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AIBU?

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Original poster

To email the school re a man at the bus stop???

999 replies

JumpingThroughHoops · 30/06/2012 18:38

Well I have emailed, so no AIBU about it really Grin

Yesterday (Friday) 20 mins after primary school ended I saw a man at the bus stop outside the school. The bus stop usually has a large amount of teenaged girls waiting from the secondary opposite.

He was by himself indicating a bus had just been; there were no other adults or children around.

BUT. Earlier that morning the same man was at the primary sports day. He wasn't with a lady (for that read wife or partner), no reason why he should have been really, he might have been a single dad. BUT. He was chatting with another father, or rather he was listening as the other father waxed lyrical, pointing out his children and all their little friends, getting them to wave over.

Two months previous, I was on a train and he sat opposite me, with a French lady with two small girls (maybe 3 and 5). I assumed they were together, he knew their names. He carried their suitcase. I assumed the stilted conversation was because the lady didn't have English as a first language. I also assumed they were together because he was teasing one of the girls until she screamed in frustration. He was also asking lots of questions, but not in an obvious way, such as "when do you go home?" What are you doing tomorrow?" "is your Dad missing you?" - which of course I was oblivious to on the train because it was general chit chat.

See him at sports day and think it's that annoying wind up merchant again "oh, I didn't know there were little French girls at this school". There aren't any little French girls at the school and they were too young to be in the KS3 sports day anyway.

See him at the bus stop and think "hang on a min" gut instinct kicks in, something just isn't right here.

So I've emailed school with a full description, a set of circumstances and no accusations, because he wasn't actually doing anything suspiciously.

*disclaimer, I don't see a paedophile behind every tree, but I am a believer in gut instinct. I don't know why the red flags shot up when I saw him again. Probably because he was a bit of charmer, again not in an obvious way, he was just very good at ferreting out information from people.

Probably an entirely coincidental set of innocent circumstances and he is a listener rather than a talker.

Would you have emailed the school?

OP posts:
OlympicRingSting · 01/07/2012 22:49

Just read abits post. Totally agree. friend of a friend etc sensationalist bullshit.
How do you know they were paedophiles? Google it and post a link to the incident.....

kittyandthefontanelles · 01/07/2012 22:50

Well Said shellyboobs (glorious name too). Toshpie

takingiteasy · 01/07/2012 23:23

A bit wobbly, what a lovely picture you paint, so poetic. The council keeping the pool clean, long hot nappy free days until... Dun dun dun... The weirdos in vans with beards rolled into town.

Because what better way to be a perv? I'm a works van with a beard and big pointy lenses?

Tanith · 01/07/2012 23:46

No pagwatch, I am saying "Don't discount the oddball, loner serial who abused ME."

Tanith · 02/07/2012 00:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

tinkerbel72 · 02/07/2012 06:48

I don't think the misplaced emotion is helpful. An abuse victim has nothing to be sorry for - it is the abuser who is always at fault.
And that last scenario is entirely different to that which the op describes. She is not trying to tell someone she is the victim of abuse. She is informing a school that ... She's seen a guy on a train, at the bus stop and at sports day and suggesting that he is doing something wrong (fgs her email even uses the word 'paedophile'. Hardly an innocent email: "I'm not one to see paedophiles lurking behind every bush but....." Damage done. That word has been linked to a guy when there is absolutely no evidence he has done anything wrong

It's entirely different from experiences people are now raising about their own abuse, and it's really rather distasteful the way some posters are trying to imply that all those of us who think the op got this utterly wrong, are somehow diminishing or condoning abuse. We aren't.

I repeat: making unsubstantiated complaints/reports against someone based simply on a gut feeling, is another form of abusive behaviour .

LurkingAndLearningForNow · 02/07/2012 07:15

Exactly Tanith. He was your uncle. Not a stranger.

Tanith · 02/07/2012 07:41

What I'm trying to explain is that paedophiles do hang around where there are children; they are not solely within the family and they don't always carefully groom their intended victims.

There are posters on this thread who imply that, just because this man didn't fall into the family or friend abuser model, then he is not an abuser. Some have even attacked the OP for raising her concerns.
They are as guilty of stereotyping abusers as those who who think they are dirty old men in raincoats. The fact is that there is no one type of abuser.

