To 'Manange' time DC's spent with Grandparents

[Professorwhite]

Hi

My PIL absoutely adore our two DC's (DS age 4 and DD 7 months), they recently moved and live 5 mins away. They are their first Grandchildren, their other son is married with no kids - yet!

MIL only works part time and wants to see the kids at least once a week and always texts me weekly asking if I want her to have the kids for 'a couple of hours'. DS loves going there - he has his own decorated bedroom at their house, gets his favourite tea (chicken roast) everytime he goes and has done for the last 2 years, has a whole conservatory full of toys and gets a new toy every visit and has total uniterrupted attention for 2 hours where they hang on every word he says, can interrupt their conversation, gets wrapped in cotton wool.

In essence I think this kind of visit is lovely and what I would expect from a relationship with a grandparent every week/2 weeks - ie getting spoilt. The thing is MIL also constantly asks to:

• pick DS up 3 times a week when he starts school this year
• come along to nativity plays/summer fetes
• have DS for a sleepover every couple of weeks
• go to watch him at his football sessions every saturday
• be first call for any babysitting
• want to know everything about what they are involved in day to day
• essentially want to bring DC's up themselves!

Am I being unreasonable to 'manage' the time spent with them and to resist these extra request as he is utterly spoilt as I feel that if they spend more time with them they will feel this is the norm? DS is always asking to 'go to Nanny's' and yes I feel a bit 'arggh' about this but of course he wants to go there as its like going to Disney every time.

I am a very independant person and have lived away from my parents since the age of 18 (I am 40). My parents live over 5 hours away and when I had children I didnt think I would feel like I am co-raising them with DP's parents - I find this frustrating and wish PIL's had interests of their own othe than my DC's -

If you work though you do surprise surprise actually want to spend time with your kids when you aren't working.
There should be a happy medium between uninterested grandparenting and overinvolved grandparenting. The OP and her husband have to decide how much they want grandparents to be involved. If I am not working why would I want someone else picking up my kids from school? The grandparents have had their turn at parenting. Yes it's nice if they want to help out, but it should be helping out not trying to take over.
I wouldn't be telling them what the kids are involved in day to day but I'm not into regular phone calls.

I completely agree with you 2rebecca.

if my youngest's gp's didnt see him for 10 days(for that read actually have him taken to there house for a visit as opposed to hgaving a coffee in town or something) they would hit the roof and start complaining about how im witholding and minimizing there relationship.this week we saw them for several hours two days in a row same as last week but apparently i have to take him to there house.

i have to gently remind them that they are grand parents not parents and his other grandparents (my parents) due to distance have only seen him once in his life so its not as tho they are being hard done by

The picking up from school 3 times a week is too much!

If its all not leaving time for you as a family then it is obviously too much. Its nice they have a relationship but it shouldn't be at the expense of your family time. Especially as you are short on it already.

I would also ask that they don't buy him so many new toys.

PIL tend to be like that too, or were when the DDs were younger. They also used to have them every eve while i worked. DD1's behaviour became uncontrollable because she realised she could get away with murder! When i went on mat. leave with DS it all changed and DD1 told me she preferred me being at home. It was more reliable for her. They still try to tell us off when we disipline the DC though, and get very firmly reminded that they are not the parents!

Now they collect them from school once a week, give them dinner, then bring them home and put them to bed while me and DH have a night out. They also have them one night and all the following day every week in the holidays, and occasional weekends.

We go on holiday with my P so it all balances out!

What your PIL are suggesting would be far too claustrophobic for me. They rarely come to nativity/choir service as there isn't room, but they will do Inspire days at school and god forbid they should miss the fete :o

We are lucky to have them, but it's taken over 8 years of negotiating to get something we're all happy with.

DP has already said to her to stop buying so many presents a couple of months ago - he also overheard FIL saying this to her in the kitchen after he had mentioned it. I think that as I am now starting to 'manage' time this is a little bit of a 'well if I am not going to see him as much I will do what I want' kind of protest.

My proposal I think is:...

