To 'Manange' time DC's spent with Grandparents

[Professorwhite]

Hi

My PIL absoutely adore our two DC's (DS age 4 and DD 7 months), they recently moved and live 5 mins away. They are their first Grandchildren, their other son is married with no kids - yet!

MIL only works part time and wants to see the kids at least once a week and always texts me weekly asking if I want her to have the kids for 'a couple of hours'. DS loves going there - he has his own decorated bedroom at their house, gets his favourite tea (chicken roast) everytime he goes and has done for the last 2 years, has a whole conservatory full of toys and gets a new toy every visit and has total uniterrupted attention for 2 hours where they hang on every word he says, can interrupt their conversation, gets wrapped in cotton wool.

In essence I think this kind of visit is lovely and what I would expect from a relationship with a grandparent every week/2 weeks - ie getting spoilt. The thing is MIL also constantly asks to:

• pick DS up 3 times a week when he starts school this year
• come along to nativity plays/summer fetes
• have DS for a sleepover every couple of weeks
• go to watch him at his football sessions every saturday
• be first call for any babysitting
• want to know everything about what they are involved in day to day
• essentially want to bring DC's up themselves!

Am I being unreasonable to 'manage' the time spent with them and to resist these extra request as he is utterly spoilt as I feel that if they spend more time with them they will feel this is the norm? DS is always asking to 'go to Nanny's' and yes I feel a bit 'arggh' about this but of course he wants to go there as its like going to Disney every time.

I am a very independant person and have lived away from my parents since the age of 18 (I am 40). My parents live over 5 hours away and when I had children I didnt think I would feel like I am co-raising them with DP's parents - I find this frustrating and wish PIL's had interests of their own othe than my DC's -

Hi OP, are you planning to have any more DC's? (I am also very independent and have learnt to get batter at accepting offers of help)...but what they have offered would be so helpful if you had another DC...

- pick DS up 3 times a week when he starts school this year: Good offer, if ever you were pg again this would be a godsend!

- come along to nativity plays/summer fetes: Normal/great imo, I'm quite gutted that my DC's grandparents are too far away to do this (school plays are usually first thing in the morning at DC's school)

- have DS for a sleepover every couple of weeks: I'd love this, great for having couple time...

- go to watch him at his football sessions every saturday: another godsend if ever you have other DC's to ferry about or are just too knackered to get up really early...

- be first call for any babysitting: and more

- want to know everything about what they are involved in day to day: I agree a bit claustrophobic!

- essentially want to bring DC's up themselves!: Needs clarification...you DO need to establish ground rules there, but you PIL's seem quite organised and communicative so might be responsive to listening to list of ground rules that you have pre-prepared.

I dont understand why going along to summer fetes etc is a problem either, they are usually functions for the general public, never mind family members to go to.

We took MIL to our granddaughters school fete this weekend. It was a bit of a washout, and £1.50 each to get in was bloody steep but we won a couple of bottles of wine on the tombola!

Yanbu I have similar issues with my own parents! And while I love the relationship they have with my DC, there are times when it can get a bit much. I would say no to regular pick ups at school, as you need to get to know teacher, other parents and deal with any problems, but have them named as someone who can pick up your DC or be contacted in an emergency as this may come in handy.
Yes to summer fetes (schools need as many people as possible there spending money!) Plays yes if there are enough tickets - some schools limit numbers, so there may only be enough for you and DH.
Nothing wrong with them watching football practice, unless spectators are discouraged in which case save the cheering squad for matches!
Could your DS ring them himself if he hasn't seen them for a few days to fill them in on what he's been up to. It's good to encourage their interest, but agree they don't need a breakdown of every meal and activity!
Yes to babysitting and occasional sleepovers, but probably best not to have a fixed arrangement of every third Saturday or whatever, as this will limit you a bit too much.

im a sahm and my mom does 2 school pickups a week for me because she asks to, it is fine and helpful.
most gps go to plays/sports days etc with the parents.
babysitting is always helpful.
i wouldnt want my dc going for sleepovers every few weeks because we try and keep weekends for the 4 of us as weeks are so hectic.
school hols are every 6 weeks so mom has dc for a couple of hours one day in hols, there isnt time in school weeks.
mostly what they are suggesting sounds fine and helpful to me, my ils also buy weekly presents and its annoying but i put up with it.

YANBU this is all a bit too much.

It may be nice for DGP to take your DD to collect her DB from school and stay over night. They would get a nice long visit and you get a break; I would love this. Think about a compromise that would suit you and please them.

