To email the school re a man at the bus stop???

[JumpingThroughHoops]

Well I have emailed, so no AIBU about it really

Yesterday (Friday) 20 mins after primary school ended I saw a man at the bus stop outside the school. The bus stop usually has a large amount of teenaged girls waiting from the secondary opposite.

He was by himself indicating a bus had just been; there were no other adults or children around.

BUT. Earlier that morning the same man was at the primary sports day. He wasn't with a lady (for that read wife or partner), no reason why he should have been really, he might have been a single dad. BUT. He was chatting with another father, or rather he was listening as the other father waxed lyrical, pointing out his children and all their little friends, getting them to wave over.

Two months previous, I was on a train and he sat opposite me, with a French lady with two small girls (maybe 3 and 5). I assumed they were together, he knew their names. He carried their suitcase. I assumed the stilted conversation was because the lady didn't have English as a first language. I also assumed they were together because he was teasing one of the girls until she screamed in frustration. He was also asking lots of questions, but not in an obvious way, such as "when do you go home?" What are you doing tomorrow?" "is your Dad missing you?" - which of course I was oblivious to on the train because it was general chit chat.

See him at sports day and think it's that annoying wind up merchant again "oh, I didn't know there were little French girls at this school". There aren't any little French girls at the school and they were too young to be in the KS3 sports day anyway.

See him at the bus stop and think "hang on a min" gut instinct kicks in, something just isn't right here.

So I've emailed school with a full description, a set of circumstances and no accusations, because he wasn't actually doing anything suspiciously.

*disclaimer, I don't see a paedophile behind every tree, but I am a believer in gut instinct. I don't know why the red flags shot up when I saw him again. Probably because he was a bit of charmer, again not in an obvious way, he was just very good at ferreting out information from people.

Probably an entirely coincidental set of innocent circumstances and he is a listener rather than a talker.

Would you have emailed the school?

In context, it wasn't an outrageous statement.
In context, it was clear what she was saying.
Repeatedly pulling her up on it, insisting on explanations that were already there, refusing to quote the whole thing despite Damsel telling you it was out of context: that's goading.
When Damsel finally reposted the whole thing by way of explanation, you disappeared. It is actually all there in black and white for anyone who cares to look.

At a risk of inflaming the situation- damsel did not say "a person might with my experience could be excused for thinking...." she appeared to be saying that she was surprised that there was anyone who didn't think......

And I don't think she ever clarified whether she believed the outrageous statement she made or whether she was just saying that her personal experience would probably lead her to believe it but she knew she was wrong.

As I said, people on both sides of the discussion could see what she meant and were shocked at Pendeen's behaviour. It was only Pendeen that persistently demand an explanation that was already there. Damsel even repeated that whole post when Pendeen refused, by way of explanation. Still Pendeen continues to assert that it was an outrageous statement. Even though, as has been said repeatedly, it was taken out of context.

I have a question for the OP.

You have told us that "I was on a train and he sat opposite me, with a French lady with two small girls ..... I assumed they were together, he knew their names. He carried their suitcase."

Subsequently you told us that the man did not get off the train with the family, but at a different stop. So did they all board the train together? If not, when was he carrying their suitcase?

I think it is a really sad and damaging thing when a man waiting at a bus stop in the vicinity of a primary school is deemed to be 'suspicious'. I do not think that reporting someone on that basis is a good or moral act. And I definitely don't believe that if you are innocent you have nothing to hide or fear

I agree: and the hysterical rudeness on this thread seems symptomatic of someone with a problem of paranoia. If Damsel has been providing reasonable responses to people's arguments she might ask herself why so many of her posts have been deleted.

I remain utterly unconvinced that the man's behaviour was suspicious or that the meddling OP was justified in sending that email. As others have said she can't claim to be vindicated by the school's response: they seemed merely to give her a cursory comment indicating that they would follow protocol.

Once again Sooty, on this thread and others you are an inspiration and so classy.

OP- how would you feel if someone sent an email to the school reporting your DH, or you for that matter, as being suspicious and potentially dangerous to children, purely because they were watching their child's sports day?

