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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think if people are having a pay bar they should say so on invite?

855 replies

GlassofRose · 06/07/2012 10:40

I'm going to a wedding next week and my partner is the best man. The couple have been a bit funny with partner this year being very pedantic over what he can and can't write in his speech to the point he told them to write it for them. He's also been in trouble with the bride for getting the groom drunk on his stag night (a whole month before the wedding). They also originally didn't invite me, then invited me to evening only (I'll be travelling up there the night before with my partner so would have been twiddling thumbs in hotel till evening) until my partner asked for me to be invited properly.

I asked my partner to ask if it was a pay bar or free bar as I just had an inkling these two are having a wedding they can't really afford although there was no mention of it on the invite. The reply he got from groom was "Of course it's a pay bar we're paying for the wedding...

Either way, Do you think if guests are expected to be paying for their own drink it should be mentioned on the invite?

OP posts:
itdoesnthurttohavemanners · 06/07/2012 14:45

Where do all these weddings with free bars happen?! Is it a 'down south' thing?! Honestly. I must have been to 40+ weddings over the last 20 years, and ONE had a free bar (and it was the worst wedding I've ever been to!)

Yes, you appreciate the free drink on arrival, glass of wine with the toast, but seriously.....a free bar is the norm?! I think not!

ginghamfish · 06/07/2012 14:46

I think you were very unreasonable to ask in the first place.

GnabGib · 06/07/2012 14:46

I worked in a hotel one summer that had weddings every weekend. We didn't have any that were total 'free bar.' It would have cost people (at least) several thousand pounds to do that for an average sized wedding. There were a couple where a family member put a certain amount behind the bar (and then always complained when it was gone so quickly.)

The problem with free drinks is people take the piss. I had so many guests coming up to the bar saying things like 'How much is a small white wine... oh, it's free? Great! 10 Jagerbombs then!' People get aggressive much more quickly and it just creates a really weird atmosphere. When/if I get married, I definitely wouldn't have a free bar. I'd rather subsidise the drinks (hotel bars are often ridiculously expensive) than give them away for free.

DowagersHump · 06/07/2012 14:46

Most of the weddings I've been to have had free drinks. A few haven't, largely the ones in pubs.

The most recent one didn't have one for the evening part but it was upstairs in a pub and I was thrilled to have been invited. If they'd had a free bar, I wouldn't have been because they don't have a lot of cash :)

Original poster
GlassofRose · 06/07/2012 14:47

Cobblers

Apart from everyone having a glass of fizz poured out for speeches at sit down meal... I've Never been to one where they walk around with drinks on a tray. That'd be a bit downtown abbey :p

Free bars I've experience are actual bars within the venue that have been prepaid. My aunt paid somebody to be bar staff at a wedding venue where she brought her own booze (wholesalers). Then the others were help yourself's bought from wholesalers.

OP posts:
AmberLeaf · 06/07/2012 14:47

Ohcobblers. IME all types.

A hotel/venue with fully stocked bar and a running tab settled at the end by brides father.

As above but a set amount behind the bar (large sum)

A hall venue with a vast selection of wine/beer/spirits and mixers, never seen it run out and have been given a bottle to take home!

Original poster
GlassofRose · 06/07/2012 14:48

Could somebody explain why they think asking is unreasonable? It wasn't an attempt to sway or imply that someone should have a free bar, it was a are you having a pay bar so I know how much cash to budget.

OP posts:
nymeria · 06/07/2012 14:49

I guess it depends whether you think of the evening party as part of the wedding, or something that happens afterwards (there is some argument for this, especially when people have a separate evening guest list, and sometimes the evening drinks are in a different location).

Like I said we had a wedding without an evening bit, and we happily paid for all food and drinks for the guests, it didn't occur to us not to. But if some of us had gone on to a bar for some drinks afterwards, I'm not sure they would have automatically expected us to buy every round.

It's a question of priorities I guess. We were lucky in that the length of the celebration and the number of people we wanted there matched well with what we could afford. But not everyone is in that situation, so it's a question maybe of deciding whether to exclude people altogether sooner than not provide drinks for them all evening, or have them come but pay.

crashdoll · 06/07/2012 14:50

I'm finding it pretty hard to believe that folk have been to lots of weddings (in the UK) which are all free bar, not saying they are telling porkies but, ahem...

