To think if people are having a pay bar they should say so on invite?

[GlassofRose]

I'm going to a wedding next week and my partner is the best man. The couple have been a bit funny with partner this year being very pedantic over what he can and can't write in his speech to the point he told them to write it for them. He's also been in trouble with the bride for getting the groom drunk on his stag night (a whole month before the wedding). They also originally didn't invite me, then invited me to evening only (I'll be travelling up there the night before with my partner so would have been twiddling thumbs in hotel till evening) until my partner asked for me to be invited properly.

I asked my partner to ask if it was a pay bar or free bar as I just had an inkling these two are having a wedding they can't really afford although there was no mention of it on the invite. The reply he got from groom was "Of course it's a pay bar we're paying for the wedding...

Either way, Do you think if guests are expected to be paying for their own drink it should be mentioned on the invite?

The number of weddings without a pay bar far outweigh those with, IME. The ones with pay bars are usually where the groom has lots of football club mates coming along...

I think it's rude not to set out in the invite (well, the supporting paperwork rather than on the face of the proper invite!) basically how the day will run and any particular expectations - children; accommodation; food; drink; transport between venues... All of these things affect whether you will accept or decline the invitation, and what you need to do as a guest to make it the wedding that the bride and groom obviously want. Why anyone wouldn't be upfront with any of this baffles me.

Well I am clearly dreadfully crass. We had a pay bar at our wedding and we said so in the info sheet we sent with the invitations (with timings, hotels, taxi numbers etc).

We put as much free booze into the day and evening as we could afford - we didnt have favours, wedding cars and expensive flowers or photographers as we wanted to spend the cash we did have on our guests, but ultimately I think a pay bar is generally seen as quite normal and I would never expect anything different when invited to a wedding or party.

I put it on the invitation because I would have far preferred people to come along and spend their money on a few drinks to celebrate with us than give us presents.

GlassOfRose you've already made a fuss and shown yourself DH rude by having him pester the groom about the exact conditions of the invite... Surprised you haven't made sure that the wedding food will be of sufficient quantity and to your taste to keep you satiated through the day too.

Thats what I was talking about!

I don't mean the pretty invite... I mean the bit where put up details of timings hotels, taxis etc. My cousin got married in Scotland, she even gave flight details prices etc.

What's crass about being upfront?

Thatsdope May I ask what part of it is very very very very very very very very unreasonable?

I think there might be a cultural thing going on here.

The majority of the weddings I have been to have been in France, where having a pay bar is unheard of (as far as I know) BUT the focus of most French wedding receptions, once champagne and nibbles are out of the way is a very very long meal with wine. The bar / dancing bit is at the end and doesn't last as long as everything else.

On the two occasions I have been to weddings in the UK i have been caught out because I just wasn't expecting to pay for the drinks.

I would have much preferred some warning that there was a pay bar. I didn't have anything against paying for my own drinks, and understand the reasoning behind having a pay bar, but it was just a surprise and I was a little embarassed to have turned up with no cash.

Fred -

Clearly I've given off the wrong impression.

The bride and groom have been pestering my partner for the past 6 months. My Partner was offended (note that I said my partner and not myself) that I had only been invited to the evening post meal seeing as I would be spending a day alone on the other side of the country where I know nobody. I made no fuss nor pestered anybody :)

GlassofRose - YANBU, I loathe evening receptions after the wedding reception proper with a different guest list as the whole thing smacks of first tier and second tier guests. IMO if you invite people to something then you should make clear the terms of the invitation.

If you must have an evening reception with a pay bar then you should be making it very clear that these people are not expected to provide gifts. Any requests for the gift list should be turned down with a polite 'No, no, we just want you to come and help us celebrate'. Anything else is greedy and grabby.

MsElisaDay you warned your guests in advance that there would be no free booze at all and gave them manageable options. That's you being a good host, and OP simply wants the same courtesy extended to her. I think you were much too quick to read things into her comments that simply weren't there. Hope you've calmed down now.

Very interesting that most people seem to have either been to mostly free-bar weddings or mostly pay-bar weddings. Not many people in the middle.

I would be very interested to see what the class/location/ethinicity/nationality/religion/age/other factors are that put people in each group. Any anthropologists around fancy taking it up?

I forgot...I HAVE been to one wedding with a free bar...

Had to help myself to a pint glass of warm lemonade on arrival (I'm pregnant)...partner had 4/5 bottles of beer...

We soon found out where all of their £15k budget had gone - on the free drink. Gets to food time, and it was a burnt burger, a raw sausage, plastic cheese and an asda bap. I've served my neighbour better when she's come round for a lunchtime bite.

Now I was really pissed off that we'd driven 150 miles, paid £40 for a wedding present and they couldn't even give us a half decent barbeque.

I would MUCH rather have been paying for my own drinks at the bar, and enjoyed a pleasant dining experience.

BUT OP..like you say, each to their own!

WhitesandsofLuskentyre, you were talking about your daughter's 18th birthday. I think the guests would expect to buy their own drinks. You'd have to be crazy to say you'd pay for all the drinks for a bunch of teenagers!

It's different if you have it at home - for a couple of hundred pounds you could get quite a lot of alcohol - that wouldn't pay for more than 50-70 drinks in a bar.

