To not find this amusing? (I know I am not, just want to whinge)

[fullofregrets]

Ok, so I am a sahm. Obviously financially dependant on dh. Dh earns a reasonable amount (quite a lot more than national average - not a stealth boast a, only mentioning it to show it isnt like he is struggling for money himself) and gives me some money each month. However, he seems to think that everything is 'his' money and questions what I spend. And makes little jokes which are not funny.
Today I was wearing a new top (tesco,£6) and he asked if it was new. When I said yes, he replied 'I must be paying you too much, I'll have to cut your wages.'
Oh how I laughed. This from a man who spent 200 on a night out the weekend before last and more than that on three designer t shirts last month. I rarely buy anything for myself, and if I do it is from tesco, Asda etc. I haven't had my haircut for over a year and rarely go out. I spend 'my' money on ds, food, petrol, a couple of bills and family and friends' birthday or Christmas presents.
It isn't funny is it? He says it like a joke but I feel he does mean it on some level. He has made similar comments before such as 'bathrooms not cleaned today? I'll have to cut your wages.'

Talk to bhim - its not fair that you have to sell your stuff when there is money for £200 benders and golfing.

The sooner you say / do something the better.

Do you have your own account? Symbolically even a little put away for yourself gives you a bit more independence. You shouldn't have to ask for cash and scrimp and save - your family finances should be transparent and accessible to both of you.

If your H doesn't realise the unfairness of the situation you've got to tell him - he is being mean and insensitive at best.

That would piss me off, I'd have to saying

raising children is the hardest most thankless task you will ever embark,
going weeks on end without sleep, anytime to yourself at all is nowhere comparable to a 9-5 job,

A lot of older mothers will tell you they go to work for a rest, anyone who thinks being a SAHM means lazy slave is a complete moron.

Grrr. Use your 'allowance' to hire a cleaner (a secret one) and go out for coffee all day!
I have also been accused of doing sod all all day (whilst looking after a 9 month old). The pricks eh!!

Get your facts straight before you tackle him.

Make a note of all the things you've had to pay for out of your limited funds.

Do you know how much he actually earns now? Do you see the statements? If not, can you remember how much his pay rises used to be and how much he used to take home?

Set it all out on a page. Four columns - two for you (item and cost) and two for him (item and cost.) At the top put down how much comes into your account in a month and how much comes into his.

Then calculate it to show what's left.

Speak to him calmly about his attitude (which is disgusting, btw) and tell him if that doesn't stop immediately you will leave him. Say it and mean it. He is a disgrace.

BTW a fifty hour week isn't bad if you're not doing anything at home and you have a day of golf and a lie in until lunchtime! He's hardly working down the mines, is he?

When I was a SAHM, I was given 'housekeeping' money. That was for food, children's clothes, extra for school,coke, gifts for others, milkman, bus fares etc. If I wanted something new to my wardrobe, I usually bought second hand clothes except when we went to a wedding once. We all went out on a Saturday to buy something for me to wear and I bought a lovely outfit with matching sandals. When I looked at another garment, my X'D'H told me that I didn't need it because I didn't go to work. My lovely outfit for the wedding cost £11 it was cheap for those days when I should have had something for at least £20 in 1972. It took me another 21 years ...........

He sounds like a right catch car and phone and anything for dcs should count as "bills" surely? Op I think you really need to sort this out pronto because it's not going to get any better. I'm not even going to start on how he is taking the piss re the weekends either.

It's ridiculous that anyone should live like this in 2012. I was a child in the 1950s and my parents had a similar arrangement, which is why I wouldn't accept it for myself. It was so demeaning for my Mum.

DH and I have always works things this way:

I was a SAHM until the DSs started school. All of our money was in a joint account and we paid exactly the same into personal accounts for our "pocket" money. All family expenses came from the joint account and only fairly frivolous stuff was paid for from our personal money.

When I went back to work part time, my salary also went into the joint account. Then suddenly, DH lost his job and had to retire with ill health. I then got a full time job and have been working like this now for nearly twenty years with DH at home.

Ask your DH this, OP. If he were to have a serious accident tomorrow and could never work again, would your salary become your money? Would you give him a small allowance that he would have to use to pay for your DCs? Would he have to scrimp to save up for clothes? Whilst expecting him to do everything in the home and look after your DC?

It is shamefull that anyone should treat their partner like this in this day and age!

