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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To email the school re a man at the bus stop???

999 replies

JumpingThroughHoops · 30/06/2012 18:38

Well I have emailed, so no AIBU about it really Grin

Yesterday (Friday) 20 mins after primary school ended I saw a man at the bus stop outside the school. The bus stop usually has a large amount of teenaged girls waiting from the secondary opposite.

He was by himself indicating a bus had just been; there were no other adults or children around.

BUT. Earlier that morning the same man was at the primary sports day. He wasn't with a lady (for that read wife or partner), no reason why he should have been really, he might have been a single dad. BUT. He was chatting with another father, or rather he was listening as the other father waxed lyrical, pointing out his children and all their little friends, getting them to wave over.

Two months previous, I was on a train and he sat opposite me, with a French lady with two small girls (maybe 3 and 5). I assumed they were together, he knew their names. He carried their suitcase. I assumed the stilted conversation was because the lady didn't have English as a first language. I also assumed they were together because he was teasing one of the girls until she screamed in frustration. He was also asking lots of questions, but not in an obvious way, such as "when do you go home?" What are you doing tomorrow?" "is your Dad missing you?" - which of course I was oblivious to on the train because it was general chit chat.

See him at sports day and think it's that annoying wind up merchant again "oh, I didn't know there were little French girls at this school". There aren't any little French girls at the school and they were too young to be in the KS3 sports day anyway.

See him at the bus stop and think "hang on a min" gut instinct kicks in, something just isn't right here.

So I've emailed school with a full description, a set of circumstances and no accusations, because he wasn't actually doing anything suspiciously.

*disclaimer, I don't see a paedophile behind every tree, but I am a believer in gut instinct. I don't know why the red flags shot up when I saw him again. Probably because he was a bit of charmer, again not in an obvious way, he was just very good at ferreting out information from people.

Probably an entirely coincidental set of innocent circumstances and he is a listener rather than a talker.

Would you have emailed the school?

OP posts:
LemarchandsBox · 30/06/2012 19:33

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

JamieandTheOlympicTorch · 30/06/2012 19:33

Don't contact the police, OP. You don't have nearly enough evidence to do that.

Original poster
JumpingThroughHoops · 30/06/2012 19:34

I wouldn't contact the police. If there is anything untoward, the school will do that, re run the CCTV and take frames and contact.

OP posts:
JamieandTheOlympicTorch · 30/06/2012 19:35

I'd better leave this thread. I'm tying myself in knots.

Original poster
JumpingThroughHoops · 30/06/2012 19:36

I can't even tell you why he flagged on my radar - he just did. Let alone you all trying to make sense of it.

Something just wasn't 'right'.

OP posts:
HolyCameraConfusionBatman · 30/06/2012 19:40

anychocs the OP doesn't know that he doesn't have kids at the school, she's basing this on the fact that she didn't hear him mention any/he didn't point them out. He may well have been there watching his kids!

AnyoneForTennis · 30/06/2012 19:40

The same was said by many about the landlord in that recent murder case...., he didn't look right...... His life was ruined

seeker · 30/06/2012 19:43

And how do you think he got into the bloody school when sports day was on unless he was something to do with the school???

Original poster
JumpingThroughHoops · 30/06/2012 19:43

Tell you what, I'll phone the school on Monday and explain I was in the grips of some perimenopausal insanity

OP posts:
Original poster
JumpingThroughHoops · 30/06/2012 19:45

And how do you think he got into the bloody school when sports day was on unless he was something to do with the school???

The gates were wide open. A security risk, granted. No staff on the gates either. No tickets or checks on adults at all. You just wandered in, off the street.

OP posts:
HolyCameraConfusionBatman · 30/06/2012 19:46

Jumping the only thing any of us can do is what we think and feel is right. I think you did the wrong thing, but clearly you did it for the right reasons, you thought it through, you did what you felt was right. Your email to the school is clear that he hasn't actually done anything wrong and it's just your gut instinct, which I think is important. I do think that it is very, very, very important that you do not mention this to any other parents though. Not your best mate who won't tell anyone, not Carol from next door and definitely not Sharon. That's how rumours start, people get paranoid and some poor single father ends up labelled a paedo because he went to watch his DS at sports day and once got on a bus.

seeker · 30/06/2012 19:47

Ok, then if you want q campaign, there're one for you. Your school would instantly fail an OFSTED inspection on safeguarding if that's what happens.

