godparent snub

[trickychalice]

Namechanger here. I know, I know, the most middle class of problems, but tbh I am really quite hurt at the moment and would like a little perspective.

I have 3 ds. The person I have always considered to be my bf had a baby girl a few months ago. We were at school together, went travelling together, have always been a double act. She lives a few hours away. When I had ds1 she was the first to visit at hospital and I made her his godmother before we left hospital. I was her matron of honour.

Her and her dh have always struggled financially - a lot. When I had ds3 I saved all clothes/crib/bugaboo to give her. She was supposed to come and collect it before her baby was born, but for some reason couldn't, so we packed up all ds and drove 4 hours to give it to her (stayed the weekend). I am very sentimental about my stuff, but thought I had given it totally open-heartedly to help my bf. I must admit that I assumed it would be used by a much loved godchild.

Long story short, I have just seen christening photos on fb (she called me at the weekend and didn't mention that her dd was being christened - she knows that I would be hurt about this- hence not telling me) and I see that another friend is godmother. Obviously it is her choice as to who the godparents are - and I know I would be flamed for suggesting otherwise, but I am still v hurt. She rang me just before the baby was born and was v upset shopping for stuff and asked if I could lend her a pram - I rushed ds out of the bugaboo (I know I sound a dick talking about the bugaboo, but its just to show that I gave her quality stuff that I can ill afford and could have sold for some much needed cash) and into a mclaren so that she could have it. It honestly wasn't supposed to be a poisoned chalice, but I don't think she should have asked in the knowledge that I wasn't going to be godparent.

The person she has chosen is a very fun, old friend of hers, but she would be disingenuous to suggest that this friend has been a better friend - trust me I just know she hasn't. I think I am disillusioned that there is so much empire building in these decisions - she has always been slightly in awe of this friend. There are friends that I have been a bit about not being asked to be godparent to their kids, but I wouldn't have dreamt of saying anything. I am only pointing this out to show that this really does feel different.

I don't really know what I am asking - I know I will be told that I can't possibly dictate who people choose - it is there choice and is made for many different reasons etc, etc, but I guess I need to know if my feelings are valid? Should she have spoken to me and explained things? Mentioned it when she called at the weekend? Not accepted the stuff?

I have drafted an email - short, factual, but stating my hurt and that I don't know if our friendship can recover. This is not meant to be manipulative, but they have a trip planned and I cannot possibly act as if nothing has happened.

Please be gentle - I know that there are far, far more serious problems out there, but this is my small rather humble one for the day. I have namechanged because I am anticipating a slating and am probably a bit ashamed that this has upset me so much.

Hmm, I think I am happy for you OP. Not quite the nice tying up of ends I was hoping for. I think she is still guilty of not inviting to you be gp (fair enough), not inviting you to Christening (fair enough-ish), not telling you about Christening (guilty behaviour).

Not sure that I like that she turns on the taps, sobs a bit and you have totally forgiven her and already texted her AND e-mailed her. Do you think this is what led her to behave like that in the first place - you being so forgiving and lovely to her regardless of what she does? Not trying to pop your happiness, just don't want her to do it to you again. [and bugger you being gp second time round]]

Ha sundae it has taken me until NOW to get through it all

OP I hear where you are coming from but would echo others in that a 20 year friendship is not to be thrown away lightly. Maybe have a bit of distance for a few days / weeks / months but still leave the door open to be close in the future?

I disagree with the posters who say being a godparent has no impact on your relationship with and feelings for a child who is not family. Of course it is a different type of relationship, that is the whole point.

I also think that there seem to be several different interptations of what it means to be a godparent - for some, it is obviously very religious, for others it is about guardianship, for yet others (and this is my take on it) it is hopefully setting up your child with a mentor and grown-up friend who will teach your child, provide a safe place for that child to go when parents just won't do, guide them and hopefully spoil them a little bit along the way.

FWIW I am not a GP to anyone dd1 has one of my best friends & her DH as GP's, but they went the "guardianship" route for their 3 boys, so no reciprocal GP request there. And DD2's godparents are Catholic, so we wouldn't have been eligible (United Church of Canada, practically heathens even according to the good old C of E...!)

Most friends have already finished having their families and I'm v sad at not being a godmother. At least I have a few nephews and nieces to spoil!

Good luck OP, I hope you and your friend can salvage your friendship.

Wow, mammoth post, sorry!!

Cheriefroufrou
I think its sad that you're standing firm OP
If there wasn't a chance of fixing things then it seems a shame to drag it up to me!
She made a bad choice by lying, but being out after ONE STRIKE seems pretty harsh for such a long apparently close friendship
was it really just this one thing?

I don't always agree with Frou frou but I do agree with the above. Don't think it's an unhinged post at all. Giving up on a supposedly incredibly close friendship all because the OP didn't become GM seems a bit .

Wingdefence

I'm sorry for the flaming you've had from certain MNers who will answer to God for their nastiness if they really do consider themselves Christians

Are you for real?

I'm not naive. Our friendship has changed and I'm not thrilled about things now. And I do feel a bit at being lined up for as-yet unconcieved dc2.

But I am not entirely giving up on it. As I have said many times. I'm wary and will protect myself.

I think you're doing the right thing keeping your options open. Sleep on it, for as many nights as you need to. I would keep a distance for now, don't make any effort, let her ponder on things and realise how she has risked losing you as a friend. See how things pan out and what she plans to do, if anything, to make amends to you...

