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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not find this amusing? (I know I am not, just want to whinge)

160 replies

fullofregrets · 09/07/2012 20:26

Ok, so I am a sahm. Obviously financially dependant on dh. Dh earns a reasonable amount (quite a lot more than national average - not a stealth boast a, only mentioning it to show it isnt like he is struggling for money himself) and gives me some money each month. However, he seems to think that everything is 'his' money and questions what I spend. And makes little jokes which are not funny.
Today I was wearing a new top (tesco,£6) and he asked if it was new. When I said yes, he replied 'I must be paying you too much, I'll have to cut your wages.'
Oh how I laughed. This from a man who spent 200 on a night out the weekend before last and more than that on three designer t shirts last month. I rarely buy anything for myself, and if I do it is from tesco, Asda etc. I haven't had my haircut for over a year and rarely go out. I spend 'my' money on ds, food, petrol, a couple of bills and family and friends' birthday or Christmas presents.
It isn't funny is it? He says it like a joke but I feel he does mean it on some level. He has made similar comments before such as 'bathrooms not cleaned today? I'll have to cut your wages.'

OP posts:

kim147 · 12/07/2012 22:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

bobbledunk · 12/07/2012 22:25

What a selfish bastard, spends all that money on himself and doesn't even give you enough for a haircut and 'jokes' about you spending a whopping £6 on a top. He's not taking care of you, you'd be better off on your own.

charlearose · 13/07/2012 00:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Krumbum · 13/07/2012 04:22

So he gives you pocket money? Thats insane. Do you not have access to the bank account? You bloody well should do. You shoukd be able to spend how you see fit for you and your son. You are an adult. Get another card and tell him to treat you with some respect.

PSG1968 · 13/07/2012 07:06

I used to be married hence USED TO!!! a right toss bag who was like that..
its demeaning its not a joke and its not funny you are not a member of staff!! You are his wife you have his children you do not pay "wages" to a mother!!
I know its scary but if he continues this is a form of abuse and should not be carrying on even in JEST saying he is only joking is a feeble excuse if its not funny it is not a joke. you have to confront him get a job or leave.
I hope your are ok i know its hard xx

bragmatic · 13/07/2012 07:09

Jesus wept.

You can't afford a haircut?

mathanxiety · 13/07/2012 07:18

Ask him straight up what his problem is next time he makes a remark like that.

Bill him for your services to the family. Tell him he pays or you stop doing anything more than strictly necessary for you and for the DC.

Seriously, this is no way for a grown up to have to live her life.
You are a victim of financial and emotional abuse.

kim147 · 13/07/2012 07:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Chandon · 13/07/2012 07:30

don't make jokes or play games.

Have a sit down and a proper talk.

So tell him that if he has a problem with you not working, to organise childcare and you'll go back to work. If you both prefer you being at home, then something ahs to change. First of all, scarp the allowance and start a joint account, for bills, hols, food etc. Then figure out how much each of you can have in your own account for nights out with mates/clothes/gadgets etc. this amount better be the same.

Thirdly, "jokes" that put you in your place are unacceptable. If he has a problem with you not earning, work out how you are going back to work, make sure he is EQUALLY responsible for childcare!

If you accept this behaviour, things will not end well.

Sorry, he actually sounds like a shit husband and father. He does not respect you.

Doyouthinktheysaurus · 13/07/2012 08:13

That is so sad op, I am really quite lost for words. I just find it shocking to think of anyone living like that, being given pocket money like a flipping child!!

If you plan to stay with this man, and frankly that wouldn't be my decision, I think for your own sanity and to regain some control you will need to think about going back to work. That may not be what you want to do and I can fully understand why, but surely you can't go on living like that! I know I couldn't.

I have always worked but dh earned a lot more than me when the dses were little as I worked part time. It was neither here nor there, the money coming in was ours. I can't see how you can live any other way.

Subarashii · 13/07/2012 08:23

Why on earth do you stay with him? He is emotionally and financially abusive.

AllPastYears · 13/07/2012 08:50

"We BOTH agreed I would stay home to look after DS, it was very definitely a joint decision."

But why aren't the other issues joint decisions? Why does he get to decide to stay in bed, go and play golf, go out drinking, while you can't afford a haircut or buy a present for your dad? This is all his decision, you are getting no say in the finances.

Morloth · 13/07/2012 09:17

Wow.

Why are you putting up with this?

What sort of work do you do? Can you find a job and ditch the joker?
for?

Morloth · 13/07/2012 09:19

Not sure what happened there.

