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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think if people are having a pay bar they should say so on invite?

855 replies

GlassofRose · 06/07/2012 10:40

I'm going to a wedding next week and my partner is the best man. The couple have been a bit funny with partner this year being very pedantic over what he can and can't write in his speech to the point he told them to write it for them. He's also been in trouble with the bride for getting the groom drunk on his stag night (a whole month before the wedding). They also originally didn't invite me, then invited me to evening only (I'll be travelling up there the night before with my partner so would have been twiddling thumbs in hotel till evening) until my partner asked for me to be invited properly.

I asked my partner to ask if it was a pay bar or free bar as I just had an inkling these two are having a wedding they can't really afford although there was no mention of it on the invite. The reply he got from groom was "Of course it's a pay bar we're paying for the wedding...

Either way, Do you think if guests are expected to be paying for their own drink it should be mentioned on the invite?

OP posts:
Springforward · 06/07/2012 14:03

YABU.

UnexpectedItemInShaggingArea · 06/07/2012 14:06
Grin

They'd have to give the men free budgie-smugglers to be fair to them.

Original poster
GlassofRose · 06/07/2012 14:06

I think this idea of a free bar being a must have just adds more pressure to the 'things you must have at your wedding' crap and leads to people getting into debt and massively overspending on what is supposed to be a celebration. If my friends and family thought I was cheap for not paying for their drinks all night, when they were meant to be there to celebrate with us, then they are arseholes.

I suppose that is one way of looking at it.

Personally I think the introduction of the free bar is result of the list of crap you 'must have at your wedding'.

When people spend thousands on a dress and bits to stick in the middle of the table, oodles on flowers and wire hangers shaped into "Mrs insert name" and photo booths, humongous cakes, cake pops etc. then asking somebody to pay for their own drinks is kind of a way of having everything they want at their wedding that they can't afford.

Obviously some people see it as natural as having to pay for their drinks so B&G are free to spend whatever a pay bar would cost on wedding extras.

Personally, I think weddings are nicer when they are about the ceremony and celebration amongst family and friends rather than elaborate extras that cost a bomb.

Each to their own

OP posts:
ICutMyFootOnOccamsRazor · 06/07/2012 14:08

I've done my fair share of the wedding rounds and have also never been to a wedding with a pay bar.

I think it might have been useful to say so on the invite, especially if the reception's not in reach of a cash point.

It was pretty odd of them not to invite you to the whole wedding.

crashdoll · 06/07/2012 14:17

I think it's a cultural thing. I'm Jewish and I've only ever been to weddings (and lots of them!) with a free bar. My cousin who married a non-Jew had a pay bar and my grandma made tutting noises but obviously not to her face!

Hownoobrooncoo · 06/07/2012 14:18

I'm finding it pretty hard to believe that folk have been to lots of weddings (in the UK) which are all free bar, not saying they are telling porkies but, ahem...

valiumredhead · 06/07/2012 14:20

What are you saying then How? Confused

Hownoobrooncoo · 06/07/2012 14:22

And I would rather pay for my own drinks (other than the usual wine/toast etc at the meal) as I wouldn't feel restricted or guilty at the cost a free bar would be to people whom I care about.

if you are hiring out a hall or having the do in your garden then easy to provide cheap drinks. Many weddings now are in venues and hotels etc where you can't bring your own cheap booze.

OhCobblers · 06/07/2012 14:24

How whats hard to believe about going to a wedding reception in a marquee in the garden of the bride's family, where you're given champagne and canapes on arrival, wine with your lunch/dinner and bottles of wine on a table that you help yourself to during the dancing.

AmberLeaf · 06/07/2012 14:25

Someone just said imagine if a free bar became customary (or words to that effect)

Actually a free bar is customary! A pay bar is a newer thing. Proper wedding/host etiquette is that you feed and water your guests.

MrJasc IME I have been to mainly free bar weddings, all my family/extended family ones were free bars. My family is working class, some of whom have 'done well for themselves' not rich but much better off than their parents were. A mixture of white british and black british (jamaican originally). Not particularly religeous.

