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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think if people are having a pay bar they should say so on invite?

855 replies

GlassofRose · 06/07/2012 10:40

I'm going to a wedding next week and my partner is the best man. The couple have been a bit funny with partner this year being very pedantic over what he can and can't write in his speech to the point he told them to write it for them. He's also been in trouble with the bride for getting the groom drunk on his stag night (a whole month before the wedding). They also originally didn't invite me, then invited me to evening only (I'll be travelling up there the night before with my partner so would have been twiddling thumbs in hotel till evening) until my partner asked for me to be invited properly.

I asked my partner to ask if it was a pay bar or free bar as I just had an inkling these two are having a wedding they can't really afford although there was no mention of it on the invite. The reply he got from groom was "Of course it's a pay bar we're paying for the wedding...

Either way, Do you think if guests are expected to be paying for their own drink it should be mentioned on the invite?

OP posts:

MsOnatopp · 06/07/2012 16:26

OP you can keep trying to argue out your case but you asked AIBU? The VAST VAST VAST majority of people have told you... YABU That should tell you something.

Maybe it is your norm but you should never EXPECT it of anyone.

MsOnatopp · 06/07/2012 16:28

Are you seriously gonna drink more than 5 G&Ts or a bottle of wine and some water/soft drink??

£30 should be more than enough for drinks. If you cant even afford that just go for one or two softies. No big deal...

WhosPickleisThatOnion · 06/07/2012 16:28

You get fed and a varying amount of free ale. I don't think it's too much to ask to dip your hands in your pockets and buy a few drinks in the evening.

There is normally free wine of varying quantities but if I fancy spirits gin or a vodka later on I really would not expect to get it free.

To a certain degree you are in control of what you spend on going to a wedding, the present, your outfit, and where to stay.

You don't have to spend a fortune.

Original poster

GlassofRose · 06/07/2012 16:28

Cherriefroufrou

Not sure how staying at home would half my bill... Accomodation is £100 a night for a double room with deposit that had to be paid upfront. Hotel is packed out with the rest of the guests too so no downgrading.
Cost of travel & suit would still be the same...

I'm not bitter but if it makes of someone you on here feel better to write it then please yourselfs :)

OP posts:

sensuallettuce · 06/07/2012 16:29

I have in the past taken a bottle of voddy in my handbag to weddings where I have known the bar is a little pricy and just bought coke all night

Hulababy · 06/07/2012 16:29

Why not just assume it would be a cash bar and then if it was free when you got there it is just an added benefit?

I think offering people a drink or two of wine during the meal is enough, followed by a hot drink after it maybe. If people want to drink more it should be at their own expense.

WhosPickleisThatOnion · 06/07/2012 16:30

The last one we went to sensual the men all went to the shops and set up a little booze supply...

Original poster

GlassofRose · 06/07/2012 16:31

OP you can keep trying to argue out your case but you asked AIBU? The VAST VAST VAST majority of people have told you... YABU That should tell you something.

A good deal of people have agreed with me also. Should I shut up because people who disagree with me say so?

OP posts:

Hownoobrooncoo · 06/07/2012 16:31

Glass

But you have been quite snotty about the pay bar, as though it is not the done thing, a bit crass. I'm sure you said serial times along the lines of 'well if they can't afford' and 'they should cut theircloth to suit their means ' - meaning that you think free drinks for you is the most important thing, never mind that this would mean they don't get the wedding they want and have planned for.

valiumredhead · 06/07/2012 16:32

I wouldn't dream of drinking myself under the table at someone else's expense btw!

squoosh · 06/07/2012 16:32

Amber I think it comes down to some people genuinely not knowing that some of their guests would expect a free bar. They're not trying to insult you it just wouldn't occur to them if it wasn't in their experience.

Everyone would prefer a free bar but clearly from this thread lots of people would be thrilled, excited and most of all, surprised to be offered one.

And it's a bit of a low dig about 'feeding and watering guests'. Pay bar weddings don't mean no free drinks.

