To 'Manange' time DC's spent with Grandparents

[Professorwhite]

Hi

My PIL absoutely adore our two DC's (DS age 4 and DD 7 months), they recently moved and live 5 mins away. They are their first Grandchildren, their other son is married with no kids - yet!

MIL only works part time and wants to see the kids at least once a week and always texts me weekly asking if I want her to have the kids for 'a couple of hours'. DS loves going there - he has his own decorated bedroom at their house, gets his favourite tea (chicken roast) everytime he goes and has done for the last 2 years, has a whole conservatory full of toys and gets a new toy every visit and has total uniterrupted attention for 2 hours where they hang on every word he says, can interrupt their conversation, gets wrapped in cotton wool.

In essence I think this kind of visit is lovely and what I would expect from a relationship with a grandparent every week/2 weeks - ie getting spoilt. The thing is MIL also constantly asks to:

• pick DS up 3 times a week when he starts school this year
• come along to nativity plays/summer fetes
• have DS for a sleepover every couple of weeks
• go to watch him at his football sessions every saturday
• be first call for any babysitting
• want to know everything about what they are involved in day to day
• essentially want to bring DC's up themselves!

Am I being unreasonable to 'manage' the time spent with them and to resist these extra request as he is utterly spoilt as I feel that if they spend more time with them they will feel this is the norm? DS is always asking to 'go to Nanny's' and yes I feel a bit 'arggh' about this but of course he wants to go there as its like going to Disney every time.

I am a very independant person and have lived away from my parents since the age of 18 (I am 40). My parents live over 5 hours away and when I had children I didnt think I would feel like I am co-raising them with DP's parents - I find this frustrating and wish PIL's had interests of their own othe than my DC's -

Yanbu. Can you set up the regular weekly visit that dc have with gp and then be clear that you and dc are busy with other activities the rest of the week?

Gp do sound lovely, but I can understand why you wouldn't want them to be involved with dc as much as they are asking. I know I'd hate that much involvement, as I'm very independent too and you married dh, not his family.

Meet them somewhere in the middle and tell them its because you want more time with your dcs rather than you worry about them becoming spoilt! They sound like my mum and dad and I love how close my dd is to them! Plus I love how much help I get. They have also just offered to have ds one day a week when I go back to work.

Sometimes inconsistent discipline type issues do come up but I just let it go because the benefits of having such a close relationships totally outweigh any problems.

That sounds lovely!

YABU

I understand completely, I'm in a similar situation and at times I find it lovely, at other times a bit stiffling. The bits I found difficult were the sweets (FIL tried to justify chocolate covered raisins as fruit ), lots of toys and clothes, constant attention, fuss if he fell over, treating DS as stuck at a certain age whereas I want him to become more independent.

On the other side though are two GPs who love the children loads, give them loads of attention, read books, give me a break to get things done that I cannot do with the kids, babysit, teach them different things. This definitely outweighs everything else, especially the love.

I'd suggest you try to balance it, I wouldn't want my DS picked up 3 times a week when he starts school, its a chance for me to talk to him, see his teacher, other mums and arrange playtimes etc. At times explain to PIL that you want to do this with DC alone, at other times with them, don't be afraid to say no at times or suggest things at other times.

YABU, they sound like normal loving grandparents to me.

I often see grandparents at school fetes and nativity plays.

I think you should also allow your DCS to have their own relationship with their grandparents,the more people that love your children the better.

I can understand your feelings, I would feel stiffled by family like this.

On the one hand you are lucky as you have people that care for your ds and want to be with him, but you want to strike a balance for all of you, so rather than all or nothing you get something that you can both work with.

Can you let your PIL know you would like to do it on a as and when basis rather than a weekly thing that ties them donw - as you want to keep the relationship "special" between your dc and grandparents otherwise they will become like the nanny rather than nanny

I would absolutely kill for ds to have grandparents like those. You and your children are extremely lucky.

i do get where you are coming from.

a light touch of- I want DS to have a routine when he goes to school- i expect him to be very tired to start with so want him to come home with me so I can hear about his day. Maybe after half term, you could pick him up on a Tuesday etc.

