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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think if people are having a pay bar they should say so on invite?

855 replies

GlassofRose · 06/07/2012 10:40

I'm going to a wedding next week and my partner is the best man. The couple have been a bit funny with partner this year being very pedantic over what he can and can't write in his speech to the point he told them to write it for them. He's also been in trouble with the bride for getting the groom drunk on his stag night (a whole month before the wedding). They also originally didn't invite me, then invited me to evening only (I'll be travelling up there the night before with my partner so would have been twiddling thumbs in hotel till evening) until my partner asked for me to be invited properly.

I asked my partner to ask if it was a pay bar or free bar as I just had an inkling these two are having a wedding they can't really afford although there was no mention of it on the invite. The reply he got from groom was "Of course it's a pay bar we're paying for the wedding...

Either way, Do you think if guests are expected to be paying for their own drink it should be mentioned on the invite?

OP posts:
nkf · 07/07/2012 11:16

Six drinks is plenty. The wedding I went to - there was a glass of fizz and a bottle of red on a table for eight. And abysmal food. Brides and grooms are being fleeced.

WhosPickleisThatOnion · 07/07/2012 11:19

I don't think it's fair to say that we are embarrassed glass. If money was no object I would have a free bar. I will give my guests as much as I can afford but if that dosent run to a totally free bar there is no way I'd feel embarrassed about it.

It wouldn't make be feel embarrassed as I've not been to a free bar wedding.

AmberLeaf · 07/07/2012 11:21

Weddings and the breast/formula feeding debate on mumsnet seem to get people in a tizz.

If you say you did it one way those that did it the other way get all hurt, feel criticised and feel the need to defend their way and snipe at yours.

Round and round it goes!

WhosPickleisThatOnion · 07/07/2012 11:24

I'm innocent amber, I've got nothing against free bars (who would) and I'm begging for an invite to an east end wedding!

Original poster
GlassofRose · 07/07/2012 11:25

I do think it is fair pickle.

If people believe pay bars are entirely normal and not taking the piss they wouldn't be bothered about telling people they are having one.

This happy couple obviously feel ashamed about it judging by their reaction otherwise saying no it's a pay bar would have been water off a ducks back.

I'm not saying you should be embarrassed about not being able to afford to do so... but if you find it difficult to admit it to guests then really your taking the piss.

OP posts:
Cheriefroufrou · 07/07/2012 11:25

the thing is, alcohol just isn't that... "important" to me or my friends or family
and anyone who cannot enjoy a day shared with friends and food and music without being given lots of alcohol.. well.. IMO they have issues.

Likewise someone who just provides loads of free booze and expects everyone to be happy as a result, is wrong! I'ld rather the food and other needs considered

Original poster
GlassofRose · 07/07/2012 11:26

I'd invite you to mine if I was ever to have one pickle... I'm not though much to the disappointment of the old Frummers who like to ask DP "are you good jewish boy?"

OP posts:
dottyspotty2 · 07/07/2012 11:29

Never been to a wedding where its even mentioned apart from my own but that was DH's idea not the norm here, what you do normally get is a tray of drinks as you arrive at reception though every guest gets a drink your drink is usually provided with the meal anyway.

Cheriefroufrou · 07/07/2012 11:29

Glass of Roses, someone might be completely happy and secure with not having a live band, but if someone put it like this

"So are you having a live band or "just" a DJ"
"err just a DJ"
"oh ok, yeah fine, that's fine"

you can make them embarrassed by asking, likewise with the free bar, they might not have been even slightly embarrassed about it before your OH asked, but by asking its kinda.. well like implying that you sort of EXPECTED something they wont have, which can RESULT in embarrassement which wasn't there to start with!

nkf · 07/07/2012 11:30

It's not about wanting free booze because you are a greedy freeloading lush. It's just people's expensive weddings inevitably result in expense for their guests. Hotel wine is hugely overpriced. The wedding industry is a joke really. People spend on rubbish and it's all wrapped up in "best day of life" and "unique blah blah." Half the time it's some wedding package being sold by a saleswoman at the hotel. And all the flower people are probably on some kind of kickback.

