Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not find this amusing? (I know I am not, just want to whinge)

160 replies

fullofregrets · 09/07/2012 20:26

Ok, so I am a sahm. Obviously financially dependant on dh. Dh earns a reasonable amount (quite a lot more than national average - not a stealth boast a, only mentioning it to show it isnt like he is struggling for money himself) and gives me some money each month. However, he seems to think that everything is 'his' money and questions what I spend. And makes little jokes which are not funny.
Today I was wearing a new top (tesco,£6) and he asked if it was new. When I said yes, he replied 'I must be paying you too much, I'll have to cut your wages.'
Oh how I laughed. This from a man who spent 200 on a night out the weekend before last and more than that on three designer t shirts last month. I rarely buy anything for myself, and if I do it is from tesco, Asda etc. I haven't had my haircut for over a year and rarely go out. I spend 'my' money on ds, food, petrol, a couple of bills and family and friends' birthday or Christmas presents.
It isn't funny is it? He says it like a joke but I feel he does mean it on some level. He has made similar comments before such as 'bathrooms not cleaned today? I'll have to cut your wages.'

OP posts:
ReindeerBollocks · 09/07/2012 20:57

I did bill DH on the one occasion he said something, it added up to quite a bit over three years! (and I have my own money anyway).

You know there is an imbalance in the equilibrium of your relationship. It's up to you how you sort it, either tell him to pay for childcare whilst you earn 'your' money , or it's shared money, especially if you staying at home is a joint decision.

Btw why would you be paying childcare, if you earnt less money? Surely if DH is earning a fair bit, then it would be a pooling of finances and working out how you would go back to work, not just an assumed deduction from your wages, that is if you want to work.

Vickles · 09/07/2012 21:00

Tell him to 'fuck off, you patronising fuck'....
This treatment of you needs to be nipped in the bud lovely.
There's some brilliantly witty women on here who can help you with a fantastic reply.. Sarcastic and patronising. I'm not really witty enough to think of anything else other than what I said up above.
Seriously, you need to talk, as he is demeaning you, and demeaning what you do. Let us know how you get on.
Cheeky fecker!

HappyJustToBe · 09/07/2012 21:02

YANBU.

I found it hard when I was on maternity leave and not earning anything because DH and I have always kept out finances separate and I was having to ask him for money. He said over and over again that we were a team and it was my looking after DD that was allowing him to work. Now I am back at work we share the childcare costs as it is not my responsibility alone.

I am very sad for you. You are not being treated well at all.

I think Ginger summed it up perfectly for me.

simperingsally · 09/07/2012 21:03

Im a sahm too. And if my dh said something like this to me he's be making his own meals indefinitely.

We do have seperate bank accounts as it was just easier for us we couldn't be arsed when we got married. If I'm running low on funds in my account all I have to do is take the money from his account. I dont believe in this allowance giving. To me it feels like paying the help.

why do you put up with this?

hellhasnofurylikeahungrywoman · 09/07/2012 21:03

Did you remove said top and insert into a place the sun doesn't shine? I know I would've done.

Yama · 09/07/2012 21:05

I wouldn't bill him. That only adds to the dynamic that you are working for him.

Christ, don't know what to suggest. He clearly does not value what you do or see you as an equal.

You are going to have to try to get it through to him just how disrespectful he is being and that you don't want to bring your dc up witnessing this sort of hurtful behaviour. Perhaps write him a letter or an email so that he can't derail what you are trying to say.

WhereYouLeftIt · 09/07/2012 21:08

Why exactly is he 'giving' you money? Why is his salary not paid into a joint account, from which all bills, food, DS's needs are met; with an equal amount of personal pocket money paid into two sole accounts from the joint?

You need to sit down together and have 'the talk'. You are both contributing to this household, your work is internal and his is external, but you are BOTH working and he needs to get a fucking grip or you do, of his balls until he squeals like a hamster.

This is absolutely NOT ON.

squeakytoy · 09/07/2012 21:13

You have 5 choices.

a) bill him an hourly rate for your "wages"

b) get a job

c) tell him that you are his wife, not his employee and as such should have equal access to family income

d) put up with it..

e) leave the bastard

NowThenWreck · 09/07/2012 21:15

YABU to buy clothes from supermarkets. Get a joint credit card and take yourself shopping.

susiedaisy · 09/07/2012 21:18

Cheeky fucker! Who does he think runs the home and cares for his kids when he's at work???

DavidHume · 09/07/2012 21:19

Poor you OP. What a horrible "joke" to be making.
I hope you don't mind me asking, but is your relationship otherwise good with him? It's just that from the way you describe it, your H doesn't do much regard you as his loving partner but more his skivvy. I wonder if he treats you with such disrespect in other areas of your marriage?

It sounds really not on to me and I think you need to think about how you want to deal with it. Your role is equally if not more important that your H's and you shouldn't be second best. You don't have to grin and bear it. He needs to realise he is being an arse otherwise you are going to be unhappy for a long time.

