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AIBU?

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Original poster

To email the school re a man at the bus stop???

999 replies

JumpingThroughHoops · 30/06/2012 18:38

Well I have emailed, so no AIBU about it really Grin

Yesterday (Friday) 20 mins after primary school ended I saw a man at the bus stop outside the school. The bus stop usually has a large amount of teenaged girls waiting from the secondary opposite.

He was by himself indicating a bus had just been; there were no other adults or children around.

BUT. Earlier that morning the same man was at the primary sports day. He wasn't with a lady (for that read wife or partner), no reason why he should have been really, he might have been a single dad. BUT. He was chatting with another father, or rather he was listening as the other father waxed lyrical, pointing out his children and all their little friends, getting them to wave over.

Two months previous, I was on a train and he sat opposite me, with a French lady with two small girls (maybe 3 and 5). I assumed they were together, he knew their names. He carried their suitcase. I assumed the stilted conversation was because the lady didn't have English as a first language. I also assumed they were together because he was teasing one of the girls until she screamed in frustration. He was also asking lots of questions, but not in an obvious way, such as "when do you go home?" What are you doing tomorrow?" "is your Dad missing you?" - which of course I was oblivious to on the train because it was general chit chat.

See him at sports day and think it's that annoying wind up merchant again "oh, I didn't know there were little French girls at this school". There aren't any little French girls at the school and they were too young to be in the KS3 sports day anyway.

See him at the bus stop and think "hang on a min" gut instinct kicks in, something just isn't right here.

So I've emailed school with a full description, a set of circumstances and no accusations, because he wasn't actually doing anything suspiciously.

*disclaimer, I don't see a paedophile behind every tree, but I am a believer in gut instinct. I don't know why the red flags shot up when I saw him again. Probably because he was a bit of charmer, again not in an obvious way, he was just very good at ferreting out information from people.

Probably an entirely coincidental set of innocent circumstances and he is a listener rather than a talker.

Would you have emailed the school?

OP posts:
Empusa · 02/07/2012 11:15

"Haven't you noticed that men tend on the whole to be absolutely disinterested in any children other than their own?"

Ah that's right, that's why absolutely no men work in childcare, and all men have to be forced to TTC.

PandaWatch · 02/07/2012 11:17

"He was also asking lots of questions, but not in an obvious way, such as "when do you go home?" What are you doing tomorrow?" "is your Dad missing you?" - which of course I was oblivious to on the train because it was general chit chat."

This doesn't make any sense - the OP says that she heard what was said but then says she was oblivious? This is bonkers.

bejeezus · 02/07/2012 11:18

panda i think it would be suspicious behaviour by a woman also

its not just 1 incident is it?

yes he may know the woman and the children
yes he may be innocently sitting in a bus stop outside a school after the bus had departed
and he may have been related to one of the kids at sports day

to notice the same person, in 3 potentially dubious positions is quite a lot
Plus his 'manner' and conversation...only OP can judge that... Confused

I would have had a conversation with him at Sports Day though, and asked him about his kids...

piprabbit · 02/07/2012 11:28

Why is it a "dubious situation" for an adult to be waiting alone at a bus stop?

Empusa · 02/07/2012 11:28

Dubious positions?? What, sitting on a train and chatting is dubious? Waiting at a bus stop? Going to a sports day? Really?

crashdoll · 02/07/2012 11:34

Gut instinct does have a role to play in assessing situations like these but only balanced with using intellectual, rational thought. As a student social worker, I was taught that intuition plays a role but only alongside cognitive reasoning. A 'feeling' doesn't cut it without hard evidence. Is there hard evidence? In my opinion, no but it's a difficult situation and I wouldn't know what to do myself in a non-professional setting.

PandaWatch · 02/07/2012 11:35

But bejeezus using that logic anyone you see more than twice in the vicinity of children is a suspect?!

It's not even as if all these things happened in close succession - she saw him on the train "two months previous". And given that the OP says she was oblivius to what was going on, is the OP sure it's even the same person?!

kittyandthefontanelles · 02/07/2012 11:39

Revolting- "Also he's worried about them scratching his car" that really made me giggle! Clearly he's a pervy beardy man.

DamselInTornDress · 02/07/2012 11:40

PandaWatch, I took her saying she was oblivious to mean she didn't think much of it/let it slide "at the time", but when she found him questioning a father at the school in pretty much the same way as she had witnessed on the train her antenna went up.

OP, can you please come back and explain/clarify for us?

bejeezus · 02/07/2012 11:42

But bejeezus using that logic anyone you see more than twice in the vicinity of children is a suspect?!

no panda- they would have to be acting in an unusual/inappropriate/ suspicious way, wouldnt they?

pip & edusa have you never seen someone you thought was acting a bit shifty? what if you saw that same person acting odd on 3 different occassions?

i think what you are questioning, is the OPs assessment of whether the man was acting suspiciously??

bejeezus · 02/07/2012 11:46

there was a thread on MNs (in the last year) where a woman had been at the school gates and was talking to another mum about the child that was waiting in the playground, as if she was another mum-isnt it sad that that child is always last etc etc-who picks up that child etc? The mum said that child was waiting for older sister

Woman went to child and said that older sister was running late and had asked her to pick up child (had gathered enough info on 2 sisters to make this convincing). Luckily older sister turned up as they were leaving...

kittyandthefontanelles · 02/07/2012 11:48

i think what you are questioning, is the OPs assessment of whether the man was acting suspiciously??

