To 'Manange' time DC's spent with Grandparents

[Professorwhite]

Hi

My PIL absoutely adore our two DC's (DS age 4 and DD 7 months), they recently moved and live 5 mins away. They are their first Grandchildren, their other son is married with no kids - yet!

MIL only works part time and wants to see the kids at least once a week and always texts me weekly asking if I want her to have the kids for 'a couple of hours'. DS loves going there - he has his own decorated bedroom at their house, gets his favourite tea (chicken roast) everytime he goes and has done for the last 2 years, has a whole conservatory full of toys and gets a new toy every visit and has total uniterrupted attention for 2 hours where they hang on every word he says, can interrupt their conversation, gets wrapped in cotton wool.

In essence I think this kind of visit is lovely and what I would expect from a relationship with a grandparent every week/2 weeks - ie getting spoilt. The thing is MIL also constantly asks to:

• pick DS up 3 times a week when he starts school this year
• come along to nativity plays/summer fetes
• have DS for a sleepover every couple of weeks
• go to watch him at his football sessions every saturday
• be first call for any babysitting
• want to know everything about what they are involved in day to day
• essentially want to bring DC's up themselves!

Am I being unreasonable to 'manage' the time spent with them and to resist these extra request as he is utterly spoilt as I feel that if they spend more time with them they will feel this is the norm? DS is always asking to 'go to Nanny's' and yes I feel a bit 'arggh' about this but of course he wants to go there as its like going to Disney every time.

I am a very independant person and have lived away from my parents since the age of 18 (I am 40). My parents live over 5 hours away and when I had children I didnt think I would feel like I am co-raising them with DP's parents - I find this frustrating and wish PIL's had interests of their own othe than my DC's -

I would find this suffocating. Involvement is wonderful, but taking over is not.

OP, I think you should decide what is important to you and then insist on doing those things for yourself. For me, it would be picking the kids up from school, for example. I would ask the GPs to not buy toys every time they see the dc - phrase it that you want the children to be happy to see them and not grow up associating GPs with presents.

I would also think about the things where you are happy to be more flexible - I'd willingly let GPs attend school fetes, go to school plays, if there are enough tickets and would love on tap babysitting. Choose the things which work in your favour and enhance your life, rather than giving in to things which you find stifling.

I think some honest conversation should be going on here - tell the ILs that you work and so spending time with your dc is precious to you. Tell them that you want your dc not to grow up expecting constant spoiling and presents. In short, you make the decisions and then present that to everybody else - don't sit back and passively allow the ILs to decide and then inform you. If they are a bit pushy, learn to say no and not feel guilty - they are your dc.

I felt simular with my own parents to how you are feeling although mine are an hour drive away.

I think you need to break it down.

1. Picking up from school. Is this so you can work or just because they want him?
   
   If it is so you can work and you are happy with them having him for this particular reason then that's fine. Otherwise I personally feel it is too much and he needs to be at home to rest, relax do homework, see friends etc. Also consider the need for after-school care if they are ill or on holiday. Do they have an After School Club that you could use on an adhoc basis?

2. Nativity plays etc. Personally don't see the issue - mine travel to see them and I have been very grateful to them when I haven't been able to attend due to my work to think that at least there is someone there to watch him. Maybe don't ask them for the first ones that he does so that you have that to yourself.

3. once a month is more than enough for a sleepover. Again on the other weekends he may have parties etc.

4. Baby-sitting - I don't have this option on a week night but I then tie it in for when my boys go for sleepovers to my parents to go out.

5. When are they going to have your second child for their special time???

I think it wouldn't be unreasonable to ask them to modify their behaviour around them boys - ie less cotton-wooling, not buying them toys all the time. And nothing wrong with saying that certain says of the week are just for the 4 of you. If you make that clear to everyone I can't see it would be a problem. IME the benefits outweight the disadvantages.

