To email the school re a man at the bus stop???

[JumpingThroughHoops]

Well I have emailed, so no AIBU about it really

Yesterday (Friday) 20 mins after primary school ended I saw a man at the bus stop outside the school. The bus stop usually has a large amount of teenaged girls waiting from the secondary opposite.

He was by himself indicating a bus had just been; there were no other adults or children around.

BUT. Earlier that morning the same man was at the primary sports day. He wasn't with a lady (for that read wife or partner), no reason why he should have been really, he might have been a single dad. BUT. He was chatting with another father, or rather he was listening as the other father waxed lyrical, pointing out his children and all their little friends, getting them to wave over.

Two months previous, I was on a train and he sat opposite me, with a French lady with two small girls (maybe 3 and 5). I assumed they were together, he knew their names. He carried their suitcase. I assumed the stilted conversation was because the lady didn't have English as a first language. I also assumed they were together because he was teasing one of the girls until she screamed in frustration. He was also asking lots of questions, but not in an obvious way, such as "when do you go home?" What are you doing tomorrow?" "is your Dad missing you?" - which of course I was oblivious to on the train because it was general chit chat.

See him at sports day and think it's that annoying wind up merchant again "oh, I didn't know there were little French girls at this school". There aren't any little French girls at the school and they were too young to be in the KS3 sports day anyway.

See him at the bus stop and think "hang on a min" gut instinct kicks in, something just isn't right here.

So I've emailed school with a full description, a set of circumstances and no accusations, because he wasn't actually doing anything suspiciously.

*disclaimer, I don't see a paedophile behind every tree, but I am a believer in gut instinct. I don't know why the red flags shot up when I saw him again. Probably because he was a bit of charmer, again not in an obvious way, he was just very good at ferreting out information from people.

Probably an entirely coincidental set of innocent circumstances and he is a listener rather than a talker.

Would you have emailed the school?

"I'm a mother, so police mode turned into mother mode," says Jacobs, whose gut feeling told her something was wrong with the girls.

This is the lady police officer who alerted his parole officer

The short of it is, the OP has seen a man she doesn't believe to be a father pestering some little girls and asking their mother details of their movements over the next few days, then she saw him at a school sports day, befriending another parent who was proudly passing on details to this man about his child. And it sent alarm bells ringing in the OPs head. So much so she felt compelled to alert the school of this.

No she has no more evidence than that. All she has is concern. And she did something about that concern not to cause trouble or to stir up shit for anyone, but because she was concerned that small children may be the target of this man.

She may be wrong. She also may be right. She voiced her concerns.

I don't care who on this thread doesn't believe stranger danger is an issue because these sorts of things usually happen within families or with someone you know. The facts is, the OP had some concerns which she raised with the school. The man's reputation will not be ruined because A) no one knows what the mans name is yet b) if the school can identify the man it's probably because they know the man as a parent of children in the school and not as a predator hanging around the school so no need to take action or alert the police of a stranger's unwanted presence.

The OP is being condemned for not having proof regarding this man. She doesn't have proof. She has a suspicion and she has alerted the school of it, because she felt it was the right thing to do, not because she is malicious and thought today is a good day to fuck up someone's life.

I think we have to accept that some posters would not notice things that others would think are suspicious.
i think why this paricular thread has got so many posts,is because there are degrees of suspiciousness,ifyswim.And in this particular instance there is not that much to go on.
I am hoping that the op will come back on here today,and tell us what the school reaction was.I thinking their reaction is somewhat going to depend on the actual person's personality who is in charge of dealing with the email.

Jaycee duggard escaped of her own accord didn't she?

What evidence does the OP have this man is not a father?

How does the OP know what this man's relationship to the French woman and her daughters is?

She doesn't fucking know.

because he wasn't actually doing anything suspiciously

Are you thinking of Natasha Kampusch?

The op was categorically NOT innocently raising concerns. She mentioned the word 'paedophile' in her email to the school. It is difficult to imagine anything more prejudicial! Headteacher/ office manager opens email, purporting to raise a genuine concern about someone who attended sports day, and they are confronted with the word 'paedophile'. Yeah, right, no harm done eh.....

