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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think if people are having a pay bar they should say so on invite?

855 replies

GlassofRose · 06/07/2012 10:40

I'm going to a wedding next week and my partner is the best man. The couple have been a bit funny with partner this year being very pedantic over what he can and can't write in his speech to the point he told them to write it for them. He's also been in trouble with the bride for getting the groom drunk on his stag night (a whole month before the wedding). They also originally didn't invite me, then invited me to evening only (I'll be travelling up there the night before with my partner so would have been twiddling thumbs in hotel till evening) until my partner asked for me to be invited properly.

I asked my partner to ask if it was a pay bar or free bar as I just had an inkling these two are having a wedding they can't really afford although there was no mention of it on the invite. The reply he got from groom was "Of course it's a pay bar we're paying for the wedding...

Either way, Do you think if guests are expected to be paying for their own drink it should be mentioned on the invite?

OP posts:
Pandemoniaa · 07/07/2012 15:15

I'd at least like an orange juice or a lemonade

I'd be very surprised if you couldn't get a drink without paying for it. Because my experience of a pay bar is that this arrangement usually only kicks in after plenty of free drink has already flowed. In other words, you'll get a welcome drink, more drink with the meal and at least one glass of something for toasting. If not very much more.

I've never been to a wedding where every single drink had to be paid for and at most of the weddings, the free drink flowed very freely.

I still think you are determined to dislike every aspect of this wedding though, OP and I wonder why you are attending at all.

VonHerrBurton · 07/07/2012 15:56

Why are you bothered, OP? In all seriousness? You and maybe a handful of others on this epic thread have been lucky enough to be at weddings in the past with free drinks, surely you must be aware that the majority of people don't do that?

So you have to pay for drinks. It's not what you're used to. I sense a massive amount of animosity from your post.

If I wasn't invited to the full day and DH was a best man I would presume that they either didn't like me, or were strapped for cash, in either case I wouldn't embarrass myself or them by quizzing as to where my full day invite was. I know you say DP asked them, but don't tell me you had no idea! I would say please don't ask them, there must be a reason, just leave it be.

I would loovvee a day alone in a hotel in a new town/village/city whatever - to chill out, maybe get my hair done, read, shopping, walk about, sleep I would relish the me time.

VolAuVent · 07/07/2012 16:04

Look at it from the organiser's point of view. They will have spent a great deal of time and effort, arranging everything to welcome their guests to this occasion, from invitations and booking a nice venue, to menus and decorations. Then someone decides to check whether there will be unlimited drinks too. Not surprised it didn't go down well.

Hownoobrooncoo · 07/07/2012 16:10

Glass

You say you hardly know them but then say that they are from a free bar community. If you don't know them how do you know what they are used to, what kind of weddings they have attended? Husband and I are from a small working class town but have been to loads of different kinds of weddings, big, small, posh and casual as well as overseas and from different cultures. or should we just go to weddings down the local village hall or local pub where it's a sausage roll and free beer and a bottle of sherry for the ladies to share.

Don't back track now. - your earlier posts were very snotty and critical that these people are not having the kind of wedding you think they should. You have said that you think it's not proper hospitality to provide free bar, people who are used to a pay bar have been accepting of both.

nkf · 07/07/2012 16:14

I don't think people do put a lot of time and effort into making it nice for their guests. I think they put a lot of time and effort and money into have the day of their life. If they thought about their guests, the food would be better, the drink nicer, the speeches shorter and there would be no hanging about.

VonHerrBurton · 07/07/2012 16:14

That's spot on How.

I mean, I'm not from a community where free bars are commonplace, but I know they exist. Like I said in my last post, not having a free bar isn't what's at the core of OP's problem.

nkf · 07/07/2012 16:17

You don't have to be a detective to work out the DP doesn't like them much. But that's not unusual. Stick around on MN wedding threads and you soon see how much bile these occasions stir up. They do sound a bit odd though. Barely know the best man. Don't invite his partner of 6 years. Ask him to pay for his suit hire and write his speech. Just because the Dr Freuds on here have uncovered the OP's dislike doesn't make them sound loveable.

nkf · 07/07/2012 16:18

Doesn't make the couple sound loveable I mean.

Cheriefroufrou · 07/07/2012 16:22

Sounds more like they DID know the OH very well as they were close through childhood, just not seen that much of each other in later years

I think its fairly common to have people who were close from childhood in the wedding party, even though IMO people regret not having newer friends who they are close to NOW, you often see it on wedding threads - bride asks best school friend to be a bridesmaid then it turns out they don't really like each other much any more

I think sometimes you think oldest friend = best friend but that turns out to not be the case, maybe the OH is the OLDEST friend that the groom is still in touch with so that's why he was chosen, rather then the closest now?

