To think if people are having a pay bar they should say so on invite?

[GlassofRose]

I'm going to a wedding next week and my partner is the best man. The couple have been a bit funny with partner this year being very pedantic over what he can and can't write in his speech to the point he told them to write it for them. He's also been in trouble with the bride for getting the groom drunk on his stag night (a whole month before the wedding). They also originally didn't invite me, then invited me to evening only (I'll be travelling up there the night before with my partner so would have been twiddling thumbs in hotel till evening) until my partner asked for me to be invited properly.

I asked my partner to ask if it was a pay bar or free bar as I just had an inkling these two are having a wedding they can't really afford although there was no mention of it on the invite. The reply he got from groom was "Of course it's a pay bar we're paying for the wedding...

Either way, Do you think if guests are expected to be paying for their own drink it should be mentioned on the invite?

Amberleaf - My DP suggested that. It's a spa resort and he reckons we should say fuck it and have a massage with a bottle of wine in our room.

I've got tons of wine in the kitchen as I worked in a school up until last year and you get given it for every occasion going... so we could take it with us lol.

I might have to do a Bianca on eastenders and tape a wine bag up my dress.

This is a joke by the way to all of you with horses you're getting ready to mount.

Spa hotel-even better! Go for it and yes pack those bottles of wine!

Foosa -

I can think of one valid reason. It's called budgeting because the pair of them are making him hire his suit, costing him £200 pound to stay at their luxury spa resort hotel and costing £60 quid in petrol at least and don't forget they want a gift off their gift list.

Invitation wasn't made over a few drinks... but you can carry on thinking im a nightmare if makes your day worth while ;)

Married in the weddings I go to there is a reasonable amount of free drinks but they go on until way into the early hours. To pay for all the drinks in a hotel until 3/4 am would cost a fortune. I'm used to start paying after the reception in the evening.

Glass - take the wine! I would.

We had a pay bar for the evening having supplied all else through the day. We did it as we had a lot of people there and we're pretty confident that some would get totally lathered. We had a tab running to or room and stood plenty of drinks, I know my Dad had one for that he stood plenty on etc. And sure enough my dh's cousins spent around £500 on booze for them/others which frankly was why we had them pay! ( I'm not a flaming sambuca fan but they are!). There was wine left on the tables so our less flush friends finished that off! I've been to a couple of do's where wine/beer is "free" but if you want anything else you pay, ones in marquees where it's all paid for and a couple where everyone went prepared to pay but still had to do a cash point run as no cards accepted and extortionate prices charged. I don't mind paying for that bit of the day, as far as I'm concerned you're under no obligation to stay until the end and if you choose to get wasted it should be on your own tab. After all, getting drunk isn't actually obligatory!!

Yabu. All the weddings I've been to have had pay bars. If budget is an issue, I'd have assumed its a pay bar and then not drink much/have soft drinks. Not sure why a bar is an issue, its a bit sad when people need to get drink a lot to have fun, though to be fair the hosts don't sound a lot of fun.

Same here pickles, most weddings there will still be loads of wine after the meal and then usually close family members will stand massive rounds of drinks.

Getting drunk isn't what I'm on about. I'd at least like an orange juice or a lemonade. Seeing as my boyfriend is best man... we are kind of obliged to see it out don't you think?

Yes you'll have to stay up quite late. If you have already shelled out 400 I'd take some wine up and have regular little breaks in your room.

If the drinks are really expensive the evening might be quite sedate!

I enjoy a drink at a wedding mind. I wouldn't relish staying sober, which I've had to do due to pregnancy. It was a bit boring.

I understand that if you've never been to a free bar wedding you might not think to mention this in your invitation bumf. But if you have given it some thought, I don't understand why you wouldn't mention it for fear of seeming vulgar or crass.

Eg I have received invites that say "rooms have been reserved at the X hotel. Please mention that you are a wedding guest to get the special rate". I have also received an invite that says "two rooms have been booked in your name at the Travelodge".

Or the invites that say "listed below are some local taxi firms". And the invite that said "a double decker bus will depart from the reception to the centre of X at 0030. Please let us know if you would like a seat on it".

In those instances I know that the first form of words means that I am paying for that (and that's fine with me!!), the second that it is being provided and paid for by the bride and groom.

What's different about the bar? Is it because it involves alcohol...?

I wouldn't because not one of my friends coming would even expect this to be the case. It's like saying loo paper will be provided for me?

I agree with op that if this wedding is typical for her & their community should have been mentioned, but it's not for me, so I really don't need to, ifkwim?

The couple replied "of course it's a pay bar" implying their surprise at anyone thinking otherwise, so it likely never crossed their mind to put it on the invitation.

meh! re "seeing it out" it depends! d'ya think the whole thing was a nail in the coffin of the friendship? if so, just do the duties and stay up till the first dance

that's what i did as a BM for a bridezilla, by the week of the wedding the friendship was over, I agreed to do my duties so that the bride wouldn't have been embarrassed all day explaining why she didn't have 4 BMs any more, and so she didn't have her nan etc asking where I was..

