To think if people are having a pay bar they should say so on invite?

[GlassofRose]

I'm going to a wedding next week and my partner is the best man. The couple have been a bit funny with partner this year being very pedantic over what he can and can't write in his speech to the point he told them to write it for them. He's also been in trouble with the bride for getting the groom drunk on his stag night (a whole month before the wedding). They also originally didn't invite me, then invited me to evening only (I'll be travelling up there the night before with my partner so would have been twiddling thumbs in hotel till evening) until my partner asked for me to be invited properly.

I asked my partner to ask if it was a pay bar or free bar as I just had an inkling these two are having a wedding they can't really afford although there was no mention of it on the invite. The reply he got from groom was "Of course it's a pay bar we're paying for the wedding...

Either way, Do you think if guests are expected to be paying for their own drink it should be mentioned on the invite?

I must have been to over twenty weddings with no free bar. Others are saying the same thing.

So it's obviously not the norm.

And that's a wide range of people as well from different parts of the country.

I don't think it is greedy to expect a free bar, in attending a wedding the guest is paying for trave, hotel for the night, often a new outfit and trip to hairdressers too. Being expected to pay your own drinks on top just makes the host look tight.

i don't think it is snobbish to say you shouol cut your cloth to your means, if you can't afford the tab in a place where it is £6 per glass of wine, have your reception in a venue where they don't charge corkage and let you bring your own booze.

Interesting comments from others about prefering a pay bar with more choice than just red and white wine, what is it that people want to drink otherwise? I don't drink beer or lager but ibv some people prefer it - but wouldn't bottles do?

Where we are having our wedding there is a seperate (student) bar (it is my old university) - this thread has made me decide to put some money behind there for people who want draft beer/lager/spirits

Surely the best compromise depends on the individual situation and the couple.

If you know your friends are the types who'd rather come along and have a few drinks with you (and pay for their drinks) rather than not come at all, then I don't see the problem. No one is obliged to stay for drinks after the wedding if they'd rather not, and while of course it's good manners to provide refreshments for your guests, I don't think there's any obligation to provide them with unlimited drinks all evening.

I am amazed at the idea of paying £400 to attend someone else's wedding though. I probably wouldn't go if it was going to cost me that much!

Personally (as others have mentioned) i find pay bars quite expensive because the hotel's usually massively overcharge. One wedding i went to DP and i spent fortunes. It was an early wedding and the drinks were extortionate (£4.50 for an orange juice). Also the B&G did not supply any drinks at all. Nothing for toasts or on the table with dinner.

Most weddings i have been to do have a pay bar. BUT, I am also a londoner OP and my family are cockney, and all the east end weddings have been a free bar. So not sure whether it's a cultural thing (a bit like my big fat gypsy wedding!). However, at every one i've been to people have taken the piss and there has been fights/vomiting/waste etc.

I take cash and expect to pay in the evening, but also do expect some refreshments from the B&G in the form of welcome/table/toast drinks.

This thread makes me more determined to fuck off and tell no one elope when OH gets back from sea

How

Free drinks for me is not the most important thing. I'd say if you invite guests to celebrate with you then surely they are a pretty important part of your wedding.

I do have some very strong opinions on weddings. Mostly stemming from the way my family and friends have treated marriage as by repetitively divorcing. Also due to the fact that the wedding dress and all of the aesthetics becoming more important than saying your vows and spending valuable time with loved ones.

Girls grow up dreaming of having a wedding and looking their best and having a disney fairytale more than making a commitment and working at weddings. I don't like what the institution has become so it's not something I'd ever choose for myself.

Perhaps I come across as snotty and bitter. Never mind. I was only interested as to whether people would prefer a bit of warning they were expected to cough up for their drinks, because whether it is snotty or not I believe it is good courtesy to give warning because within my community free bars are the norm.

Hulababy - Too late to book another hotel as non refundable deposit paid last year (apparently £200 is a discount rate for those rooms haha)

Whopickle -

I have no idea why you're implying I'm going to find the wedding traumatic or assuming I've implied things I have not. Interesting to read though

So sorry to anyone I've unintentionally offended.

I'm going to take my "snobby" self off now.

Take care ladies

A wedding is a long day.

By the time your meal is finished and you've had a few glasses of wine during, I find food soaks it all up and I feel tired rather than remotely merry.

I would tend to have more in the evening part than during the meal anyway.

In my community, free bars are VERY rare. If this is the done thing for you, then yes it should have been mentioned.

I understand there are issues with this couple, and I agree with you some of their behaviour is very rude.

But I think it's very sad when people project their own issues on other people's weddings. So you prefer it when it's done your way. So what, does it matter?