Cheriefroufrou · 07/07/2012 11:30

Like all couples, they'll have THOUGHT that they had thought of everything, (its just not YOUR everything), before you asked about the bar

ChaoticismyLife · 07/07/2012 11:31

I wonder how many of those who expect free drinks would be happy to be served tea/coffee/soft drink all night.

SlipperyNipple · 07/07/2012 11:33

Didn't have a pay bar at our wedding....but chose a venue where you could supply your own booze....so quick run to France and too much alcohol sets you back about £1500. But that really was too much of everything for the 100 guests we had.

I think it's usual to buy in hotel receptions. I've been to both sorts.

AmberLeaf · 07/07/2012 11:33

^the thing is, alcohol just isn't that... "important" to me or my friends or family
and anyone who cannot enjoy a day shared with friends and food and music without being given lots of alcohol.. well.. IMO they have issues^

Ha ha to the above!

Yes clearly you are an alcoholic if you enjoy the day shared with friends and family etc...as well as lots of alcohol!

Go polish your halo Cherie...you're so righteous!

nkf · 07/07/2012 11:33

But - and this is a genuine question - if you went for a free bar, did you ever consider not?. Or note the prices at the place you chose.

If I pick a venue for a birthday party, I do take into consideration my friends' income. I don't pick the best and most expensive just bcause it's my day.

trixymalixy · 07/07/2012 11:34

How horrid of you to be looking down your nose at them like this. It's clearly the norm for a lot of people to have pay bars. They said "of course it's a paying bar" clearly it's the norm for them.

How crass of you to try and embarrass them by asking. If you weren't sure, then you take money just in case, not make a massive fuss about it.

Original poster
GlassofRose · 07/07/2012 11:35

Frou -

We've already been warned about the DJ. Apparently no requests as they have planned every song he is going to play finishing with a football anthem at the end.

Personally I think if your embarrassed to tell people you're having a pay bar it says it all. If you thought there was nothing wrong with it you couldn't be made to feel guilty about it.

OP posts:
Cheriefroufrou · 07/07/2012 11:37

Amber I'm talking about more than about 6 alcoholic drinks here! Which is about what I've got at the pay bar weddings I've been to, that's loads!

Original poster
GlassofRose · 07/07/2012 11:37

trixy -

Sod off luv. I'm looking down my nose at nobody. It's clearly the norm for some people to have pay bars and some to have free.

I know it's not the norm for them because they grew up in the same community.

They are letting everyone else pay for their wedding and have just bought a house. They want their cake and eat it. I think it's safe for me to pass judgement what with me knowing them and you not ;)

OP posts:
Coconutty · 07/07/2012 11:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
GlassofRose · 07/07/2012 11:38

Cherie - I'll be receiving one drink free - that's not loads :)

OP posts:
trixymalixy · 07/07/2012 11:38

It doesn't sound like they are embarrassed though they said "of course it's a pay bar" like it's a bizarre question to ask. Which it is whether it's a free bar or not.

Don't go unless you can hide your clear disdain for these people, it's not fair on them.

Original poster
GlassofRose · 07/07/2012 11:39

Coconutty - perhaps try reading the thread then you might understand I don't believe in marriage because my family marry as much as guinea pigs have babies.

OP posts:
dottyspotty2 · 07/07/2012 11:39

At nieces wedding 3 years ago invites had a space on for writing favourite song and artist down a compilation disc was made of these to start the night off my other niece sang at the wedding as well. I'm going to say this for the last time paying for your own drink is normal why mention it on the bleeding invite.

SlipperyNipple · 07/07/2012 11:40

Going on from nkf. The reason we paid for all drink and put on a bus to venue was because we knew a lot of our friends don't have the money to spend and we are quite comfortable (I've worked on income distribution and so know most people earn very little and a very few are 'comfortable').

I wanted people to come and just relax and not have to worry for the day and just have a good time.