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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think if people are having a pay bar they should say so on invite?

855 replies

GlassofRose · 06/07/2012 10:40

I'm going to a wedding next week and my partner is the best man. The couple have been a bit funny with partner this year being very pedantic over what he can and can't write in his speech to the point he told them to write it for them. He's also been in trouble with the bride for getting the groom drunk on his stag night (a whole month before the wedding). They also originally didn't invite me, then invited me to evening only (I'll be travelling up there the night before with my partner so would have been twiddling thumbs in hotel till evening) until my partner asked for me to be invited properly.

I asked my partner to ask if it was a pay bar or free bar as I just had an inkling these two are having a wedding they can't really afford although there was no mention of it on the invite. The reply he got from groom was "Of course it's a pay bar we're paying for the wedding...

Either way, Do you think if guests are expected to be paying for their own drink it should be mentioned on the invite?

OP posts:
PeppermintCreams · 06/07/2012 18:28

I've never been to a wedding with a free bar. Just the usual free welcome drinks, and wine with dinner.

I've heard of a couple of weddings with free bars, but the receptions have been in unlicensed halls and the booze brought from cash and carrys or booze cruises, and they've paid someone to man the bar.

There was one wedding I went to where the brides father handed out wedges of cash to the best man and ushers and got them to take it in turns to stand at the bar buying everyone drinks. Great idea - everyone got free drinks but nobody took the mick.

AmberLeaf · 06/07/2012 18:29

But Whospickle is anyone denying the existance of a paying bar?!

bumperella · 06/07/2012 18:30

Surely the norm now is to have a welcome drink on arrival, wine with meal, and somethin fizzy for toasts after the meal. After that a cash bar.
Most people aren't able to pay for all the drinks for wedding guests, it's going to be a big bill after all - say 50 guests spending £20 each (average) is £1000, and most folk have more than 50 people they "have" to invite and many of those will drink more than £20....

WhosPickleisThatOnion · 06/07/2012 18:30

I think only one person said that amber.

I wouldn't disbelieve anyone else's experiences.

MrsMoosickle · 06/07/2012 18:30

Can't be bothered reading all, I'd never expect anyone to buy my drinks at a wedding, they pay for the wedding. If I was in any doubt, I would have just played it by ear. No way would I have asked.

YABU

Pandemoniaa · 06/07/2012 18:30

Having a pay bar is not a question of trying to be posh either. Although I question that anyone so concerned about poshness is other than rather aspiring themself.

WhosPickleisThatOnion · 06/07/2012 18:31

Everyone's weddings are different, I don't get why everyone has to conform to anyone else's ideal.

EugenesAxe · 06/07/2012 18:34

YABU but they sound like arses on just about every other point...

I would always take money and hope I wouldn't need it! We paid for everyone's drinks at our wedding... but it wasn't a bar in a hotel so it was a bit different. If I was going to a hotel I'd generally assume I was paying.

Hownoobrooncoo · 06/07/2012 18:38

I said it, I said it! And yes I do find it strange (almost unbelievable) that people are saying they have been to loads of weddings (maybe we should define loads) and everyone has been a free bar. Unless it is a cultural thing and you only go to weddings where it is the culture to have a free bar. According to this thread, more people have experience of paying bars then free bars. So the general norm for the UK would it seem be to pay for some drinks with total free bars being more unusual.

AmberLeaf · 06/07/2012 18:47

So the general norm for the UK would it seem be to pay for some drinks with total free bars being more unusual

You mean the general norm for mumsnet surely?

You implied people were lying which was a bit silly really.

Thymeout · 06/07/2012 18:55

I come from a mixed-class family - Old Etonian meets Cockney. Haven't been to any weddings for a bit so things may have changed. But the O.E.'s tended to have a morning service, posh buffet lunch and then wedding cake and tea. Marquee or hotel. Cockneys had afternoon weddings and a knees up in the evening, with more substantial buffet, usually in some sort of social club. Money behind the bar or self-catered. Neither expected guests to put their hands in their pockets. Would definitely be regarded as tight.

I don't know why people are taking this so personally. It's v interesting how social customs vary.

I'm another one that hates the all-day and night occasion. It's just too long and my feet hurt in my posh shoes.

OP - you are not being at all unreasonable. It's downright insulting not to invite the best man's longstanding partner to the main event, not to mention expecting him to pay for his suit hire.