Why is it ok for you to be prescriptive about how/what a wedding day should be but not ok for a bride and groom to do it?7

Ambivalence they may look tight to you because you're not used to pay bars. I've never once heard a guest at any wedding I've been to complain that the hosts were tight. Just say to yourself 'free bars aren't everyone's norm'.

Red wine
White wine
Beer . . .

um spirits??

I don't think people are saying that free drinks are important. It makes no difference to me as I rarely drink. It's quite funny that I was accused of telling fibs. I'm in London and have attended lots of Jewish weddings, all have had a free bar. I've been to a few non-Jewish weddings and none of these had a free bar. I'm sure it is a cultural thing.

interesting thread. Whilst personally I would assume a pay bar, with any free drinks as a nice surprise, it seems that enough people would assume a free bar that it would be useful for people to know in advance to allow them to budget.

Must admit I am in the camp of not wanting to spend hundreds on thousands on getting my guests hammered. And I would not want a free bar at a wedding if it was going to lead to hosts/hosts' parents spending money they can't afford.

I'm another who has never been to a wedding with a free bar. Never had one at mine as it never occured to me that people even did this

I've never been to a wedding with a free bar, but equally i've never had the need to buy any drinks in additon to whatever was provided. A pay bar in itself is not a lack of hospitality unless you think hospitality only equals as much alcohol as you can down.

@crashdoll the interesting thing about jewish weddings (only been to two) is that it is ok to ask/expect money as a gift which many on mn see as grabby.

it is purely cultural.

plus do jewish peole tend to drink as much as everyone else? genuine q...

I don't think it's at all tight to have a paid bar in the evening. I've never heard anyone complain at a wedding and if I did I would find that rude I have to say.

Last wedding I went to I had a lovely three course meal, drinks on arrival, copious amounts of wine and then at about 8 ish the bar opened and I bought a few spending about thirty pounds. I also had a tasty evening buffet.

Can't see the problem!

we had a free bar at ours till we went to bed - it was surprisingly inexpensive. After that it was up to the guests if they wanted more.

50 people (a lot of them keen drinkers) only $750 ! 5 star hotel too.

champagne cost 2 grand tho

most weddings aren't free bars in my experience but we just wanted to do it that way - it was a v relaxed wedding, more of a party.

no-one took the piss that i was aware of.

squoosh i haven't heard people complain that the hosts were tight, but i have heard many people complain the choice that the hotel had was awful and ridiculously overpriced and therefore the B&G could have been more considerate with their choice. The last wedding i went to (in Windsor) was £6 per bottle of lager.

When you are there all day, that really adds up.

I remember a wedding at a castle in Scotland which everyone paid at least £500 each to attend and took 3 days off work. There was a definite ripple when it emerged it was a pay bar. Also the B&G were really angry when people didn't get them presents. They spent about 25k and felt the guests should have been more grateful to be invited.

whenyousee

I have not projected my issues on the couple at all. I disagree with pay bars, BUT i'm willing to pay at theirs. I would have liked to have been told as the cost of their wedding is slowly racking up for us considering the fact that he has to pay for his hired suit was dropped on him. It was a case of could you give us a heads up.

Clearly people do not understand the point I'm trying to get across and some may disagree with it.

Please don't tell me that I am projecting issues on to people etc because I know full well that I am and have not.

The couple have no clue how I feel about weddings or how I feel about pay bars. All my partner did is ask if their bar was free or paid. No projection, no insulting, no pestering or what anyone else would like to accuse me of.

I've said before, I enjoy these threads and I appreciate the honesty on them. I do feel that some people quite possibly post negatives on here for whatever reason.

I really should just exit this now.

I think it's completely fair enough to complain if the pay bar is an extortionate one. That's out of order.

We had Pimms served on arrival at our reception. My mum, who doesn't normally drink, was very red faced and squiffy. She'd had one, felt a bit 'hot' so had another to cool down, and another as she kept getting 'hotter'. Silly moo didn't realise it was alcohol. :o

I do accept annoyance at very extortionate hotel prices.

We had a free bar at our wedding in Scotland. I would rather look after our guests and forgo some of the frivolous trimmings. I think it's a bit vulgar to mention money in an invitation so I would surmise that unless a free bar was mentioned, it's safe to assume there's a pay bar.

I wouldn't go to that wedding though Op if I were you. Rude to invite your dp and not you to the full day. Changing it later on request doesn't negate that rudeness.

*@crashdoll the interesting thing about jewish weddings (only been to two) is that it is ok to ask/expect money as a gift which many on mn see as grabby.

it is purely cultural.

plus do jewish peole tend to drink as much as everyone else? genuine q...*

It was ok to ask and expect for money but slightly less so since wedding lists have moved into the forefront. Personally, asking for money (unless from close relatives) makes me uncomfortable and always has done.

Young Jewish people seem to drink as much as others but it isn't considered acceptable to get sloshed.