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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not find this amusing? (I know I am not, just want to whinge)

160 replies

fullofregrets · 09/07/2012 20:26

Ok, so I am a sahm. Obviously financially dependant on dh. Dh earns a reasonable amount (quite a lot more than national average - not a stealth boast a, only mentioning it to show it isnt like he is struggling for money himself) and gives me some money each month. However, he seems to think that everything is 'his' money and questions what I spend. And makes little jokes which are not funny.
Today I was wearing a new top (tesco,£6) and he asked if it was new. When I said yes, he replied 'I must be paying you too much, I'll have to cut your wages.'
Oh how I laughed. This from a man who spent 200 on a night out the weekend before last and more than that on three designer t shirts last month. I rarely buy anything for myself, and if I do it is from tesco, Asda etc. I haven't had my haircut for over a year and rarely go out. I spend 'my' money on ds, food, petrol, a couple of bills and family and friends' birthday or Christmas presents.
It isn't funny is it? He says it like a joke but I feel he does mean it on some level. He has made similar comments before such as 'bathrooms not cleaned today? I'll have to cut your wages.'

OP posts:
Sallyingforth · 09/07/2012 22:49

Show the miserable bastard this thread!
The two or you are in a partnership. That means you share everything.
You both work hard and you are both entitled to the proceeds.

Next time he 'jokes' about paying you wages, tell him that sex workers get paid a lot more than that and you are withdrawing the service.

TheSkiingGardener · 09/07/2012 22:51

Any particular reason you like being treated like a serf? He's a tit, but unfortunately the same could be said for you if you allow him to treat you that way.

HipHopOpotomus · 09/07/2012 23:06

fullofregrets it sounds like there is more going on for you from your chosen username.

There is no way I could live with DP if he had a "sense of humour" like your P. tell him to fuck the fuck off with that stinking attitude.

And please go and spend some money on yourself. Smile

chilled7up · 09/07/2012 23:30

sock Grin

Alibabaandthe40nappies · 09/07/2012 23:32

OP you've posted about this wanker before - does he still bugger off and play golf and leave you with all the childcare at weekends?

Seriously, leave him. He is a cunt to say things like that to you.

AnyFucker · 09/07/2012 23:36

stop martyring yourself

better still, get a job and a divorce

Leogirl73 · 09/07/2012 23:46

My dh would be like this if I was a sahm self , self , self , I returned to work when my dd was 6 weeks old as I couldn't stand his tight ways with money , he does pay the lions share of the bills but he does in a lot more than me , I would get a little job if I were you just to have your own bit of cash , it's so nice to not have to explain a new top etc xx

NovackNGood · 09/07/2012 23:47

Why do you not get a job then you can both pay for the childcare together and then you will have some left over for yourself too?

lovebunny · 10/07/2012 05:52

start taking a full wage for your services. all of them.

Pastabee · 10/07/2012 07:11

I seriously think you should start applying for part time jobs and then sit him down to discuss how you are going to arrange child care between you.

hopenglory · 10/07/2012 07:13

He's an arse, but if you and he remain in his situation I suggest that next time he comments you tell him he needs to start bringing home more money or you'll fire him

HecateHarshPants · 10/07/2012 07:17

I think you need to talk to him. Tell him that you find his attitude towards you demeaning. That the work you do is important, that you are contributing to the family and that he is making you feel like your contribution is without value. So. You will be looking for paid employment, since that is the only work he feels has value. You never want to be in the position of having to justify a £6 top again, or having to snip your own hair over the sink because you don't deserve a proper haircut.

And, obviously, when you do get a paid job, you have no intention of also being the household fairy on top of that - why should you do twice the work he does? So the two of you will have to pay for a cleaner and for childcare and organise a 50/50 split of all domestic duties. And that you think the fairest way of paying for help is to each contribute an equal percentage of your wages.

And then you list what a cleaner is going to cost and what childcare will cost

Oh, and you'll be sending out the ironing, of course. Mustn't forget that.
---
He is mean. Mean. Mean. MEAN. It takes more than bringing in the money to run a family and all things done are of equal importance.

AnyFucker · 10/07/2012 09:17

I hope that when you do what the brilliant Hecate suggests, he apologises profusely for his arrogance and then STFU in future with his snide digs and demeaning attitude

if he doesn't, do what I said upthread

Buttwart · 10/07/2012 09:21

This from a man who spent 200 on a night out the weekend before last and more than that on three designer t shirts last month

If he does this as a couple you can afford a decent lifestyle for you too - including nights out and haircuts. This man is an utter cunt. Nothing he does can make up for treating you like a poorly paid skivvy and nursemaid.