And the worst thing is, as many other rational people have p

Pointed out, is that this scaremongering actually makes the world a LESS safe place for children

What exactly has he done wrong? Facts. Pestering? Subjective I'm afraid. Hanging around? He was waiting for a bus! It's my job to be protective of vulnerable people but this man has done nothing wrong. You are casting him as a predator based on someone else's subjective gut instinct. Please don't forget that you have not met this man or had your own gut instinct. What happened to making one's own mind up about people?

I don't think yanbu op. it's not as if you've gone blabbing your suspicions to all the parents is it, you've taken the sensible approach.

Gut instinct proves nothing sometimes...other times you can be completely bang on with it.

... And if we all report our concerns to local organisations every time we get a 'funny feeling'... What happens?
It detracts from situations where people have genuine evidence- based concerns

I do wish people would read the thread instead of bringing up old points (What would you have done then? What harm could the email have done?) time and again. The thread is going round in circles, it's exhausting.

1. I would have found out more about the man - there are really obvious ways of doing this (talking to him perhaps? If not talking to the other father?!)
2. Emails can leak without the qualifying details. Look at the way Chinese whispers have abounded on this thread
3. Gut instinct is pretty much being suspicious about unusual behaviour, this man didn't display unusual behaviour.

And what happens if no one reports anything at all, because they're too scared of being judged for their suspicions, but their suspicions are spot on?

What if, what if, what if?

Some people act on their suspicions and some people don't. This OP did, and there really is nothing wrong with voicing her concerns.

Maybe you could drop in the "which ones yours?" (child i mean) when it comes to the bus stop thing. or where the teens are concerned "they grow up so fast dont they, which year is your teen in?" if he stumbles umms or ahhs THEN thats enough evidence for me that hes there in a creepy way.

I think op is acting in the best interests of children at the school.
If we all decided to ignore what we felt suspisious, then nothing untoward would be reported and 'if' this man is a threat an opportunity to keep him away from children would be missed.
If this man is innocent nothing will be done so i cannot see a problem with op reporting it.
Sometimes instincts can be right

What we're saying is that there is no set in stone stereotypical paedophile type. They do not come with a tattoo on their foreheads; they don't ring a bell, shouting "Unclean!".

Read what's being said by some:

"He isn't a family member, so OP is wrong"
"He isn't like my abuser, so OP is wrong"
"He isn't Tanith's uncle, so OP is wrong"
"I wouldn't be suspicious, so OP is wrong"
"I don't believe in gut instinct, so OP is wrong"

What we're saying, in some cases based on personal experience, is that OP could be right. If she feels that there are grounds for alerting the school, then she has a duty to do that. She was there; she saw him, observed his body language and behaviour, and something about him concerned her. We did not see him so we have much less to go on.

Apart from her concerns were based on next to nothing and there were far more rational, effective and less harmful ways of dealing with the situation.

"Sometimes instincts can be right." So we should report all of them for those occasional times when they are? Authorities wouldn't have any time to investigate anything genuine.

I'm not saying she should ignore her instincts. That wasn't what she asked. She asked if she went about them the right way. And no, frankly she didn't, for the above reasons as well as the fact that this could very well impact on an innocent man. Word gets out suspicions have been reported about someone matching the description of the dad of xxx in year 3, Chinese whispers proliferate the way they have done on this thread and suddenly the circumstances around those suspicions being raised are lost in translation...

No-one has been saying that at all Tanith.

There have been wider debates around this subject of course prompted actually by some of the more sensationalist posts but no-one has said that. It's very disingenous of you to suggest it.

All anyone has said, when it comes down to the nub of it, is the OP should have taken an alternative route to addressing her uneasiness than firing off an email to the school which could have far-reaching implications.

And breathe.

You're speculating about what could go wrong if an email is leaked. It didn't happen.

Yet.

Well, the OP had some "what ifs" she was concerned about, just like you do.

Damsel- I am very aware of stranger danger. Indeed I am often ridiculed for being too protective of my daughter. I just don't think this stranger is a danger. From what the op has said I simply can't think of him as dangerous. He hasn't done anything suspicious. My husband gets the bus to work, often there are school children on the bus. By the op's reckoning my husband is a predator. I can assure you all he is not.

It's pretty easy for an email like that to leak btw. People jump on smoke and claim it doesn't exist without fire. I've said it before so I'll say it again. Jo Yeates's landlord, there were gut instincts about him. There are countless other examples if you refer back to the thread.

Yes Damsel, and there were far better, more effective ways of dealing with them!

Let's not forget the question she actually asked was about sending the email.