I will be returning to work in 4 weeks, for 3 days per week and have found a childminder to have DS 2 days and will offer MIL to pick up one day. So she will see DS once a week and will see DD once a week (who is going to nursery) when I pick him up (albeit for 5 mins). DP will also drop both DS & DD off every other weekend for a morning/afternoon for them to enjoy. Obviously any ad-hoc family do's on top of this.

Surely this is reasonable. DP leaves the house mon-fri at 6am and gets home at 7pm so we dont have much family time as it is for the 4 of us.

I guess in a round about way this has moved on from how spoilt they are with GP's but still goes back to my original point in that I think if they are spoilt like this then once a week is enough/all I can cope with

That sounds reasonable to me, It can all be renegotiated in the future when clubs etc come up!

Are fetes/football/nativity off the table?

I think that sounds like a fine arrangement.

Mrsbojangles I disagree that it's about how much the children want to see GPs. Of course the kids want to go to nanny's - she buys them presents every time she sees them and gives them everything they want. Parents have to decide what is right for their children and to me, that means not letting be somewhere all the time where their every whim is indulged.

The GPs shouldn't get a relationship with the dc, at the expense of the dc's relationship with their own parents. GPs have the luxury of being able to indulge the children, but the parents have to do all those pesky things like teaching them values and manners. I'd be gutted if my dc wanted to spend all their time with nanny because nanny constantly bought them things and never said no to anything.

No one is saying that they don't want their dc to have loving relationships with GPs, but you really cannot have a situation where the Gps take a view that they will do as they please irrespective of how the parents want to raise their own children.

Sorry Mrbojangles1, I got your name wrong

Professorwhite

If I was gran I would be over the moon to be picking up and spending time once a week. Esp if this was DS children, with a DIL in the way!

It can be such a horrid and fraught relationship you sound v reasonable to me!

Ask yourself if you would be happy with this time allocation? I know I would be. If MIL isnt, tell DH to tell her she is lucky to gt on with you at all.

Thanks Karma - that is exactly my view.

DS only said this afternoon 'I want to go to nanny's' after only have a sleepover on Saturday. I asked why and he said because I want to play with her toys, I want to play with my new super heroes'.

I can hand on heart say I have never heard them told him off, and they totally respond to his every whim so like you say of course he will want to go to Nannys and it upsets me as its at the detriment of my time (probably because I do discipline) and he isnt really that interested in my parents as they are like me and dont let children take over the house and will put him right if he is being naughty.

Karma

but you really cannot have a situation where the Gps take a view that they will do as they please irrespective of how the parents want to raise their own children.

too bloody right, they had their time and chances..they have to give room to the new generation....

if GP/in laws ect would only ASK the parents - is this ok, is that OK ....I am sure it would be alot better all round!

I think that is completely reasonable.

I am very independent and do not plan my weekend activities around what the GPs want! I want to see my children and my DP at the weekend - is that so selfish?! I don't want to be pinned down into constant plans with GPs.

Reading through this thread there is an awful lot of people who can't see past their circumstances and it seems that they think the grass is always greener.

Overbearing GPs and GPs who constantly want to be involved in every little thing are not a pleasure IMO and it can cause resentment. The GPs need to realise that it isn't all about them and their relationship with DC. Yes they are part of the family, but just that part of it.

OP - you have my sympathies

MILs can't win on Mumsnet. Remember this all you mums of boys, whatever you do it will be too much or too little and you will never enjoy a relationship with your GCs like the other set of GPs do

Oh nonsense, Lee.

My sisters are both fabulous with their ILs and have good relationships with them. I don't get the chance anymore, but when MIL was still alive I got on very well with her and FIL and DH and I bent over backwards to get them time with DS, even to the extent of paying their travel to come and see him.

I think that is nonsense. I think all grandparents have to remeber that they are grandparents not parents and that usually the key to having a good relationship with your grandchildren is to get on well with their parents. When my kids have children I intend to treat my son and daughter the same and will take my cue from them and their spouses as to how involved they want me to be, allowing for how involved I want to be. I won't expect my grandchildren to become my "hobby" and main interest in life though and to be moaning if I'm not getting daily updates on cute things they did today and expect "contact time" as though I'm a divorced parent.
Also if the mother is the main child carer then it's not surprising if she chooses to see more of her mother than her mother in law as usually that is who she'll have the closer bond with.
My kids may move away though like I did and my parents moved away from my grandparents before me and I continue the family tradition of seeing your grandchildren every few months.
Grandchildren are not pets or possessions to be fought over. Get on with their parents and you'll be fine.