It should have read:

What, when you get right down to it, is he for?

NurseBernard · 13/07/2012 09:25

Jesus...

There's so much I could say here, but what's the point? You won't take any of it on board. You will whinge about (as you obviously do from time to time, since people recognise you), but you won't do anything about it.

I was a SAHM for a year and we've since moved cities. I'm now working full-time and DH is (temporarily) home full-time with the DC.

Needless to say that under neither of these arrangements did/do we have anything even vaguely resembling the bizarre set-up you have with your 'husband'.

I cannot relate to the rolling over, paws up and panting routine that you have with your 'husband'. It is anathaema to me.

Why are you putting up with this? What do you think will happen if you lay down the law and demand the sort of equal partnership most of us take for granted? Do you think the sky will fall on your head? Do you think your 'husband' will leave you?! Surely that's at least one reason to do it...!

sugarice · 13/07/2012 09:31

He is treating you like a live in member of staff and you're compliant with that. Are you worried that if you try to change your circumstances your marriage will be at risk? Don't be a doormat OP.Ebaying your stuff to pay for your Dad's present is shocking.

ExitPursuedByABear · 13/07/2012 09:40

Do you have separate accounts then?

First step is a joint account in which all the money goes and you both have equal access.

financialwizard · 13/07/2012 10:09

I have an acquaintance that was in this exact position. After a year of meeting me she left him. She had tried going to relate with him and all sorts of other ways to mend their relationship but it was broken beyond repair. In the end she walked. I helped her with council house applications, finances, the while shebang because I was a 'safe house'.

OP do you have a 'safe house' to go where you can start making these sort of applications, if that is what you want. If you don't want to do that then you must at the very least stand up to your husband and tell him you have problems and that you want to resolve them one way or the other. Do not be afraid, there are many many people and companies that will be able to help you.

HipHopOpotomus · 13/07/2012 10:19

How long do you plan going on like this OP?

Because if you don't take any action or talk properly with your H it will probably go on forever or until you crack and leave .....

RichManPoorManBeggarmanThief · 13/07/2012 10:49

Why don't you just sit him down and ask if you can get a joint account? I think before we get to "leave the bastard" you have to at least ask him straight, as just because he hasnt suggested it, doesnt mean that he necessarily would be against it.

When I became a SAHM we worked on the allowance system for a bit as didnt have a JA, but it was an administrative PITA because I was forever having to make big one-off joint purchases (flights, holidays, car insurance etc) or stuff for him (clothes, contact lenses etc) and he was doing 4/5 additional transfers per month and there was also never really a consensus over what was meant to be covered by the allowance so i think at times we both felt a bit like we were getting a bad deal.

I still felt weirdly reticent about asking for the joint account, even though DH has never quibbled over cash. I felt as though it cemented my financial dependence somehow However, reading a lot of these threads (thanks MN) I came round, asked him. He said "yeah, fine". Deal done. Everyone happy.

Just ask him direct.

bowerbird · 13/07/2012 12:34

I'm with Nurse.

ThymeLord · 13/07/2012 14:00

I second everything Nurse said.

Why are you allowing him to continue behaving like this? I cannot get my head around it and you won't answer anybody who asks you WHY you let him get away with it.

BoulevardOfBrokenSleep · 13/07/2012 14:18

I realise it's frustrating to see a fellow mum being treated in such a shitty way, but not sure it helps to have a go at her about it?

Perhaps her parents' relationship was like this? Perhaps something has massively knocked her confidence in the past and made her unsure about standing up for herself?..or 1001 other reasons.

But coming to realise how unfair her husband's treatment of her is, is a good first step. Don't you think?

Sallyingforth · 13/07/2012 15:02

I think the very fact that the OP has posted here shows that she knows it's unfair. The next step should be to tell him, not ask him, that things are going to change.

Something like "This shit stops now. If you and I are to continue living together, from today we will be sharing everything."

wineandroses · 13/07/2012 15:45

I totally agree with nurse. Op you are getting the same responses here as you did on your previous posts about your twat of a husband. But you don't seem to take on board any of the comments. Why post then?

I know that making big changes in an abusive marriage must be very hard (and make no mistake, he is abusing you), but FGS find some self-respect. You know you're being badly treated, and you're letting the twat get away with it.

I find posts like this incredibly frustrating. The only person who can change your situation is you, but I doubt that will happen, and then you'll post something else in a few weeks about him, you'll get the same responses and you'll do nothing.

You do realise, don't you, that your children will grow up believing that it's ok to treat you, and other women, like this?

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