to just ask

[annoyedaboutcake]

I'm honestly not bothered if the replies aren't PC either I just need pure honesty.

Someone I know is in their early 30s and is planning to have a child next year using a sperm donor as the father as they are not in a relationship. The person concerned has absolutely no support from wider family whatsoever, works full time and has no savings.

Do you think that this person is selfish?

It's not about being politically correct lovebunny, I believe what you say (as it is your field of expertise) that there is a shortage of white sperm donors in the UK.

But it's a huge leap, (and a racist assumption?) to assume that IF the OP is white, she would therefore (and because she is white) only want a white sperm donor!

Some fathers are more trouble than the children; they certainly aren't any help. And you don't always realise until you've already had the child that they're going to be like that. So rather than depriving the child, you might be doing it a big favour.

What would I say to a child who started to ask where its daddy was? I'd tell it the truth. Honesty best policy etc, especially if you want your own child to trust you. (Age appropriately of course.)

Looks like I'm in a tiny minority, but I think it's selfish.

You would be setting a child up for some degree of sadness for your own gain, and I don't see how that can be anything other than selfish. I know that all children are going to experience hardships in life over something, no matter how big and strong and loving the family they come from is, but to actively plan for a child to only have half the parenting they deserve is very selfish.

I had a lovng Dad who provided well for my Mum and I financially, but he wasn't in my life much, just because of circumstantial stuff. That will always be a source of sadness for me, and if my Mum had done that to me on purpose, I would feel quite resentful and lose a lot of respect for her. She did a great job being a single Mum, and not having a Dad around often didn't stop me becoming a happy and well adjusted adult. But as a child I was jealous of friends who have their Dads, I still am really.

Children deserve two parents more than any one person deserves to be a parent. While your needs are important OP, they are not more important than those of the child you could create. Sometimes children only have one parent because of stuff that can't be helped and it all ends happily, but sometimes it doesn't. If you can avoid doing that to a child, to another person, I believe you should.

Sorry.

nitpicker, hiphop. there's nothing wrong with women wanting babies of thier own skin tone. and nothing racist about knowing that its the sperm of white men that is in short supply.

well maybe a non-white person would like a white man's sperm for their child????

I don't think I'm nitpicking lovebunny. I think your statement "might need to go to Sweden if she's white" was at ill thought out.

No there is nothing wrong with anyone wanting to have a white, or half white baby. It's just you are making a lot of assumptions as to: the race of the OP, that if the OP is white she would of course want a white man's sperm for her child, and that woman of other racial backgrounds would not consider having a white sperm donor.

To me it just seems to be daft to bring colour/race into this. If anything why not say "if OP wants a white sperm donor she might have to go to Sweden". Don't you see there is a big difference?

Hi

Firstly, don't worry that I'm basing this on a few replies on here - I have been thinking about this for a good eighteen months and it's something I'm planning for a couple of years time.

I'm absolutely positive that I won't be meeting a man, so this really is my only chance to have a child of my own. What others think does matter to me, it shouldn't but it does, hence I asked on here. My view is what I can offer a child outweighs what I can't.

I'm so used to doing things alone and dealing with life's daily rubbish on my own I can't see me struggling from that POV but if I do I'll know to ask for help.

I've already looked into sperm donation and know the route I'll take when the time comes. :)

I don't think children need two parents. Why? It's horrible to lose a parent but if you didn't know them ever then it's fine.

If you can avoid doing that to a child, to another person, I believe you should.

my situation isn't the same as the op but it's just me and DD, I conceived her, carried her and gave birth to her knowing all she had was me, but if i hadn't done that she wouldn't exist with a loving mum and dad somewhere else, she wouldn't exist at all.

No.

Believing a child can only be happy in the mother and father family set up is absolute bollocks, especially in this day and age. If you can provide for it, give it love and attention, what's the problem?

My reaction is what business is it of yours?

She could just go out and have a series of 1 night stands and take a risk.

In other circumstances I would have considered a donor.

Whoops what business is it of anyone else's

My first reaction was no. Having said that she will have a tough job ahead of her, but if she puts her mind to it, there's no reason for it not to work out happily ever after.

It is not fine to not have a parent just because you never knew them at all!

What a bizarre thing to say. You still know you have missed out on something that by rights your should have. The biology that created you has to come from somewhere, it's not like there isn't going to be a 'father' out there somewhere. There will be, and the chid will naturally wonder about that person.

Children can cope without two parents, but it's far from ideal. If there was no need for two parents, nature wouldnt have created the need for two parents to exist before a child can be produced.

What you can offer a child might outweigh what you can't offer, but you will never know that for sure. You can't possibly know what this future child's needs are going to be. No parent can, but the least any parent can do is give their child the best chance possible of meeting those needs.

Oh just seen your last reply OP!

