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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think if people are having a pay bar they should say so on invite?

855 replies

GlassofRose · 06/07/2012 10:40

I'm going to a wedding next week and my partner is the best man. The couple have been a bit funny with partner this year being very pedantic over what he can and can't write in his speech to the point he told them to write it for them. He's also been in trouble with the bride for getting the groom drunk on his stag night (a whole month before the wedding). They also originally didn't invite me, then invited me to evening only (I'll be travelling up there the night before with my partner so would have been twiddling thumbs in hotel till evening) until my partner asked for me to be invited properly.

I asked my partner to ask if it was a pay bar or free bar as I just had an inkling these two are having a wedding they can't really afford although there was no mention of it on the invite. The reply he got from groom was "Of course it's a pay bar we're paying for the wedding...

Either way, Do you think if guests are expected to be paying for their own drink it should be mentioned on the invite?

OP posts:
gobbledegook1 · 06/07/2012 19:25

I'm another who has never been to a wedding with a free bar. I'm with the majority unless stated otherwise I would assume it was a pay bar.

JamieandTheOlympicTorch · 06/07/2012 19:27

I've been to lots of weddings. I'd say the majority were pay bars, not by much, though.

I do remember my friends loving the fact ours was a free bar. It seemed they were surprised by that. But as I said, v cheap venue, and working class parents.

SpringHeeledJack · 06/07/2012 19:28

hoh, yeah

those freeloading gits guests who travel across the country, have to arrange childcare and stay in a traveldodgy for the night and wear a horrid dress from Debenhams and a fascinator and shoes that don't fit AND THEN have to buy an engraved gravy boat off a John Lewis list

the grabby bastards. They can pay for their food AND their booze

huuuumphh

whenyouseeitwaveorcheer · 06/07/2012 19:30

There's no HAVE to about it though, is there springheeled? If you can't afford/don't want to go then you decline.

Hownoobrooncoo · 06/07/2012 19:32

And also, a free bar is lovely if the hosts can afford it or that is whatbthey want to do. I would never dream of criticising or being snotty about a wedding where you had to buy some extra drinks yourself.

I've never went to a wedding bitching about the bride and grooms choices, just been happy to be there and to have been invited.

OhCobblers · 06/07/2012 19:34

Can't seem to stay away from this thread Grin

OP I asked my partner to ask if it was a pay bar or free bar .... The reply he got from groom was "Of course it's a pay bar we're paying for the wedding...

You see thats where everyone is different, when DH and i were planning our wedding as far as we were concerned all the booze was a natural "wedding" cost. I think where we fell short was actually providing enough choice of soft drinks!!

OP i still maintain YANBU, you are used to a certain way of doing things with all the weddings you've attended and you're just checking to see if this one will be any different. I get it!!

Lottie13 · 06/07/2012 19:36

I'm another with overwhelming majority of weddings attended having free bars - my own, in Scotland, in England, in Ireland, all over really. No problem if it's a paying bar but why not add that to the myriad other practical details?

So OP IMHO YANBU!

stuffitunderthebed · 06/07/2012 19:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

YouOldSlag · 06/07/2012 19:42

I have been to 25 weddings. One was a free bar. The others were pay bar, which is, IME, normal and nothing to be surprised at. My Dutch friend says they do it differently, but in the UK, I am genuinely surprised that there are so many free bars. I had no idea it was so widespread. Big shock to me.

Incidentally, the combined families of myself and DH drinking themselves stupid at our wedding (still bitter) would have meant having to sell our bloody house to pay their booze bills.

JamieandTheOlympicTorch · 06/07/2012 19:45

stuffit - NO, you should be providing the more alcoholic heavyweight ones with the means to get out of their skulls. 6 glasses may not be enough. And what if some of your guest want beer? Eh? Eh?

AmberLeaf · 06/07/2012 19:46

if your happy on the wine provided this often lasts well into the night

What one bottle? I'm not an alcoholic but I think I'd drink more than one bottle over 10hours.

I'm equally amused at the thought that your not allowed any 'showy stuff' unless you pay everyone's drink bill

Well...having showy stuff negates the idea that a bar is too much £££, I think there has been a shift in attitudes so that the showy stuff has become more important to some than the traditions of giving your guests hospitality.

FamiliesShareGerms · 06/07/2012 19:49

It's always the wedding threads that get so much comment on Mumsnet, isn't it?