When it was your father's birthday, what would've happened if you'd sat down with dh and said "I'd like to get dad ... for his birthday, can you pay for that on your card/give me £50 for that?". Do you think he'd have said no, or do you just not feel entitled to ask?

I didn't feel entitled to ask. But I think he wouldn't have been thrilled about the idea.
And sometimes he has said he will pay for something or give me the money and hasn't and do I don't like to take his word anyway.

You need to tackle this.

I wouldn't think it was worth living with someone in this situation. I'm not saying 'leave him' (though I'd be considering it myself) but I am saying 'deal with it now.'

Do it this weekend. Email him if you have to. Send him a spreadsheet attachment. Just make sure you get your figures straight.

He's living like a Victorian and it's not fair. He should be ashamed of himself.

Oh come on fullofregrets, read back over your posts, can you see how you are letting him demean you. If you don't grow a back bone and give him an ear full over this then he will continue being a dick while you silently seethe.

As for him always getting a lie in til noon, well that's great as long as you get one as well, there are two days in the weekend so make sure you get yours.

Come on bring out your inner bitch and let him have it, he has more then earned it.

Tell him to fuck off to the far side of fuck until he can learn himself some manners. He can stay there until he sees you as a partner and an equal, rather than a 'drain' on his finances.

Seriously, you need to stress to him that this behaviour is not on. He needs to respect you more and not make you feel like shit while he is flaunting 'his' cash.

Please don't put up with this.

You are entitled you know.
You really do need easier access to money, a card in your name for instance. Or one day you'll have easy access via a maintenance arangement, if other posters' experiences are anything to go on.

The things you list as coming out of your budget are many things I consider to be 'family' expenses, eg car insurance, road tax, anything for DS, all food, and all presents. Maybe the phone bill and petrol could be regarded as your expenses as you can to a degree control expenditure.

Your spending money should be for day to day things like coffee with friends, not essential bills like car insurance!

Also, your comment about him going off to play golf every Saturday and lie-ins every Sunday is very telling... When does he have family time or sole charge of his son?

I'm not trying to attack you here, just show you how it looks to an outsider, it helped when my sister did this for me and DH and I are going to the bank this weekend now to change our accounts around.

He never has sole charge of our son.

No, petrol shouldn't be her expense! She uses her car to take the children out. He uses his free of charge and takes the kids nowhere - why should she have to pay for petrol out of her own money?

What do you think he would say if you tackled him about it, OP?

Has he ever looked after your son on his own?

Honestly I thin you need to have a serious think about what you want out of this relationship and get it sorted - I'm not crying leave the bastard, I mean getting some ground rules in place. There is no way I would be prepared to live like that.

ah this is the guy who does his own thing on the weekends and takes your DS to his mother every Sunday leaving you at home isn't he?

This guy needs a kick up the arse and so does his mother (if I recall correctly).

They treat you like the childminder to the heir to the throne.

I will try to think of something constructive to say very soon!

OK this might not be the done thing, but this is what you said on another thread:

DS has never slept through the night since born and DH has never once given me a night off or a lie in even in the early days after I'd had a c section.
Also DH never does anything with DS apart from take him to mil. He's never taken him swimming or to that park or anything. On the rare occasion I go out in the evening I have to wait for DS to go to sleep first as DH won't 'babysit.' If I ever complain DH says 'ok, we'll swap. You go out and work and I'll stay at home all day.'

I think you will have an uphill job trying to change this man, but I think you have to try. To be brutally honest, in your position I would have it out with him and if it didn't have any effect, I'd leave him. You never see him now. You are financially abused. He could continue to see his child as he does now - it could be years before your son realised his dad didn't actually live there any more. I am furious on your behalf!

That's not babysitting part is disgraceful he obviously doesn't want to be a father,

and you cannot 'babysit' you're own children.

It's a very sad situation, you and your son seem to have no impact on his lifestyle whatsoever. Like Imperial says, he may as well live elsewhere already.

If you do have 'the chat' with him, you'll need to give examples of how others in the same situation run their family finances, maybe ask your friends how they organise theirs too.

If he reckons he can't see the unfairness of the situation he's a control freak, and unless you want to live like this the rest of your life, that needs to be confronted. Easy for me to say, I know...

Baby sitting = looking after a child that is not yours and getting paid,
it's not putting your own child to bed.

Op you are a single parent and you haven't sussed that yet bugger that your worse off than a single parent because you have the adition of an adult treating you like crap and no control over anything yourself . At least single parents get to control there own money