HolyCameraConfusionBatman · 30/06/2012 19:48

I will say seeker that at my DC's primary school there are no checks on who is coming in to assembly/sports day/nativity play etc. There are too many parents/step parents/grandparents/older siblings/nannies/childminders/family friends/aunts/uncles/foster carers etc for the school to know exactly who everyone coming in is.

AnyoneForTennis · 30/06/2012 19:49

Thinking back, when dd used to play in a girls football team, many a random man on his own would rock up and watch. Nothing was ever said, we used to think he was maybe a talent scout. Same with boys footie I guess.

Original poster
JumpingThroughHoops · 30/06/2012 19:50

holycamera

I don't do school gates or interact with other parents. If I did, I would have asked who the bloke was. and mentioned what an annoying twat he was on the train

I actually live out of area for that primary.

OP posts:
AnyoneForTennis · 30/06/2012 19:50

Would they seeker? All the schools my 5 dc have attended have had the 'walk in arrangement. And we have moved around loads, so lots if schools do this.

NowThenWreck · 30/06/2012 19:51

I dont know if I would have done anything, such as emailing the school OP, but I get what you mean about gut feeling.

I had that weird feeling recently, when I was in a cafe with ds, and a man on the next table started up a conversation with me. Now, I will talk to anyone, and am not freaked by strangers of either gender chatting to me at all, but this man just felt..wrong. He was super friendly, and making really intense eye contact with me. Just, too eager, to interested in talking to us. If I had given him the slightest encouragement he would have come and sat with us. Every cell in my body was shouting "back off!"

It's sad that men can often get the finger pointed at them for perfectly innocent behaviour, BUT this is also true:
If paedophiles emitted a blue light, there would be a concentration of blue light around all schools, playgrounds, leisure centres and libraries.
They like to be where children are.An uncomfortable fact, and one we can't do much about, but a fact nonetheless.
And they can be quite brazen. And it is strange for anyone to be at a school sports day if they don't have a child there.

fireice · 30/06/2012 19:53

It isn't uncommon for people to make phone calls like this, and it can be useful. If, for example, someone known is recognised from the description then there can be a conversation about what they were doing at the sports day. If they aren't recognised then there is no harm done, it ist as if the OP has even passed on a name.

AnyoneForTennis · 30/06/2012 19:54

Who would initiate that 'conversation' then fireice

HolyCameraConfusionBatman · 30/06/2012 19:55

'And it is strange for anyone to be at a school sports day if they don't have a child there.'

True, but she doesn't know that he didn't have a child there!

fireice · 30/06/2012 19:56

Not the school.

anychocswilldo · 30/06/2012 19:56

holycamera I know but most people at least mention their kids when they are at a school event, especially as the other man was pointing out his children. I think op did the right thing! She made it very clear to the school that this man had done nothing wrong, that it was her 'instinct'. Isn't it better to be safe than sorry?

Original poster
JumpingThroughHoops · 30/06/2012 19:57

I do think I need to put into perspective how I am with my children. I encourage - and did so from a v young age - for them to approach and talk to people. In supermarkets, mature folks on park benches. I really do not subscribe to the "a paedo behind every tree" style of thinking.

Once, we were at the beach, DS3 was a babe in arms, a mini bus from a home for adults with LDs drew up and one made a bee line for DS3 and wanted to hold him. I had no qualms about handing an 8 month old over to the man, to be billed and coo'd over. I doubt very many of you would have been so trusting. But there we go with that gut instinct again. You know what? I made his day, I didn't treat him like a pariah.

But something just flagged up with this man at sports day. And I still cannot tell you why. I've mulled it over and over looking for the trigger that flagged him up and I can't find it.

OP posts:
Mintyy · 30/06/2012 19:58

Yab completely U.

HolyCameraConfusionBatman · 30/06/2012 20:00

I don't know anychocs how sorry would you be if your DH got labelled a paedo because he went to watch one of your DC's at sports day, but the woman standing near him didn't hear him mention which one was his child?

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