FamiliesShareGerms · 06/07/2012 18:59

I've been to loads of weddings, mostly in the SE and not from any particular "culture" where there has been a free bar for most, if not all, of the night. Maybe I've just been lucky (I'm certainly not posh!).

I am genuinely confused, though, by people thinking it's vulgar to mention money on the invite (as in "there will a cash bar in the evening"), but not to expect your guests to dip into their own pockets rather than enjoy your hospitality for the whole event.

WhosPickleisThatOnion · 06/07/2012 19:00

I think it's rude to expect a free ride all day and all night.

Especially when you have had free food and usually quite a lot of free drinks.

Yes it's nice if it's there but I wouldn't expect it. Or moan about it.

Hownoobrooncoo · 06/07/2012 19:05

No I mean for the UK.

WhosPickleisThatOnion · 06/07/2012 19:07

Mumsnet is the only place I would expect people to be rude enough to pass comment on the lack of a free bar!

In real life, never!

AmberLeaf · 06/07/2012 19:09

Well the entire UK isn't on this thread so you can't really say that.

I'm laughing at the suggestion a wedding being a 'free ride' though!

Has anyone mentioned 'entitled' yet.

BuntyCollocks · 06/07/2012 19:10

YABU. A pay bar has nothing to do with whether they can afford their wedding! What a rude assumption. Where I'm from a pay bar is the norm. As others posters have said, drink on arrival, wine on the table, and champagne for the toast is what I'd say is 'average'. Anything else is a bonus.

I thought free bars were an American tradition.

hatesponge · 06/07/2012 19:12

I don't think you can expect a free bar any more, certainly not in the sort of v expensive hotels that many people now favour for their weddings, becase that pls the basic cost of the wedding would be enormous. A colleague is currently booking her wedding and is looking at £100 a head which buys initial drink & small canapes, 3 course meal with a glass or two of wine pp & coffee after oh and champagne for the toast. I dread to think what paying for the bar would cost on top of that.

I have been to lots of weddings where everything was free. However none of them were in hotels - all were marquee in the garden, community centre hall, pub function room type of thing.

Thymeout · 06/07/2012 19:15

You wouldn't pass comment, but obviously in the South East you'd be a bit surprised, and possibly financially embarrassed, if it turned out you were paying for your drinks at the evening party. Especially if you hadn't been invited to the A list freebies earlier in the day.

WhosPickleisThatOnion · 06/07/2012 19:15

I think that it is expecting a total free ride if you complain about spending some money in the evening. In the main there are plenty of drinks provided and all your meals, if your happy on the wine provided this often lasts well into the night. I'm equally amused at the thought that your not allowed any 'showy stuff' unless you pay everyone's drink bill!!!

If you think a wedding is going to be too expensive your under no obligation to attend.

TandB · 06/07/2012 19:15

YWBVU to ask. If the information wasn't provided then surely you just take money in case it is needed rather than making an issue of it - and asking the question is inevitably going to look like you are making an issue of it.

I think it was rude not to invite you but I don't think pushing the point and then querying the arrangements will have made you look particuarly good.

As far as the paid/free bar thing goes, I have been to a vast range of weddings, from low-cost, basic affairs, to vast affairs where the parents were wealthy enough to pay for a lavish, all-inclusive wedding. The only weddings with entirely free drinks were the ones at people's homes (2 very wealthy sets of parents with big houses and lots of land). All the ones at venues had bars that you paid for.

SpringHeeledJack · 06/07/2012 19:18

I've made up my mind on reading this thread- and thinking of Wedding Hassle/expense (for guests)- that a free bar is the way to go when we finally get married

mind you, we're as old as the hills, as are our mates, so everyone will probably have a dry sherry then have to Sit Down

WhosPickleisThatOnion · 06/07/2012 19:19

It's making me want to elope, although we are getting on to and eloping sounds tiring.

Hownoobrooncoo · 06/07/2012 19:22

Well I'd say that people complaining about paying for a few drinks after being given quite a few free drinks are coming across as more grabby than those who are quite happy to save their family/friends more expense by buying some drinks themselves.

TheNightWatch · 06/07/2012 19:23

My friend is having a Cockney knees up when she gets married and, she's told us its a free bar, pet tradition. I read that the OP is fro
a similar background? So that's why she probably asked. I would never expect it but, I have been to weddings in Ireland in the past where it's always been a free bar.