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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think if people are having a pay bar they should say so on invite?

855 replies

GlassofRose · 06/07/2012 10:40

I'm going to a wedding next week and my partner is the best man. The couple have been a bit funny with partner this year being very pedantic over what he can and can't write in his speech to the point he told them to write it for them. He's also been in trouble with the bride for getting the groom drunk on his stag night (a whole month before the wedding). They also originally didn't invite me, then invited me to evening only (I'll be travelling up there the night before with my partner so would have been twiddling thumbs in hotel till evening) until my partner asked for me to be invited properly.

I asked my partner to ask if it was a pay bar or free bar as I just had an inkling these two are having a wedding they can't really afford although there was no mention of it on the invite. The reply he got from groom was "Of course it's a pay bar we're paying for the wedding...

Either way, Do you think if guests are expected to be paying for their own drink it should be mentioned on the invite?

OP posts:
YouOldSlag · 06/07/2012 13:20

The number of weddings without a pay bar far outweigh those with, IME. The ones with pay bars are usually where the groom has lots of football club mates coming along...

What a ridiculous and untrue generalisation.

IME, every wedding I have been to (including my own) was sherry on arrival, wine with meal, fizz for toasts, then buy your own drinks. Not a football club person in sight at any of them...

OhCobblers · 06/07/2012 13:24

OP I've read most of the thread and from the beginning thought you were absolutely NOT unreasonable!!!!

I picked up immediately on that stage do business so already the bride is a bit barking IMHO Grin and i don't believe your DH should be paying for suit hire as i consider that cost to be part of bridesmaid dresses, etc, which i would have paid for if my wedding. Utterly rude not to have invited you to the whole thing from the word go.

Re pay bar. I've been to at least 25 weddings over the years. One of them had a pay bar but only in the evening. It was in a hotel and a buffet was provided for that part of the reception. Lunch and booze at the reception straight after the wedding paid for by brides family. However the majority of weddings had the reception at home in a marquee/barn/hired venue so perhaps that makes a difference as presumably those who have been to pay bar weddings have been in a hotel?? Also AFAIK you can't sell booze in a hired venue/marquee without holding a licence??

I think its fine to have a pay bar but yes definitely it should be detailed on the wedding "insert", partciularly as hotel prices are quite different and your guests need to have that kind of "financial" info upfront in my opinion.

We paid for our own wedding and bought enough booze based on a 1/2 bottle of champagne per person and a bottle of wine per person - we had 130 guests (thankfully SOR booze)!! Would have been thrilled if my father had wanted to pick up the tab for that!!!

givemeaclue · 06/07/2012 13:25

...don't forget that the best man needs to be very generous in buying people drinks OP

YABU expecting bar details to be communicated in advance

they were unreasonable not to invite you, your dp was unreasonable to insist that you were invited to meal - being best man doesn't give you licence to dictate the guest list

have a great time!

OhCobblers · 06/07/2012 13:26

sorry stag

talkingnonsense · 06/07/2012 13:27

I think it's down to venue- pay bar common at a hotel where drinks prices likely to be v high. Free booze if in marquee/ village hall/ etc. I've been to mostly free but a couple of pay bar weddings- enjoyed them all.

valiumredhead · 06/07/2012 13:28

I don't like paying bars, just doesn't sit right with me but that's probably because I was brought up abroad and things are different.

Imo, you invite as many people as you can afford to feed and water all night.

It wouldn't occur to me to bring money to a wedding, so I can imagine getting caught out so yes, definitely ought to be on the invitation or made very clear somewhere along the line.

usualsuspect · 06/07/2012 13:30

Your real friends wouldn't care if they had to buy their own drinks.They would just be happy to share your day.

YouOldSlag · 06/07/2012 13:30

Good point cobblers- the venue of the wedding often affects whether it's a pay bar or not. If it was at home or in a garden then I would expect booze to be laid on, but most weddings I have been to have been in hotels and therefore have been pay bars.

To be honest, if the B and G are paying for a sherry, 2 or 3 glasses of wine with lunch and a glass of fizz, that's plenty!. After that they would just be paying for you to get pissed and forget the best bits of their day.

Incidentally, my BIL got so pissed at my wedding (pay bar) he puked down himself and fell into a table full of people. If I'd had the bill for his drink that night I would have been very pissed off!

anyadvice01 · 06/07/2012 13:33

Expecting a free meal, and drinks with meal is reasonable, expecting someone else to pay for you to be at the bar all night is unreasonable.

Shakey1500 · 06/07/2012 13:34

YABU. Where are these weddings with a free bar?? I've never been to one. Eitherway, if there's no mention of bar arrangements on the invite (do people do this?) I'd take enough funds to pay for drinks and if it turned out to be a free bar I'd take it as a bonus.

And probably spend the entire evening mentioning how this was the first time I'd experienced it Grin

HeadfirstForHalos · 06/07/2012 13:35

I've never been to a wedding with a free bar either. YABU about the free bar, but not about not being invited to the day bit when your dh is best man.