That is ABSOLUTELY what I am questioning. She said herself many times that there was nothing suspicious about his actions. The only negative thing she said was that she found him annoying but didn't qualify this. Then she jumped to paedophile.

piprabbit · 02/07/2012 11:51

No, I am questioning the OPs decision to send a paedo alert email to the local school.

I regularly wait at a bus stop, sometimes there are unaccompanied school age children waiting too. When I worked, you would have seen me doing exactly this three days a week. I would probably also be either looking a) a bit flustered if running late or b) staring vacantly about me. The bus stop I use regularly is opposite a primary school. I can't believe that anyone would seriously consider that it would be OK to report me a school or the police on the basis of my behaviour because they had an "instinct". I would be absolutely humiliated and furious and saying that it was OK because I was innocent wouldn't really make me feel better.

bejeezus · 02/07/2012 11:51

but you werent there...so how can you question so strongly/mockingly, her assertion that he was suspicious?

and...i may be wrong, but I dont think she has jumped to paedophile?

piprabbit · 02/07/2012 11:55

The OP says "he wasn't actually doing anything suspiciously" and "probably an entirely coincidental set of innocent circumstances".
She then says that although she doesn't see paedos behind every tree in this case red flags went up (implying that in this case she thinks she is seeing a paedo behind the tree).

PandaWatch · 02/07/2012 11:57

But what was suspicious? Talking to a woman and her children (who are complete strangers to the OP) on the train when he could very well know them? Being at a sports day when the OP has no idea whether or not he is a parent, let alone possibly an uncle/family friend/whatever? Waiting at an empty bus stop? Surely that would have been more suspicious if there were children there? I can't see how any of this behaviour, were it exhibited by a woman, would be deemed by the OP as being suspicious.

I of course think that you should trust your instincts when you see something genuinely suspicious but I can't see anything here that is. It's this sort of thinking that leads to any man on his own in the vicinity of children, including men out with their own children, being reported as potential paedophiles (which has happened and continues to happen), which doesn't help anyone for obvious reasons.

bejeezus · 02/07/2012 11:58

so no one should ever report anyone ever for being suspicious, in case it upsets them??

my dad was reported for being suspicious once-he was walking around he village, setting up a treasure hunt for my birthday party. He wasnt upset by it, why would you be??

I think the police are very grateful for reports of suspicious behaviour

I take it as given that he was suspicious, because that is as reported by OP. everything else she has written makes me think she is sane and rational. So I am not questioning her judgment of the guys manner...only she was there

bejeezus · 02/07/2012 12:02

anyway...where is OP I want to know what the school says

He will probably turn out to be a social worker...checking on French mum and the dad at sports day! Grin

DamselInTornDress · 02/07/2012 12:02

Panda, I thought she was suspicious at the man's questioning, both on the train and at the school. She initially thought the man was with the woman on the train until he annoyed the child and they got off at different stops. She suspects the man does not have children in the school, though isn't sure. Once again it was the questioning that she honed in on. It's the fact that he's questioning about what she believes to be random children that the OP is concerned about.

tinkerbel72 · 02/07/2012 12:04

The op used the term 'paedophile' in her email. Hardly an innocent attempt to flag up a possible concern. It's difficult to conceive of anything more inflammatory.

As for those who persist in the dangerous belief that an alert to the authorities won't cause any harm if the guy is innocent.... Well, clearly theyve been fortunate to live in a bubble where lives never get ruined and reputations destroyed by gossip mongering.

Let's actually protect children from genuine threats rather than being distracted by people's whims and gut feeling.

As for 'men tend to be disinterested (sic) in children other than their own'- I despair. Some people clearly believe its impossible for a male to be interested in kids without having dodgy motives. I'm glad I'm not a man .

Cockwomble · 02/07/2012 12:08

I have to assume the OP is just watching the chaos they've caused from under their bridge.

PandaWatch · 02/07/2012 12:11

But the OP said the other man at Sports Day was doing all the talking - how does the OP know he was asking questions about the children? As for the train incident, as you say, they got off at different stops - it's not as if he followed them! And he wasn't asking the French children anything that was going to enable him to track them down. I'm so baffled by this!

PandaWatch · 02/07/2012 12:12

Cockwomble has read my suspicious mind Wink

DamselInTornDress · 02/07/2012 12:19

When our antenna is set off we have two choices, do something about it, or ignore it. OP chose not to ignore it. She contacted the school. The school will read her email and determine whether they should look into it or not. All we have is words to go by while the OP was there in person and so had the whole set of other nuances to go by that we don't get to see in written form. Kinda like, words on forums are often misinterpretted because we do not have the face to face subtle clues to go by that we do have in real life. I think that is what is missing here.

Pendeen · 02/07/2012 12:21

"... I find it strange how people believe paedophiles are the minority ..."

Good grief! Do you actually believe that?

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