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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

godparent snub

684 replies

trickychalice · 09/07/2012 17:56

Namechanger here. I know, I know, the most middle class of problems, but tbh I am really quite hurt at the moment and would like a little perspective.

I have 3 ds. The person I have always considered to be my bf had a baby girl a few months ago. We were at school together, went travelling together, have always been a double act. She lives a few hours away. When I had ds1 she was the first to visit at hospital and I made her his godmother before we left hospital. I was her matron of honour.

Her and her dh have always struggled financially - a lot. When I had ds3 I saved all clothes/crib/bugaboo to give her. She was supposed to come and collect it before her baby was born, but for some reason couldn't, so we packed up all ds and drove 4 hours to give it to her (stayed the weekend). I am very sentimental about my stuff, but thought I had given it totally open-heartedly to help my bf. I must admit that I assumed it would be used by a much loved godchild.

Long story short, I have just seen christening photos on fb (she called me at the weekend and didn't mention that her dd was being christened - she knows that I would be hurt about this- hence not telling me) and I see that another friend is godmother. Obviously it is her choice as to who the godparents are - and I know I would be flamed for suggesting otherwise, but I am still v hurt. She rang me just before the baby was born and was v upset shopping for stuff and asked if I could lend her a pram - I rushed ds out of the bugaboo (I know I sound a dick talking about the bugaboo, but its just to show that I gave her quality stuff that I can ill afford and could have sold for some much needed cash) and into a mclaren so that she could have it. It honestly wasn't supposed to be a poisoned chalice, but I don't think she should have asked in the knowledge that I wasn't going to be godparent.

The person she has chosen is a very fun, old friend of hers, but she would be disingenuous to suggest that this friend has been a better friend - trust me I just know she hasn't. I think I am disillusioned that there is so much empire building in these decisions - she has always been slightly in awe of this friend. There are friends that I have been a bit Hmm about not being asked to be godparent to their kids, but I wouldn't have dreamt of saying anything. I am only pointing this out to show that this really does feel different.

I don't really know what I am asking - I know I will be told that I can't possibly dictate who people choose - it is there choice and is made for many different reasons etc, etc, but I guess I need to know if my feelings are valid? Should she have spoken to me and explained things? Mentioned it when she called at the weekend? Not accepted the stuff?

I have drafted an email - short, factual, but stating my hurt and that I don't know if our friendship can recover. This is not meant to be manipulative, but they have a trip planned and I cannot possibly act as if nothing has happened.

Please be gentle - I know that there are far, far more serious problems out there, but this is my small rather humble one for the day. I have namechanged because I am anticipating a slating and am probably a bit ashamed that this has upset me so much.

OP posts:
Vickles · 10/07/2012 20:37

Puffins, Sad... xx

trickychalice · 10/07/2012 20:41

Oh don't worry I will keep people updated - its so kind of you to care. I will ignore bating posts. Well, I'll try. Wink

puffins Sad indeed. How childish and humiliating. It paints my pal in a much better light. I have emailed her this evening thanking her for her call and text, which, believe me, were heartfelt. I honestly don't think she meant to hurt me and has just been very, very thoughtless. However I also reiterated why I was hurt and that the thing that felt worst was being lied to by ommission. I don't think our friendship will recover its former strength.

She did say that she would've loved me to be gm, but that she will def make me gm for no. 2. Not sure how I feel about this...

OP posts:
Cheriefroufrou · 10/07/2012 20:45

I think its sad that you're standing firm OP
If there wasn't a chance of fixing things then it seems a shame to drag it up to me!
She made a bad choice by lying, but being out after ONE STRIKE seems pretty harsh for such a long apparently close friendship
was it really just this one thing?

gingerpig · 10/07/2012 20:47

oh GOD cherie just leave it!

Cheriefroufrou · 10/07/2012 20:48

what was wrong with that post gingerpig?

lots of people are following this its not just me!

trickychalice · 10/07/2012 20:49

We will still be friends. I have never said we wouldn't. It won't be the same. I do not even feel in control of that. There. That is all.

OP posts:
gingerpig · 10/07/2012 20:54

This - "was it really just this one thing?" you are constantly needling away at the OP. it's tedious

MigratingCoconuts · 10/07/2012 20:54

Op, I hope you do get some sort of resolution for this.

xx

Cheriefroufrou · 10/07/2012 20:54

yeah I did get that you intend to stay some sort of friends

just that NEVER THE SAME AGAIN is.. really final, I appreciate that you can't control how you feel now but is it really necessary to decide now that you'll NEVER be as close again? (because if you do it'll be a self fullfilling prophecy)

MigratingCoconuts · 10/07/2012 20:55

cherie, i think you have actually made your point now, don't you??

FamiliesShareGerms · 10/07/2012 21:03

Tricky, sounds like you're starting to work out where to go from here. Hope you can rebuild your friendship. Ignore some of the less constructive comments - I think you've been pretty dignified throughout this thread, actually

DowagersHump · 10/07/2012 21:04

I have read the whole thread. I'm totally with you OP and can I say that I think you've been enormously calm and considered in the face of a vicious onslaught of twats.

Christians my arse Angry

trickychalice · 10/07/2012 21:15

I'm just a bit embarassed I have managed to string it out for 25 pages Blush.

Perhaps my problems aren't so middle class and boring after all - they seem to have touched a nerve and polarised opinion. Wink

OP posts:
ifeelloved · 10/07/2012 21:17

Yawn

FamiliesShareGerms · 10/07/2012 21:17

Or - we're all middle classed and boring on here :)

WingDefence · 10/07/2012 21:25

Tricky I've read the whole thread (over the course of today - I have had some work to do as well...) and I'm sorry for the flaming you've had from certain MNers who will answer to God for their nastiness if they really do consider themselves Christians

I'm glad you've had a response from your friend and I hope you'll be able to speak soon with her. The only other thing I'd say is just think about the 20 years of friendship you've had with her and try to decide whether one (admittedly very hurtful) mistake/action by your friend should put this whole time in jeopardy. I know you can't help the fact you feel hurt now but please do consider trying to rebuild your friendship.

Take care.

SundaeGirl · 10/07/2012 21:26

OP, were you satisfied with the explanation? Basically, is this as good a response as you could have been hoping for? Also, did she seem surprised you'd called her on it?

Chubfuddler · 10/07/2012 21:29

Goodness gracious. No vickers. No one was upset at not being a god parent and there was no stress whatsoever involved. Projecting, much?

clam · 10/07/2012 21:33

I don't think you've been unreasonable at all. I would have been quietly hurt in your position too. I think you've handled it well and I hope you can move forward and continue your friendship in the way that feels most natural.

VegansTasteBetter · 10/07/2012 21:36

Chubbs and Cherie are coming off as slightly unhinged..

Deadsouls · 10/07/2012 21:38

Only slightly unhinged?!

trickychalice · 10/07/2012 21:43

cherie I can handle. Just weirdly pedantic and tedious. chub was spewing total bile.

sundae yes, best I could've hoped for but reasons for choices whilst not asked for and none of my business a bitHmm

OP posts:
trickychalice · 10/07/2012 21:43

And no, not remotely surprised.

OP posts:
SundaeGirl · 10/07/2012 21:47

Did she seem taken aback you'd brought it up? What did she say about the lying about the date thing?

trickychalice · 10/07/2012 21:56

She kinda flannelled the not mentioning it thing but acknowledged she had been wrong.

OP posts: