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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think if people are having a pay bar they should say so on invite?

855 replies

GlassofRose · 06/07/2012 10:40

I'm going to a wedding next week and my partner is the best man. The couple have been a bit funny with partner this year being very pedantic over what he can and can't write in his speech to the point he told them to write it for them. He's also been in trouble with the bride for getting the groom drunk on his stag night (a whole month before the wedding). They also originally didn't invite me, then invited me to evening only (I'll be travelling up there the night before with my partner so would have been twiddling thumbs in hotel till evening) until my partner asked for me to be invited properly.

I asked my partner to ask if it was a pay bar or free bar as I just had an inkling these two are having a wedding they can't really afford although there was no mention of it on the invite. The reply he got from groom was "Of course it's a pay bar we're paying for the wedding...

Either way, Do you think if guests are expected to be paying for their own drink it should be mentioned on the invite?

OP posts:
Cheriefroufrou · 07/07/2012 10:11

a pay bar doesn't = not providing drinks for your guests anyway, it just = not providing unlimited drinks which is quite different!

Original poster
GlassofRose · 07/07/2012 10:14

I love how presumptuous some of the replies have been.

The dreadedfoosa

Could you tell me how I've "muscled" in to a wedding when I've never declared that I was unhappy to be invited to the evening or protested about anything? I found it odd but I said nothing.

hownoobrowncoo and whospickleisthatonion the pair have you have spent a lot of time filling pages of why I shouldn't go and what you both presume me to be thinking, feeling etc Grin

I shall explain this one last time.

The behaviour of the bride and groom have upset my partner. I find their behaviour odd but like I've said before it's probably just a case of wedding stress. I don't "drink too much", I wasn't begging for them to have a free bar for me to "abuse" etc. I am use to it being customary to have a free bar which is why I would appreciate a heads up. Just a heads up, I'm not begging them to change it or put money behind a bar for me alone.

Everyone has different experiences, call me "snobby" or any of the other insults you like but where I come from (The EastEnd of London) people would think that if you have a paybar are either tight or having a wedding they can't afford.

^Thymeout Fri 06-Jul-12 20:02:33
Yes Amberleaf. Couldn't agree more. The Cockney tradition is all about hospitality, not 'grabby guests'.

If choosing a posh hotel with all the trimmings means a pay bar at inflated prices, you'd be regarded as 'kippers and curtains' - trying to make out you're something you're not. Just so you can say 'Oh we got married at XXX'. Fine,but not if it's at your guests' expense.^

Exactly this!

^OhCobblers Fri 06-Jul-12 19:34:00
OP i still maintain YANBU, you are used to a certain way of doing things with all the weddings you've attended and you're just checking to see if this one will be any different. I get it!!^

Indeed. Asking wasn't meant to be an offensive question. Seeing as the fact my other half wasn't told he would need to pay for his own suit hire until the text that arrived the other day I thought it best to get the full picture of exactly what we were paying for.

In the words of my Partner "They're like two kids playing grown up"

OP posts:
YouOldSlag · 07/07/2012 10:15

Exactly Cherie- we provided a sherry on arrival, half a bottle of wine per guest, and a glass of good Cava for the toasts.

By my reckoning that's at least five units of alcohol we provided free. I think that's fine!

Cheriefroufrou · 07/07/2012 10:18

"hospitality" does not equal piles of booze to everyone though, many posters have said that a lot of people will have no idea that people like you will expect anything BUT a pay bar!

my idea of hospitality is not booze! its lots of food, a warm welcome, people's needs considered (highchairs, wheelchair space at tables, activities for kids, entertainment, not waiting around for loads of photos, a good choice of accomodation, maps provided if necessary, transport options maybe..). I don't need alcohol to feel welcome. I need FLUIDS and food but not alcohol and it would never occur to me that people couldn't feel welcome without more than 5 alcoholic drinks!!

Original poster
GlassofRose · 07/07/2012 10:20

It's not necessarily about providing units of alcohol.

After a whirl on the dance floor are you not thirsty?

We've been told they're providing a glass for toasts...

My partner has jokingly said "After my speech we should piss of to the spa" because their wedding is in a spa resort/hotel.

OP posts:
Cheriefroufrou · 07/07/2012 10:20

its a bonkers thing to get hung up on IMO - it is not the hospitable Vs not hospitable deal breaker!, someone could have a free bar and be the most inhospitable ungracious host around! Another person could be a wonderful welcoming considerate host even with no booze whatsoever!

Cheriefroufrou · 07/07/2012 10:22

thirsty? if thirsty I drink water, alcohol makes me wee and dehydrates me!
Lots of pay bar weddings still provide soft drinks and unlimited teas and coffees with the evening buffet.

I'ld rather an evening buffet than a pay bar any day!

Original poster
GlassofRose · 07/07/2012 10:23

Well, this thread has taken on a life of it's own. I only asked if people thought you should be warned in advance if it is a pay bar because in my experience pay bars are rare and most people would turn up and have a bit of a shock.

OP posts:
Original poster
GlassofRose · 07/07/2012 10:24

Cherie -

I never said alcohol. They aren't paying for drinks regardless of whether they are soft or alcoholic.

They are providing no drinks but a glass of champers for toasts.

OP posts:
Cheriefroufrou · 07/07/2012 10:24

but you wont be "thirsty" after the dancing, you can still get fluids for free or cheap, you just wont have MORE alcohol for free. YOU said about being "thirsty"

Cheriefroufrou · 07/07/2012 10:25

their venue charges for tap water then? isn't that illegal?

YouOldSlag · 07/07/2012 10:26

Well the answer is sort of split down the middle OP. Loads of people (including me) would always expect to pay for additional drinks after the toasts.

Loads of other people would be shocked that they have to do so.

I always thought pay bars were normal unless at a barn dance Smile. I've certainly learned a lot today!

Cheriefroufrou · 07/07/2012 10:27

however if they are having an evening guest list it is IMO inhospitable to not have an evening buffet (which usually includes teas and coffees and often the cake)

Original poster
GlassofRose · 07/07/2012 10:30

What are you on about...
It's a wedding I'd at least like an orange juice or lemonade.

The b&g are paying for one drink only which is a bit of fizz during speeches.

So yes unless I ask for tap water Hmm I would be going thirsty unless I pay for it.

I don't have a problem with paying for it, will have to limit how much because they're wedding is costing me a bomb.

Really don't see why people are still debating anything else.

The question was:Would you expect to be notified about a pay bar - yes or no? The opinion has been divided and I've learnt more people have pay bars than I realised.

Really don't see why people are still debating anything else.

OP posts:
nkf · 07/07/2012 10:33

I wouldn't go. They don't want you to really do they?

WhosPickleisThatOnion · 07/07/2012 10:34

Op not every comment i made was directed at you!

I have pointed out in general that if a wedding is expensive to attend then no one really is obliged.

I said earlier that I agreed with you about the suit etc and you said no you weren't annoyed with that?

I don't think it's fair that some people have said that if you can't afford a free bar you should not hold the event. I think that's perfectly reasonable.

Cheriefroufrou · 07/07/2012 10:35

likewise why are YOU still debating it, you have been told that lots of people would never expect anything else and wouldn't think to put it on an invite, so now you know to plan for a pay bar when you go to weddings just incase as it happens often.. why are you still complaining about it?

nkf · 07/07/2012 10:35

And the paying bar is inevitable because weddings are in such expensive places these days the couple couldn't afford it. If they did the reception at home, they'd just go to Costco.

nkf · 07/07/2012 10:37

And there are some cultures where the guests don't pay for drinks. And it would be weird to.

Reading MN, one gets the impression that the typical wedding is a fairly lavish affair - that puts everyone (guests as well as the couple) to a stressful amount of expense.

And don't get me started on the rubbish wedding caterers serve up. Lord knows what they've charged the couple.

dottyspotty2 · 07/07/2012 10:38

YABU but when we got married 22 years ago we put a couple of hundred behind the bar once that was gone it was buy your own nowadays that wouldn't last 5 minutes.

nkf · 07/07/2012 10:41

It's also the paying bar with hotel prices. Sorry to keep returning but I've just got back from a wedding... beans on toast for weeks.

Paying bar in pub is one thing. But when you're paying hotel prices, it becomes a pricey evening. A pricey occasion generally,

WhosPickleisThatOnion · 07/07/2012 10:44

The question should you be notified, well those of us used to a pay bar at some point just wouldn't think of it, as we are all used to paying for drinks and therefore turn up with some cash.

So the answer is, yes if your not used to it it is good to be notified, however, it's understandable that they have not thought of it as a pay bar is actually a lot more common that you originally realised.

dorset84 · 07/07/2012 10:45

I would not expect to be notified if wedding had a pay bar. I would assume this was the case. In fact all wedding I have ever attended including my own had a pay bar. We provided food, (far too much in evening) and a drinks package for daytime guests but that was it.
I would not expect more than that. As a evening guest I would suggest a buffet and maybe your 1st drink but thats all.

WhosPickleisThatOnion · 07/07/2012 10:46

Nkf last time we were in a hotel the grooms men popped out to the shop and bought spirits for everyone.

It was something like 8 pounds for a vodka & lemonade.

Im sure they put the prices up for weddings as your a captive audience.

Original poster
GlassofRose · 07/07/2012 10:47

"Likewise" haha

Oh for the love dog.

I know what people have said. Have you not read my post?
The opinion has been divided and I've learnt more people have pay bars than I realised.

You are still banging on about how I wont have to pay for my own drinks because you presume they're going to provide soft drinks, tea and coffees.

These people are having a pay bar, I accept that. I'd expect prior notice as I have stated many times. Most people going to this wedding will be like minded cockneys. I do believe for the majority they'll be shocked when they arrive and work out they have to pay for so much as an orange juice.

My dad once went to his friends birthday party and when he got up the bar and the bloke said £15 for a pint and a vodka and orange he said "C'mon 'insert mums name' get ya bag" because the way he see's it he has invited these people to all his families events and paid for their food and drink and he's rocked up with a present and his mate couldn't so much as spare him a beer.

It definitely is a culture thing. It's about hospitality. Not giving your guests a drink when they've bothered to spend money and turn up for your day is an insult. My family are cockneys, Jews and Portugeuse.

OP posts: