manipulative IMO.

I'm glad your LM was supportive.

I personally still think you should record this formally but I can see how you might find it difficult.

I don't want to be responsible for blighting her career

You wouldn't be responsible - she was responsible when she opened her foul mouth, and that applies to her pathetic sidekick too.

Well done OP. It sounds like you handled it brilliantly. I hope you feel better.

She really does sound awful asking 'Can we just forget it?' - I am so glad that you put her straight on that.

And you still sound lovely OP

I agree with Stealth. She is talking bollocks, she is just fucked off at being found out. Don't give the benefit of the doubt, but walk away with your head held high. You can take things further, or not, but please be proud of the dignified way you have handled this. That's what people treasure, dignity and personality, not everyone is as shallow as her judging others by appearance. I wouldn't bother going to her wedding either.

I'm getting married in a few weeks and am a bit stressed about it, however it wouldn't occur to me to speak about a friend like that. You are right not to grievance her or involve your management, it is a personal issue. That said, what she said is truly awful and I would definitely keep her at a distance and just be polite and courteous when professionally required. Please don't see her nastiness as a reflection on you, it is her problem.

I still feel low, but I think I'm just mourning what I thought was a friendship, rather than believing the bile.

Exam marking is finished now so I'm planning to spend the weekend sleeping and eating my (apparently excessive) weight in fondant fancies.

Do you think the mediation would be helpful at all, as you do need to work with her?

I'm so impressed that you've handled this so well.

Actually the more I think about it think about it. It obviously wasn;t the marking, because of his reaction. "I hate her she marks better than me " would be followed up, even if they were shagging each other by "err get a grip dear" - most people would see her reaction to having her work criticised as a huge overreaction, almost to the point of worrying about her grip on reality. The bitchiest thing I'd expect her to say if it was just about marking would be a comment about favourtism.

She is a deeply flawed and abusive being. She shouldn't be allowed anywhere near children, not even her own.

What she said was not just whining about marking, she said she wished you killed yourself, she used violent language to describe what she felt about you. She is SICK.

She cried, like many bullies do, when she got caught out. She cried in the loos, not because of what she'd done to you, but for herself. Had she been contrite, she would have told the LM that she had hurt you.

She somehow made it so that LM came to talk to YOU about it, as if SHE were the victim.

if the shoe were on the other foot love... she would be reeling off verbatim what you had said.

She will do this to others. TBH she needs to be exposed, both as a teacher and as a Fiancée. If I were marrying someone capable of that level of vitriol, I would think more than twice about doing so if I knew they'd said what has been said to you.

Yes, well done. I hope you're feeling proud of yourself for behaving with such dignity

Did she even apologise?! She doesn't sound very sorry, just sorry that she got found out and scared about what you'll do. Whatever you decide to do, you must believe that YOU have not ruined her career. She has nobody to blame but herself.

Glad you are OK and can joke about it :) Eat my weight in fondant fancies - you'll get a fair few more!