Ok, I'll let the other Jews know I'm lying....

Original poster
GlassofRose · 06/07/2012 14:52

itdoesnthurt

Well the weddings I've been to happen "down south" if you count East london as South... or Essex

OP posts:
Hulababy · 06/07/2012 14:56

I have never been to a wedding with a free bar. Most we have had at any wedding (and I have been to an awful lot of weddings over the years) is wine at the tables during the sit down meal. I would never expect a free bar and would always assume I would need to pay for drinks.

I have never known anyone to mention a pay bar on an invitation. Round here it is always assumed you'd pay for your own drinks.

fatlazymummy · 06/07/2012 15:00

Hownow I had a free bar. My reception was held in our flat, my evening reception was in a social club. Myself and my ex saved the money up to pay the bar bill. I have no idea what people drank but no one threw up or anything.
We didn't have a toast with sparkling wine/champagne or a sitdown meal as we couldn't afford things like that.
Most of the weddings I have attended have been in function halls, small hotels , Church halls etc. As far as I can remember they have all been free bars, because that was the priority, as it was for us.

BellaOfTheBalls · 06/07/2012 15:03

YABU - but given how you gave been treated in the run up I understand why.

I would always assume it was a pay bar unless expressedly told otherwise. At our wedding there was no pay bar and I told everyone that if they didn't drink what was on offer they were more than welcome to bring their own.

I think you can usually tell anyway. In my experience if it's in a hotel you'll be paying through the nose for you own drinks, its in a marquee etc you may well not be.

sheeplikessleep · 06/07/2012 15:08

YABU.

cormsilkye · 06/07/2012 15:10

YABU and a bit of a guestzilla

Original poster
GlassofRose · 06/07/2012 15:12

cormsilkye

Could I ask what you think I have done that makes me a guestzilla?

OP posts:
shewhowines · 06/07/2012 15:15

It does seem to be principle thing and a class issue. Like in the past when it was very important for poorer folk to save for their funeral to put on a good spread/show. It was shameful to do otherwise.

cormsilkye · 06/07/2012 15:20

asking about a pay bar would make you a guestzilla in my eyes...but then I live in the North....

squoosh · 06/07/2012 15:20

I've never been to a wedding with a free bar, sounds great though!

Most weddings I've been to do drinks on arrival, free drinks for an hour, wine with dinner a drink for the toast and after that you pay for your own.

I'd imagine a free bar at your average UK/Irish wedding would be a costly undertaking to put it mildly.

MuminMilan · 06/07/2012 15:24

Blimey there are some particulary cutting and horrid posts on here - Glass you sound lovely though and undeserved of many of these bitter rants. I might be tempted to pull a sicky for the wedding as the couple sound like ghastly friendless controlling numpties.

catinboots · 06/07/2012 15:25

Most of the weddings we go to have a free bar. I've only been to a couple that don't.

We are from London/Kent

catinboots · 06/07/2012 15:25

But I wouldn't expect anything to be put on the invite BTW

Original poster
GlassofRose · 06/07/2012 15:26

But why does asking if whether it will or not be a pay bar make me a guestzilla? It's a question requiring a yes or no answer which provides information for a guest.

I've not asked them to pay for my drinks? And I'm spending around £400 when I tot up paying for travel, accommodation, best man suit hire... add a present and celebration drinks to that too.

I don't think asking a question makes me some sort of guest zilla Confused

But your perfectly welcome to your opinion.

OP posts:
Original poster
GlassofRose · 06/07/2012 15:28

Thank you MuminMilan

As tempting as it might be I wouldn't do that to my partner or the couple who have paid for my meal.

OP posts:
MuminMilan · 06/07/2012 15:28

Also YANBU I have been to a huge number of weddings with a free bar, as well as a much smaller number with a pay bar. We had a pay bar and though we didn't include mention of it on the invite, (I agree this is somewhat crass) I did email people so that they could be prepared and bring as much money as they thought they would need Grin