Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think if people are having a pay bar they should say so on invite?

855 replies

GlassofRose · 06/07/2012 10:40

I'm going to a wedding next week and my partner is the best man. The couple have been a bit funny with partner this year being very pedantic over what he can and can't write in his speech to the point he told them to write it for them. He's also been in trouble with the bride for getting the groom drunk on his stag night (a whole month before the wedding). They also originally didn't invite me, then invited me to evening only (I'll be travelling up there the night before with my partner so would have been twiddling thumbs in hotel till evening) until my partner asked for me to be invited properly.

I asked my partner to ask if it was a pay bar or free bar as I just had an inkling these two are having a wedding they can't really afford although there was no mention of it on the invite. The reply he got from groom was "Of course it's a pay bar we're paying for the wedding...

Either way, Do you think if guests are expected to be paying for their own drink it should be mentioned on the invite?

OP posts:
JamieandTheOlympicTorch · 06/07/2012 21:15

stuffit - yes I am yanking your chain.

FamiliesShareGerms · 06/07/2012 21:16

Is it normal for pay bar dos to provide soft drinks all night? (the ones I've been to have been a mixture - a couple haven't provided anything after the meal ended at about 8pm; a couple have had orange juice and coke available but cash bar for alcohol). I need something to wet my whistle after a bit of dancing!

Alconleigh · 06/07/2012 21:17

Massively late to this,but can't help myself,love a wedding thread. have been to 15 weddings in last 7 years. Only 2 had a pay bar. Both in hotels. I do rather resent paying for drinks at a wedding, but the reason is that every wedding I have been to has cost me a minimum of £500, when you add up hen do, travel, accommodation, present etc. I have never been to a local wedding, or a wedding in a village hall etc. And I think this is a major issue; when did people start to think that their weddings were worth this much to their friends?!

FamiliesShareGerms · 06/07/2012 21:19

This thread has been really interesting. And made me so glad my wedding was yonks ago and I don't have to worry about what we should or shouldn't do!

VolAuVent · 06/07/2012 21:24

Exactly tyler.

"I think it's more that most weddings with a pay bar (or at least the ones I've been to) provide enough drinks that nobody is going to go thirsty, the expectation is not that people have to buy their own drinks, but you want more than a couple of glasses of Pimms, half a bottle of wine, two glasses of Champagne and tea/coffee they'll have to pay themselves."

WhosPickleisThatOnion · 06/07/2012 21:25

The trouble is yes weddings are getting expensive to the point people sometimes begrudge going to them I think.

Buttwart · 06/07/2012 21:26

Do people realise you don't have to go? And that you don't have to buy a new outfit, or a present, or go on the hen do...if you object just don't bloody go!

whenyouseeitwaveorcheer · 06/07/2012 21:31

I'm staggered at the idea of having been to 15 weddings that cost £500 each.

How??? Non local weddings have probably cost me £150 max, including present.

Local ones much less.

Unless they involve travel abroad? But I just couldn't afford to do that so would decline.

Hownoobrooncoo · 06/07/2012 21:31

And still the only ones who have been critical of the choices people make regarding free or paying bar are those who expect a free bar.

Bit rich this criticism coming from the OP who doesn't agree with weddings and marriage, going through life expecting free bars at numerous weddings without ever having to stump up one day herself.

stuffitunderthebed · 06/07/2012 21:31

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

trixymalixy · 06/07/2012 21:42

Grin hope you have a lovely day!

stuffitunderthebed · 06/07/2012 21:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

perfumedlife · 06/07/2012 22:10

I don't think the op expects a free bar Hownoo, just has been the norm in her experience. I certainly don't expect a free bar at weddings either, but often that's been the case at weddings in my circle. I personally wanted one at my wedding and cut out lots of fancy extras to have one. I just felt folk were spending enough already attending at our request. We were not well off, we just prioritised. Pehaps some of my guests felt the lack of centre peices and granduer made it less special, who knows? It's personal to each and you can't please everyone. The feedback was that they had a blast though.

exoticfruits · 06/07/2012 22:23

I can't see that it matters - assume you are paying for drinks and then anything else is a pleasant surprise.

