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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

am I being shallow or is he an unchivalrous loser?

182 replies

jadebond007 · 05/07/2012 19:25

Soooooo...

I've been seeing this chap for about three months now. I really, really like him, but I'm put off by his lack of gentlemanliness.

Here's some examples:

We went to the chip shop. He made me give him a pound towards my meal. The chip man asked two chips and he replied no just one to share. The portion size was bullshit.

I'm on a healthy eating diet. He constantly buys me chocolate bars and really tries to push them on me. Like, I say no thanks, and he scoffs and says well I'm just going to leave it right next to you and we'll see what happens.

I showed him a video on youtube. He said, have you got any other awful videos to abuse me with.

He only walks halfway to meet me or pick me up from anywhere. If I have to get a taxi because it's late, he lets me pay for it. Oh, I think he once gave me half the fare.

We went out for a meal last night. I deliberately choose

OP posts:

lottiegb · 06/07/2012 10:58

Never go out with someone you feel embarrassed by. You should feel proud to be seen with your OH and they you.

solidgoldbrass · 06/07/2012 11:00

OP, have you previus experience of being abused, bullied, teased or made to feel inadequate? Because those are the main reasons you wouldn't have kicked this knobber to the kerb before now: that you percieve his rude, nasty behaviour as somehow 'normal'.

The only other reason I can think of for you putting up with him is that you have been getting a lot of social aggravation for being single and therefore you are desperate.

SandraSue · 06/07/2012 11:06

YANBU to think he's a git, YABU to expect him to pay for everything. You've only been together three months so it's not exactly a long-term relationship really, is it? (serious question). I don't expect my partner to pay for everything and we've been together almost 3 years.

SAYING THAT, he should pay for some things - letting you pay for EVERYTHING is a bit off

Quenelle · 06/07/2012 11:21

You wouldn't dare tell him to his face?
You don't like to ask him to repeat himself?

Don't end up stuck with someone who makes you feel like that. There are much nicer blokes out there.

But if you think a man should pay for you 70/30 you might have trouble finding a relationship that makes you happy. Generous is good, but generous and equal is better.

KenLeeeee · 06/07/2012 11:47

You shouldn't be finding this many issues to catalogue when you're just 3 months into a relationship. The stuff you've listed sounds irritating, but not generally like he's an actual dickhead (although the chocolate thing is very mean) but from how you've talked about him it sounds very much like the two of you are not even a bit compatible. I doubt very much that you're falling in love with him but more like you're a bit infatuated with him because of the areas where you do get along.

Dump him now and both move on, or wait it out a bit and dump him when you're both more attached and the break-up is more complicated. Either way I don't think there's a long term relationship to be found here.

Catkinsthecatinthehat · 06/07/2012 12:04

Huge red flag with his behaviour towards people working in shops -classic sign of a knobber. A good way to judge a person's character is to see how they behave towards those who can't answer back.

jen127 · 06/07/2012 12:13

Run Run Run If it bother's you now it will only get worse !

NovackNGood · 06/07/2012 12:25

You seem to be rather like you want to be living in a different century and being a kept woman. Are you Nancy D'ellollio? Maybe best you find a different man as you sound not happy with this one and are coming across as a bit emotionally abusive too.

Original poster

jadebond007 · 06/07/2012 12:48

I'm not concerned about being single. I was married, but the marriage broke up for various reasons. Basically we didn't ever get to see each other and we drifted apart. I was married to a really lovely man though. We're still very good friends.

And before you ask, yes my ex husband used to treat me and no I didn't take the piss. He would tell me to put my purse away when I went to pay for my share in the early days and after that it was all joint money.

I haven't heard back from the man I've been dating since I messaged him.

I hear what people are saying about expecting to be paid for. But at the minute, it's me paying for more and making all the compromises over where we meet and what we do. I do think it's the gentlemanly thing to do to treat a lady with some degree of deference but you can just sue me over that because that's my opinion! :o

OP posts:

Latara · 06/07/2012 13:02

Been there i'm afraid... :(

I bought a brush for my divorced neighbour to use on his cat (poor thing is moulting everywhere) - all of £3.60. I did ask him if he wanted the brush before i bought it.
Not seen the money yet...