'I was cut off with "Mrs Jumping. There is a always a bigger picture you aren't privvy to, it's been referred"

well what do you expect them to say?Thankyou Mrs Jumping we are always glad of a few gems for the xmas party!!

Not holding my breath for an answer to my question. Looks like there's quite a few other things that have gone unexplained by the OP.

ariadne1 I'm not the OP obviously but I would say

"I'm actually Cherries, my child is .......in Year 3, I work so don't come into school that often"

They would reply, "oh thank you Cherries, no offence, it's just that we haven't seen you around school and needed to check that you had a child here"
I would reply "No problem, I understand"

Also, I am a teacher myself. The schools' reaction to OP was exactly what I would expect. They would look into it because if the man had a child at the school he was clearly there for that reason and if he didn't it needs investigating. Why is that insulting and why on earth do you think the staff would find that amusing?

Cherries - if I read your post right you are saying that any man that goes near a school needs challenging, and if he doesn't have a kid at that school then he needs investigating.

Is that really what you meant? Really?

And you can;t see how that is insulting?

OK, try this - a women walks past a school. Prehaps goes in to see if they have a job. On the way out some over suspicious man comes up to her and asks her why she is there (no doubt in a slightly accusatory / suspicious way).

Now put yourself in that womens shoes - how do you feel?

Not holding my breath for an answer to my question. Looks like there's quite a few other things that have gone unexplained by the OP

Agreed: I never got an answer to my question either.

Mykidsrock, of course Cherries is saying nothing of the kind: she is referring specifically to the case in the OP and nothing more. I can't imagine any man so sensitive and paranoid as to find that insulting.

I would imagine the OP has long gone and has no intention of wading through page after page of hectoring and ridicule.

There is a huge difference between a school challenging someone when they have grounds for suspicion and a parent just emailing in and starting to talk about paedophiles. The school staff would be trained to challenge people in specific situations . They would also have an obligation to do so according to protocol . The very last thing they would do is say ' excuse me sir, it's not that we think paedophiles are lurking behind every bush but we just want to check who you are'. All very different to the op. I doubt the op will return too; there are so many inconsistencies in her story and she has been rude and nasty .

I feel sure she is still following the thread

The whole point is that she doesn't know he isn't a parent.She has no reason to believe he isn't.He might be a governor feeling he should make the effort to be there and mingle.
Why does she assume that if the school were so concerned about male non-parents being there, they would have clocked him themselves.

'I can't imagine any man so sensitive and paranoid as to find that insulting. '

..really? You think being challenged as to why you are at your own child's sports day would not cause offence?

Emmie: I don't see why the same school staff cannot be trusted to deal with an email from a concerned person equally according to protocol.

Ariadne, first of all, that's not what Cherries, or indeed the OP, said.
Secondly, if I or any other person caused suspicion, male or otherwise, yes I would expect to be challenged. I have been challenged more than once and, no, it hasn't caused offence. The misunderstanding is quickly explained and no harm has been done.

What? Of course I'm not!!! I was actually thinking about when my DD was in Reception and I walked past her school at lunchbreak. She ran up to the railings to greet me and asked for a hug and a kiss. She had only been at school for a few months. Anyway, I hugged and kissed her and the Lunchtime supervisor came over and said "can you not do that please?" I was taken aback and she explained that she didn't know me, I could be anyone and it was her job to look after the children in the playground. I thought, actually she has a point and told her so.

That was what I was thinking! Crikey!

It did not cause me offence is what I am saying. I think it was a reasonable thing to say.

I still think there's a massive difference between the situation described above and someone sending an email and mentioning paedophiles without any evidence. And anyway, whether or not someone personally takes offence is hardly the issue; these things which start as a bit of hearsay or innuendo can have terrible repurcussions. All very Nasty

Well, sorry, but I disagree. If a child of her own volition runs up to a woman and displays affection, it's pretty clear that the child knows her! So to say "can you not do that please?" seems completely inappropriate. Surely the natural thing to say is to ask the child who it is, rather than issuing orders to someone who is plainly a close friend or relative.

So, who is going to have the last word?

I hope if he is a peado he is found out