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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think if people are having a pay bar they should say so on invite?

855 replies

GlassofRose · 06/07/2012 10:40

I'm going to a wedding next week and my partner is the best man. The couple have been a bit funny with partner this year being very pedantic over what he can and can't write in his speech to the point he told them to write it for them. He's also been in trouble with the bride for getting the groom drunk on his stag night (a whole month before the wedding). They also originally didn't invite me, then invited me to evening only (I'll be travelling up there the night before with my partner so would have been twiddling thumbs in hotel till evening) until my partner asked for me to be invited properly.

I asked my partner to ask if it was a pay bar or free bar as I just had an inkling these two are having a wedding they can't really afford although there was no mention of it on the invite. The reply he got from groom was "Of course it's a pay bar we're paying for the wedding...

Either way, Do you think if guests are expected to be paying for their own drink it should be mentioned on the invite?

OP posts:
WhosPickleisThatOnion · 06/07/2012 17:51

And I don't think it's crass regarding the evening party. A work colleague asked us to call in for a drink in the evening and it was nice to do so for an hour or so.

Hownoobrooncoo · 06/07/2012 17:52

Marriedinwhite. - then your way and what you expect is more unusual and not the norm, but carry on. And most people have said that they provide drinks for the guests - just not a totally open bar.

perfumedlife · 06/07/2012 17:52

WhosPickle are you referring to Marriedinwhite's post? I don't think she was suggesting not marrying atall. Merely cutting costs to afford to host if fully.

FWIW I totally agree wth you Marriedinwhite.

squoosh · 06/07/2012 17:53

Shocking cheek of some plebs, having the temerity not to get married in their second best hat and their neighbour's nylons.

usualsuspect · 06/07/2012 17:56

Surely Daddy pays for the wedding anyway , darlings

WhosPickleisThatOnion · 06/07/2012 17:56

I see what she is saying. I would want all our friends there, and as we have a lot I will not be having a free bar.

I'm sure if I asked them is it more important to not share the day or have to buy a few drinks they would be happy to do so, as I have been for them.

I also won't be spending more than I can afford, no castles or expensive hotels.

The drinks will be cheap, the guests will be happy.

JamieandTheOlympicTorch · 06/07/2012 17:57

Can't be arsed to read 17 pages.

YABU, I wouldn't expect a free bar. I'd expect some free drink on the table. But TBH if you are sooo concerned about this then perhaps you drink too much.

Had free bar at my wedding but crap venue

perfumedlife · 06/07/2012 17:57

That's not whats being said squoosh. I'm very working class, had a free bar and a wonderful meal with fresh langoustines but the venue was a plain restaurant with no place cards, no cake and no palavar. I think if you want to pretend you can afford the high life at the expense of your guests (and what expense, gifts, outfits, hotel rooms, transport to middle of nowhere) then you are only fooling yourself.

WhosPickleisThatOnion · 06/07/2012 17:58

Perfumed there are plenty of people who don't overspend as you say.

WhosPickleisThatOnion · 06/07/2012 18:00

And who on eArth dictates what outfit you wear? You are under no obligation to get a new expensive outfit.

squoosh · 06/07/2012 18:02

I'm not suggesting that people getting themselves into debt for their wedding is a good idea. These days though there's a real trend for saying my wedding cost 5 shillings and a piece of rope and was better than any fancy do that cost trillions.

Maybe it was but it's all about choices. To some people weddings are all about the fripperies, the cars, flowers blah blah blah, you placed more important on the food and drink. Choices, that's all.

My suggestion is that people elope!

TheLightPassenger · 06/07/2012 18:02

My wedding was in a pub with 3 course meal, and wine and soft drinks at the tables. Just no free bar. No trimmings. But I didn't want to get in to debt to allow people to get hammered, clearly I had the wrong attitude to a wedding Hmm

chickydoo · 06/07/2012 18:04

Glassof rose
I've never been to a wedding either where there has been a pay bar.
I'm in my 40's, have been to masses of weddings, not one that I can remember where you had to pay for drinks, seems odd to me???
Why would you hold a celebration, expect people to travel the country, possibly buy a new outfit, a gift, pay for accom and travel and then buy their own drinks too. YANBU. all seems very stange to me.