I hate the toy thing. We don't see my ILs very much but every day is like a spoilt birthday. Drives me mad.

YANBU to want to manage the time a little.
They sound v v similar to my IL who absolutely adore my dc and would see them every day and be involved in every aspect of their lives given half the chance.
They also want to come to every activity, outing, and were desperate to do the childcare when i went back to work.
When dc go to theirs to visit my PIL also buy them a lot of toys, let them eat complete rubbish and ignore manners we are trying to instil.
Like you, i let a lot of this go- thats what gps are for! And i do realise I am lucky they care so much and that they want to be involved, and that my dc love them. I have lots of
envious friends who wish their in- laws were as engaged as mine.

However I have had to 'manage' the time as they did indeed start to overstep boundaries in terms of trying to be more like parents than gp.

For example, when dd1 was younger, MIL went to her nursery (i didn't accept the child care offer) when I was at work, and took her out without asking me- the first I knew about it was when I went to pick her up and she wasn't there. Mil was the emergency contact, but this does not mean she can take my daughter without my knowledge or checking with me first. She also used to also visit dd until staff told her not to.
She has also taken over both dd1 and dd2s birthdays. Inviting her own friends and distant family without discussing with me first and generally taking over.
One time dd2 was overtired and poorly and I didn't want mil taking her out late one afternoon when she phoned to ask- I politely told her that dd2 really needed to sleep and that I would prefer her to stay home but she could see her another time. Mil hit the roof, saying I was undermining her 'position as a grandmother' and then phoned dh telling him that am rude and difficult, undermining disrespectful bla bla!!! We talked about it at length to clear the air but she really does think that she can make decisions about our dc regardless of my view. Or dh's to a lesser extent.
She also got extremely upset that my sister is in our will to look after dc should something happen to both dh and I. She not only expected to be part of the decision- making but wanted to be guardian and didn't seem to respect that as parents this is something dh and I decided for many reasons together.

I could go on forever.

I had to cut back time to about once a week. The more they were involved the more they wanted to control things.

I also felt that every second of our spare time was spent with pil and we never actually spent much time as a family - always extended family. Gp are v important but so is being a strong immediate family.

Now I've put mil back in her place taken control and managed the frequency, relationships are getting better all round.

Sorry that was long!

Must be so hard

Yabu

When I was growing up my grandma was a right old misery, I envied my friends who had close loving relationships with their grandparents and got treats and stayed over.

YANBU,

if this is how you feel, this is how you feel, whilst you are indeed very very lucky, my goodness I say that as someone who only had once to three times a month help from in laws...once a week break is loads....let alone all the other offers from them. ..which would almost amount to full time care and you are not in full time work!

i dont see how you would be cutting your nose off as others have suggested to simply pull back a teeny tiny bit you will still be getting tons more help than most people.

My mother has passed away before DD born, father disabled lives up north cant help at all, in laws - we dont get on with - but would take DD if ask but house has unhealthy toxic environment.

I have been totally stuck, but family time with the three of us - is so precious right now and as much OF COURSE its GLORIOUS you have this wonderful resource/ help/relationship - children do grow up really fast and its your family and you have every right to have just a little bit of time to yourself as a family, in the nicest possible way!

i dont blame MIl in anyway for wanting more and more contact its your job to ease up a gentle barrier....her feelings may be hurt but once she has got over it still sees them loads you can all be hapy.

When I was growing up one set of grandparents died before I was 3, and the others lived 40 miles away so I only saw them once a month. I did get to go and stay with them in the holidays though which was great, but I also envied friends who had GPs locally who they saw almost daily.

They sound great! (But a bit suffocating if you're very independent.)

Still, overall I reckon you're lucky, and you'll probably not get much sympathy!

PlopButNOPudding when dd1 was younger, MIL went to her nursery (i didn't accept the child care offer) when I was at work, and took her out without asking me- the first I knew about it was when I went to pick her up and she wasn't there. . I was be furious with both MIL and Nursery.

try thinking about this from how is makes your kids feel, rather than how is makes you feel

that is all.

I think it is lovely that they want to be so involved.

The babysitting, the coming to fetes and plays I would welcome with open arms.
With school - why not ask MIL to collect him once a week and then he goes there for tea?
Sleepovers I would keep more ad hoc, because you don't want to be tied and having to cancel repeatedly when you want to do something else as a family.

But - maybe wait until your second is a bit older before you reject anything? My youngest is 15 months, and he is into everything and all over the place. I get very little time to focus on DS1 and I would LOVE to have some close family who I could lean on a little during the week just to oil the wheels a little.

