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AIBU?

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Original poster

To email the school re a man at the bus stop???

999 replies

JumpingThroughHoops · 30/06/2012 18:38

Well I have emailed, so no AIBU about it really Grin

Yesterday (Friday) 20 mins after primary school ended I saw a man at the bus stop outside the school. The bus stop usually has a large amount of teenaged girls waiting from the secondary opposite.

He was by himself indicating a bus had just been; there were no other adults or children around.

BUT. Earlier that morning the same man was at the primary sports day. He wasn't with a lady (for that read wife or partner), no reason why he should have been really, he might have been a single dad. BUT. He was chatting with another father, or rather he was listening as the other father waxed lyrical, pointing out his children and all their little friends, getting them to wave over.

Two months previous, I was on a train and he sat opposite me, with a French lady with two small girls (maybe 3 and 5). I assumed they were together, he knew their names. He carried their suitcase. I assumed the stilted conversation was because the lady didn't have English as a first language. I also assumed they were together because he was teasing one of the girls until she screamed in frustration. He was also asking lots of questions, but not in an obvious way, such as "when do you go home?" What are you doing tomorrow?" "is your Dad missing you?" - which of course I was oblivious to on the train because it was general chit chat.

See him at sports day and think it's that annoying wind up merchant again "oh, I didn't know there were little French girls at this school". There aren't any little French girls at the school and they were too young to be in the KS3 sports day anyway.

See him at the bus stop and think "hang on a min" gut instinct kicks in, something just isn't right here.

So I've emailed school with a full description, a set of circumstances and no accusations, because he wasn't actually doing anything suspiciously.

*disclaimer, I don't see a paedophile behind every tree, but I am a believer in gut instinct. I don't know why the red flags shot up when I saw him again. Probably because he was a bit of charmer, again not in an obvious way, he was just very good at ferreting out information from people.

Probably an entirely coincidental set of innocent circumstances and he is a listener rather than a talker.

Would you have emailed the school?

OP posts:
kittyandthefontanelles · 02/07/2012 10:05

You are speculating about whether this man, who you know nothing about, is a paedophile.

DamselInTornDress · 02/07/2012 10:08

The email hasn't leaked. i though we were sticking to facts? Or is it only those of us who feel the OP did nothing wrong who should stick to facts?

I applaud the OP for registering her concerns. I really do.

So we will have to agree to disagree.

The man may be a threat. Or he may not. None of us know for sure.

DamselInTornDress · 02/07/2012 10:09

I'm not speculating, the OP was. I wasn't there, but something raised her hackles and she acted on it. I can't fault that.

worldgonecrazy · 02/07/2012 10:10

I haven't read all the thread, but I had a very sad conversation with an elderly man yesterday, a lovely, friendly and kind gentleman who has two grown children and whose grandchildren live in another country so he doesn't see them often. His wife has died and I think he is a little lonely at times. He is friendly and outgoing and likes to talk to people but a couple of times at bus stops, parents have treated him like a freak for wanting to engage in passing the time of day with light conversation. How sad that the media have created this fear of strangers where any man who is just nice to people is automatically put into the category of "possible paedo".

OP you were being unreasonable in how you handled the situation. We live in a world where paediatricians have their houses targeted - you've underestimated the general intelligence level of the population.

LurkingAndLearningForNow · 02/07/2012 10:10

To answer an earlier question, having the cops show up to question you about this sort of thing destroys your life because people talk. It's really that simple. Things get out.

And as proven here, some will believe someone is guilty with absolutely no evidence, so being questioned is considered justification of belief to some less educated people.

Seen it happen too many times.

DamselInTornDress · 02/07/2012 10:14

I reported a suspect package outside Maccie D's. I ended up in a cell for 8 hours and was questioned and interviewed with it being recorded for prosperity. I was held under the terrorist act. I did nothing wrong. The questioning did not make me a terrorist either.

Gibbous · 02/07/2012 10:15

Erm, I didn't say the email has leaked. I've said it could. And it could. It's only just been sent.

Facts? Oh the irony!

DamselInTornDress · 02/07/2012 10:16

Oh the irony.

You're out for an argument again. I mention facts because of your posts to me last night. Put that in your pipe love.

Gibbous · 02/07/2012 10:16

That's an anecdote Damsel. There are plenty more which suggest that mud does stick, especially when it comes to sex offences.

Gibbous · 02/07/2012 10:16

What posts last night?

DamselInTornDress · 02/07/2012 10:18

If there was an ignore button for posters you would be on mine. I'm going to ignore your posts all the same.

No one knows what action the school will take, if any. All this is speculation anyway.

Gibbous · 02/07/2012 10:19

Actually Damsel I have to apologise for the irony comment, I misread your post and thought you were saying OP's supporters were the only ones dealing in facts.

Gibbous · 02/07/2012 10:21

We crossed. I am sorry for the irony comment which was based on a misunderstanding.

