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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

godparent snub

684 replies

trickychalice · 09/07/2012 17:56

Namechanger here. I know, I know, the most middle class of problems, but tbh I am really quite hurt at the moment and would like a little perspective.

I have 3 ds. The person I have always considered to be my bf had a baby girl a few months ago. We were at school together, went travelling together, have always been a double act. She lives a few hours away. When I had ds1 she was the first to visit at hospital and I made her his godmother before we left hospital. I was her matron of honour.

Her and her dh have always struggled financially - a lot. When I had ds3 I saved all clothes/crib/bugaboo to give her. She was supposed to come and collect it before her baby was born, but for some reason couldn't, so we packed up all ds and drove 4 hours to give it to her (stayed the weekend). I am very sentimental about my stuff, but thought I had given it totally open-heartedly to help my bf. I must admit that I assumed it would be used by a much loved godchild.

Long story short, I have just seen christening photos on fb (she called me at the weekend and didn't mention that her dd was being christened - she knows that I would be hurt about this- hence not telling me) and I see that another friend is godmother. Obviously it is her choice as to who the godparents are - and I know I would be flamed for suggesting otherwise, but I am still v hurt. She rang me just before the baby was born and was v upset shopping for stuff and asked if I could lend her a pram - I rushed ds out of the bugaboo (I know I sound a dick talking about the bugaboo, but its just to show that I gave her quality stuff that I can ill afford and could have sold for some much needed cash) and into a mclaren so that she could have it. It honestly wasn't supposed to be a poisoned chalice, but I don't think she should have asked in the knowledge that I wasn't going to be godparent.

The person she has chosen is a very fun, old friend of hers, but she would be disingenuous to suggest that this friend has been a better friend - trust me I just know she hasn't. I think I am disillusioned that there is so much empire building in these decisions - she has always been slightly in awe of this friend. There are friends that I have been a bit Hmm about not being asked to be godparent to their kids, but I wouldn't have dreamt of saying anything. I am only pointing this out to show that this really does feel different.

I don't really know what I am asking - I know I will be told that I can't possibly dictate who people choose - it is there choice and is made for many different reasons etc, etc, but I guess I need to know if my feelings are valid? Should she have spoken to me and explained things? Mentioned it when she called at the weekend? Not accepted the stuff?

I have drafted an email - short, factual, but stating my hurt and that I don't know if our friendship can recover. This is not meant to be manipulative, but they have a trip planned and I cannot possibly act as if nothing has happened.

Please be gentle - I know that there are far, far more serious problems out there, but this is my small rather humble one for the day. I have namechanged because I am anticipating a slating and am probably a bit ashamed that this has upset me so much.

OP posts:
ImperialBlether · 10/07/2012 19:43

Cherie, just give it a fucking rest, will you?

Original poster
trickychalice · 10/07/2012 19:43

Thanks vickers

OP posts:
Vickles · 10/07/2012 19:46

No ImperialBlether. I have been following this thread from the start, and have been disappointed by certain posters repetitive shouty/banging head on wall/stamping foot on soapbox replies. Geez!

Original poster
trickychalice · 10/07/2012 19:46

vickles Blush I am gutted too, as I have a lot of love to give. Cherie and chub motives are a mystery. Interesting seeing the dynamics though. And despite them thinking I am a neurotic mess I actually don't feel remotely upset by them - my skin is a bit thicker than they think.

OP posts:
littleweed10 · 10/07/2012 19:56

I've followed the whole thread, and say once again, cannot believe for one moment that the majority of people in tricky's shoes, wouldn't be upset or hurt by one or more aspects of it. The personal vitriole shown by a few posters put me off posting more, poor op, you didn't deserve it.
I do kind of get the childless gp choice, but as a few posters have just said it is v sad for those with kids who have a lot of love and commitment to give as agp, but overlooked for that reason.
I really hope you get it sorted with your friend op, through all the posts, it has come through to me how much this friendship means.

Cheriefroufrou · 10/07/2012 19:57

I think a lot of times on these threads people think that the only real person with real feelings is the OP, when there are other people behind the scenes who have reel feelings that the OP can hurt!

OP I think you have EXTREMEMLY thick skin, sounds thicker than your friends

So are you still not going to make as much effort with your friend's child as you were going to when you thought you were going to be GP? Has the outcome changed at all?

ifeelloved · 10/07/2012 19:57

Tricky I think you've had some really unfair attention on here. Maybe not everyone has what they feel is that special friend so don't understand where you're coming from.

I had a friend like this and was gutted when I realised that I wasn't as important to her as she was to me. We keep in touch but via Facebook, the friendship did change as I stopped doing what felt like all the running.

Vickles · 10/07/2012 20:00

Honey, things will work out OK. I have a good feeling about it. Thank goodness the two of you are getting your heads together to try and sort this out.

Like other posters have stated their regret for letting good friendships drift and fall apart, BECaUSe they didn't talk about it. You and your friend are already trying to mend things. xxx

Vickles · 10/07/2012 20:06

Cherie, sorry, I think you are biased, as you had your child's christening the other day. You, unlike the OP, have given us no background to your christening and to why you are being so bloody vile to the OP.