Then there was the last 'man' i dated - basically i bought him more coffees & food than he ever bought me; despite him constantly reminding me, when he was pissed, that 'me man, you woman'. And texting me in horror if i dared to go out alone to Tesco in the dark, wanting me to tell him when i was 'safely home'!!

If he was that bothered about being the big hero then where was his wallet when we were at expensive coffee shops?!!

And the man who got out the calculator (on his mobile) to work out the price of our curries down to the last penny - i don't mind paying half but that level of tightness killed the romance totally.

rimmerfleadick · 06/07/2012 13:08

Any link to the youtube vid.

Tressy · 06/07/2012 13:11

I like a guy to treat me when out on dates. I used to be so independent and would always insist on paying half. Now that I'm older, I've changed and if they want the pleasure of my company they can stick their hand in their pockets. I usually do offer and if they insist on me giving money over I probably wouldn't go out with them again .

Except when it comes to the bigger things, like holidays etc. I will always pay my way for those.

He sounds like a tight arse tbh. OK if he needed a £1 to pay cash for the chippy, and I don't think he should necessarily be paying for your own taxi home but to ask for half for a meal is a bit mean.

Latara · 06/07/2012 13:21

My sister has also been there - her last boyfriend was a total leech. Same age, good job but not as well paid as her job; she owns a flat & he lived at a mate's.

He constantly forgot his wallet at expensive restaurants, only bought her presents that benefitted him (eg a TV for her bedroom - romantic, no) - yet tried to 'control' her with abusive behaviour (he even burnt her hand!!).
Basically he was jealous of her flat, her salary & of other men looking at her.

She has found that some men look for an easy life & a 'meal-ticket' just like some women do.
Personally i now let men think i rent my house.

nymeria · 06/07/2012 13:29

I don't see why you'd expect him to pay for your taxi, or why 'the man should pay for the lady'. Personally I find 'chivalry' a bit creepy.

However it's nice in a relationship to be able to treat each other and be generous and it not be a big deal. All the fussing over small amounts of money, insisting on everything being exactly 'fair', asking him to give you a pound etc would be off-putting to me.

So yes, he sounds quite unappealing, to say the least. But you also seem to have some odd ideas about money and gender.

NovackNGood · 06/07/2012 13:38

So basically Tressy you see yourself as an escort?

ChitChatFlyingby · 06/07/2012 13:50

You do realise that this is the point in a relationship where he is supposed to be going all out to impress you, don't you? If he's like this now, what on earth will he be like later??!!

Tressy · 06/07/2012 14:45

Ha, ha, yes maybe I do .

Tressy · 06/07/2012 14:46

Nah, I'm not that bad and mostly insist on paying my way but am happy to let a guy treat me to a meal in a relationship setting.

lisaro · 06/07/2012 14:53

Tressy your post at 13.11 is basically saying you sell yourself. Is that how you meant it to come across?

Tressy · 06/07/2012 15:01

OFGS pipe down. I was saying I like a guy to treat me on a date, when it's someone I'm seeing.

lisaro · 06/07/2012 15:03

No, what you said was 'if they'd like the pleasure of my company they can stick their hand in their pocket'. That sounds almost as if you charge by the hour. That's why I asked.

Tressy · 06/07/2012 15:05

Then you read it wrong. Have you never had a boyfriend treat you for dinner? That's what I meant.

nymeria · 06/07/2012 15:08

I don't necessarily agree with the idea that the man should 'treat' the woman rather than the other way round. But you are being a bit rude and odd lisaro...

lisaro · 06/07/2012 15:11

Course I have, and vice versa, but never expected anyone to pay for my company.

Tressy · 06/07/2012 15:12

Maybe the way I wrote it sounded wrong. I promise you I work full time in a reputable profession and am not a prostitute .

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