"but I just cant get my head around their desire to be so involved on a weekly basis! well you don't need to. Just as they presumably cant get their heads round why you'd object. Just accept that that is how they are and act accordingly. Set out rules and explain to them nicely why.

- pick DS up 3 times a week when he starts school this year
Would this help you? Do you work? Would you otherwise be paying for afterschool care? If not, maybe once a week to tie-in with the weekly visit. When DS starts school I will want to be the one to pick him and and help settle him into it so I understand how you feel about this one.

- come along to nativity plays/summer fetes
Totally normal.

- have DS for a sleepover every couple of weeks
Might be nice. My DS goes to his GP every week for one night so DH and I have some time to ourselves.

- go to watch him at his football sessions every saturday
Sounds fine.

- be first call for any babysitting
If they're the only relatives around then this is a great offer.

- want to know everything about what they are involved in day to day
If they're asking your DS rather than you then it's good to develop conversation. If it's 20 questions then I would be a bit fed up.

- essentially want to bring DC's up themselves!
They are obviously adoring GPs and as long as they support you instead of critcising or taking over then I think they're doing fine. I think the key here is to manage expectations so that you still have plenty of time as a family unit and don't have to worry about whether or not something spontaneous will suit the GPs. Also to ensure that you and your DH are the parents and make the decisions about your DCs' upbringing.

Karma...Reread your post. Does that not sound shockingly selfish to you? Me me me. Pick out what is good for me me me. Don't think about what anyone else would like, just what I I I want.

What about a bit of balance and give and take. You are so blessed to have loving family close by. Talk to them! Come to an agreement that suits you all. This is a lovely situation to be in, it just needs to be sensibly managed and then you can all reap the benefits.

Yanbu I would hate that grandparents are grandparents no matter whose inlaws they are.
Ime grandparents who act like this do so for very odd internal reasons Inc but not limited to,fucking up there own parenting and wanting a second chance,a subconcious wish to over ride actual parents, control issues and many other less than transparent reasons

grandparents are sposed to spoil grandchildren but if it's to often it can create problems
but yabu about the babysitting thing that's just being nice.

My youngest has gp's who allready do this with another grandchild it's unplesant to see how they are with her,I took a phone call when I was pregnant after there son walked out on me telling me I wasn't allowed to move as they didn't want to have to travel to see gc hummm I had no intention of moving but if I had it's not up to you to give me permision on the other hand my mum is fab and spoiley but because she's so far away it's not very often if she were closer as she used to be she would not go overboard because it is not really acceptable to constantly be like that in less you want kids with a very strange view of life. Infrequent over the top spoiley is wonderfull but not all the time

I'm no expert, but aren't these the things grandparents do? And aren't most parents grateful that they do them?

Are they as fond of your DD? Everything sounds fine to me (except the sleepovers, and they could say 'No' to your DS sometimes!), but who is having your DD when you go back to work? This would influence who picks up DS for me.
And will they lavish her with the same attention?

I'd be leery of having a regular sleep over arrangement. I've heard of situations where gps have this once a fortnight sleep over and they insist on it to the exclusion of anything else that is going on. Invited to a wedding and need to stay in a hotel overnight? Well sorry, that's our weekend and the DGCs can't go!

It sounds a bit like they're trying to relive their lives as young parents, through your DCs.

A sleepover every fortnight doesn't sound like they are wanting to raise him themselves!! As for attending nativities and sports days , it's what GPs do !! there will be a gazillion GPs there .why should your DS miss out!!

Ignore the fact some people have ILS who aren't bothered, and you are lucky. It's true, and my FIL can't be bothered with my DC, his only grandchildren, but so what? It doesn't make the opposite problem any better.

You are not being unreasonable, even seeing it purely from the point of view of what is in your children's interests. Your children's most important relationship is with you and DH, and you should not feel obliged to sacrifice it, and time with them, to meet the needs or expectations of the grandparents. You need time together as a nuclear family, and I think you should make that point gently to your ILs. They sound really nice, and you have to be nice back but with appropriate boundaries in place.