Aside from that however I've been nothing but courteous to you. This is a debate, there will be differing opinions.

I'm going to leave this thread now anyway.

Gibbous · 02/07/2012 10:28

Damsel, I do have to add one more thing, Columbo style. Among the inevitable heat of polarised opinions on such a sensitive subject I have been rational and courteous to you along with others but you accuse me of being out for an argument again. Sorry, but that is really quite off.

DamselInTornDress · 02/07/2012 10:31

That's how I feel. It probably has something to do with me saying I was here for a discussion not an argument but you countered my comment by reinforcing your opinion that I had put forward an argument. So yes, I do feel you have wanted an argument with me. And that's not what I come to mumsnet for.

Abitwobblynow · 02/07/2012 10:35

Also, instead of turning it into a witch hunt accusing others of witch hunting, OP sent an email to the school, where if the man is there again, he could be approached and asked 'who are you?' 'Who are you with?' until it was established that he either IS connected to someone, or he is given a 'territorial' notice: this is our turf, and you have been marked. That would be the right and proper thing to do.

All very low key, no hysterical accusations, just 'we have noted you'.

Haven't you noticed that men tend on the whole to be absolutely disinterested in any children other than their own? My H sitting at the coffee shop on the pavement overlooking the pond you have all accused me of being hysterical about, would be looking at the paper, the real time cricket scores on his ipad or work. He would completely ignore the kids (and me Smile) apart from the occasional glance. Because they didn't interest him. It would NOT be the fixed stare (and the fantasising behind the fixed stare) I was trying to explain to you all. The police didn't shut it down for 'nothing' and 'hysteria', you know...

I think there is a little bit of denial here about how many people in society are sexually interested in children. They, like psychopaths, are alive and well and living near you. And they, like psychopaths, don't stand out but can only be seen by the (often invisible) trail of destruction and pain they leave behind them.

So well done OP, ignore the sneering to my mind you did the right thing and I would have too.

Gibbous · 02/07/2012 10:37

You misunderstood me. "Putting forward an argument" doesn't mean arguing. It's a different use of the word. It means putting forward your point, backed by reasons, in a debate.

And I said it because I didn't want the already very complex debate confused even more over semantics.

bejeezus · 02/07/2012 10:42

havent read the thread in its entirety-but i cant believe OP is getting such a hard time

The man is behaving suspiciously...no harm done by the email if he isnt actually suspicious.

RevoltingPeasant · 02/07/2012 10:45

Haven't you noticed that men tend on the whole to be absolutely disinterested in any children other than their own?

No, not really.

You know, there is this man on our street with a beard who often looks out of his window at the kids playing on our cul de sac. The other day, I saw him going over and talking to a little girl on her scooter. I also know that he's offered to look after a young boy whose parents he doesn't know that well.

Would that make you suspicious?

RevoltingPeasant · 02/07/2012 10:49

...Because if so...

The man is my DP. He looks out of the window because we are thinking of ttc and he's become more interested in children recently as a result. Also he's worried about them scratching his car.

He talked to the little girl because she'd just fallen off and there were no grown ups around. He was checking she was okay, because he's a nice guy like that.

And he's volunteered us to take care of my colleagues' toddler when they have to go to hospital when their baby is born later this month. Because again, he's a nice guy like that.

DP's ex-housemate is a primary school teacher who is slightly eccentric (the children absolutely love him) and I can't tell you how much this kind of 'just in case' shit makes his life so much harder than that of his female colleagues.

worldgonecrazy · 02/07/2012 10:55

Haven't you noticed that men tend on the whole to be absolutely disinterested in any children other than their own?

Errr??? No???? I've read some guff on MN but that has to be up there in the top 10 of guffness.

I know lots of men who genuinely love children, love playing with them, spending time with them, enjoying their company and the fact they get to play with the toys. For some men being with children allows them to indulge their own inner-child. Like I said earlier, some people are just nice.

It would NOT be the fixed stare (and the fantasising behind the fixed stare)

Yes, because anytime anyone has a fixed stare they're obviuosly in the middle of some sexual fantasy. Must stop gazing into the distance at work or my colleagues will think I'm imagining romps in the stationery cupboard with that man from Accounts.

bejeezus · 02/07/2012 11:08

but, if the person in the OP had been a woman...it would still be suspicious...teasing an unknown child until she cried! really?

PandaWatch · 02/07/2012 11:13

I don't really have much to add that hasn't been said already except to say that, if it had been a woman rather than a man, I very much doubt the OP would have even noticed these three "suspicious" incidents.

Empusa · 02/07/2012 11:14

But no one knows if the child wasn't known to the man! In fact, what the OP says points to the fact he did know them,
"I assumed they were together, he knew their names. He carried their suitcase."

piprabbit · 02/07/2012 11:15

The child was unknown to the Op.
The Op does not know if the man knew the family on the train. She doesn't seem to have any evidence to suggest that he was a stranger to them.