To not find this amusing? (I know I am not, just want to whinge)

[fullofregrets]

Ok, so I am a sahm. Obviously financially dependant on dh. Dh earns a reasonable amount (quite a lot more than national average - not a stealth boast a, only mentioning it to show it isnt like he is struggling for money himself) and gives me some money each month. However, he seems to think that everything is 'his' money and questions what I spend. And makes little jokes which are not funny.
Today I was wearing a new top (tesco,£6) and he asked if it was new. When I said yes, he replied 'I must be paying you too much, I'll have to cut your wages.'
Oh how I laughed. This from a man who spent 200 on a night out the weekend before last and more than that on three designer t shirts last month. I rarely buy anything for myself, and if I do it is from tesco, Asda etc. I haven't had my haircut for over a year and rarely go out. I spend 'my' money on ds, food, petrol, a couple of bills and family and friends' birthday or Christmas presents.
It isn't funny is it? He says it like a joke but I feel he does mean it on some level. He has made similar comments before such as 'bathrooms not cleaned today? I'll have to cut your wages.'

'I must be paying you too much, I'll have to cut your wages.'

I think he was being ironic. What he meant was that obviously he'd have been more than happy for you to spend 10 times that much on a new top :)

YANBU, he's being a knob and needs to be told. It really affects my self esteem that I don't earn any money and even if I did could never bring in anything like what DH does. DH however is constantly reminding me of all the important work I'm doing at home looking after DD and cooking dinner for us all and how he couldn't hold down the big stressful job without me to back him up. This is what your DH should be doing, tell him so.

I too would bill him.

Work out how much ft nursery would be, and a cleaner, and a cook, and present him with an invoice at the end of the month. Seriously.

I told a friend to do this and she laughed, she said only I would think of something like that. But she did tell her DP how much she expected to be 'paid' and things have now changed

OP stop being such a drip! Yes your husband is a knob, as previous posters have commented, but you have allowed this situation to stand. Grow a backbone and FFS stop being such a martyr. If your husband earns good money, there's no reason for you "never to go out" or to only buy clothes at Tesco. And why are the childrens' expenses coming out of your allowance? Ridiculous and stupid.

Now I've got that off my chest, let me give you a hug. I don't mean to be so sharp, but really darling, this is not just about a top, or an unfunny "joke". This is about YOU, your woeful lack of self-esteem and your feeling of powerlessness. You are clearly an intelligent, generous woman (probably very attractive too, if you dare to wear stuff from Tesco), who's lost her mojo.

Here's what you do: get rid of the kids for a few hours - don't care what you have to do - trade off with a friend, dump them with a CM, relative, whatever. Now, you take a deep breath and put on something nice and go out to a lovely cafe and have something that gives you pleasure - some coffee and a piece of cake, perhaps, or a glass of wine and a bowl of olives. Take a notebook and a pen. And think about, and write down what you want (you may find you wish to remain a SAHM, or you may find that you want to end this arrangement) from life, from your husband, and most of all FROM YOURSELF.

you should have equal amounts of spare money each month

We've always had a jpint account and shared money, but when i first became a sahm, dh had a similar attitude 'i work all day while you spend my money' blah blah. Pissed me right off. So out of the blue one day ( not after one of these arguments) I started talking about I wanted to go back to work, missed earning my own money. But that HE would have to sort it with his work to do half the nursery pickups, and he'd do half the housework, childcare etc.

That shut him up. He's utterly respectful of my role now :)

Why the fuck do you tolerate such crap?
'Our children' = 'our money' IMHO.

OP, of you're still out there, I'm in a similar financial situation - gave up my job as childcare plus transport is more than my salary. DH and I still have separate accounts, and he gives me a small amount a week for incidentals. My phone bill and any purchases etc are slowly wearing down my very small savings.... He has also said frequently that his money is his, not ours.

....But my DH does all the cooking, all the food shopping, and always pays for any extra costs DS incurs (swimming fees etc).

However, having read a few threads on here lately, we discussed how the current setup isn't really fair, and this weekend we're changing his a/c into a joint a/c. This is partly happening because he's a spendthrift and I'm better at budgeting - he'll sometimes tell me we're broke, yet as I have no access to his accounts I've no idea how! So, the change is looooong overdue.

Can you talk to your DH about this now, having read all the advice on this thread?

What do you say to him when he says that? No-one would ever say that twice to me.

If it were me, I'd wait until he next made a comment and then pretend to take it all serious ...

Say you're worried he doesn't earn enough, you can't afford to get your hair cut, buy new clothes etc...