Going to events and football is fine, provided you aren't expected to make facilitating this your absolute top priority-you all have to fit in with each other rather than the DC becoming any kind of obsessive focus you have to facilitate.

Picking up 3x a week (so more than you) sounds a bit out of balance, as do sleepovers every two weeks. 1x or 2x a week and once a month sound fine, but the actual times matter less than you feeling comfortable with the arrangement. I disagree about being first (actually only) port of call for babysitting all the time-if no one else EVER does it, you'll never have anyone you and the children trust and are used to for the odd time ILs can't do it.

And it may sound mean, but I would edit what you tell them if your ILS have any kind of tendency to take over or feel they should have equal say with you as parents. I have to do this with my own mother.

I love her, she is incredibly helpful and I value her advice, but sometimes if my mother is told (not even asked) about something she starts to be have as though she has stewardship of it and it is up to her to deal with it. Just because I tell her DS may be getting yet another eye infection does not mean she needs to ring me before I leave for work to remind me to ring the docs, then ring me at work later to see if I've made the appt, then when I haven't ring DH at home to try and get him to make one. All without even having seen DS's eye because she lives 250 miles away. She will be astonishingly pushy to get DH and me to deal with something her way, or in a way that assuages her anxieties.

I think posters who don't have these kinds of parents don't realise how, even though they are lovely, you do have to 'manage' the relationship with them.

I can understand where you are coming from tbh.

• pick DS up 3 times a week when he starts school this year

Well wait a bit longer when he and his dsis will have a few after school activities etc... When they will have one or perhaps no day where there isn't something planned after school and time spent at home as a family will feel like a premium. I would sya, see how it goes and if it can help you that she is doing all the running around to take to the swimming pool, football or whatever else. And look at is helpful for you, what is completely unhelpful and what actually doesn't matter either way.

• come along to nativity plays/summer fetes

Actually that is great for the dcs, they love it. Also, if you have to go to 'an assembly' with very short notice and you can't go, it means your dcs would have at least their GPs there.

• have DS for a sleepover every couple of weeks

Too much. When they will be at school having their own activities, you will be looking forward to have some time to spend with your dcs as a family. I also don't really see why it has to be so planned and organized. Some time to time should be OK no?

• go to watch him at his football sessions every saturday

Oh I would leave them to do that! Being outside cold every saturday isn't my idea of fun!

• be first call for any babysitting

Why not? But then what would you do if your parents were also living 5min away and wanted to be the No1 babysitters?

• want to know everything about what they are involved in day to day
• essentially want to bring DC's up themselves!

They seem to be 'controlling' in some ways. I agree that they are your dcs and you should come first as a family when you decide when and how often the GPs see their gdcs.

YANBU I wouldn't like it unless we all got on 100%. My own parents are very close to my DC but only see them once a week and the odd school event. My friend had a MIL who wanted to do everything and she is still resentful and feels her son is closer to the MIL then his own mother. But she used to live with them so harder to back off. I would get them to back off abit. Maybe make it once a week or so?

My parents picked up my dcs from school 3 days a week. I have to say the rose tinted grandparent stuff wore off pretty quickly once looking after them was no longer a novelty but a chore. They started telling them off as much as I do :).

I think it takes a while to learn how to be a grandparent as I can imagine all your instincts are geared toward parenting at first. And they don't reckon on how exhausting small children are.

I am sure it will calm down. Speaking as someone who has had one night away from my children in eight years, I would bite their hands off for a once monthly overnight stay - maybe that would work fir you?

bbface, the grandparents want to do all of those things, so I'm suggesting the OP selects some of the things that she doesn't mind the GPs doing and keeping for herself the things that she feels strongly about. The grandparents will still be getting some of what they want, but the OP will also be getting what she wants too.