The general consensus is that if you had a pay bar you would be considered tight, not necessarily that you couldn't afford it just tight.

Children expected to attend too!

In contrast I've been to weddings where I know they have spent 15k on the sit down meal, more on an evening buffet but had a pay bar. Tbh I'd rather have had food at £50 per head and a free bar!

But maybe I'm just a pisshead.

valiumredhead · 06/07/2012 14:27

Many weddings now are in venues and hotels etc where you can't bring your own cheap booze

Well imo you cut your coat according to your cloth ( or whatever the saying is!)

Original poster
GlassofRose · 06/07/2012 14:28

How

I don't see why anybody would tell porkies about it - What would they stand to gain from doing so?

OP posts:
Hownoobrooncoo · 06/07/2012 14:30

Cobblers I can believe that, as it's someones garden. I'm finding it hard to believe that folk are saying they have been to lots of weddings and they are all free bars. Do they all frequent the Queen Vic where it's a plate of sarnies and cheap lambrusco on tap or do they only go to high society dos.

I've been to many different weddings - Posh, simple, huge and small. Some might have had drinks provided but majority were buy your own apart from the usual wine and toasts provided.

Hownoobrooncoo · 06/07/2012 14:31

Oh people tell porkies all the time - even on Mn.

valiumredhead · 06/07/2012 14:32

How you do realise that not everyone has exactly the same life as you, don't you? And just because you have no experience of it, it doesn't mean it doesn't happen Hmm

usualsuspect · 06/07/2012 14:33

I just think I live in a different world to most MNetters TBH.

quoteunquote · 06/07/2012 14:33

How odd to not invite you properly, if you are the OH of the best man,

I've only been to one wedding which had a paid bar, caught everyone by surprise , people dashing off to cash points,

I would of thought it wise to warn people if they are going to need extra cash.

BackforGood · 06/07/2012 14:36

I'm with the majority - been to dozens and dozens of weddings over the years and have never heard of a free bar (in this country) , except when it gets mentioned on MN.
It would never in a million years occur to me that you wouldn't have to get your own drinks, with the possible exception of if it were held somewhere there wasn't a bar (Church Hall maybe or someone's garden / field) in which case I would still realise there was the possibility of a temporary bar being brought in.

Hownoobrooncoo · 06/07/2012 14:37

Well as the majority of people have said that they expect a pay bar as norm (these days) then it is very unusual for folk to have been to lots of weddings they all happen to be free bar - don't ya think?

Original poster
GlassofRose · 06/07/2012 14:37

Valiumredhead

That's a phrase I'm familiar with. The other one I'd use is
Champagne taste on Beer money.

How

I've been to wedding reception in function rooms, in hotels, stately type homes and few in back garden of family. A few had buffet food but not cheap shit Queen Vic Style.

I suppose we actually have Champagne taste on Beer money ourselves... but we haggle on prices or hunt stuff down for cheap. Visit wholesalers, costco etc.

My family certainly aren't rich people, they live within their means.

OP posts:
Original poster
GlassofRose · 06/07/2012 14:39

Howno

No, I don't find it unusual hence why I started the thread. Pay bars are a new thing, as is people paying for their own weddings. Brides family would have been previously responsible... but then again wedding never use to feature all the extras they do now.

OP posts:
valiumredhead · 06/07/2012 14:40

I would much rather invite 6 people to my wedding and pay for everything than 600 and make them pay for their own drinks. The whole idea make me curl my toes.

OhCobblers · 06/07/2012 14:40

When you're all talking about a "free bar" do you mean that in the sense of an actual bar where you can drink what you like (within reason, ie, beer, wine, etc) in a hotel or pub; or do you mean a wedding reception in any venue, ie, hotel, garden marquee, castle, stately home where the waiting staff have a trays and trays of (free) drinks all day/evening??

usualsuspect · 06/07/2012 14:42

I would rather pay for my own drinks than make the bride and groom feel bad about not being able to afford to supply all the drinks.

valiumredhead · 06/07/2012 14:43

Both ohcobblers if I was getting married again I would expect to pick up the bill from the bar or supply drinks another way like the idea of staff Wink