YouOldSlag · 06/07/2012 13:36

Agreed anyadvice.

I think's it's wrong to expect the B and G to fund all the guests getting pissed. If it becomes the norm, nobody will ever be able to afford to get married.

A few drinks and toast is plenty! If you want to get pissed at a wedding, you should pay for the extra yourself.

On everything else OP, I think your friends are barking. But YABU for expecting them to say it's a pay bar on invites.

GnomeDePlume · 06/07/2012 13:37

I think the problem I am seeing is this whole need for the wedding to be massive and last into the night. When DH & I got married (admittedly Noah was on the guest list) it was far less common to have an evening reception as well as a day time reception.

We got married, our guests had lunch at a restaurant and were wined for the whole of the meal without stint (DF hated rationed wine!). At the end in the middle of the afternoon they went home/did their own thing.

EasilyBored · 06/07/2012 13:40

But you end up having to budget about £50 a head for a pay bar (drinking from 4 to midnight, about £5 or £6 minimum per drink cause wedding venues are expensive). We had a small wedding (only 50 adult guests), a three course meal, three drinks each (ish) during the photos, a bottle of wine per person during the meal, plus all the other sundry stuff like favours and cake, evening snacks etc. Adding another £2500 to the overall cost would have been impossible. I would have had to half the size of my wedding and not invite some of my closest friends to make that possible.

I think this must be a cultural thing though, because I've never ever ever been to a party or wedding where anything more than the first drink (or wine with dinner) was free. I think this idea of a free bar being a must have just adds more pressure to the 'things you must have at your wedding' crap and leads to people getting into debt and massively overspending on what is supposed to be a celebration. If my friends and family thought I was cheap for not paying for their drinks all night, when they were meant to be there to celebrate with us, then they are arseholes.

YouOldSlag · 06/07/2012 13:45

Agree, Easily, and it if became custom, then either nobody would afford to get married (and costs and expectation have spiralled out of hand already if you ask me) OR everyone would elope and do it quietly with just witnesses.

Original poster
GlassofRose · 06/07/2012 13:46

givemeaclue

Hadn't even thought about Best man needing to buy drinks! Shock

That actually really can't happen seeing as this wedding is going to cost us over £400 and we're on my wage only at the moment.

OP posts:
OhCobblers · 06/07/2012 13:48

easilybored i'm not sure that anyone has said a free bar is must have they?
i think perhaps a number of people, me included, are used to attending weddings where its been the norm but as i said, only a very few were in a hotel.

If a friend invited me to their wedding and i knew in advance that we had to buy the majority of our own drinks i would have no problem with that. I adore weddings and would have to have a very good reason not to go, but i think i would like to know in advance about the pay bar so that i can budget accordingly. I guess its really about what you're used to as this thread shows.

nymeria · 06/07/2012 13:50

We did actually provide all drinks at our wedding, but it was lunchtime/afternoon (so no evening party) and quite a small group of people none of whom we were expecting to drink vast amounts! The waiting staff just circulated and made sure everyone had whatever they wanted, and the bill wasn't excessive in the end.

If you have large numbers of guests though, and people are drinking late into the night, I can imagine that would be more than most couples could afford to cover, especially on top of the cost of the venue and food. Yes you could scale back and invite fewer people, but I'm sure some at least, especially close friends, would rather come along and pay for their drink than not be there at all.

Original poster
GlassofRose · 06/07/2012 13:50

usualsuspect

Each to their own about the paybar. It's not something I'd do myself but obviously I'd pay at friends weddings. What I do care about is people being upfront about it.

It seems theres a divide as to what is normal. In my experience pay bars aren't hence why I appreciate prior notice. I wouldn't leave home without my purse, but I do like to be able to budget as weddings are expensive to attend even when you don't pay for your drink.

OP posts:
nethunsreject · 06/07/2012 13:50

I don't think yabu.

I've only been to one wedding where you have to buy your own drinks.

At my wedding we paid for everything - that's why it was tiny!! - because if you are going to have what is essentially a big party, then as a host, surely you provide the food and drink?

People are good enough to come and usually spend money travelling, getting clothes and bringing a gift. I think that's enough to spend!

Original poster
GlassofRose · 06/07/2012 13:52

Thank you Cobblers

It's nice to know I'm not completely loopy in thinking the events unfolding have been quite strange.

OP posts:
usualsuspect · 06/07/2012 14:00

I hate big showy flash weddings anyway tbh.

Give me a function room, a buffet ,a disco ,a bar and I'm happy.

UnexpectedItemInShaggingArea · 06/07/2012 14:01

GlassofRose Fri 06-Jul-12 10:56:05

Ironic that you call me crass for asking if it's normal to expect people to note it is a free bra when your response was pretty crass

OP - YANBU. If there were free bras I would want to know, and not waste money on bringing my own.

(I realise this pathetic attempt at humour is 3 hours late but I've been watching a baby seagull learn to fly :) )

usualsuspect · 06/07/2012 14:02

Free bras would be cool though Grin

LaQueen · 06/07/2012 14:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.