Hownoobrooncoo · 06/07/2012 22:33

Perfumed life - what you did regards the free bar is great and lovely for your guests. I don't have a problem with free bars if that's what people want and they can afford it. I think the OP does expect a free bar though as she said that's what she is used to and she obviously believes that producing free drink for your guests is the correct etiquette and the rest of the wedding should be planned with this in mind.

igggi · 06/07/2012 22:35

It's just the shoes on/shoes off debate in another form. Never the twain shall meet.

perfumedlife · 06/07/2012 22:48

I take your point Hownoo. Smile

I wonder how many brides would do their day differently if they had the chance again. I mean, I wonder, does the pomp and ceremony really add up to the day of their dreams? My sister had a very fancy wedding that she loathed. She said she spent hours posing for photos she never looks at, resents the thousands spent on cars and cakes and just never relaxed it was so OTT and different from her normal life.

I guess if you love it, it's worth it.

Lalilalaland · 06/07/2012 23:02

Another Jewish MNer here and every Jewish wedding I have been to has had a free bar, it is genuinely almost unheard of to have a pay bar. The kosher caterers tend to include a free bar as part of their service. My non Jewish friends have all had free bars too, bar one who got married soon after finishing university.

ImaginateMum · 07/07/2012 00:12

Not read thread but grew up elsewhere and had never, ever, ever, ever, ever come across a pay bar. It was excruciatingly embarrassing when went to first UK wedding and not only had to pay for drinks but had also not brought enough cash and was in a place that did not take cards.

I had no problem with the concept, when in Rome etc, but would definitely have appreciated the invitation being explicit. Not knowing and not having cash handy (wedding in middle of nowhere) really made the evening tough.

ZillionChocolate · 07/07/2012 00:14

Nearly all the weddings I've been to have had a free welcome drink, free wine with the meal, and a glass of something for the toast. Mine was like that, but the wine/champagne was unlimited and available at the bar in the evening until it ran out (but it never did). I warned people in the wedding info (not the invitation) that there was no cash point, but didn't mention the cash bar. I would have liked to have had a free bar, but couldn't find a suitably sized venue licenced for weddings but without a licenced bar.

I've only been to one wedding with free drinks. It was a barn with supermarket/booze cruise and a local teenager as barman.

OP YANBU to be upset at the B&G's behaviour. I think their failure to invite you is very difficult to understand. I think this thread shows that it's always best to take cash with you, but in some circles you won't need to spend it.

ImaginateMum · 07/07/2012 00:16

Yes yes to always taking cash! I was stupid to not have any!! This applies to everything in life...

sayithowitis · 07/07/2012 00:43

I have been to many weddings in my time, and the ones with a pay bar are definitely in the minority, by a long way. I am in the SE, neither myself nor my family are wealthy and we are not Jewish/Greek etc. Maybe it's my age, but I was brought up that if you invite someone for a meal/party/wedding etc, then you expect to fund the food and drink element of it. I have never seen any fighting at any of the weddings I have attended. When DH and I married, it really did not occur to us to have anything other than a free bar. Even now, if we invite family out for a meal, we expect to pay for it and vice versa. Maybe it's just us.

I certainly don't object to the notion of a pay bar and would not turn down an invitation for that reason, however, I do agree with the OP that it would be nice to have a heads up so I could be sure I budgeted accordingly.

BonnieBumble · 07/07/2012 09:55

"Even now if we invite family out for a meal, we expect to pay for it".

I have always paid for myself when going for a meal to celebrate a birthday etc. I don't know anyone well off enough to pay for a group of people.

YouOldSlag · 07/07/2012 10:04

I agree Bonnie. if I had to pay for everyone I wanted to have lunch with I'd never be able to go out.

Cheriefroufrou · 07/07/2012 10:09

"Even now if we invite family out for a meal, we expect to pay for it".

wow!

I've never been invited to a meal by friends and not paid for ourselves (or ourselves and a share of the person who invited if its their birthday)