To 'Manange' time DC's spent with Grandparents

[Professorwhite]

Hi

My PIL absoutely adore our two DC's (DS age 4 and DD 7 months), they recently moved and live 5 mins away. They are their first Grandchildren, their other son is married with no kids - yet!

MIL only works part time and wants to see the kids at least once a week and always texts me weekly asking if I want her to have the kids for 'a couple of hours'. DS loves going there - he has his own decorated bedroom at their house, gets his favourite tea (chicken roast) everytime he goes and has done for the last 2 years, has a whole conservatory full of toys and gets a new toy every visit and has total uniterrupted attention for 2 hours where they hang on every word he says, can interrupt their conversation, gets wrapped in cotton wool.

In essence I think this kind of visit is lovely and what I would expect from a relationship with a grandparent every week/2 weeks - ie getting spoilt. The thing is MIL also constantly asks to:

• pick DS up 3 times a week when he starts school this year
• come along to nativity plays/summer fetes
• have DS for a sleepover every couple of weeks
• go to watch him at his football sessions every saturday
• be first call for any babysitting
• want to know everything about what they are involved in day to day
• essentially want to bring DC's up themselves!

Am I being unreasonable to 'manage' the time spent with them and to resist these extra request as he is utterly spoilt as I feel that if they spend more time with them they will feel this is the norm? DS is always asking to 'go to Nanny's' and yes I feel a bit 'arggh' about this but of course he wants to go there as its like going to Disney every time.

I am a very independant person and have lived away from my parents since the age of 18 (I am 40). My parents live over 5 hours away and when I had children I didnt think I would feel like I am co-raising them with DP's parents - I find this frustrating and wish PIL's had interests of their own othe than my DC's -

OP you are being very reasonable and your feelings about the spoiling absolutely justified.

karma, 2rebecca, cleavage etc I totally agree.

no-one, not even grandparents, should separate you from your children when you want to be with them. they are your children, not anyone else's.

talk to your mother in law. point out that at the moment, visiting means having a lovely time, being indulged - that's ok because it is infrequent. if your children are to visit regularly, in laws will have to keep more closely to their usual standards - ie your rules.

also, to go from a once a fortnight visit to three times a week after school and all those other requirements is too much, too soon. tell her you can build up slowly, adding a little at a time, when you, their mother, feel comfortable.

ultimately, grandma should not be allowed to take over your family. yes, she might only want to be helpful. yes, you might really grow to appreciate her help. yes, there is the risk of causing offence if you insist on things being done your way.

but the only way to deal with people fairly is to be clear with them about what is acceptable to you. don't pretend. thank her for her offers and tell her what is right for you, and see if she wants to go along with that.

It all sounds a bit suffocating and as if they are interested in playing a parental role themselves. Do they interests and hobbies of their own that don't revolve around the gcs?

I'm all for GP involvement but sometimes they can just centre their lives around the gcs which puts pressure on the gcs as well as the mum and dad.

I would always wait to be invited as a GP instead of constantly asking.

lovebunny great post phrased exactly correctly, I.e not rude but assertive, totally usefull advice

While I understand if you feel your in laws are getting more time with your children than you, I song really understand the need for such defined preferred activity times from either set? Surely the greatest benefit of having (nice) family so close by is that it can all be quite fluid and relaxed?

Our families live far away so mostly when we see them it's very intense time but if we are visiting for a longer period it tends to start slipping into a more chilled out approach. So we will all go to dh's parents one day or I will drop ds at my parents for a few hours then havd tea with them after or whatever.

I think both you and your in laws are being too focused on set times and are treating the children like some kind of timeshare. Id be sharing activities or operating a more casual arrangement whereby they pic up ds when convenient etc.

What would worry me is that you will set up a day for grandparents to see little dc, then little dc gets an invite to paly with friend after school on that night and you accept. Then grandparents get funny that they were not asked etc and tell you not to let dc go to play date after school on their night.

I would make it very very clear in bright neon lights with flashing signs - that the night they pick up grandchild will often change due to parties and play dates etc or even be cancelled that week if you cant manage it.

Yes, be very careful of establishing a 'set' day that GPs have the dc - you could end up feeling like you are sharing custody of your children with your ILs!

I agree with Blingshare that this isn't some sort of timeshare! I also agree with many others here that having gps who want to help out and be involved is great! You do need to relax a little, your children will always love their mum and dad more than anyone else (until boyfriend/girlfriend comes along!) A close relationship like this really can be a win win situation for everyone! Before long ds won't want to go so often anyway because he'll want to go to activities/ friends houses etc

What I do think needs addressing - and DH must do this - they're his parents - is the problem of them buying ad nauseum presents/ toys and the fact that there doesn't seem to be any "rules" ( I use this term VERY loosely ) when ds is there. Get dh to talk to them perhaps emphasizing that ds's behaviour is hyper when he gets home and it's putting you off sending him round there!

I do understand how you feel I was in a similar situation, but now mine are all adults and i look back I can see that it was a wonderful thing and has only enriched all of our lives! Mine go and visit their grandparents off their own bat now (6 hour journey to each set of grandparents)