The "gut instinct" is being scoffed at by these posters. I have a "gut instinct" around some paedophiles - it's not a paedophile spotter that accurately tells me every paedophile in the area. It is a subconscious recognition of certain body language, looks, smiles, behaviour that instantly alerts me, based on personal experience. Is that a bit easier to understand?
I've never yet been wrong. This sneering at "gut instincts" and accusations of ruining innocent lives is what stops people from reporting their concerns, allowing paedophiles to continue to ruin countless innocent lives.
What a shame the staff at a certain Portsmouth nursery didn't act on their "gut instinct" that their colleague's behaviour was not appropriate, for example.

LurkingAndLearningForNow · 02/07/2012 07:43

The point is as stated the OP could very well destroy this man's life based on her gut instinct.

I have instincts about all sorts of things. You cannot just accuse people based on a feeling.

kittyandthefontanelles · 02/07/2012 07:46

He caught a bus, a train and attended a school event. He spoke to one child in the presence of her mum. I agree with what you are saying tanith but his is spiralling out of control.

Tanith · 02/07/2012 07:53

He was a stranger to the others he abused. Did you not read it properly? He was a lifeguard at a swimming pool. He was around other children. He had access to hundreds of them. And yes, he was my uncle. Most paedophiles do have family, who they will happily pick off, too.
The point is, he was seen frequently around children. That's what this type of abuser does: he or she gets himself into situations where it's familiar to see him or her in the company of children, so people are less likely to comment.
Rather like the OP's man who has been hanging around. Yes, he may be innocent but, equally, he may not.

recall · 02/07/2012 07:57

I am glad that there people like jumpingthroughhoops and tanith about.

LurkingAndLearningForNow · 02/07/2012 07:58

Not equally. PROBABLY he is innocent.

Seriously, I've been abused by more paedophiles than I care to count, but I don't believe it's fifty fifty whether a man is a child abuser or not.

Men can be around children with no ill intentions. Rumours like this DESTROY lives. No matter how strong your instinct is, you can't accuse people on it. You need evidence. That's why in a court of law, no matter how sure you are the person is guilty you need evidence.

This man didn't position himself so he was in a job around children. All he did was be near children a few times the OP saw him and now she very well could have destroyed his and his family's lives.

Let's be rational here.

recall · 02/07/2012 07:58

e mailing the school to alert them is hardly ruining this man's life

LurkingAndLearningForNow · 02/07/2012 08:00

Actually the school now has a legal obligation to inform the police. You don't think the cops showing up at his home and the rumours wouldn't destroy his life?

This thread alone has shown people don't need evidence to believe someone is guilty. Apparently looking different or making you uncomfortable is enough to condemn them.

amillionyears · 02/07/2012 08:01

If,just say,if,those posters on here who would not have done anything,
just say they today do come across a stranger,who they have doubts about concerning that persons access to their child,
would they do something about it,and if so,what?

fireice · 02/07/2012 08:01

Especially seeing as there isn't a name, so they will only recognise him if they recognise him. Though I do think that the tone of the email was wrong.

recall · 02/07/2012 08:02

Jaycee Dugard was found due to gut instinct

Tanith · 02/07/2012 08:04

But the OP isn't in a court of law; she's raising her concerns. That's entirely different. Do you honestly think the police are going to swoop down on this man and throw him into jail? Of course not!

What the school can do is to be on the alert for such a man and challenge anyone they think should not be there.

LurkingAndLearningForNow · 02/07/2012 08:04

Jaycee Duggard was found because the neighbours saw the tents in a known sex offenders yard. That is evidence.

fireice · 02/07/2012 08:05

LurkingAndLearningForNow

The police showing up at his home will ruin his life? How? First they will have to know who it is, and if that is because the school knew that he had a legitimate reason to be there then what do you think that the police will do - screech up to his door is a marked car with sirens on and tell all the neighbours that he is a 'paedo'? There are so many reasons that police can come to someones door.

OlympicRingSting · 02/07/2012 08:06

The man has not been 'hanging around' .The OP saw him on a train (she decided he had never met the French family) she saw him at the sports day, ( he could have had a child at the school, or been working there) and then she sees him waiting at a bus stop. Big deal. The OP lives in London, people wait at bus stops all the time.

Tanith · 02/07/2012 08:07

And, Lurking, Sidney Cooke didn't get himself a job near children: he went to the seaside and sat himself down to watch.

recall · 02/07/2012 08:21

Lurking I was referring to the lady police officer who was suspicious when she met him and the two young girls.

Cockwomble · 02/07/2012 08:25

OP:

What.The.Actual.Fuck. Hmm