The rest, put up with. My mum used to give mine ice cream for breakfast. no harm done- they are 15 and 18 now ( i still have a 4 yr old though)

I would also say that you will find this very useful in a couple of years when yours want to start doing club etc at the opposite ends of town.

make the most of it, but make it work for you. dont think your ils would want you to be upset

My kids are also quite badly behaved when they get home too, but it's not because they have been allowed to misbehave, I think it's that they are just adjusting to the return to us and a bit less intensive attention. If 3 or 4 times a week is too much then agree to what helps you? Start a gym class or something? I don't think there is anything wrong with managing what you involve them in. Have a good think about what help they could give you, my mil takes them for haircuts, sleepover once a month ish, dinner once per week, amongst other things. Her help is invaluable. She is the person I can bore silly about all their wee achievements.

Just a comment on different discipline ideas, I think children suss out very quickly what they can do with whom. When I discipline DC, PIL usually keep out of it, although I can see them itching to do / say something (normally hug DS because he is unhappy, aaggh). I say usually as FIL is starting to tell MIL to stop the kids doing something, that is when I'm there, so its really annoying, need to find a nice way to ask him to stop, its not helping.

I can see a bit where you are coming from, as mine were a bit like this. While it is lovely for the DC's, I always felt that they muscled in on decisions which should have been down to DH & myself as parents. Any time this was mentioned it was 'oh well we are just trying to help'. They also tried to trump me at every turn, if I mentioned I was planning to get something for one of my DC's they would immediatley go out and buy it and present it to them before I did, and they took my DD to buy her first pair of shoes when I had made it clear that I wanted to choose them, that was a big milestone for me with my PFB.

I have to say that as the dcs get older, it gets more difficult for them to behave like this, and they have backed off a bit now without it diminishing their relationship with the children.

I do have to watch them at school events though, one year I cringed at the nativity play when the school had requested no photos during the play and my FIL decided this did not apply to him, he snapped away totally oblivious to everyone else giving him dirty looks.

Sorry to hijack your thread, I just wanted to illustrate how frustrating it can be, however if you just try and go with the flow in the early years, as the children get older it will probably get easier.

I think it sounds lovely too. Growing up I had a very good relationship with my grandparents and I was spoilt rotten too. I am still very close with that side of my family, as are my children although they only see my children when I'm present as my children are young and my grandparents are getting on a bit.

However YANBU with the spoiling. I'd speak to your DH and then speak to your MIL about it. Don't take their joy away but at the same time manage their presents instead of their time.

What I wouldn't give for that level of support...while you're right to say that you don't want them to be spoiled materially, your children will benefit from all that love.
I envy you that.

OP, I can completely see why they are doing your head in!!!

I'd find this level of involvement quite oppressive - the problem you have ultimately is the emotional drain associated with you and your DH making any decisions that go against your IL's wishes.

"But I thought we agreed...."

and

"But we always..."

So that things become set in stone. It isn't great to have inflexible expectations placed upon you. What if there's a birthday party? What if he's tired? What if you/he/your DH just doesn't fancy it? What if you want to enjoy something just the 3 of you?

It's not always appropriate for grandparents to be involved however much they might want to be. They are extended family, you and your DH are the parents and the three of you are the family.

Having said that, make sure you appreciate it. My mother has no contact with my children because her partner is a 'risky adult' and is not allowed contact with the children.

That is a far shittier problem to deal with than over indulgent grandparents!!! :)

Yabu! This is what grandparents are for!

Each to their own but I would sell my soul for that kind of support. Ds is nearly eight and in those eight years dp and I have been out maybe 10 times? It is rare anyone else ever has my children and I am knackered.

Blimey you really don't know when you are well off!

Agree the " new toy every time" is a bit much and I guess they need to remember you have another child and not have a favourite , but requests to go to nativities /school fairs./ footy etc are so normal and lovely. Offering to having him after school is nice too.

Remember having 2hrs aof undivided adult attention wont make him spoilt! Yes toys and sweets every time might- manage that.

And sleep overs/baby sitting- fantastic!

Allow your children to be the separate people they are and have their relationship with grandparents . Enjoy it. If you go back to work/want a social life in the future you'll be so happy they have that fall back carer.

yabu

i don't think she is asking too much. a lot of what she asks for is what my mum would want to do too and none of it would seem ott or "wanting to bring him up herself"

i think it's lovely she wants to be involved, as others have said many ILs couldn't give a shit about their gc.