Fisharefriendsnotfood · 10/07/2012 09:24

I'm a sahm. Before meeting dh I earned almost as much as him, I haven't had a wage in five years. Dh does not 'give' me money. We have a joint account. I spend what I need to, as does he. We both consult on big purchases. If he ever made a comment like that I'd cut his bollocks off Angry

larrygrylls · 10/07/2012 09:28

I never quite get these posts (have not read all of the above so maybe it is explained). Why don't you renegotiate the deal so that you have roughly the same amount to spend? Either via a joint account or an allowance which roughly splits the disposable income?

I basically have all the money in our house but I asked my wife what allowance she wanted just for her own personal spending. All family things go on my credit card of which she has a second card. She likes the idea of a monthly allowance although I know others would prefer a joint account.

I am not sure why anyone would want their partner/spouse to live a different lifestyle to their own, or why anyone would tolerate living it.

Just sit your husband down, make sure household expenses come out of a joint account/are paid jointly and then demand an allowance which reflects an equal lifestyle. How could he legitimately object or expect you to stay in a marriage where you are treated as a second class member of the family?

Ephiny · 10/07/2012 09:34

What everyone else said. Those jokes are not funny given the context, and the arrangement of him 'giving' you money doesn't sound right either. Especially as 'his' money is for spending on nights out and designer clothes, and yours is for food and bills.

eurochick · 10/07/2012 09:41

What an utter nobhead.

Those comments were demeaning. Show him this thread. Then sort out new financial arrangements.

DrowninginDuplo · 10/07/2012 09:45

Money is joint. If he refuses to see that then bill him. So you will need full time nanny wage, full time house keeper wage and mark up overtime for the weekend. Note that this is your wage for work done not for spending on the house or children. Anything like bills, presents, clothes food etc should come out of "his money" on top of your wage. See how the fucker likes that.

DrowninginDuplo · 10/07/2012 09:48

P.s. I'm a sahm, money is joint. We spend what we need to, we both consult on big purchases. I respect that he goes out and brings in the bacon and he very much respects that I keep the ship afloat and answer a million whys? a day without throttling the little darlings.

worldgonecrazy · 10/07/2012 09:53

Is this just about the money, or is it about the dynamics of the relationship? Is he just looking for ways to put you down and he knows this is one of your triggers?

DH kept making jokes about him 'giving' me his card to pay for the food or clothes shopping (because my account pays all the direct debits and bills with not much left over so we use his account for everday purchases). He didn't realise how belittled I felt by his comments and stopped when he realised.

Shullbit · 10/07/2012 10:00

What Whereyouleftit said.

I am a SAHM. DP's wages, and Child Benefit go into a joint account. If anything, it is me who has the control as I pay the bills, do the food shop, buy any clothes that are needed, then I will tell DP what is left and we decide together what it gets spent on IE "Is there anything you want?", "Not really. Could do with an hair cut though." "Well book yourself in, treat yourself to your nails done as well. The lads are meeting up for a few drinks the weekend for xxx birthday so that'll be my treat." We share the remainder between us, and the DC and rightly so.

Your DH sounds like a controlling knob.

larrygrylls · 10/07/2012 10:05

World,

I think that it is natural (although wrong) to think that if one is earning the money, it is "your" money and anything that goes out of the account is being "given" by you to someone else.

Money is always a sensitive subject and that is why it is really important to have a calm conversation about it before getting aggressive. Some people prefer joint accounts, some prefer an allowance and there is no correct solution, as long as the ultimate distribution is roughly fair. I think that when one partner gives up work to have children, this is a really important conversation to have ahead of time (even ahead of getting married if one is farsighted enough).

I think the OP needs to write down the family/household needs and her needs and her husband needs to do the same. Clearly if the OP is buying £6 T shirts and her husband £60 T shirts, something is wrong. Then they can have a calm discussion over whether these needs can be met and the best mechanism to do so. The OP needs to clearly explain that a marriage cannot work without both parties putting roughly the same in and getting roughly the same out. I know it may seem obvious but that is not necessarily so, especially if something has become a habit.

GlassofRose · 10/07/2012 10:10

Perhaps find yourself a part time job so that you can tell him where to stick it?

I once had a boyfriend who I was reliant on (he wanted some sort of house wife in training) when I put a face wash in the trolley in the shopping market, he took it out and said "we don't need that" - never relied on a man since.