am I being shallow or is he an unchivalrous loser?

[jadebond007]

Soooooo...

I've been seeing this chap for about three months now. I really, really like him, but I'm put off by his lack of gentlemanliness.

Here's some examples:

We went to the chip shop. He made me give him a pound towards my meal. The chip man asked two chips and he replied no just one to share. The portion size was bullshit.

I'm on a healthy eating diet. He constantly buys me chocolate bars and really tries to push them on me. Like, I say no thanks, and he scoffs and says well I'm just going to leave it right next to you and we'll see what happens.

I showed him a video on youtube. He said, have you got any other awful videos to abuse me with.

He only walks halfway to meet me or pick me up from anywhere. If I have to get a taxi because it's late, he lets me pay for it. Oh, I think he once gave me half the fare.

We went out for a meal last night. I deliberately choose

I'm glad not to know either of you.

perhaps you deserve each other? you want to do healthy eating yet gravitate to chippies, you want to do healthy eating but cannot refuse chocolate, you want to do healthy eating yet choose an all you can eat buffet for a date? He seems grudging with his attentions, he doesn't share your taste in videos and resists your attempts to relieve him of his hard earned cash. Is this romance made in heaven, are you the best that he can do? and vice versa?

I don't want to be harsh, no really, but on the bright side you have high self esteem and expect to be treated well. You need to be adored.....

You run, now. Honestly these are BIG red flags and I'm not one of the usual 'leave the bastard' crowd.

On the face of it, it doesn't sound much. But I know what you mean. You are picking up on signs that in time will either grind you down or make you want to dump him. That comment he made about wanting to be given presents is just like a pathetic spoilt little boy.

Plus, when other men start commenting or reacting to him as the one in the Chinese, its very telling. Men don't normally do this. Normally they avoid commenting or interfering with other couples like the plague, unless they really feel the need to speak out.

I dated one guy a bit like this, and his behaviour reminded me of your one. Not quite the same but the same sort of thing. I could honestly have used him as a tool for being asked out by other men, not that I would have done it. It was just the galvanising effect his behaviour had on other men. They were picking up on something in his behaviour that wasn't quite right.

Men who are skinflints are even worse than those with small willys - run!

I can't cope with tight men - would be a deal breaker for me. He asked you to give a pound for your meal??

Also I've heard it said that tight people are also tight emotionally.

He sounds a complete knob but also there are names for people who expect to be bought. Maybe you're more suited than you realise, you'd certainly spoil another couple.

It depends on whether he also puts his hand in his pocket occasionally too?
I don't believe a bloke should necassarily pay the whole bill/taxi as it is a 1950s view and we are now in 2012 but yanbu about his attitude.
I say if you are not happy just 3 months in then you have problems, best get out of it

I've always been a 'split-the-bill' kind of person, especially in the early days of dating - but I also love generosity of spirit. I like to be treated, and I like treating people. Niggling over money does my head in.

So, I'll get a round. You get a round. I'll get a round. Maybe you'll get a round and a bag of crisps.

If you then mention that I 'owe' you for half the bag of crisps, I will be a bit . If you mention it more than once, you are sodding OUT OF LUCK, mate.

Also this: His teasing is mean and he's very hard to confront. He gets really easily offended and goes on about it so much, it's not worth mentioning.

Makes me shudder. Run, run for the hills and don't look back. I'm sure the sex is great and you feel all hormone-rush-happy about it, but YUCK he sounds like a fucking tool. Can't be criticised, subtly ignores your boundries, won't do anything he doesn't want to do... what a tosspot. Bin him, I'm sure the sex isn't good enough to put up with an unadventurous, mean, man.

You sound very entitled

I sent him a text this morning explaining that I really care about him but some of his behaviour is putting me off.

It had to be by text. I wouldn't dare tell him to his face. That's not a good sign is it either?

I remembered another thing. Sorry, there's so many. He's really rude to people. Like, people in shops. If they get something wrong with what he wants he points it out to them. Or the other day we got a taxi because it was raining. He said to the taxi driver it's next to this tree. The man drove past it and he had to tell him again and it wasn't in a very nice tone. The taxi driver didn't do it on purpose!

He gets really unreasonable if he has to repeat himself. Like if I don't hear him say something the first time, I don't like to ask him to repeat it because he gives me a really sour look and says I hate repeating myself.

A little from column A, a little from column B...

And you 'love' this guy.

He is mostly normal. It's just these things that I've mentioned that make me go er what the fuck.. In the middle of a perfectly lovely otherwise time.

He doesn't sound very nice.

Don't they say watch how he treats other people as thats a reflection of how he'd be treating you 10 years down the line. If he is rude to other people when they get things wrong that's how he'll be with you once the shine has worn off.

Run for the hills and consider it a lucky escape!

With the money thing I would expect it to be 50:50 (but more of a I take you out, you take me out rather than splitting bills). Any extra treats are nice but I certainly wouldn't expect a taxi to be paid for me.

sounds to me that by you calling him ungentlemenly you mean hes not being your taxi paying for your transport and food.

as for the youtube videos. whats that got to do with anything

There is a difference between 'chivalry' and 'women's independence'. In a nutshell, independence means paying for yourself or paying your share when you go out with others whether male or female. Chivalry is manners. My two grandsons 10 and 6 are being taught 'Ladies First' when we go through doors. But that sort of thing is not just down to men. A younger woman should let an older woman go first.

Get rid of him.

OP, there is no point in trying to analyse this. You are just not suited to each other. It's as simple as that.

were you single for a long time before this, or have you recently split up with another knobber?

There are much better men than this. Go and find one. You are 28, you want to spent 40 years wincing at his behaviour?

He sounds like a wanker to me, OP. I'm joining the near unanimous chorus of Leave The Bastard

Sorry OP, I'm probably being a bit thick here but I don't understand what you mean by
"It's just the practicalities, anything that isn't lying around in bed, just jars really horribly."

That reads to me as 'we have a good relationship as long as we're in bed at the time, but whenever we're outside the bedroom his behaviour grates on me.' Is that what you mean?

Regardless, you are not compatible. You have been together for three months only, at this 'honeymoon' stage most people are still on best-behaviour and trying to impress their new partner, hiding any aspect of themselves that they're less than proud of. If his behaviour irritates you now, it's not worth continuing the relationship.