In fact, if you don't see your son's children it is your son you need to have a word with, instead of just blaming your DIL.

They sound lovely but I think they are going a bit over the top.
Your Dh needs to deal with it, not you and he needs to stop all the new toys altogether, make them stick to Birthday and Christmas and any other special occasion, or they'll be nothing special about them and he won't have that excited Christmas/birthday is here did I get the toy I and begging for feeling.
School pick up would be nice, but only when you need it.
We are moving close to my mother next year, she wants to move to a smaller house but stay near us, that way she can do school pick up on my work days, and have Dd overnight. I'm thrilled with the idea, I had that relationship with both my GP's and want it for her too.

LeeCoakley

"MILs can't win on Mumsnet. Remember this all you mums of boys, whatever you do it will be too much or too little and you will never enjoy a relationship with your GCs like the other set of GPs do sad"

Disagree, most people on here moaning about them is where they havant simply " asked" mum or dad - is this OK. There is a crossing of boundaries and a sense of entitlement that creates an awkard situation.

1. get on with your DS and DIL, if you dont, dont expect to see GC or as regualry as you would like.
2. JUST ASK!!! IS THIS OK, IS THAT OK. I know some DILs have gone mad about GP's giving a few sweets, but I mean on much more serious things like sleep overs, coming to every event, disipline.....

is that sooo HARD, when the rewards are soo great?????

leecoakley
what an apsolute crock of shit. yes the dynamics of the relationship can be differcult but the stance you take is utter rubbish.

my other childrens grandparents (not my parents so ex inlaws) are fantastic most of the time, they dont treat the children like things to be passed around with 'contact arangements' they dont overstep any boundrys (that apply equally to my own parents) they ask if there unsure if something is ok and they never try to overide me they also dont attempt to buy the children with constant treats and gifts. there not distant nor are they attempting to infringe on our life.

they also are conciderate enough to attend fete's but not plays (small school if shed loads of extended family turn up other childrens actual parents miss out)
they accept that any goals or health related things are bugger all to do with them they also never act like they have 'rights' that should be demanded.

infact very simmerler to how my brothers wives view my parents

IME PILs are likely to be close(r) to the GC than the mother's parents.

My Granny (Dad's Mum) was probably the best friend I've ever had and we were much much closer than I am to my Mum's Mum who is still alive but I hardly see.

My own DC are closer to my PIL than to my parents, mostly because of the time and effort the PIL put in - they are around alot more.

And as a Mum of boys I hope to be close to my DILs and their children too. My experience of female in laws (esp MIL and SIL) is that they are kinder and more reliable than my female blood relations.

It is great your MIL wants to spend so much time with your DC's. I think it's great you understand the new toy, spoilt thing as well - annoying though isn't it!

I'd be happy with the arrangement she is suggesting re sleepover once a month, and watching the football. But the football would be on agreement you are there too. I would say 3 x a week from school was too much as it only leaves you 2 x a week. Perhaps go back to her with once a week and ask her that she could help out extra if and when you needed it.

With wanting to know what they're up too - say to her DS can fill her in after school/ sleepover.

First call for babysitting - nope, cannot find a problem - sounds great and have a fab time wherever you go out!

I would however say that if she is going to be having him more often then there needs to be some groundrules - eg new toy monthly, or sweets the day she picks him up from school.

Yanbu. I agree that other people who have uninterested gps cant understand the stress that this situation causes.

I think you're being reasonable with your plans. I think it might be helpful if you have a fixed day for mil to see ds then she might calm down a bit as the uncertainty of a 'missed visit' might be making her more clingy.

I do feel you pain, my inlaws live less than a mile away. DH is an only child so I have no chance of spreading the love onto other grandchildren.
Mine have dcs one day a week, but I can feel their burning enthusiasm to have them much much more and it is wearing. I wish MIL would take up golf or something.