I have been to a few weddings, and it was always a paybar at night. Usual drinks package during the day.Includes my own. When I got married though, I would never have expected any of my wedding party to pay for anything eg suits,bridesmaids dresses, shoes etc.I paid for hair as well.

I would always have invited the gf/wife of the wedding party to the full day though

You must have much richer friends than me, I think I've only been to one wedding which had a free evening bar - was a very nice surprise! I would always assume its buy your own.

Do you think if guests are expected to be paying for their own drink it should be mentioned on the invite?

No. I think that if it's a free bar, that is generally mentioned on the invite. If it is not, it is always best to assume you are paying for your drinks. I would never in any situation assume that I wasn't paying for something. Always that I am. That way, I never get a nasty shock

People take the piss out of a free bar, I don't blame folks for not doing it when they have people chugging down quadruple whiskeys at lightening speed cos they've got the Free Bar Madness. I think if people were more reasonable and didn't go wayhay free bar, let me get as many of the most expensive drinks thrown down my gob as I can... then people might not be so reluctant to have a free bar.

However, on an unrelated note, I think the bride and groom are a bit odd. controlling the speech, having a tantrum because the groom got drunk a month before the wedding seemingly not actually wanting you there in the first place...

I don't blame you for being a bit grumpy about the whole thing. They sound hard work

On the two occasions I have been to weddings in the UK i have been caught out because I just wasn't expecting to pay for the drinks.

Petite...Once understandable...twice?! ;) You mean you didn't learn from the first time ;)

I personally can't believe anyone goes out anywhere without their purse/wallet and some cash!

My wedding had a free bar - BUT - my husband is Dutch and a paid bar at a Dutch wedding would not happen. In Ireland though - where we actually had it - paid is absolutely normal. In any case it would not ever be mentioned on the invitation.

As btw are evening invitations - colleagues, perhaps cousins, it is absolutely about 1st and 2nd tier - you can't invite all to the whole thing so we have 'afters' as it's known. Again totally normal, although inviting one half of a couple to all and one to afters is NOT, that is odd.

itdoesn'thurttohavemanners

The first time I was a bridesmaid and wasn't carrying a bag, and had left my bag in the hotel I was staying at (which, conveniently, wasn't where the reception was taking place)

The second time was years later, so I'd forgotten to be honest. I didn't have cash with me and it was a cash only bar. It wasn't far for me to get some cash but I felt a little conspicuous leaving and coming back 20 minutes later and walking past the bridal party again "er, didn't we just say hello to you" type comments.

I don't often go anywhere without my bag and cards, but I almost never carry cash, or not enough to pay for a couple of drinks.

We had a free bar at our wedding. My [now ex] husband was a cockney and this was indeed the norm within his friends and family. So I can see where the OP is coming from.
Personally I think it is rude just to invite one half of a couple, so I think they were initially in the wrong there.
So you are not really being unreasonable, but of course you do have to be careful how you ask about these things, in order not to appear rude.

Our best man's 'wife' did not come to our wedding reception, only the evening do. This however was her choice - and she was invited.

I invited a guest to the day do minus her OH, he got an evening invite only. I don't like him much and I was concerned he'd cause a scene when he'd had a few drinks. I did speak to her beforehand and she was fine about it.

I was perfectly justified in this when he caused a scene later in the evening, thankfully when most guests had departed. He pushed another female guest over and then threw a punch at my husband - the groom and my borther and usher!

I would always presume we were to pay for our own drinks.

Yanbu re your invite.

Yanbu re the suit hire.

This wedding will end up costing you a fortune.

YANBU about the evening invitation - I think it is very odd to initially invite your best man's partner to the evening reception only.
YABU about the free bar. I would always assume that it is a pay bar and bring plenty of cash when invited to any party or wedding. In my experience a free bar is the exception rather than the norm, especially at a wedding where plenty wine and champagne have often been given beforehand.

petite..that's a different kettle of fish, as they say. As a bridesmaid, I really think the bride should have made sure you had drinks! I would never expect my bridesmaids/best man etc to have to pay for their own drinks! That is rude!

YABU to expect a free bar.

YANBU to expect to be invited to the whole thing - your partner is the best man. I said I wouldn't go to DH's friend's wedding unless they invited me - as in, although we had been together 4 years at that point (they'd been together less than a year when they got married) they would probably have only invited 'DH and guest'. The groom mightn't have been that fond of me, but surely if he is that close to my DH he should want to not insult me for his sake?

I wouldn't be bothered about the cash bar, that's quite normal IME.

It seems a bit rude of them to not want to invite their best man's partner though, and normally if the best man or bridesmaid are expected to wear a special outfit then the bride/groom will pay. If they can't afford those things, I think they should be cutting back a bit.

Have just remembered that the wedding I went to that did have a free bar was DH's cousin's - it was traditional in that the bride's parents paid for the wedding so the groom's parents wanted to contributein some way so they paid for the bar - it was a nice touch actually (plus they are stinking rich so it probably wasn't a big thing for them).

Having read this thread, I can see where the OP is coming from - and it definitely does seem to be a class/culture thing.