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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

godparent snub

684 replies

trickychalice · 09/07/2012 17:56

Namechanger here. I know, I know, the most middle class of problems, but tbh I am really quite hurt at the moment and would like a little perspective.

I have 3 ds. The person I have always considered to be my bf had a baby girl a few months ago. We were at school together, went travelling together, have always been a double act. She lives a few hours away. When I had ds1 she was the first to visit at hospital and I made her his godmother before we left hospital. I was her matron of honour.

Her and her dh have always struggled financially - a lot. When I had ds3 I saved all clothes/crib/bugaboo to give her. She was supposed to come and collect it before her baby was born, but for some reason couldn't, so we packed up all ds and drove 4 hours to give it to her (stayed the weekend). I am very sentimental about my stuff, but thought I had given it totally open-heartedly to help my bf. I must admit that I assumed it would be used by a much loved godchild.

Long story short, I have just seen christening photos on fb (she called me at the weekend and didn't mention that her dd was being christened - she knows that I would be hurt about this- hence not telling me) and I see that another friend is godmother. Obviously it is her choice as to who the godparents are - and I know I would be flamed for suggesting otherwise, but I am still v hurt. She rang me just before the baby was born and was v upset shopping for stuff and asked if I could lend her a pram - I rushed ds out of the bugaboo (I know I sound a dick talking about the bugaboo, but its just to show that I gave her quality stuff that I can ill afford and could have sold for some much needed cash) and into a mclaren so that she could have it. It honestly wasn't supposed to be a poisoned chalice, but I don't think she should have asked in the knowledge that I wasn't going to be godparent.

The person she has chosen is a very fun, old friend of hers, but she would be disingenuous to suggest that this friend has been a better friend - trust me I just know she hasn't. I think I am disillusioned that there is so much empire building in these decisions - she has always been slightly in awe of this friend. There are friends that I have been a bit Hmm about not being asked to be godparent to their kids, but I wouldn't have dreamt of saying anything. I am only pointing this out to show that this really does feel different.

I don't really know what I am asking - I know I will be told that I can't possibly dictate who people choose - it is there choice and is made for many different reasons etc, etc, but I guess I need to know if my feelings are valid? Should she have spoken to me and explained things? Mentioned it when she called at the weekend? Not accepted the stuff?

I have drafted an email - short, factual, but stating my hurt and that I don't know if our friendship can recover. This is not meant to be manipulative, but they have a trip planned and I cannot possibly act as if nothing has happened.

Please be gentle - I know that there are far, far more serious problems out there, but this is my small rather humble one for the day. I have namechanged because I am anticipating a slating and am probably a bit ashamed that this has upset me so much.

OP posts:
cocolepew · 10/07/2012 18:09

I admit to have only read parts of the thread but all of the ops posts. To be honest Im not surprised you are hurt. Are you sure this friendship was a 2 way street?

SauvignonBlanche · 10/07/2012 18:11

Have you heard back from her yet?

ajandjjmum · 10/07/2012 18:24

I'd be very hurt too.

And Cherie is clearly fighting because she did exactly the same to her best friend - who luckily for her, has accepted it unquestioningly.

milkymocha · 10/07/2012 18:31

Didnt read the whole thread but i completely understand why you are hurt!
I hope you can talk it through with your friend.
You can still love her daughter, Godchild or not. I love all my friends babies and spoil them all as well as my godson Smile

Cheriefroufrou · 10/07/2012 18:33

actually I'm not my BFs child's god mum either, and she had hers first. It never once occured to me to step back from her or her child as a result, it didn't hurt because I wasn't expecing it. I'ld never DREAM of challenging it, it just wouldn't occur to me

You shouldn't expect any of these things

I never expected to be BM even though I was quite an obvious choice, If I hadn't been it wouldn't have changed anything.

Being a GM or a BM or a MOH is an honor (and sometimes a PITA Grin), but NOT being a GM or a BM or MOH is not an insult!

FarrowAndBollock · 10/07/2012 18:41

I am confused. Did she reply, leading you to post 'She didn't invite me because it wouldn't have been appropriate in light of the type of christening it was. A few locals, gp and family', or have you assumed that?

She sounds strange OP. What are her reasons for having so few female friends? Does she jeopardise things when people get close? What are her relationships with her mother/rest of family like? That is usually very telling.

Heebiejeebie · 10/07/2012 18:51

I don't know how some of you lot manage to watch a film or read a book without getting totally confused. The friend doesn't know how the OP is feeling about being a godparent or being invited to the christening or the sodding bugaboo because the OP hasn't told her. You know because you read it on here. So it's ridiculous to interpret the friend's actions in light of what the OP has said about her feelings. If the friend does feel embarrassed or guilty, it can only be because she recognises the implicit obligation.

JugglingWithTangentialOranges · 10/07/2012 18:59

My DC's weren't christened and so don't have official godparents - though we did have a small welcome party for them both as babies Smile

I do however have three close friends who don't have children - though two are hoping to - who have become very close to the children as Aunties. One just dropped by this evening as it happens and regularly baby-sits for them. Another is a Quaker like we are, and I call her their Quaker god-mother (though Quakers don't have christenings) We are also close to a couple in the family who had their DC's very close to when we had ours - and I feel they've also taken the DC's and our family under their wing a little. The DC's also have 5 sets of Aunties and Uncles - so choosing godparents from amongst them would have been difficult, and a bit unnecessary too I feel (as they're already Aunties and Uncles)

I feel this is all more natural than choosing god-parents - just allowing people to develop close and nurturing relationships with your child as things evolve - I feel it's enough to be open to the possibilities that other people can bring to your child's life.

