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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To 'Manange' time DC's spent with Grandparents

133 replies

Professorwhite · 09/07/2012 08:24

Hi

My PIL absoutely adore our two DC's (DS age 4 and DD 7 months), they recently moved and live 5 mins away. They are their first Grandchildren, their other son is married with no kids - yet!

MIL only works part time and wants to see the kids at least once a week and always texts me weekly asking if I want her to have the kids for 'a couple of hours'. DS loves going there - he has his own decorated bedroom at their house, gets his favourite tea (chicken roast) everytime he goes and has done for the last 2 years, has a whole conservatory full of toys and gets a new toy every visit and has total uniterrupted attention for 2 hours where they hang on every word he says, can interrupt their conversation, gets wrapped in cotton wool.

In essence I think this kind of visit is lovely and what I would expect from a relationship with a grandparent every week/2 weeks - ie getting spoilt. The thing is MIL also constantly asks to:

  • pick DS up 3 times a week when he starts school this year
  • come along to nativity plays/summer fetes
  • have DS for a sleepover every couple of weeks
  • go to watch him at his football sessions every saturday
  • be first call for any babysitting
  • want to know everything about what they are involved in day to day
  • essentially want to bring DC's up themselves!

Am I being unreasonable to 'manage' the time spent with them and to resist these extra request as he is utterly spoilt as I feel that if they spend more time with them they will feel this is the norm? DS is always asking to 'go to Nanny's' and yes I feel a bit 'arggh' about this but of course he wants to go there as its like going to Disney every time.

I am a very independant person and have lived away from my parents since the age of 18 (I am 40). My parents live over 5 hours away and when I had children I didnt think I would feel like I am co-raising them with DP's parents - I find this frustrating and wish PIL's had interests of their own othe than my DC's -

OP posts:
KatherineKavanagh · 09/07/2012 08:27

What ate your dh's views?

overmydeadbody · 09/07/2012 08:28

I think YABU

Let them do all those tihngs they have offered, it all sounds lovely and not something that is going to make your DC spoilt. I tihnk it would be good to have his GPs at school fates, football practice, picking him up from school, it will balance out all the new toys and attention he gets at theri house. .

It is very good for children to have close relationships with people other than their parents. Your son will know it's not the 'norm' for everyone to spoil him, just his granny.

If they are nice, and you get on with them, there is no point putting your foot down and being stubborn just for the sake of it. Take some of the help they are offering!

DeeLinquent · 09/07/2012 08:29

My mum and step dad are the same. I try to use it to my advantage ie if I'm tired or just needing a little bit of retail therapy. They love me saying oh please would u mind watching him. They like to be needed!

Shiftinglard · 09/07/2012 08:30

I think it's nice that he can have a bond with his grandparents.

At least she is asking and not just bulldozing!

FlossieMae · 09/07/2012 08:30

That sounds lovely and I think YABU.
They aren't 'co-raising' your DC, they are being loving Grandparents and I think if it were your parents (rather than your PIL) you wouldn't be posting on here.

PenelopePipPop · 09/07/2012 08:41

YABU. And a leetle irritating from the POV of those of us who do not have any support from extended family nearby. Grandparents who want to be really involved and see lots of your children especially while they are small are completely normal and really really lovely. If spoiling is an issue tackle it separately, but presumably she won't be buying your DS a toy after school 3 times a week.

helenthemadex · 09/07/2012 08:41

they sound lovely to me, the only thing I would ask them not to do is to buy a new toy every time they see him, my parents do this but they only see my dd every few months

Original poster
Professorwhite · 09/07/2012 08:42

My DP agrees that they do give DC's alot of attention and allow things we dont agree with such as 'interrupting', 'new toys' and wrapping DS in cotton wool - big gasps and rush over if he trips over etc. He obviously though is a bit piggy in the middle as he doesnt really like saying anything to his PIL's - he is very easy going and lets most things go over his head (unlike me!) He also wishes his brother would hurry up and have kids so the focus isnt on ours so much.

I agree its nice to have a bond but is seeing your grandchildren for all of the above normal? You would end up seeing each other 3/4 times a week, where do you get 'family time' with just the 4 of us....

OP posts:
ladyintheradiator · 09/07/2012 08:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

squeakytoy · 09/07/2012 08:45

YABU really. Grandparents are not around forever and your son is lucky to have loving ones that he will have great memories of when he is older.

MardyArsedMidlander · 09/07/2012 08:45

I saw my grandparents at least that many times throughout my childhood- and it was/ is my best memories. Knowing that I had that many people who loved me made me feel extra secure. And of course now they are dead- it's even better to have those times to look back on.
Children can never have too many people who love them.

justaboutisnowakiwi · 09/07/2012 08:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Aboutlastnight · 09/07/2012 08:53

Wow, they sound lovely. FWIW I have some very motivated grandparents down the road and now have three children.

My advice as a person further down the road is to remember you cannot be everything to your child and that they have a right to a fulfilling relationship with their grandparents which cannot and should not always be controlled by me.

So I am Hmm at grandpa giving the two eldest Haribo on the way to school... But he also explains to them how things work (ex engineer) and takes exciting routes to school, I am Hmm when granny overreacts when one of DC falls over but she will sit for hours playing games/ jigsaws with them.