It wasn't out of protest that I left, I was absolutely SHATTERED we were up at dawn to rush off to a hair dressers that was ages away and there was no breakie or anything, not even given a cup of tea when getting our make up done, so by the time I'ld "faked it" all day, and had a few reception drinks, I was done! (lasted longer than the MOH though, found her asleep before the meal! - meal was super late due to stupid amt of photos so all we'ld had all day was reception drinks!) - honestly I didn't have any more fake smiles in me by then, I'ld spend all day acting!

So IMO your duties last up till the first dance, or until the bouquet is thrown if a bridesmaid!

I think you only asked to try to make some sort of poor, OP, but all it's done is make you seem bad mannered and grasping, especially after insisting on being there all day. Very bad form. Surely is you didn't even realise pay bars existed you'd not even think to ask if there was one?

I don't think it's vulgar/crass to say about it though.

Poor is point! Aargh. Make some sort of point! Bloody phone.

Yes, WhosePickle, I get what you're saying.

Have to say, before this thread I hadn't really given that much thought to the etiquette of pay / free bar etc. Live and learn, eh!

I don't think it's vulgar/crass to put on the invitation that there will be a cash bar either, but it would never have occurred to me to do so. It is crass to ask though.

Good point Lisaro.

and FWIW I don't remember if my bridesmaids and best man etc went to bed before or after us, no idea! by then I was too shattered myself to notice! haven't a clue if they went the distance or not!

I know they were there for the bouquet and evening buffet, thats it!

OP are you staying in the wedding venue? Given that money's tight, I'd seriously consider having drinks stashed in your room and going up to top up your glasses through the night. I think this probably applies even more for soft drinks as they're usually disproportionately expensive.

Fucking weddings are a nightmare - everyone whines and moans about everything you do. It's one day you have to put your wants and desires behind the bride and groom. Unfortunately that is usually an impossible ask for a lot of people - not surprising dh and I took ourselves off to get married alone - that didn't go down too well either!!!

Never been to a wedding with a free bar, been to one that was in an incredibly expensive hotel, where they didn't even provide a drink for toasting, folk are odd but it's their day - their one and only, one of many for you. I think it's odd that they didn't invite you but I wouldnt have asked for an invite - that is a total no no. Don't go or wind your neck in and stop finding fault.

Not read everything, far too long.

I haven't been to an awful lot of weddings, but never have I been to one with a free bar. You get two glasses of champagne, and 2 glasses of wine at all I have been to and I think that is more than enough. If you as the guest want to get pissed, then you should fund it. The B and G have already paid out for food, disco, venue and a few drinks. And to say she shouldn't have the day she wants so that she can afford to pay for all her guests to get hammered is really unbelievable. It is the B and G day, not the guests.

I am getting married next year. I have no father to pick up the tab. My biological one is somewhere unbeknown to me and my step dad is no longer with us. My mother is a single mother to a teenager on minimum wage and is already adamant on paying for my dress as my father should be in her eyes had he been a decent father and have a role in my life, there is no way I would allow her to pick up the tab for a free bar also.

The guests will get a few free drinks, but after that, if they want to get drunk out of their skull, they can pay for their own. But I also do not expect gifts, we don't need them to which the guests have been told. I just simply want them to come and share my day with me. I also don't expect the best man, ushers, and bridesmaids to pay for their outfits or shoes. I am even paying for their hair/makeup to be done. I don't think it is right to ask someone to play an important role and expect them to pay out for the costs. For that, YANBU.

YANBU either over the invite. Everyone, even those who are single, have been told to bring their partners (even ones we don't really know) or a friend. I want them to feel comfortable, and not be on their own not knowing or being that close to the other guests. But the fact you are the best mans partner, I am very very surprised that they have found it ok to initially not invite you.

But this whole thing about having a wedding you can't afford because they can't stretch to pay for all the guests to drink themselves stupid I think is ridiculous. Why should they not get married until they can do so? It is their day, not the guests. Not everyone has a father, or another relative with the cash to pay for it.

I am a Yank - we had a free bar at our wedding, which was in England, people were travelling in some cases thousands of miles to come and there was absolutely no way I could ask them to pay for their drinks. Nor would I have wanted to.

In terms of the principle of the matter, if you are having guests the whole day and generously supplying them with alcohol before and during the meal and then move to a cash bar later in the evening for those really determined to carry on into the early hours I think that's fine. Although given the choice I would chose a venue where we didn't have to resort to this (i.e. I could supply a bar myself and not have to worry about a cash bar.) It's not always possible for people. People CAN drink loads though, I am sympathetic to the brides on here where that would be a concern. In the US where there are free bars in my experience most people tend not try to drink the place dry - cause they know the smae will happen to them!!! Or they limit to beer and wine.

But lots of people are doing cash bars now too and also the disgusting practice of 'covering the plate' where people give cash in the amt of the meal. This must be one of the more unwelcome US imports into the UK.

I really resented attending an evening do which required some effort to get there and the bride and groom had laid on nothing for the guests apart from I think a bacon sandwich. Cash bar from start to finish. I won't attend another.