No point going to work during the week, as childcare costs would swallow up your wage. So you've had a chat with the local corner shop / pub / whatever, and you can get some hours working around his shifts - weekends / evenings whatever.

So you're more than happy to do the work during the week, but at weekends you expect him to manage the house / children etc - lay our exactly what you'd expect him to do and the watch him back peddle like mad

Love it bowerbird. OP, did you decide together who would continue to work and who would stay at home to look after the children? Your DH sounds as though he is letting the 'power' of being the wage earner get to him with these little digs and jokes. it is a shame you even have to excuse what you buy by saying it's from Tesco, Asda etc. And the fact that you've stated that you're financially dependent on him in your first sentence. The balance is all wrong. Why does he even give you an 'amount' each month??

What would he say if you did what MrsLetch suggests? I really think you should suggest you get a job as it's ruining your self esteem by being dependent on him.

Where's OP gone?

barefoot, and chained to the kitchensink earning her wages probably.

Its not funny OP and its an all too easy situation to get into.

Being financially dependent and underappreciated will knock anyones confidence. Please speak to your husband and if he won't listen then you should start thinking how you can protect yourself in this relationship.

Its not a nice dynamic - please do tell him that he is putting you down by making 'jokes' like that and you should have access to bank accounts / money

I'm still here!
I can't just go out and get a haircut etc as suggested because I literally have no money to do so! If I put it on a credit card how would I pay it off?

We BOTH agreed I would stay home to look after DS, it was very definitely a joint decision. Dh plays golf every Saturday and stays in bed until noon every Sunday so I dont really get much break.
When we looked at finances when I gave up work in theory we split leftover income after bills. But out of mine comes phone bill (dh has company phone), car insurance and petrol and road tax (dh has company car and fuel card), some food (rest of food comes out of budget not dh's free income), any presents we buy and everything for ds. Plus dh has had at least two pay rises since then (that I know of) but 'my' money has stayed the same.

I suppose I find it difficult because in a way I feel that I have the better end of the realm I'd rather stay at home with ds than work 50 hours a week like dh. He does work hard. I find it hard to ask for money when I'm used to having my own money.

I don't know how easy it would be to find a job, I was hoping to volunteer when ds starts nursery to make me more employable. But obviously that won't pay anything.

deal not realm!

You need to revisit your arrangement - if he's had pay rises then a bigger proportion needs to go to your personal money. ReaLly, how will this get any better? Does he know you feel you don't have enough for a haircut?

Why on earth do shoes for the kids not come out of joint money?

He probably doesn't think about it. Dh does not have much idea how much stuff costs unless it is golf or alcohol related.

This month I have sold some of my much loved items on eBay to buy my dad (it is a significant birthday) something nice for his birthday. I can't think about it too much else it makes me cry, but my dad has been so good to me I wanted to get him something nice. It was only about 50 so not a huge amount but obviously I couldn't have afforded anything otherwise.

Why does stuff for DS come out of your allowance only?

This Sunday, go out somewhere in the morning and leave your DS with him. Go on.

I had this for ages with DH. He thought he was being funny. It made me feel like absolute shite. Calmly explaining why what he was doing was inappropriate and how hurtful I found it didn't work. The spectacular meltdown did .

Shitting hell that's actually worse than I thought, your a sahm and you have a car - that is a household expense food- again household and pretty much every thing else you mention should be household and I don't give a flying fuck if he gets one provided by work or not there perks designed to be used approx 10% of there total use for personal use.I will let the phone thing slide unless it's a landline but if it's a personal mobile fair do's. Seriously op this is not on it's not acceptable you are being taken advantage of.

I can not understand men who do this it's abusive and IMHO any man who acts like this is not worthy to be called a man, fucking cunt would be more apt.
You are bringing up his child caring for his home that is WORK,if you didn't do that he would have to hire people so you save him money that's a more than valid contribution to your joint life,if you were an employee he would get prossicuted.
He is controling you by not treating you fairly he is controling you by limiting your ability to access services,I'm sorry but he is a pisspoor excuse for a human being.

Fwiw I work so earn my own money but if I had someone in my life who took care of my home and children because of love I would practicly worship them I would make sure they knew that I understood that I can only earn my money because of them I would bust a gut to put there needs above my own I would make sure they never felt undervalued or scruffy or wanting because they didn't have as much money as me.I would make sure they got a stress free day when ever I was able to take over kids ect.as it happens I have to pay people to do all those things for me it costs a fucking fortune and if I surgested either my childminder or cleaner shag me when I fancyed a bit I would expect them to punch me.
Op you would probably be far better off leaving him and getting a minimum wage 16 hour a week job they would value you more and he would have to give you 15% of his income