It's their relationship and -within the boundaries of common sense -you should let them get on with it. It takes a village...

SkiBumMum · 09/07/2012 08:59

I think I agree with you OP. It does all seem a bit much!

Not clear what your work situation is but if you're at home and able to do school pickup I agree that it is a little odd for them to do the majority every week.

My close friend's ILs come down every week (even the week after they'd spent a 2w holiday together) she finds it a bit suffocating. They don't actually do huge amount with the children when they are here (full length films for a just 3yo etc) so it pisses her off a bit but on the other hand she likes the day off!

My parents live 1.5h away so aren't regular visitors but they (my DM anyway) do love to be invited to plays and shoe buying excursions etc. I plan to take mum to school uniform shop Grin. It's a good balance for me.

If it's bugging you you need to say something or it will fester. How about just one day being a GP day so they pick him up, make the roast etc. If they will have baby too you could get a nice regular break - do a gym class etc. I'd like that!

omletta · 09/07/2012 09:00

I understand your issue with this.

I found that my DC behaved so badly after seeing my PIL that I limited the time they had together, and I still do (youngest, DS is 10).

Could you talk to them and ask them to follow some of the things which you do? Like not allowing interrupting?

Original poster
Professorwhite · 09/07/2012 09:02

thanks everyone and yes they are lovely - I have never discouraged the bond I just wanted to know if I was being unreasonable to limit visit to grandparents to once a week or agree to the additional request I mentioned that would take it up to 3/4 times a week.

I cant help but feel strongly that once a week is enough as DP works 12 hours a day, I work part-time and I like to spend time free time as a family and not as an extended family all the time

OP posts:
MULLYPEEP · 09/07/2012 09:03

They sound brilliant and very like my pil. Took some getting used to as my family are much more hands off. I asked mil not to buy toys and sweets each time as my dd was expecting too much and getting quite brattish about it. They buy less ( but still loads) . My kids love them so much and have a gorgeous relationship with them. Harness the pil energy for your benefit too.

ariadne1 · 09/07/2012 09:03

Apart from the 3 day a week pick up I think their requests are entirely normal.In fact after the first few months the school pick up wears a bit thin and you'll most likely be snatching her hand off!! Your MIL knows this because she's already been there.You haven't yet!

suzikettles · 09/07/2012 09:04

I disagree that the level of involvement your mil is suggesting = wanting to bring the dcs up themselves. It sounds pretty normal to me for people who live close by.

Having said that, yanbu to limit it to what suits you and you feel comfortable with, but I think you might be cutting your nose off to spite your face a bit to refuse all of the offers of extra time and limit to once a week.

IME, dcs have no problem distinguishing between grandma's rules and parent's rules (ie just because they get extra leeway one place doesn't mean that they'll be irredeemably "spoilt").

Take advantage of the babysitting, child-free shopping or time to yourself, time to spend solely with one dc while gps have the other, regular night out with your dh etc etc etc. Seriously - a babysitter on tap who adores your dcs is worth more than gold!

Obviously, if you have no family time for the 4 of you then that's no good, but there's loads of room for compromise here.

(I don't see why nativity plays and summer fetes even warrants a mention - surely it's standard for gps to attend these if they want to? It doesn't take anything away from you Confused)

CurrySpice · 09/07/2012 09:05

I would give my right arm for my exILs to take this much intereest in my DDs. They live 15 minutes away, never babysat, never had sleepovers, never helped us out :(

I can beleive that, if it goes too far the other way, it could be grating though.

I would say most of what she wants sounds OK (let her do the Saturday football - you'll be glad of it when it's chucking down and freezing in the winter!)

It's the last 2 points that would be tricky for me

CurrySpice · 09/07/2012 09:05

Sorry about the spelling mistakes - doing a big print out at the same time

Believe

financialwizard · 09/07/2012 09:05

I can understand how you would feel under the circumstances because that would be a little too much for me too. However, having lived overseas with no close family or friends nearby and a husband who is almost always away or working very late I can also see the benefits (a bit like an oasis in a desert!). I think I would have a chat with the in-laws and make a compromise. It won't hurt the children for them to have very involved GP's, and in the long run it will probably enrich their lives.

marathonrunner · 09/07/2012 09:06

You and your son are both so lucky. Of my grandparents, my paternal ones never bothered. My maternal grandfather was lovely but lived far away so I rarely saw him although I have lovely memories of when I did. My maternal grandmother is the biggest cowbag you can imagine and I truly dislike the woman. I haven't even spoken to her for three years. (The others are all dead btw)

When I hear of GPs like this I feel so sad and if I'm honest, a bit jealous as I would have loved to have had grandparents like this.

Jenski · 09/07/2012 09:08

You do not know how lucky you are! I would so love my parents or my PIL to be closer, so that juggling work/school pick-ups/the very very occasional night out could be easier, but more so that my DCs would have better and closer relationships with grandparents! So YABU.

But, I understand that you do not want DS to be spoilt by them, and that is something you need to discuss with them. So do say, please don't let DS interrupt your conversations, I am trying to teach him to be patient/good manners etc...... as an example.

Pickles77 · 09/07/2012 09:08

They sound amazing. I wish my dd has all of that & wish I had All that.
They sound like proper grandparents.
If you don't want them.... I will!

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