YANBU and I think other posters are being a bit harsh. I have no help on either side and whilst I would LOVE to be able to have some at this level I would find it suffocating and I would find myself becoming resentful. I think the OP would be doing the right thing to set some boundaries to benefit everyone. PILs also need to get onboard with some level of discipline ? implementing same things as at home ? I see a friends little girl becoming increasingly difficult to manage at home due to a grandmother who completely undermines everything they are trying to instil at home. Yes grandparents are there to spoil ? but when it is constant like this I think it cannot work.

Eggrules I was annoyed with the nursery too, but they pointed out that I had put her down as one of 3 people 'authorised' to pick up dd. They didn't question it- just like if dh had picked her up they wouldn't.

well if it were me i'd use this as a chance for a really honest conversation - i'd say to MIL that if he were to go there three days a week after school then 'obviously' he can't get his favourite tea every time and a new toy and that really MIL would have to stop treating him so much and also ensure rules are followed and discipline (maybe even homework if it's 3x a week till teatime).

I would then offer MIL a choice of keeping granny time as a special time with favouite tea etc OR of spoiling the children less...

I think a good conversation about balance could come out of this and you can both be clear about what her role is 'fun, special treat ocassion granny' or 'regular childcare' as i don't think you can be both at the same time.

Haven't read the whole thread, but I have a MIL who can be overwhelming.

I deal with this by trying to put myself into her shoes - how would I feel if my boys get married and have children? How much involvement would I want?

I think a couple of times a week on a regular basis would be the maximum, but yes to special stuff, like school fayres.

I think YABU!!!!!!!!! realy YABU

How would you feel if they didnt give a damn and didnt want to see him at all,

they are not going to be around forever so dont take this time and relationship away from him,

i wish my MIL wanted to see her ONLY grandchild and the only one she is ever going to have but she doesnt give a fig!

Yabu, they sound love,y, kind and cari g. Of course they will want to be involved with their dgc. They don't sound I referring or horrid. If one day or week you dont want dgc to go, tell them it's a busy day or week this week. It's really sad I have read on here of grandparents who do not give a flying fuck about their grand kids. So really, be appreciative tat they love and care about them

OK so mixed feelings.

• pick DS up 3 times a week when he starts school this year I had in my head that I would agree to once a week as a compromise as also I need a back up so am looking at a childminder for the other 2 days although MIL has already said she wont take holidays in school term (some may say how thoughtful, I though cant help but see it as another way in which they would operate their lives around my DC's)

• come along to nativity plays/summer fetes

Ok perhaps I am being a precious over this

• have DS for a sleepover every couple of weeks

I still think this is too much, especially as they live so close

• go to watch him at his football sessions every saturday

they still watch their 32 yr old son play every saturday (pickin his wife on they wa) so why did I think they wouldnt want to want DS as well

• be first call for any babysitting

i'm not complaining about the offer just the suffocation they if I dared to ask anyone else to babysit and they found out they would be offended

• want to know everything about what they are involved in day to day

These days I let DP update them as he gives his dad a lift to work every day as they are working together at the moment. I just find it odd that they go on holiday and on the 2nd day they are texting us to see if DS enjoyed his day at legoland (this is just an example) but they want to know EVERYTHING and I get the impression if they cant answer a question on what class DS is in or whether DD sleeps through the night or how much milk she takes they feel they are missing out

• essentially want to bring DC's up themselves! They are the type of IL's who give them an inch and the take a mile - I just dont think its right that my PIL's should spend more time with my children than I/my partner does.

It does play on my mind as I dont want to appear mean in not letting them spend as much time as they want with their grandchildren but I just cant get my head around their desire to be so involved on a weekly basis

I don't think you'll really be able to get your head around it until you have your own grandchildren tbh.

You're completely within your rights to restrict contact to whatever you are comfortable with, but nothing you've said about your inlaws sounds unusual or unnatural or odd tbh.

If you need someone as backup 3 times a week then it's a little strange that you'd pay a childminder rather than let your mil do it if she wants. Are you a bit worried that your ds will become closer to your mil than he is to you? Because you know that's impossible don't you?

Well just set some boundaries, but preventing them coming to special events is mean, and I am glad you will not. They sound lovely, take them up on the help that the can offer and the rest a CM.

Imagine if you didn't have this support. Many of us have to do everything and don't get a minute to do anything. I would be over the moon if my PIL offered any kind of practical support - just the odd pick up from school, going to theirs for tea, taking them to the park on the occasional Saturday afternoon. It's simple - but mine don't offer a single thing!