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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to just ask

158 replies

annoyedaboutcake · 07/07/2012 13:41

I'm honestly not bothered if the replies aren't PC either Grin I just need pure honesty.

Someone I know is in their early 30s and is planning to have a child next year using a sperm donor as the father as they are not in a relationship. The person concerned has absolutely no support from wider family whatsoever, works full time and has no savings.

Do you think that this person is selfish?

OP posts:
Original poster
annoyedaboutcake · 08/07/2012 12:09

?? doggie ??

OP posts:
doggiemumma · 08/07/2012 17:27

Well, maybe if you were really this womans friend you would be supportive? Rather than come on here and spout bollocks about her being selfish for bringing a child into the world without a man! As for "and she will be putting a child in childcare while she goes to work" Biscuit I think you will find that many many married women do this too, some through choice some beccause finances dictate them must. So yeah, with friends like you, she don't need enemies does she.

perplexedpirate · 08/07/2012 17:55

'Deprived of a father'?! You think it's better that a child is deprived of a life then?
That children without fathers shouldn't be alive?
Maybe I should have been euthanised when my father fucked off? Just to neaten things up for you?

Reverse AIBU or not, this casual slagging of single parent children as second class citizens makes my blood boil. Angry

BigHairyFlowers · 08/07/2012 18:53

Exactly, perplexed. Wine

Doggie, perhaps you should re-read the thread.

WhosPickleisThatOnion · 08/07/2012 19:00

No! Good luck Grin

watermargin · 08/07/2012 19:00

to be fair there is a massive difference between planning to be a single parent and being a single parent because of circumstances, I think both are fine but I do think that they are different.

KittyFane1 · 08/07/2012 20:11

No. You are not being selfish.
Those who are selfish pop out children and then make little no effort to love, care for and respect them.

KittyFane1 · 08/07/2012 20:12

Litte or no

Back2Two · 08/07/2012 20:16

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn due to privacy concerns

Back2Two · 08/07/2012 20:18

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn due to privacy concerns

perplexedpirate · 08/07/2012 20:23

Thanks big. Sloo.

Tbh, what with the deceitful premise in the OP, the goading to say nasty things about some parents situations (to which almost nobody rose-hoorah!), the little drop of racist on the first page and the Hmm faces throughout, this is a thoroughly unpleasant thread.

rollingfog143 · 08/07/2012 20:26

what will you say when your child asks why they don't have a daddy? When they ask who is my daddy, why isn't he here?

NowThenWreck · 08/07/2012 20:40

No more selfish than anyone having kids...BUT:
I do this alone (not thru planning it, just circumstance) and it is hard. I do have support, and it's still hard at times.

Every worry will be yours. Every bill, every parenting decision, every sleepless night.
Every nappy, every tantrum. When you get home from work, there will be no downtime. The baby might not sleep well. Tough. You will have to keep going.
Every explosive D/V episode will be yours to deal with alone. If you can't get a babysitter,no more social life.

It's a recipe for PND, frankly, and I would not say don't. Just talk to lone parents, and consider really carefully.

doggiemumma · 08/07/2012 21:27

Oh, ooops, sorry OP, but thats what happens when you do reverse AIBU!!!

I have a friend who had a baby by AI, everyone thought she was MAD! But she now has a lovely little girl and their relationship is very special, almost due to the exclusion of a man. This woman is a professional who is able to work nights and has good parents who do the childcare so is lucky in those respects. However knowing my friend, she would have made this happen any which way and it is lovely to see her and her daughter together.

SecretPlace · 08/07/2012 21:34

Yes.

Krumbum · 09/07/2012 11:49

She will get maternity leave. A lot of couples put kids into nursery when they don't even need to, so what's the difference?
I don't think it matters about the father.

rollingfog143 · 09/07/2012 13:39

Well the child may beg to differ, krum, and think his/her father matters very much.

doggiemumma · 09/07/2012 14:26

My child has never met her father, his choice not ours - she is perfectly happy thankyou very much.

Trills · 09/07/2012 14:27

Based on the information you have given in the OP they may or may not be selfish.

Jiggleballs123 · 09/07/2012 14:32

Wtf is a 'normal family life?'

This lady and her child will be a normal family.

Trills · 09/07/2012 14:35

You can see that MNers will be on your side to give anyone who calls you selfish a good tongue-lashing!

NutellaNutter · 09/07/2012 14:37

Yes I do think it is selfish. Sorry.

Jiggleballs123 · 09/07/2012 14:51

Ah a reverse aibu.

I am slightly worried that you would base such a serious decison on a few replies on here. I know your decision won't be solely based on that but you seemed very happy at peoples responses.

I'm a single parent and my child father has no involvement. It's hard at times, you need some support from somewhere. Being a single parent can also be very lonely. Childcare is expensive, they get sick and can't go, is your work flexible enough to accommodate this? You will probably meet someone at some point and want to go out on dates, will you have someone to babysit for you? Are you sure you won't resent your baby if in 4 years you meet the right guy and didn't wait to have a baby with him? I'm not trying to be negative but these are all things to consider.

I know how strong the ruge to have a baby is when you know you're ready it's overwhelming. Having a baby is wonderful and can be very rewarding. Children are great fun and can be great company. Being a arent can also be very sociable and you are bound to make friends with other parents. Apart from childcare children aren't terribly expensive and babies don't need a lot. Your child won't necessarily be without a father you could meet a lovely man, but if you don't it's not the worst thing in the world.

Ultimately though you need to be sure and do it for you, it doesn't really matter what anyone else thinks, as a single parent you will experience negativity and will notice it more so imo you need a thick skin.

Good luck with it all.

lovebunny · 11/07/2012 21:00

HipHopOpotomus Sat 07-Jul-12 14:10:38
lovebunny "might need to go to Sweden if she's white" ??!!! FFS
it's part of what i teach, so i have to check websites regularly - there is a significant shortage of white donor males in the u k due to the change of rules on offspring's right to know their biological parents. many u k women who want white babies are having to get sperm in sweden.
you may not find it politically correct, but its happening.

AKE2012 · 11/07/2012 21:37

Jiggle said almost exactly what i was going to say. I am a single mother (not throught choice). DDs dad has no involvement and i dont feel like i am depriving her of a dad as she has a lot of family around her.

OP do you realise the everyday reality of looking after a child or are you just thinking that you want a child.

You need some sort of support to be a single mother. Regarding holidays, sickness, work, and when your child gets older and starts asserting themselves and think that they know better so dont listen to you but will listen to someone else repeating exactly what you said in the first place.

Aside from all of that. Being a parent is also wonderful.

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