to just ask

[annoyedaboutcake]

I'm honestly not bothered if the replies aren't PC either I just need pure honesty.

Someone I know is in their early 30s and is planning to have a child next year using a sperm donor as the father as they are not in a relationship. The person concerned has absolutely no support from wider family whatsoever, works full time and has no savings.

Do you think that this person is selfish?

Jeezy - that's right yes, sperm does cost money but it's fairly cheap (relatively speaking.) I am in a fairly well-paid job (around £40000 p/a) but my savings are tied up in property just now. So while I'm not penniless I can't easily access my money if you see what I mean. I do have a nice home that belongs to me which is good. In many ways I know I've got a lot more than some parents-to-be and they manage. Hopefully i'll save up enough to have 12 months on maternity leave - might as well make the most of it!

annoyed if you own your own home and have savings tied up in property you are officially and 100% less 'selfish' than me and H, who live not-quite-hand-to-mouth and have 1 kid and plan 1 more!

I remember saying to my (ultra-traditional and quite sexist) Mum when I was in my twenties "If I haven't found a man I want to marry by the time I'm 30-ish I'm just going to have a baby." and she said "Good plan, you don't want to miss out on being a Mum." .... sex before marriage is wrong according to Mum, but missing out on babies is the greatest sin of all!

What I'm saying is, you might be surprised by how supportive people are. I'm 32 and a couple of my best mates from Uni are single. If they said to me that they were planning to do what you're planning to do, I'd back them all the way. And give then oodles of 2nd hand baby clothes! :)

Thank you so much blackcurrants, that means a lot!

Yes I do. So nuke me, it's how I feel.

Yes, but we are all a bit selfish having DCs.

She is nothing like as selfish as a woman who doesn't have the courage to abort an unwanted child.

PomBear I've no intention of nuking you but I'd really like to know why.

It's not a perfect situation.

She is not selfish, sounds like she really wants this child which is different in my opinion.

Hope she is fully aware of how much you need support when you are pregnant and have a child, but she'll probably meet lots of mums (and other single mums) at antenatal classes and playgroups.

You may want to be supportive.

No

Just read the whole thread now!!!
At least you got my real opinion :-)
Good luck!

I definitely would of done that had my circumstances been different. I did consider it at one point. Not selfish at all. As long as the child is loved and cared for, then that's all that matters.
Good luck op.

As selfish as the next parent, which is probably not very selfish as all. Wanting kids is a really natural instinctive thing for many. An animal urge!

If I was that child I would think I was desperately wanted by my mum. Male role models can be all about the child - as swimming teachers, teachers, friends, in clubs etc ..

To do it will take balls but it is something I would have done myself if I hadn't met DH.

Where?

I am going to go against the grain and say you are being selfish to a certain extent.

You are still young. Do you not want to have a partner at some point in the future and have a family with them?

Supposing you meet that person in the next couple of years AFTER you have had a child with a sperm donor.

How will that child feel if it then has siblings who DO have a dad? If I were that child, I am not sure sure how I would feel.

Having a child without any family support will be hard. Very hard, and possibly lonely too.

You are an adult, perfectly capable of making your own decisions without the approval of family or anyone else. Good luck to you :)

Good luck to you, annoyedaboutcake. From what I can see you are planning to bring a child into the world motivated by pure love, and I can't see that there would be very many reasons to trump that.

Good luck OP, your DC will have a far better future than the dear little girl playing with my DD as I type.
Her young mother left her with extended family who keep look after her basic needs and love her in their way, but she is not their child. They have lives and problems of their own, she is not the centre of their world as your DC will be the centre of yours.

Keep her safe (in their somewhat relaxed way)

squeakytoy I won't meet a partner, that's pretty much certain, so if that's the only objection ... I'm not that young either. I'll be 34 when the baby is born.

I can't do much about no family support. I desperately want my OWN family.

I made the "mistake" of falling in love with and sleeping with a man once, not knowing he had a DP and two children. I became pregnant and had my DD last week, it's early days but I'm able to provide for her and I'll just have to do the best I can by her, good luck

Kids adapt fairly well. My DD doesn't have a father figure in her life, but she isn't losing out because of it, in fact I do everything in my power to give my children a happy, normal childhood, because the fact is that I don't believe I can have a healthy relationship and I want to put my children first and have chosen to back off of any form of dating.

The fact that their childhood is filled with love, learning, activity, friendships, school and close family, rather than instability, abuse, violence and fear is a massive improvement on what I had, so I think I do a pretty good job,

well said rabbits!

Thanks. I do wonder if the negative comments are motivated because people imagine themselves doing it alone with the absence then of a partner they presumably love and respect. I don't have that and I never have so I won't miss it. Hard to say really, though.

Well, with friends like you...............