I think that you must have had some stress maybe on the build up to yours, and therefore, you are biased. Maybe someone fucked you off by them being upset about not being asked to be a gp? You seem like you're on a mission to hate people who are disappointed about not being asked to be a gp.

littleweed10 · 10/07/2012 20:08

Cherie
Thicker skin? Eh ? In 24 pages of this thread, I have not picked up on this hard thick skinned op ??

I hope on the flip side she has got thicker skin, she's had to develop it with many of the shitty posts.

HeartsTrumpDiamonds · 10/07/2012 20:10

Wow this has moved on since I looked at it this afternoon! Must go back and read.

No wonder I seem to have no time for actual books these days.

Vickles · 10/07/2012 20:12

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by Mumsnet for breaking our Talk Guidelines. Replies may also be deleted.

Cheriefroufrou · 10/07/2012 20:12

Vickles you are thinking of someone else, my child's christening was years ago

DublinMammy · 10/07/2012 20:13

Bloody hell, Cherie, you must get a kick out of being so unpleasant. Why don't you just stop now, you are really making yourself look very, very nasty.

Original poster
trickychalice · 10/07/2012 20:16

Oh cherie you are so utterly single-minded that you can't see the woods for the trees. I haven't done anything that I am ashamed of or that could be perceived as hurtful to her. So I don't think that she is nursing any damaged feelings other than feeling regretful that she hurt a very dear friend. That has been borne out by her communications with me today.

OP posts:
Cheriefroufrou · 10/07/2012 20:17

what? is noone else interested to hear if the OP intends to get back on track now that she has had probably the best response that could be hoped for, or if after all that she's still planning on investing less in the child as it's not a GC?

it's not a nasty question!
Was the email with a view to fix things or just to pull the friend up on it with no chance of the OP changing her stance?

Cheriefroufrou · 10/07/2012 20:18

"So I don't think that she is nursing any damaged feelings"

did you not say she was tearful?

so was it worth making her tearful? (IMO it was if it's with a view to fixing it, not if it was just to let her know you were miffed!)

Original poster
trickychalice · 10/07/2012 20:27

I think I will just go and dignifiedly handle my relationship with her without your help thanks cherie. I feel like I am the suspect in a bad episode of Columbo with your interrogation.

And if you must paraphrase, please try and put it in context. Her damaged feelings relate to feeling sad that she upset me. Hence the tears. Doh!

OP posts:
Cheriefroufrou · 10/07/2012 20:30

damn! hate a thread with no ending/closure Grin (your porogative of course OP, still, I wish we could hear the result!)

Puffinsaresmall · 10/07/2012 20:31

Cherie and Chub - you're both acting in a very vile way to the OP.

OP - We had something vaguely similar, 1 of the 5 friends in our particular group had their 2nd child christened, at each of the christenings before in the group we'd all been invited.

This one we knew nothing about and weren't invited to, fair enough - her choice obviously. BUT, the reason we found out (apart from the later photos on fb Grin ) was because she was looking at pictures of dresses on her phone in front of us with another friend and the other friend (who was invited) said 'that would be perfect for the christening' and she said 'shhhhhhhh!!' and changed the subject completely.

We all wouldn't have minded at all had we simply been told 'Im christening dd, having a small gathering' but the subtefuge was horrible. The 4 of us now don't speak with her at all Sad

DublinMammy · 10/07/2012 20:32

All thanks to you and your endless baiting of the OP, Cherie. Thanks for making sure none of the rest of us get to hear how it all pans out.

Oh, and I think you mean "prerogative"

Vickles · 10/07/2012 20:36

Sorry Cherie, I got you mixed up with Chub... Who was also laying into the OP.
Fair enough to disagree.. CatholicDad posted earlier on the thread, Mon 09-Jul-12 22:21:57, he disagreed, and picked the OP up on a couple of things, but he did it fairly, and non 'attack' style.

I just find your manner 'attack' like Cherie. I'm sure you're not like that in real life, but you come across as very aggressive on the 'page', like you have a personal agenda to stir up trouble. Maybe it's just your way, I don't know.

I hear what you say about sticking up for other people involved, ie the friend. I too agree that there are two sides to every story. But, there's a more pleasanter way to do it.

shergar · 10/07/2012 20:36

OP, has your friend indicated why she didn't mention the small matter of her child's christening when you asked about her plans for the weekend? The whole thing still sounds a very odd, and its very strange not to invite you (GP issue aside). I hope her tears aren't just about being rumbled, and you don't set yourself up for more hurt somewhere down the line. You sound like a generous and very caring friend and I can't help suspecting that you deserve better!

cherie you are one nasty piece of work

Cheriefroufrou · 10/07/2012 20:36

why were you gonna ask DM?

ajandjjmum · 10/07/2012 20:36

tricky
I suggest you blank out Cherie's posts as they are really not constructive, and maybe other posters on the thread might like to do the same.
Sorry Cherie - but you do deserve to be sent to Coventry! Grin

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