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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think if people are having a pay bar they should say so on invite?

855 replies

GlassofRose · 06/07/2012 10:40

I'm going to a wedding next week and my partner is the best man. The couple have been a bit funny with partner this year being very pedantic over what he can and can't write in his speech to the point he told them to write it for them. He's also been in trouble with the bride for getting the groom drunk on his stag night (a whole month before the wedding). They also originally didn't invite me, then invited me to evening only (I'll be travelling up there the night before with my partner so would have been twiddling thumbs in hotel till evening) until my partner asked for me to be invited properly.

I asked my partner to ask if it was a pay bar or free bar as I just had an inkling these two are having a wedding they can't really afford although there was no mention of it on the invite. The reply he got from groom was "Of course it's a pay bar we're paying for the wedding...

Either way, Do you think if guests are expected to be paying for their own drink it should be mentioned on the invite?

OP posts:

Cheriefroufrou · 07/07/2012 11:40

"Yes clearly you are an alcoholic if you enjoy the day shared with friends and family etc...as well as lots of alcohol!"

having drinks at a wedding doesn't make you an alcoholic, but not being able to enjoy yourself WITHOUT drinks actually does, yes!

ChaoticismyLife · 07/07/2012 11:40

Just because you don't tell people that you're having a pay bar does not mean you're embarrassed by it. It wouldn't occur to me to tell people because for me a pay bar is the norm, as it is for my family and friends.

OP why can't you seem to accept that people who don't put that it's a pay bar on their invites don't do so because they're embarrassed but because, for them, pay bars are the norm and it simply wouldn't occur to them to do so.

Cheriefroufrou · 07/07/2012 11:42

"Cherie - I'll be receiving one drink free - that's not loads "

I know, the 6 drinks was in the constext of the "trying to have a wedding you can't afford thing" and I was replying to you that no, with an unlimited budget I still think I provided enough alcohol, no need IMO for it to be unlimited, I would instead pay everyone's travel and a weekends worth of accommodation and maybe another meal the next morning etc

Coconutty · 07/07/2012 11:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

GlassofRose · 07/07/2012 11:44

dotty -

I'm going to say this for the last time. In my community not paying for your drinks is normal which is why you mention it on the bleeding invite.

OP posts:

RichManPoorManBeggarmanThief · 07/07/2012 11:44

i think it's worth mentioning if, for example, the reception is in the middle of nowhere and the bar doesn't take credit cards (cue: everyone scrabbling around for enough cash to buy a round- yes, I was at that wedding!).

We had a free bar- wasn't actually that bad in the scheme of things (£1.5k for 150 people for 3 hrs after dinner). After people have had the drinks reception and then wine at dinner, they only really had 2/3 drinks each and the prices were pretty cheap as the reception was in a barn and the owner's son ran the bar with a few mates as his weekend job.

I personally don't expect a free bar, but it has been the norm at the weddings I've been to.

Original poster

GlassofRose · 07/07/2012 11:44

Cocnutty

For fuck sake love. If you want to make assumptions then you really should read all 25 fucking pages my dear because then you'd see why you're wrong :)

OP posts:

AmberLeaf · 07/07/2012 11:45

Coconutty she didn't insist on an invite her DP did as he was b est man and tbh I agree it was rude not to invite best mans DP!

Coconutty · 07/07/2012 11:46

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

dottyspotty2 · 07/07/2012 11:46

Well now you know it isn't the norm for most people accept it and move on instead of having at pop at the couple their wedding their decisions not anyone elses.

AmberLeaf · 07/07/2012 11:47

Dotty actually this hread has proved it is the norm for lots of people!

Coconutty · 07/07/2012 11:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Cheriefroufrou · 07/07/2012 11:49

it shows its as likely to be a paid bar as not, so go prepared
(and don't go at all if you don't even like the couple!)

Original poster

GlassofRose · 07/07/2012 11:49

Right.

The couple don't know me well enough to know anything about my feelings about weddings or how I feel about them.

If the reason for inviting me was not knowing me then they shouldn't have asked my fella to be best man because they don't know him either. They've seen us both together on a handful of occasions. The last time my partner and the groom we're friendly they were 18... they are now 28 and live miles apart.

They have a new house and have said they can't afford a honeymoon.

They told my partner I wasn't invited because they couldn't afford to feed me.
My partner grumbled at this, not I, because he was insulted that they didn't invite me.

Other inklings they can't afford anything would be the fact my partner has to pay for his own suit rental.

Get awf your high horses and read the thread.

OP posts:

AmberLeaf · 07/07/2012 11:49

having drinks at a wedding doesn't make you an alcoholic, but not being able to enjoy yourself WITHOUT drinks actually does, yes!

You over estimate how much 'fun' weddings actually are tbh!

Honestly most people bar close family go for the party.

AmberLeaf · 07/07/2012 11:50

Waves back at coconutty

dottyspotty2 · 07/07/2012 11:50

Amber if thats all she has in life to worry about she's got an easy life though, ok so not the norm for everyone I never said that probably quite a 50/50 split then so not the norm for everyone to have a free bar or pay bar.

Coconutty · 07/07/2012 11:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Cheriefroufrou · 07/07/2012 11:51

even if its shite and boring, anyone who NEEDS alcohol to get through it, or to get through anything else for that matter, has a problem

There's a difference between people who can enjoy a few drinks, and people who enjoy a few drinks but can't manage the absense of them!

trixymalixy · 07/07/2012 11:52

Well everyone has learnt something then, but if its the norm then why did the OP feel the need to ask?

If she suspected it was a paying bar, then just go prepared. Actually asking whether it's a paying bar or not seems only to have been an attempt to embarrass the bride and groom.

WhosPickleisThatOnion · 07/07/2012 11:53

Aw! I thought we all had come to an agreement.

It's about 50/50 I reckon? So everyone is right.

Cheriefroufrou · 07/07/2012 11:53

"Actually asking whether it's a paying bar or not seems only to have been an attempt to embarrass the bride and groom"
or to prove that they had something to be embarrassed about in the first place, and to "out" them about not really being able to comfortably afford the day

(the suit thing is still out of order though! )

dottyspotty2 · 07/07/2012 11:53

You don't seem to hold them in high regard or have any respect for them why bother going tell your partner you don't want to go as it sounds like you dont.

AmberLeaf · 07/07/2012 11:54

Well everyone has learnt something then, but if its the norm then why did the OP feel the need to ask?

She wasn't asking if its the norm!

She was asking if it shgould be mentioned on the invite!

WhyAlwaysBoris · 07/07/2012 11:54

I agree with trixymalixy don't go unless you can hide your obvious disdain for these people:

'I had an inkling these two are having a wedding they can't really afford'. The these two says is all, really.

There is, in my experience, no link whatsoever between whether the bar is free and how classy a wedding is.

(And i'm speaking as someone who had a technically very 'posh' wedding with a free bar- it wasn't that classy by the end of the evening, let me tell you. It is amazing how badly some people can behave when presented with unlimited free drink. A late night lock in would have more class than my wedding by the end of the evening.

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