I think it's irrelevant that others would like family closer to do this. I would. But what the OP is saying does sound very intense.

She wants to:
Pick up ds more often than his dm
Nativity plays/summer fetes-fine assuming the school is happy-ours has a grandparent/family performance which is the dress rehearsal, and you're only allowed up to 2 parents in the actual performance. There isn't space for more.
Sleepover every couple of weeks: Well mine find a sleepover even at grandparents gets them worn out with excitement and lack of sleep. I think every couple of weeks would keep them permanently tired/over excited.
Football sessions every Saturday: suggest you perhaps alternate taking him. I'd think it would be nice not to be out on the field every week.
First call for babysitting is fine.

Personally I think you need to negotiate. I'd point out if she picks up 3 times a week then she's doing it more often then you. If you have things you need to talk to the teacher about, this can make it difficult. There are some things they want to discuss with the parent, not the grandparent.
I'd suggest you alternate football. Maybe any big matches you both go, but generally alternate.
Perhaps the first weekend of the month can be "granny sleepover time".

If they do all of what you said they will be spending as much time, if not more with gp, which, if gp are inclined to spoil too, is not the best thing for the child.

YANBU. Once a week is enough if there are ocassional extras like sleepovers. I wouldn't mind the in laws going to school things, but sometimes these things are limited to two tickets per child, and mil doesn't get priority over parents. It's nice for her to go to school fetes and the like though.

I'd set aside one day a week where she gets to pick ds up from school and give him his dinner. Then weekend visits and sleepovers can be at your convienience. My mum picks my ds's up from school one day a week, and they look forward to granny day. She brings them a little treat, like a couple of packets of football cards or something, which I don't mind. I did have to put a stop to the doughnut straight after school then the great big pudding after dinner though. I told her it had to be one or the other and she was fine with that.

They sound lovely. Could you ask them to make sure your DS observes a few rules when he is with them? Like the no interupting thing etc.
And perhaps compromise and let them pick him up twice a week if his behaviour improves? (and tell them that too so they have an incentive).

We have just discovered the delights of MIL babysitting my eldest who is three next month. DD had to be toilet trained and be a bit independant as MIL is 83. I love it, MIL loves it and DD1 loves it (and DD2 benefits from one on one time which she wouldn't have had otherwise).

DD1's behaviour is a bit worse for being indulged - but weighed against the fact MIL wont be around for ever and we had no support at all prior to this it is definitely worth it!

Enjoy!

Good post DeWe.

OP it doesn't matter what other people would like from their PILs, this is clearly too much for you. You definitely need to talk to them (or better still get your DH to man up and do it) and lay some boundaries. Obviously you'll need to be crystal clear but also incredibly sensitive and kind about how you do this because they sound like lovely people who you want to have a great relationship with.

If you go back and agree 'one pick up per week, one sleepover per month, alternate football sessions' etc, you'll feel in more control and so will they, because they'll know what to expect. It may be a relief for all of you.

And they are welcome to babysit my kids any time!

I think YABU - her requests aren't extreme or unreasonable. In fact, I'd give my left leg for such a loving, involved grandparent/MIL!

I think for working parents time with your kids is precious and I wouldn't have wanted grandparents reducing the time I spend with my kids, especially once my ex and I got divorced and I only had the kids for half the weekends.
Grandparents showing an interest is great, but you and your husband have to take control of how often they see the kids and they shouldn't be the main carers unless you want them to be. if you only want them having the kids once a week that is fine. Discuss between you what you want to dYou and your husband should be in control of this not grandparents. I wouldn't want sleepovers or any regular events at the moment. Discuss it with your husband and then discusswith his parents the fact that as you both work you both value time with your kids and want time to do stuff with them yourselves.

OP I don't think you are being unreasonable at all. Whilst it's lovely that they care so much, if I was in your position I would feel like they were trying to take over, rightly or wrongly.

Presumably you wouldn't have had children if you didn't want to pick them up from school, take them to football yourself! It's nice they want to be involved but IMO it should be on your terms and when it suits you. You are their parent, and this should be your opportunity to enjoy your children, as they did with theirs.