Sod it and go for it I think! The first 12 weeks are the hardest as you're learning what to do with the baby and the sleep deprivations hell! Go to antenatal classes and make friends with people, also try to join any antenatal excercise classes as the friends you make with babies will keep you sane, you need to know you're not alone! Save up as much money as you can now whilst you can and good luck!

I don't think this has anything to do with whether it will be tough for the Mother, she has a choice to take on that situation. A child has that choice forced upon them, and it's them that matters. Not how much help the mother gets.

out of interest then, outraged (and yes I agree freddos are ridiculously overpriced!) would you say the same about a lesbian couple?

i know, for example, many of my school friends live chaotic lives, they fall in and out of relationships, they don't work and they move from one unsuitable partner from the next.

by contrast, my DD lives in a stable home in a 'nice' area, she will have all her financial needs met, she is and will be loved and cherished from the day of her birth to whichever of us dies first, hopefully me. I'd love to give her a sibling but if I do I'll have to look into the donation route. I don't see it as my job to meet her every need, but to meet the ones I can and help her deal with the ones I can't. :)

I would say a lesbian couple is still providing two parents, and it would be good for their child for them to do their best to ensure there was a male role model an influence in their life too. If they did that, then they are truly doing their best o provide everything that their child is likely to need, so good luck to them.

There is a chance I am projecting my own experience too much into this conversation, as I'm sure it will affect the opinion I have. And I don't want to say anything that would offend or upset you. But I was brought up in a very nice area, had more than all my financial needs met. So did my Mum, she didn't work until I left home at 17 because my Dad provided so well for us financially. I had a loving Gran, lots of Aunts, Uncles and cousins on my Mums side who I saw regularly. But I still spent my childhood wishing I had my Dad around. I still felt jealous every time I went round to my best friends house and she sat on her Dads lap, or he brought her something home from his office.

There was, and always will be a gap in my life where my Dad should be. Personally, I could never intentionally inflict those feelings on a child. They cannot be wiped away by love from other family members, it just doesn't work like that.

possibly but then, would you have rather not existed at all :) as really that's the choice isn't it? I could have had a termination but chose to go ahead with the pregnancy, and I'm worse than you in many ways, I have no siblings to be aunties or uncles to the child, no parents to be doting grandmas and grandads, just me.

Outraged - but you surely can't say that you would rather not have been born. That is the position of the OPs future child. OP has made it quite clear she will not meet someone. She wants to be a mother, she wants to provide a child a life and a loving one at that. The child wouldn't exist without her making this decision. Life and the chance to experience it is the greatest gift of all (absent an abusive childhood which is not the case here).

Sorry I haven't had chance to read all this by to reply to the original post: no. If she were planning to go out have a one night stand and get pregnant then that would be different but using a proper clinic no I don't think so at all. Any child would be able to contact the sperm donor at 18 and would be very much loved and wanted.

Now that I have children of my own, of course I wouldn't say that I would rather not have existed.

Before they came along, it wouldnt really matter if I existed or not, I'm sure the world would tick along nicely without me.

Terminations can't come into it. The baby already exists then. There is a huge difference between continuing with a pregnancy that already exists and creating one that doesn't yet exist, and will only exist because of a particular planned set of actions.

I know OP wants to be a mother, but what she wants isn't really important IMO. What the child would want is important, and I think pretty much all children would want two loving parents rather than one if they had any say in the matter.

You can't give a gift to something or someone that doesn't exist.

Anyway, I'm clearly in the minority with my opinion on this, and my own experience will be having a big impact on my opinion, so feel free to ignore it completely OP.

There is a huge difference between continuing with a pregnancy that already exists and creating one that doesn't yet exist, and will only exist because of a particular planned set of actions.

but if you have sex and it isn't protected, you know there is a good chance it will result in a pregnancy? also I agree two loving parents are the ideal, but I grew up with two parents, neither of whom were loving - I'd rather have just had one parent who loved me :)

Yes, a little bit.

But no more selfish than a couple who have a child they can't afford to support, or a couple who have a child knowing their relationship is shaky, or a couple who have a child when one or both of them are quite old or ill and so unlikely to live into the child's adulthood, or a couple with disabilities who won't be able to do lots of activities with the child, or a couple who have a child when one of them is away from home a lot, or a couple who have a child when one of them is an alcoholic or abusive etc etc ...

There are many many people who have a child in less than the "ideal" scenario. Either we say that everyone should wait until the "perfect" time to have children (in which case the human race would swiftly die out), or we accept that in most scenarios it is better for the child to exist even with these "disadvantages" than not exist at all.

Perhaps most children would prefer two parents. But I am sure most children would also say that if they were brought up in a stable loving home they would far rather experience the gift of life than not. Your arguments are the ones regularly trotted out by the ante donor conception lobby. But ethical studies conclude that the chance to experience life for any child outweighs the other perceived disadvantages of parenthood (older post menopausal parents, same sex parents, single parents whether male or female).