I can see why you're upset about things OP, but I think life's too short !
If you'd like to have a close relationship with your friends little girl then I suggest you just do whatever you can to bring that about - forget about any grand titles ! Hope your friendship can survive this upset Smile

Original poster
trickychalice · 10/07/2012 19:15

Maybe in your world cherie. But perhaps you need to concede that your world is very different to mine. I think that is clear.

OP posts:
LurkingAndLearningForNow · 10/07/2012 19:17

Can I ask if it was more of a religious or a cultural baptism? If the latter it makes more sense to me is all.

Original poster
trickychalice · 10/07/2012 19:18

She has replied! Thank you for caring. Out of reception and just got back to a vm and a text. Very very upset to have hurt me. She obviously did realise i was hurt about gp-ship as she says that she chose the gp because she is childless (although newly married so Hmm). Obviously an excuse but I am left in no doubt whatsoever that she cares. Will update more soon. Thanks to the lovelies who have cared and not dismissed my dilemma as petty.

OP posts:
LurkingAndLearningForNow · 10/07/2012 19:20

Choosing a childless Godparent s one of the requirements.

Sounds like she was being more religious than cultural, not making excuses.

Shouldn't have lied though, I hope her answer brings you closure. :)

Original poster
trickychalice · 10/07/2012 19:22

Requirement of whom? No christening I've ever been to! She said she thought gp-ship would make more difference to her...

OP posts:
fedupofnamechanging · 10/07/2012 19:24

I think your 'friend' sounds like a user. You gave her things believing that you had one kind of friendship and she asked for things and took things knowing that she viewed you differently to how you viewed her.

I would back away from this relationship.

Can't believe the hard time you've had here, OP. I reckon anyone in your position would be hurt and anyone who says otherwise is a liar.

TheEnglishWomanInTheAttic · 10/07/2012 19:25

OP has the chosen godmother got children? Some people choose as godparent somebody who would take on their child to bring up as their own should both parents die. Could it be your friend assumes you wouldn't want to take on more children in that circumstance, as you already have 3, and has selected mainly based on that criteria rather than grade of friendship...? Could be especially the case if she plans more children and will give them all the same godmother... Just an idea - my parents chose godmother for my sisters and I on that slightly odd but I guess legitimate criteria.

Don't girls usually have 2 godmothers and 1 godfather, and boys 2 godfathers and 1 godmother? (My kids aren't christened so I am no expert, but I thought that was "traditional").

LurkingAndLearningForNow · 10/07/2012 19:25

www.catholicdoors.com/faq/qu82.htm

^^ Just for interests sake.

My mum told me the child one when I was asked to be godmum to my cousin's three kids, sorry must just be a myth.

TheEnglishWomanInTheAttic · 10/07/2012 19:27

Ooops sorry OP I was interrupted before I pressed post, I see you have answered that she is childless - could be relevant to who is asked to take responsibility for this and any future children if anything happened to her?

DublinMammy · 10/07/2012 19:30

OP I'm so glad she has replied and hasn't tried to dismiss your feelings but instead is sorry to have upset you. Such a relief to get things out in the open and have your feelings of (understandable) hurt acknowledged.

Vickles · 10/07/2012 19:33

I think your friend has handled things badly... And you have every right to be hurt.

However, I do kind of get why she chose the childless couple.

Your friend might have assumed, rightly or wrongly, that with you having 3 kids, you would have your hands full already! I have 3 kids too, and I have no god children, and have been bypassed, like you.

Nothing personal here, as I think you're great... And I am on your side OP. Your friend has treated you unfairly, with no regard for your feelings.

Nanny0gg · 10/07/2012 19:36

I'd still like to hear the excuse as to why the OP wasn't even invited though...

CeliaFate · 10/07/2012 19:37

I understand totally why you're hurt. My friend is my dd's godmother but she chose my sister (also a close friend of hers) and not me to be godmother to her child.

Her choice, but it did make me think she obviously prefers my sister and thinks she'd be the better person for the job which upset me a bit.

It made me rethink our relationship - not that it changed outwardly, but in my head it has.

Cheriefroufrou · 10/07/2012 19:38

Its not a requirement at all, but it is a tradition

my parents chose mine because they didn't have children
my parents have LOADS of GC because they waited till quite old (for them days) to have children, then stopped being asked once they had me

IT HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH WHO GETS THE KIDS IF THE PARENTS DIE I mean do you guys really think that sibling groups are split of and packed off to their individual GPs or what?

OP this reason was suggested to you, and now she has confirmed that there was a reason for her choice, yet you still call it an "excuse", you had obv made up your mind about her motives before emailing and now wont be corrected even by her!

ImperialBlether · 10/07/2012 19:42

Am I the only one left wondering why Cherie and Chub were so angry with the OP? I've never seen such vindictiveness on a thread.

OP, I thought you were being completely reasonable. I wish your friend had told you her decision before the christening. She's handled it very badly and I don't blame you for being upset.

Vickles · 10/07/2012 19:42

Yeah, I agree NannyOgg. The godparent thing has been explained, and I kind of get it. Don't like it, but I get it. People who don't have 3 or more kids, think that those who do have 3 or more kids, like me and the OP, are mad and have our hands full. But, that's not always true.. I have plenty of love and support, physically and spiritally, to give to my friends kids, and I do give it... Despite not being their godparent. I would see it as the biggest honour to be a asked.. And I would take it seriously... But, no one has asked me. Gutted to be honest.

Original poster
trickychalice · 10/07/2012 19:43

The friend who 'can't have children' has been posited thus because they have been trying for a few month. That comes from the horses mouth, so yes, an excuse, but I am still grateful that she cares. Her message was tearful and sincere and I am just planning how to respond now. Have obviously sent a text back to hers thanking her and saying we will chat v soon.

OP posts:
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