Sorry again.

Parker231 · 09/07/2012 21:20

Why does he "give you money" ? Why don't you just draw it out of the bank as you need it ? Surely as a couple, the money is yours jointly ?

ladyintheradiator · 09/07/2012 21:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Doingthedo · 09/07/2012 21:28

Husband and wife with child together = joint account, there is NO other way I would have it. You should be a partnership, just because you don't go 'out' to 'work' does not mean you should not have access to the 'family' money.

soozeedol · 09/07/2012 21:30

go on strike...let the house fester...his clothes rot...don't be cooking dinner for him...nothing...sell the car and take yourself and Dc off for a break whilst letting him stew in his stupidity....
leave a letter about your terms and expectations and give him a deadline to sort himself out and start behaving respectfully and fairly....
or don't bother and just cut your loses and leave the twonk as perhaps it has gone too far and you need to make it stop...
shocking, disgusting excuse for a man...you won't miss much by the sound of it...he's a fuckwit, self righteous, controlling arse...no good to anyone but himself and a dreadful role model for any child to witness....
good luck and be brave and bold...you can get past this x

soozeedol · 09/07/2012 21:33

just take the bank card from his wallet...do an online shopping for new wardrobe and go have a girlie day and get your hair, nails, etc done...then call a couple of friends and organise a good night out...book a hotel for the night and let him deal with it...

wizzler · 09/07/2012 21:34

I would feed him cheese sandwiches for dinner every night until he questioned it, and then I would say " well you were upset about me spending £6 on a t shirt, I assumed we must be short of cash so i am saving money on the housekeeping so I can afford my haircut ( which I have booked for saturday morning, you can look after the DC )

Alternatively show him this thread

It is not funny.. I work FT and DH is a SAHD... I would NEVER say that to him

Lucyellensmum12345 · 09/07/2012 21:36

Why are people suggesting that the OP "go on strike"? or Bill him for the jobs she does? AFAIK she doesn't work for him! Yes, she works hard, for the family, but she is not his employee! This goes alot deeper than that - he is a control knobweed and must be a mouse of a man if he can only make himself feel good by belittling the mother of his child.

I would tell him in no uncertain terms that he starts to value you, that he involves you in the finances, maybe you should sort the bills out (or hve them all on direct debit) and then anything that is left goes into a pool (joint account) for you both to spend as you need it (this is after housekeeping and essentials such as childrens clothes and paying for groups etc). Maybe an amount for savings if you can afford it. If this doesn't happen, id be seriously considering if this was someone i wanted to spend my life with.

Im like you, i dont buy myself clothes or have my hair cut, but that is simply because there is no spare cash. If there was my DP would want me to spoil myself occasionally and certainly wouldnt have me go without.

Dropdeadfred · 09/07/2012 21:49

I think you need to DIY down with him and calmly tell him how his comments are making you feel. Then ask him if he'd prefer you to work outside the home and put your ds into full time child care? This would mean you would no longer be doing the lions share of household duties too. Ask him if he would like to pay a cleaner too.
If he says no then tell him to stop making you feel the way he dies and equalise the spare cash too!

Dropdeadfred · 09/07/2012 21:50

Also - write down everything to do with your ds that comes out of your 'wages' - suggest that from now on these should be paid on the credit card

ChippingInNeedsCoffee · 09/07/2012 21:54

His comments aside (but for the record he would say that once to me, just once) - why do you go along with this dire 1950's arrangement?! It is awful.

littlebluechair · 09/07/2012 22:00

He's a wanker. When you're raising a family and only one person is working because one person is sahp, its all shared money.

if this is how he treats you, you might as well leave - he can pay maintenance.

This kind of crappy comment would kill all love for me Sad

chilled7up · 09/07/2012 22:32

OP do you like being at home? Do you miss work and having your own money or you're just not happy how he's been treating you?

Don't be at home just because it saves him money. Make sure that you're happy with it as well. It's not for everyone.

I only work part-time. I would miss my DS too much if I was to work full time. My OH has suggested that he would like me to stay at home even if it meant him having to work more, and although we do have two separate bank accounts I carry his debit card with me most of the time and can use it as I like. But I never buy anything for me with it, I like having my own money. He wouldn't mind me using his card to buy stuff for myself, but I always feel that I would have to justify the purchase while if it's with my own money, it's no one else's business.

I'm not suggesting that you should get a job, he is being very unreasonable and disrespectful, what I'm trying to say is that if you don't like using what you see as his money for things like getting your hair done. Then perhaps a part-time job would boost your confidence. Let him pay the childcare bill and share the work around the house, that would teach him a lesson.

If you do like being at home. You need to talk to your OH and explain how you feel. I would demand access to his account or a joint account.

complexnumber · 09/07/2012 22:37

tbh he sounds like a complete plonker.

What do you have in common?

Socknickingpixie · 09/07/2012 22:40

next time you have sex give him a stern look and say "oh dear i shall have to cut your wages"