I think the GPs are being a bit selfish too (not in a nasty sense) - they want the children all the time and are not giving a great deal of thought to what the OP wants or needs.

bbface i may have misinterprited your post so if i have im sorry.
but is it not perfectly normal for parents to prioritise the main bulk of there relationships with there children predominantly for there own convienance and what they think is right for there own children?

obviously not withstanding lovely gp visits or other family but its a perfectly normal thing to assert your authority as a parent if you feel the visits are excessive or to much or gp's are overbearing or if you feel like its taking over and a detriment?

op- some gp's treat there grandchildren like little demigods who should be pandered to and worshiped and can do no wrong there is no harm in this IF its not a every other day or consistant in your face thing,if they do have the type of relationship where they are in significant contact or effectivly carerers then the gp's need to balence there behaviour to something less over the top

For those of you who say this is nice - on the face of it, yes it is, but only if you want that level of involvement. To people who like a bit of personal space, this is actually quite pressurising.

I think quite a few people would struggle having their ILs live 5 minutes away and wanting daily involvement in all aspects of the dc's lives.

I do realise that there will be opinions from those who do not have support/interest from grandparents however I hope you can see that the flipside can also have its down points.

I struggle and am frankly fed up with the constant pressure to make sure they get their 'fix' and building in a visit into my week. I dont want to feel guilty if I say 'Im sorry I'm busy this week' meaning that
they wont have seen DC's for about 10 days by the time the following visit comes round. For example my mum came to stay for a week (she does this about once a year) MIL obviously didnt then see DC's for a week, I was then busy the following week and MIL got funny with me on the phone because of this.

Agree with Karmabeliever - the most important relationships for a child is with their parents, grandparent relationships are nice, but nowhere near as important. They just aren't. So grandparent relationships shouldn't come in the way of parental ones.

I also have had to 'manage' my MIL, so she has DS every other friday for the morning, she'd like more, but that would eat into my non-working time with him and DH's time with him. As it is her 'morning' with him is normally until nearly 2pm, meaning I can't really do anything in the afternoon with him so every other week I 'loose' a day - sometimes it's helpful that I can get my hair done or clean the house in peace, but I like spending time with DS and so won't make this a weekly thing.

Agree work out what works for you, one night a week or every other week for pick up from school, or going to the football (unless they will then want to bring him back to theirs, do lunch etc which would take out all of your saturday with DS, assuming your DH works and would like some family time).

Sleep overs, quite frankly, keep that to when it works for you. Again, perhaps make it one night a month so you and DH can have a 'date night' and a lie in the following morning, but every fortnight is too much.

You need to stamp on the 'pressie every week' thing, that's just going to spoil your DS and mean that he won't appriciate what you do buy, but smile and say thank you, you'll let them know when you have a night out booked for babysitting.

What an eveil women she wants to pick the up from school,go to their school plays , and spoil them call child proction quick

Been married to my oh for 7 years in that time my mother in never asks for ds when she rings, never replies when he sends her cars so he never bothers any more the only thing she dose is buy him a cristmas gift on which she puts from shirley and neil

It gets better my own father (if you can call him that) rang me last year and ask to speak to paul and say happy birthday btw my sons name is not paul and i was not his birthday also his delightful wife told my son to stop calling him grandma as they are not related that was when he 3 happy days but your right op your mil sounds awful

karmabeliever its not about the leve of INVLOMENT that you want and thats the key its how much the children want to see their grand parents

Why would try to keep your children from having another person in their lives who love them and want to soend time with them

We build in all sorts of things into our lives x factor getting our hair done surley op can fit in grandparents how ever much she may find them anyoing

When they pass as old peopleare prone to do i wonder if her children would of wanted more of less time with their grandparents

Could you not compromise - pick up from school amd tea once a week, sleep over once a month on a fri and they take him to football on the following sat morning? If you have othe people that want to babysit then spread it around if not be happy you have on tap babysitting.
Things like fetes, concerts etc it's pretty normal for grandparents to go along.
If you work part time what childcare do you use? Could mil do some of this satisfying her need to spend time with kids, saving you money and not taking away too much family time?