WhosPickleisThatOnion · 06/07/2012 18:04

It is about choices. Rather than a fancy venue it's really important to me all my friends can come, and when me and dp added them all up it came to a lot with family. I therefore will have a cheap venue, no fancy food and at some point they will have to buy some of their own drinks, which I'll make sure are reasonably priced.

I don't see the harm in that.

squoosh · 06/07/2012 18:04

I think if you want to pretend you can afford the high life at the expense of your guests (and what expense, gifts, outfits, hotel rooms, transport to middle of nowhere) then you are only fooling yourself.

Many people have made it clear that for them paying for drinks is not an imposition.

WhosPickleisThatOnion · 06/07/2012 18:05

I've had enough, I'm eloping.

squoosh · 06/07/2012 18:06

Be prepared, you'll probably elope wrong too! Grin

newmummytobe79 · 06/07/2012 18:06

Sorry, but I can't be bothered to read 17 pages either! But I would never expect a free bar at a wedding! We provided wine/beers on the tables and a drinks token as the favour - but to fund everyones night out - no way!

I wouldn't expect a friend who invited me out for a birthday meal to foot the bill, nor a girls night out to be funded by the person who arranges it!

Everyone knows a wedding is an expensive occasion - for both the couple getting married and the guests - so either go and enjoy it for what it is, or don't.

WhosPickleisThatOnion · 06/07/2012 18:09

Grin I'll check debretts.

marriedinwhite · 06/07/2012 18:13

We got married over 20 years ago. We used the family cars, had flowers from the garden, a tent at the back, a reception that went on into the evening for the 100 or so guests who were invited to the wedding, a cake made by friends, no favours, no balloons, no ridiculously expensive designer wedding dresses or outfits, one bridesmaid, one string quartet. It was small, modest and generous and we didn't ask anyone to pay for anything. There was good quality sparkling wine, pimms and barrels of beer and a sit down meal. Most of the money was spent on the guests. I would have preferred a "do" in the chuch hall for less than half that than to have had a trying to be "posh" affair where we expected guests to pay for themselves.

I have a colleague who spent £20k on a wedding two years ago and is now whingeing that she had to come back to work when her baby was 5 months because she and her partner are so skint. Surely it's about priorities.

shewhowines · 06/07/2012 18:14

But if you cut the number of guests so that you can provide free booze for those you do invite, you risk upsetting parents because you don't invite old Aunt Maud twice removed, or you insult a huge number of friends who are offended because they aren't invited. A no brainer for me.

And Op - That is exactly what these people did. They did not invite you because they couldn't afford that but then you moan because you weren't invited and there is no free bar. Not saying that is right because it isn't, but you do contradict yourself. They did "cut their cloth" and not invite you.

Hownoobrooncoo · 06/07/2012 18:15

All our family and friends weddings in our working class town have a pay bar and lots of free wine etc during the meal (unless it was in a commu ity hall or in your house). TBH, people would-be surprised at a free bar and probably think you were up yourself if you had one and making a point you gad more money than everyone else.

Ephiny · 06/07/2012 18:18

We had a small wedding with a sit-down meal too, and guests didn't pay for anything. I still don't see the problem with people buying their own drinks afterwards in the evening though.

AmberLeaf · 06/07/2012 18:23

Why do people keep repeating that they have never seen a free bar?

It is quite obviously a cultural/regional thing as many here have said its normal for there to be a free bar in their family/circle.

Just because its not normal for you doesn't mean its made up (as someone accused) or that it isn't the norm for the OP and lots of others who have posted here.

I've been to weddings where not a lot of money was spent and have even taken a bottle to put at the bar, I didn't mind that, its the ones that have spent loads on showy stuff then expect guests to pay for drinks its that that I find 'wrong'.

WhosPickleisThatOnion · 06/07/2012 18:25

And vice versa amber? Thats the whole question that's why people are saying.