Have just read the link to the requirements of godparents in the Catholic church and am quite shocked how strict and old-fashioned they are - how they make normal things sound bad - can't be a god-parent if you use contraception, live with your partner, or have married a non-catholic and think your children should decide their faith for themselves when they grow up.
Basically seems they want women to have as many children as poss and bring them all up as Catholics ! (Is that unfair ? )

You don't want that either, to be made gp out of being sorry for what she did. Hopefully now if she were to have another dc she might handle things a bit better, but don't expect to be gp or you might be in for some upset

I think it simply has come down to your friend not invest the christening with the significance you would. You have see the role of gp as having meaning; she maybe less so and possibly a way of advancing another friendship, but probably not as consciously calculated as that. The fact that the attendees consisted of immediately family/whoever was around would seem to confirm that. Maybe a conversation ensued where it was "are you inviting TrickyChalice, as if so then I should really invite X, Y, Z" and it was all too much effort?

Or maybe, as you are already a GP to her child, she thought she ought to ask someone else. People really do vaguely think if you were to die the GP steps in, and maybe they thought to range across a group of friends.

The friendship you describe, before this, wasn't evenly balanced, but that is the nature of friendships and the different personalities in them. Sounds like you might have discovered a core of thoughtlessness in your friend that has shaken you and changed the way you view it, at least for a while.

You have see the role of GP as having meaning

Juggling - Catholics are pragmatic about these things. They tend to use their conscience and judgement and choose the rules that suit or make sense. They don't just blindly follow the rules or dogma as many non catholics seem to think.

I don't think Cherie is being mean. Frustrated yes, but not mean.

I also happen to agree with most of her points.

This is a depressing thread.

Brb, gotta go do penance and answer to God because I don't agree with OP.

Why depressing? Really am interested how I have transgressed in your eyes. What is it that I have done that is so despicable?

I would take her promises of future gp with a very big pinch of saxa salt, but would expect things to be handled better in the future I.e bei g open and honest to you and not lied to

I think she prob would've made me but I do expect things to be different now.

You can't take her promises seriously anymore really, she needs to earn your trust again

I really can't believe that she is so stupid to think that you would not find out and to be hurt by they way she has dea
T with the whole christening thing

And she acts all shocked and surprised when you e mail her doh yes your close friend is going to be hurt at not being told about your dd christening and being lied to. Though I stand by my view that it is up to her and her dh and he has a say to, who is gp

Tricky

The thread is depressing because it's just a bit of a 'coming of age' thing for me. Never realised this of all things was something people (not just you) get so up in arms about. I didn't need to lose that innocence!

Also, the religion bashing personal attacks on any thread always distress me.

I've already stated my opinion, I don't think you're despicable. I'm not going to throw shit at you just because I don't agree :)

Op I would have been upset too in your shoes. I think on AIBU you have to expect a degree of disagreement, but a couple of people have just relentlessly badgered you and it seems very harsh.

I am GP to two children (now adults) and was miffed at being asked as I am not religious and although saw them as babies, then lived far from both and really wasn't involved in their lives. Feel guilty about this but it seemed daft to send card and dosh to the one child whilst not sending to others in family. Was busy with my own family and didn't feel inclined to visit/support/provide for 2 others as well. With hindsight I should have sent dosh +card up until age 21 or something to appease guilt.(DH was GF but just left it to me)

I think OP's friend is human and may have been impressed by the person she chose for GP and wanted to flatter her by asking. Should have asked longterm friend but as I said is only human. Probably doesn't see GParenting in such an important issue (like me) as the OP. Possibly OP is trying too hard to be bestest friend and perhaps has rushed to help out friend more than was expected by friend. So no one at fault, just different people with different attitudes.

If she promised that you would be gp when she was pg and said this a few times to you than you have every right to be hurt at the false promises, but if she said this once a while ago than you should not. Time passes and people change

Okay have read the whole thread (too much time on my hands!) and now that the thread has turned from a useful and friendly discussion into what seems a full on argument I want my twopenneth!

OP, you are absolutely NBU to feel hurt about not being asked to be GM, and certainly the subterfuge about the christening would have left me, as you, feeling extremely upset and wondering about the friendship. However, this is about you needing to deal with your feelings, not getting your friend to explain herself or apologise, with the exception of the lying by ommission (you sound over-sensitive and an over-thinker - in fact, I think you said this - exactly my personality too so not judging).

On the other hand, you seem to dismiss the possiblilty that any of this has been difficult for your friend, and if your friend were to read this thread I think she would have the right to be hurt by some of the judgements made by other posters after hearing only one side of the story, and by some of the dismissive comments you have made about her personality. Sometimes it comes across as if you don't actually hold her in such high esteem as you claim.

Maybe the friendship has faded somewhat on both sides, not just hers?

I hope you both manage to work out your friendship (to whatever degree) and are able to enjoy happy relationships with each others' children.

Well OP, it sounds like a fairly good outcome and a healthy recognition by your friend of how she has hurt you. Now you have her answer and her apology and it was probably the best you could have hoped for. You have obviously given her a nice reply as well.

Why not just let it lie for a while? She knows she's hurt you: let her make it up to you any way she pleases (I think she may try and be extra nice for a while) and just let things get back to normal. My guess you will feel a lot better about this whole thing in 6 months time, when the disappointment fades a bit. And you will have the comfort of knowing you handled it with dignity and graciousness. As for future GM role in relation to theoretical DC 2, well, if it happens maybe it will help the whole thing come full circle and draw a line under it, if you can forgive the mixed geometry metaphors :) . No reason why DC1 should get the best GPs anyway, right?!