Cheriefroufrou · 07/07/2012 16:26

nkf, I think its half and half, I've been to weddings that were all about the guests having a good time and being looked after (but all with pay bars as it happens) and modelled our wedding on a mixture of that and also based it on NOT doing things the other half of the weddings I've been to did (like 3 hours of posed photographs!)

things that maked me feel welcome at other weddings included being able to stay at or near the venue cheaply or having lots of choice, as opposed to a "dream" venue miles and miles from where any of the guests live with only a few accomodation options all of which were a taxi drive away

But I do think that a lot of people DO think about their guests, in my experience as many people do as don't

Hownoobrooncoo · 07/07/2012 16:45

We didn't have the wedding we originally wanted to please our families. We opted for a local, non pricey venue that we knew all the old aunties and uncles (mostly whom I had never met) were comfortable with and wouldn't have a heart attack at the prices they might have to pay at a swankier hotel and then could walk off home at the end of the night.

We still had a pay bar but provided lots of free drinks as well and a buffet in the eveing for evening guests. A pay bar doesn't mean that the B&G are trying to have a swanky affair in a swanky castle that they can't afford. It's just quite normal for many venues and for bigger weddings.

We did have a great day though even if it wasn't the quiet, non churchy, casual, intimate wedding we had originally wanted. That was because our family expected it 'their' way, the traditional community way they were used to. No room for anything different, a bit like the Op. It's their way or none and in the end we needed our family there above location or personal wants. Just lucky we ended up having a wonderful day.

giveitago · 07/07/2012 17:14

I've never been to a pay bar wedding either - BUT - I'd never assume it was free drinks and I'd always take money to pay. I wouldn't expect anyone to tell me upfront what it was. I'd assume I'd pay and if I don't have too then lovey!

But I do think that as the partner of the best man you'd be invited to the whole thing.

Lalilalaland · 07/07/2012 17:44

To be honest I find the whole concept of evening guests and an evening do alien too. As I said in my previous post we are Jewish and it is the norm for everyone to be invited to the whole wedding, with the expectation that all the guests attend the ceremony. There is generally a reception with a lot of food followed by a dinner and dancing. The dancing takes place in the middle of the hall and all the tables remain in place for the evening. There is no separate disco and evenng buffet. I have only been to a couple of weddings where there is a meal and an evening party.

WhosPickleisThatOnion · 07/07/2012 18:00

If you were going to a non Jewish wedding you'd probably expect something a little different? Most weddings I go to are mainly as you described, apart from sometimes extra guests come in the evening, I've popped along in the evening to work colleagues for example, just for a drink and to wish them well.

Original poster
GlassofRose · 07/07/2012 19:20

Frou Frou

WRONG

"They" didn't know my DP very well. I hardly call only the groom knowing him as a teenager 13-18 well. The Bride has "known" him two years and the groom has seen him about 5 times in the last ten years...

OP posts:
Cheriefroufrou · 07/07/2012 19:25

13-18 is an intense time friendship wise, were they good friend then?

Cheriefroufrou · 07/07/2012 19:31

usually the best man is more a friend or family of the groom, not necessarily friends with both

bishboschone · 07/07/2012 19:36

I haven't been to that many weddings but all the ones I have been to have been all paid for affairs . I
Must have posh friends and Family Wink

AllieZ · 07/07/2012 19:37

YABU Are you going to the wedding to get drunk? If not, there won't be a problem of paying for one drink, will there? If yes, well, I would not want drunks at my wedding...

MrsSutherland · 07/07/2012 20:33

Well I can't read the whole thread but I am assuming that 99% of people have said that YABU.

I didn't realise that free bars were that common at a wedding TBH and would never even consider that it wouldn't be a pay bar!

Usually there is champagne for speeches and wine with the meal provided and sometimes a welcome bubbly of some sort, thats as much as I would expect.

catinboots · 07/07/2012 20:44

Why would you assume that MrsS ??

Is it that shocking to think that not everyone is exactly the same as you

GnomeDePlume · 07/07/2012 20:45

I'm afraid it does does seem that B&G are trying to have a showy offy wedding they cant actually afford. In their minds they are having a sit down meal for X number. In reality they are in fact expecting their 'guests' to front up for the larger part of the cost (soft drinks, wine, beer, spirits all cost a bomb).

If you want to have a low cost wedding and are wanting guests to provide a lot of the hospitality then fine, do so but you tell them on the invitation. You wouldnt expect them to turn up with a bowl of coleslaw and some sausage rolls without a bit of warning, why is it acceptable to expect them to pay for all their drinks without a bit of notice?

I assume that those people getting very hot under the collar on this thread about not paying for their guests drinks are doing so because they are now realising that they may not have been quite the 'hosts with the most' that they thought they were!

GlassofRose YAstillNBU

GnomeDePlume · 07/07/2012 20:47

MrsSutherland - the OP has said there will be no drinks provided by the B&G except for a glass of fizz for toasts.

DoMeDon · 07/07/2012 20:51

I find it hard to believe people would want their friends to come celebrate and not buy them all a drink. One fizz for toasts is tight. They can't afford their spa wedding - fur coat, no knickers.

meboo · 07/07/2012 20:58

Well I have to say that all the weddings I have been to, and indeed my own, we have never had to pay for drinks, it's just not the done thing. You invite someone to come and share your day with you, they have gone to the expense of perhaps a new outfit, travelling expenses, a gift, possibly overnight accomodation and then you expect your guests to pay for drinks. Sorry not the done thing here.

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