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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to just ask

158 replies

annoyedaboutcake · 07/07/2012 13:41

I'm honestly not bothered if the replies aren't PC either Grin I just need pure honesty.

Someone I know is in their early 30s and is planning to have a child next year using a sperm donor as the father as they are not in a relationship. The person concerned has absolutely no support from wider family whatsoever, works full time and has no savings.

Do you think that this person is selfish?

OP posts:
JollyGoodFun · 07/07/2012 14:12

So the only people that are allowed to have children are couples who are happily married, have a house and savings, have enough money that one parent can be a sahp and have plenty of family support?

GrahamTribe · 07/07/2012 14:13

I hope to god that this person, if she exists, doesn't consider you a friend annoyedaboutcake. In fact, seeing that you're so convinced that you're right I hope that you'll tell the woman exactly what you've said here - including the "deprived" bit and that you consider that the child won't have a "normal" life. Hmm At least that way the woman will be able to tell you to piss off and dump you from her life.

JollyGoodFun · 07/07/2012 14:13

Cross posted. That was a naughty aibu! Good luck :)

NarkedRaspberry · 07/07/2012 14:14

Anyone using a donor raises certain issues. In this case the child would have no father, but there are thousands of children out there that were not wanted by their fathers. A sperm donor makes a deliberate, conscious choice to create life. This would be a very wanted child.

AliceHurled · 07/07/2012 14:14

Ah that's a relief. Good luck with it.

JeezyPeeps · 07/07/2012 14:14

Oh wow, I didn't see that coming! Good luck, I hope it works well for you!

GrahamTribe · 07/07/2012 14:14

X posted! Blush Well, there you go, annoyed, you can be sure that I don't think you're being selfish! Grin And, if anyone does slate you, tell the cunt to piss off and dump them! Grin

Some0ne · 07/07/2012 14:15

To be honest, she sounds like she's willing to sacrifice far more than someone who does it as part of a couple. It must be a lot harder not to have someone to share the hard bits!

I know someone in this situation, and I find it terribly sad that she's probably going to be deprived of the joy of having kids just because she hasn't met the right man. It's not fair at all.

Mrsjay · 07/07/2012 14:15

TSK @ you i was all het up thinking oh get her what is she like Angry Grin

that is very naughty of you ,

Westcountrylovescheese · 07/07/2012 14:16

Good luck! Grin

NarkedRaspberry · 07/07/2012 14:16

Oh. OK. Good luck!

GrahamTribe · 07/07/2012 14:17

Hey, one more thing - good luck, smartass! Grin

blackcurrants · 07/07/2012 14:18

Nope.

I work FT. DS goes into childcare and had to from 6 weeks old (no maternity leave here in USA). Am I selfish?
If DH died and I was then a single mother whose child was in childcare, would I then be selfish?
Oh, and I have no savings either. Does that make me extra selfish?

I'm just wondering which bits make me selfish: the wanting to be a mother (yep!) the working full time (yep, like having food on the table) the single part (as long as DH drives safely I'm ok there, so maybe I'm not selfish, maybe I'm a bloody saint) or the no savings part... so hard to know!

Incidentally, DH also works full time (selfish!) has a child in childcare (SELFISH!) and is one fatal accident away from being a single parent (SELFISH!) and has NO savings (SELFISH FUCKER!). I suspect, though, that if anything happened to make him a single parent with a child in childcare and no savings, he'd be considered a saint of some kind, not selfish at all.

Women are always to blame somehow, aren't we? Selfish, selfish caaaahs that we are.

Have a Biscuit, OP. My very first on MN!

JollyGoodFun · 07/07/2012 14:18

And if you need any support or advice you know mn is here for you!

Original poster
annoyedaboutcake · 07/07/2012 14:18

I am SO relieved, honestly, seriously, I want a child more than anything and if (because it's that straightforward, as we all know ;) ) my first attempt is successful, I will have the baby in May 2014 when I will be 33, but more likely it'll take a few "tries" so I'll probably be 34 when the baby is born.

I just keep thinking - am I being selfish - I have no family whatsoever and obviously no partner!

OP posts:
Original poster
annoyedaboutcake · 07/07/2012 14:21

Blackcurrants, that's such an interesting point as well. I do feel sorry for men in some ways though as at least being a female lone parent I have the option of doing something about it. It's just now that it's twelve months until I start trying I'm getting all wibbly. The main one is What Will People Say Grin I know I shouldn't care but I do, sort of!

OP posts:
blackcurrants · 07/07/2012 14:22

Lol just realised I hadn't pressed 'refresh' before I hit 'post' - good luck, OP.

Most of us are only 2 disasters away from being a broke single parent. People manage. It's extremely, extremely hard work and I imagine even harder on your own - but people do it every day. And it's lovely, too. :)

NarkedRaspberry · 07/07/2012 14:22

A child that's deeply wanted is a lucky child. And you have time to save and to build up a support network - a lot of MNers don't have family support but friends can be just a good.

Mrsjay · 07/07/2012 14:22

good luck with it Smile you will need some moral support though as it can be a bit lonely (for you ) sometimes but you have thought it all through

Original poster
annoyedaboutcake · 07/07/2012 14:24

I do have fab friends :) It's hard because on the one hand I'm used to doing everything alone anyway - on the other everyone says it's really hard and I do feel a bit Shock about what would happen if I couldn't cope. I could hardly put the baby back ... but I suppose I'd just have to!

OP posts:
blackcurrants · 07/07/2012 14:27

annoyed you could probably start saving now, here and there. And actually, you don't need to buy much for babies, you'll be amazed by what you DON'T need. Childcare will be your biggest expense for the next 5 years, mind. That is the kind of thing you save for. Get a cot, changing table and whatnot at Ikea, they're cheap and very good. :) Good luck.

Maryz · 07/07/2012 14:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

suburbandream · 07/07/2012 14:32

Can I just ask, you say you have no savings but presumably you have to pay for the sperm donation process? I have a friend who went through several rounds of IVF, firstly on the NHS and then privately (unsuccessfully unfortunately) and it is a huge emotional upheaval, I'm glad to hear you have friends who can support you.

NarkedRaspberry · 07/07/2012 14:33

It's fine to do things on your own. One of the biggest things a support network does is just existing IYSWIM. Knowing that there are people at the end of the phone if you need to talk. Knowing that if it all gets too much and you haven't slept in weeks that there is someone who will take the baby for a few hours so you can rest. Sometimes simply knowing that the help is there is enough - you don't actually need to call.

JeezyPeeps · 07/07/2012 14:34

Ivf is a much more involved procedure. All you need for a sperm donation a sperm and a turkey baster...