AmberLeaf · 06/07/2012 16:34

MsOnatop. I think this thread has shown that its the norm for lots of people not just the OP.

Its also how its meant to be according to the correct wedding etiquette.

So that should tell you something.

WhosPickleisThatOnion · 06/07/2012 16:34

Agree with hownow.

Totally.

Hulababy · 06/07/2012 16:34

Glassofrose - is there no other hotel you could book which is cheaper? No travel lodge or premier inn nearby that you could get a taxi too? You could also chose not to drink alcohol which would reduce your bill and also enable you to drive afterwards to a cheaper hotel or b&b nearish by.
And it is pretty much up to you how much you spend on a gift - it's not even as you see them often afterwards anyway, so no reason to be lavish.

littlemissstan · 06/07/2012 16:35

Been reading this with interest as I'm planning a wedding and will be having a pay bar in the evening... We'll be providing welcome drinks (Pimms, fizz and local beer) plus table and toast wine, and I hope that people will understand us not being able to finance spirits etc as well... However, I will be including a line about it in the invite info - just because, as a few people have said, it's useful to know how much cash to bring, and our reception is in a little village pub with no nearby cashpoint.

When I was bridesmaid last year my DP was not invited AT ALL. But my lovely friend the bride wept whilst explaining that as her parents were paying for the wedding, they had insisted on a load of random aunts/uncles/cousins attending which meant that none of us (all friends from school) had a plus one. Have you considered something like this (though they do sound weird and controlly...)

WhosPickleisThatOnion · 06/07/2012 16:35

Well no one is forcing anyone to attend a wedding were the exact etiquette is not followed, if you find it that traumatic.

squoosh · 06/07/2012 16:36

Correct wedding etiquette? Oh please.

God forbid Debrett's will send the heavies around!

Cheriefroufrou · 06/07/2012 16:37

Well Amber tiers of cupcakes do not comply with traditional wedding etiquite either! Its meant to be fruit cake for fertility! But that doesn't mean its wrong to have chocolate cupcakes! Colour by numbers weddings are DULL!

AmberLeaf · 06/07/2012 16:38

And it's a bit of a low dig about 'feeding and watering guests'. Pay bar weddings don't mean no free drinks

No squoosh I know it doesn't mean no drinks but it does mean guests paying out which I'd rather not have to after the rest of the typical attending a wedding costs!

MsOnatopp · 06/07/2012 16:40

Amberleaf - not the majority.

For the majority it isn't the norm. It hasn't been for a good while now. Why you would agree to go anywhere without accounting for unexpected expense is beyond me. If I didn't have enough money for something and more just in case I wouldn't go.

To put it on the invite (as the OP was asking) would be very tacky.

WhosPickleisThatOnion · 06/07/2012 16:40

Amber you spend what you can afford both attending a wedding and having one.

I've been to some lovely weddings that have been done on a budget.

Cheriefroufrou · 06/07/2012 16:40

It DOESN'T mean all guests pay out, only guests who want more thatn 5 or 6 drinks pay out!

I'm pretty "done" after all the free reception and table drinks and after that its mostly water or maybe one or two g&ts MAX

by then most people are merry enough to have their dancing feet on, only a FEW guests CHOOSE to top up to any significant level with the pay bar!

AmberLeaf · 06/07/2012 16:40

I mentioned wedding etiquette as some here have implied this is not the done thing and a new thing to do or even only what rich people do.

It isn't.

AmberLeaf · 06/07/2012 16:43

I've been to some lovely weddings that have been done on a budget

Yes me too, best one had the reception in their house with food cooked by two neighbours and booze bought wholesale.

Cheriefroufrou · 06/07/2012 16:43

the "done thing" evolves and changes.. the only wedding I went to that still had fruit cake was my own, and that was only one tier (others choc and plain) and then only cause my mum got all wierd about the fertility supersition.

In my parents day every wedding cake was fruit cake, that was the done thing then but its not so much now!

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