I guess what the small question ("would you expect it to say on the invite if it was a cash bar or not?") has shown is that different people have different views on what it means to be a wedding guest. Thinking about my experiences, the majority we have been to have been weddings of close friends and family (but we have lots of those, hence lots of weddings over the last few years). These are mostly people who would be happy to buy us a meal and drinks. And the litmus test we applied to our guest list is whether we would be happy to pay for a meal and drinks for them normally, and if not, they didn't make the cut. So it really isn't a "free ride" (even without getting into the costs of hotels etc), just sort of standing your mates a round but on a grand scale, and it gets repaid either in kind or in other ways. I honestly don't see it as "freeloading" to accept hospitality from my friends, whether a meal at their home or at a big do. But I have said lots of times that I also don't care if I have to buy my own drinks, I just like to know in advance.

I don't know what is wrong with telling people that it will be a cash bar. It's one of those bits of info that surely isn't offensive but can be helpful to your guests in planning their arrangements? Same as "you might want to book your taxi home in advance as not many firms come out to this village and they tend to get very busy after 10pm", or "there are rooms reserved in the hotel for wedding guests, or the nearest Travelodge is about 10mins away in a taxi". No?

FamiliesShareGerms · 06/07/2012 19:52

StuffIt sounds lovely, esp the two glasses of bubbly for toasts!

StarryCole · 06/07/2012 19:56

its also cultural. majority of asian and black weddings ive been to include free bars. its the norm but also maybe due to the social circles i mix in. unless i know the couple well i assume its a free bar due to affordability these days. Grin

FamiliesShareGerms · 06/07/2012 19:57

Just remembered an anecdote from a wedding I attended that still makes me Shock 10 years on...

Bride's father decided to put some money behind the bar as a surprise for the bride and groom. They had told the hotel it was a cash bar (and they had told me, so I was happy that I knew in advance :) ), and the father's gesture wasn't communicated to the bar staff in time for the first guests coming in. So they charged a couple of people for their drinks. Word then went round that it was a free bar, so one guest went back to the bar and asked for (and got!) a refund on the drink she had already bought...

stuffitunderthebed · 06/07/2012 19:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

StarryCole · 06/07/2012 19:58

oh i dont mean to sound racist, nearly all caucasian weddings ive been to also include a free bar but thats cos they can afford it. its the norm in my social circles but appreciate thats not normally the case.

PorkyandBess · 06/07/2012 20:01

Although I think traditional weddings should provide a free bar, if it was not the case, I think it would be rather gauche to put it on the invite!

Thymeout · 06/07/2012 20:02

Yes Amberleaf. Couldn't agree more. The Cockney tradition is all about hospitality, not 'grabby guests'.

If choosing a posh hotel with all the trimmings means a pay bar at inflated prices, you'd be regarded as 'kippers and curtains' - trying to make out you're something you're not. Just so you can say 'Oh we got married at XXX'. Fine,but not if it's at your guests' expense.

Hownoobrooncoo · 06/07/2012 20:05

StuffIt -

sounds lovely and most of us would appreciate that. I love a good wedding!

catinboots · 06/07/2012 20:06

I agree with Thyme ^

WhosPickleisThatOnion · 06/07/2012 20:07

Amber, where did I ever say one bottle?

YouOldSlag · 06/07/2012 20:09

So, hang on, are people saying if you can't foot your guests's alcohol bill you should get married on the cheap so that you can? So if you want a hotel wedding but a pay bar, you should get married somewhere cheaper so that you can pay for all your guests' drinks?

I am aghast.

Everybody I know, every wedding I have been to (except one) has been a pay bar after the meal and toasts etc. I am learning a lot today!

AmIthatbad · 06/07/2012 20:12

I should maybe read the whole thread, but FWIW, I have never, ever been to a wedding where it is a free bar. Why would there be?

LordFlasheart · 06/07/2012 20:13

I am in London, not jewish, working class, and every wedding I have ever been to has been free bar. It is the norm around here. I'd expect to be told in some manner if it wasnt (prob not on invite -but certainly by bride/groom).

At least a grand behind the bar is the norm. And sometimes the brides dad gets a bit merry and puts another grand on. Most are free all night though, and this is budgeted for when planning wedding. I wouldnt feel comfortable not having a free bar personally, as its the norm for me/my friends/family/this area.